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One of my go-to modes of self-soothing when I feel angry or sad about my ex is to write her a letter that I have no intent of sending.  Just to get it out of my head.  I have a collection of letters ranging from angry to pathetic to downright nasty, and occasionally even reasonable.  I was feeling stuck on something for the past few days, and while I haven't had any contact with her in a week, when I read over this letter I find myself really wanting to send it.  It's exactly how I want to say goodbye, but I worry that she'll either see it as an opening to hook me back in (if things aren't going well in her new relationship) or me attacking her and trying to keep her from moving on (if things are going well).  As a non, I can read over this letter and think that I would be thrilled to receive something like it from her. It would be a goodbye that I could live with. Something that made walking away feel less... . sad and weird.  I just don't know if she would be capable of seeing it that way.

I really don't think I'll ever send it (NC is what I want for the time being, I just HATE the way we said goodbye), but I was hoping to get some feedback from some of you guys about how you think a person with BPD would react to this letter.  Is there a chance it could just be seen as a pleasant goodbye?  Or would it just open up fresh wounds and make everything worse?  I don't want to get back together, not even a little, but I do miss her friendship sometimes.  I'm hoping that posting this here and hearing from some outside sources will squelch this urge to send this to her. 

Here's the letter:

I wish we could be friends. As hard as it was at times, it was also such a close and beautiful connection. I miss it. I miss you. I don't know why everytime i think we've talked through the anger and gotten to a better place, the anger seems to leap out of nowhere and obliterate every step we took forward. I hope someday all that anger will just be gone. It won't be hiding under the surface waiting for an excuse to come out.

Even if we never see each other again, I hope one day we can talk and text and share things again.  I hope we can leave the past behind and just focus on how much we enjoy having each other to talk to.  Despite what you may believe, my love for you never wavered. You meant the world to me. I hope I hear from you some day and you're happy and content and loving the hell out of life. You'll always be my first great love, and there's a place in my heart that will never stop being yours.

I know we're not healthy for each other right now, but I want you to know that I'm sorry for the things I did wrong.  I wish you all the happiness in the world with whatever life you choose. Thank you for the good times, and for loving me.  I'll never regret the love that we shared.

I had originally included a line about how I forgave her for everything and I understood she never intended to hurt me, and I didn't feel anger toward her anymore.  I took it out because I know her well enough to know she'd just see it as an attack and then she'd miss the entire rest of the letter because I'd trigger her defense mechanisms. 

So am I correct in assuming that sending this would just make things worse?  Does anyone think there's any chance she might be open to just say goodbye and we're both sorry and we wish each other well, and maybe we can be friends someday down the road?  Or am I just wishing for something from her that she's not really capable of giving me?  I don't know why a decent goodbye means so much to me, but I feel like it's the only thing I still get hung up on, and even if she never responded, I know it would be a weight off my shoulders if I could just tell her that I want her to be happy and I wish her no ill will. 

I think that you are really making yourself vulnerable here... .

As you have probably heard many times now, pwBPD are NOTORIOUS boundary breakers. It is pretty hard to "just" be friends. I know that in my case, my BPDex and I recycled many times because we tried to hang out as friends and wound up wrapped up in each other and in bed later.

It sucks.  It really, really sucks.  It is heartbreaking that, once the relationship has run its course, the best answer is to not have any role in each others lives going forward.

I don't know how long your relationship lasted, but from your intro it sounds like 1-1.5 yrs?... . think back to that time when you were dating your BPDex. Remember how you felt... . I know that I felt constant anxiety, what is the next lie going to be, is she cheating again, what is she really doing, etc.  It wasn't a good feeling.  It took over my life, worrying about my relationship became all I thought about.  I never want to go back there... . it was a sad, fearful place.

In 9 days it will be the 1 year anniversary of my BPDex and I meeting.  We had discussed in the past meeting back up at the place where we met (a pond in the middle of my college campus) when that day came around... . to reflect, remember, etc. 

I will not be going.

There is part of me that wants to, sure.  But I know in my heart that having ANY contact or interaction with her will be opening back up the door that I have worked so hard in therapy and on my own this summer to shut.  I simply cannot afford to rent her any more headspace than she already has, and by having any interaction with her I will be giving her just that.

The bottom line is that we cannot rely on our BPDex's to set or hold boundaries.  It has to be us that does that.

It is great that you seem to be making peace with your BPDex. I think it is something that we all need to do.  But ask yourself whether, in order to do so, you really need to contact your BPDex. 

These things all play out nicely in our minds.  We send our BPDex's a heartfelt letter and they receive it and, in a moment of clarity, fully understand and see it for what it is and offer you the closure that you are seeking... .

It never works out that way.

I am sorry... . I wish things had happened differently with my BPDex all the time.  I wish things could be differently now.  I too lost a close friend in losing that relationship.  That being said, she was not a very good friend to me either.

Your letter was beautiful and heartfelt. I would love to receive this letter from my ex or actually any ex. As I read it I imagined if it were addressed to me from my ex. It would be great if he sent something like this to me. But of course I know it will never happen anytime soon or ever.

I read your letter a second time. This time I imagined it being from me addressed to my ex. IF MY EX was in a lucid state AND his personal life wasnt fullfilling at the time he read this letter, the first line would probably trigger him to feel guilt and shame that I was being so kind and he couldnt and cant. He would probably feel engulfed just by reading the "I miss it. I miss you." line. He'd probably feel pressured. Even tho he may want to reach out he wont because he is stuck on whats going on is his world. He wouldnt be able to handle an additional thing to feel and think about. His emotional disorientation wouldnt logically know how to handle such truth and honesty. If he read the wanting to be friends line and the "I miss it. I miss you." part AND  HE WAS IN A GOOD PLACE with himself, he'd probably get annoyed and he'd feel like he needed to put on the coldness and push me away.

I'd analyze and compare each sentence to how MY ex would react. But this is about you and your ex. There are too many variables although the same illness is at play. Everybody is different and at different levels of disorder. I think your letter is great. I guess it would be a game of Russian roulette as to where your ex is at emotionally when she reads the letter. It could be a good day for her and you may get a decent response or no response at all. Then again it could be a bad day for her and you may get a fireball of toxicity sent your way. The possibilities are endless really. But are you willing to take that chance of getting a not so nice response in return?  

This is important to you because you seek closure. And if you read around, closure is almost nonexistent with BPD. Wanting closure is normal. I think the "I miss it. I miss you" parts might be too open for suggestion and question, but overall your letter is a nice farewell.

Hey caustic, I'm sorry about your turmoil and pain. I read your post, but I'll confess I couldn't finish reading the letter because it is too painful for me. You say things that many of us want to say, including myself... You wrote a healthy, kind and heartwarming letter. The problem is that pwBPD are not healthy. If she reads your letter, most likely she will not understand it and will not feel it in the way that you and I do.

You say that you want to be friends with your ex. Ask yourself, what does "friendship" mean? Romantic relations aside, a good friendship is the same thing as a relationship. Friends look out for each other, support each other in times of need. But pwBPD are unable to have these kinds of interactions.

And yes, like Octoberfest said, in my case, whenever my ex and I tried to be friends, we would end up in bed, and then she would make demands, rage, continuing the familiar BPD behaviors.

Hang in there!

I know how hard it is to be friends with a BPDex.  Mine actually does a pretty good job of maintaining friendships (she's high functioning) and I can't even explain how much I miss the friendship we shared, both during our relationship and for a short time after.  I feel like the break is too fresh to be friends right now, because there's so much pain and anger that hasn't really settled down yet, but I get unbelievably sad when I start to think that we won't ever be friends again. 

Is there anyone who has ever gone back and had a successful friendship with a BPDex once the dust settled down?  Mine has a lot of moment of lucidity, and she knows she needs a lot of therapy, though she's never gone through with actually going (this is mostly due to finances, though I have no way of knowing if she'd keep making excuses were the finances no longer an issue).  I know we can't ever be romantically involved again. I don't even WANT her in that way anymore, though the whole ending up in bed thing has definitely been an issue during our attempts at friendship.   

I don't really understand, but it was so easy for me to detach from the relationship.  Probably because she crossed boundaries that I know I'll never forgive, and there's no part of my brain or heart that thinks we could ever be a happy couple again.  Yeah, it hurt and my heart broke and I missed being hers for a long time, but detaching from that line of thinking was easier for me than I thought it would be.  Detaching from her as a friend has been da*n near impossible though.  I know that seems backwards, but I miss laughing at stupid things with her. I miss getting drunk and playing board games with our friends, that we always kicked everyone's ___es at because we were so good as a team.  I miss the connection so much. 

Is it a lost cause?  Does BPD make friendship after a split-up impossible? 

I'd say you need to take a really long look at why you would want to be 'friends' with your BPD ex.   Do you want to be friends so you can repeat the things you used to do with her, miss having her around, or just want her back and are still attached to her in some way? 

In the end I've determined that there is no way shape or form that I could ever be 'friends' with someone that did all the lying, cheating, and manipulating that my exBPD did.  Yeah I miss how the good times were every now and then, but I don't miss the constant drama BS, lying, and the push/pull tantrums, etc.  Would you really want to be friends with someone that purposefully tried to make things as difficult for you as possible and ran off with Mr X got married and pregnant within a month or two?   Illness or not, the answer is a resounding NO. 

If she has crossed boundaries that you Know you will never forgive how can you be real 'friends' with her?  You need to really sit down and consider this.   

This kind of letter sets the door widely open for a recycle-attempt. Now or in the future.

Is that something that you want?

If no, I would try to not put blame on yourself, not to open up for contact in a later stage.

I guess the thing I get stuck on is that one of my best friends for the past five years is someone I had a year long, tumultuous relationship with.  She wasn't BPD, but she was a really terrible girlfriend. Kept rebounding back and forth between me and her ex, lied a lot, cheated on us both... . I took a few months to cool down after the split, but we started talking again (as friends) and eventually this awful ex-girlfriend who I would never even consider getting back together with became one my closest and dearest friends.  Some people who suck at romantic relationships are still pretty fantastic people if you're not dating them.

I feel that same sort of deep, mental connection with my BPDex, though part of that could be from mirroring, I know.  I know that she can be a good friend.  She's been a good friend to me, in spurts, but the anger over the relationship always comes out eventually and we wind up not speaking anymore.  I can let her go if I have to, though I'd like to say goodbye amicably if I get the chance, but I hate to lose a friendship with someone who I care so deeply for just because we couldn't work things out as a couple.  Maybe things are different in the case of BPD, but my best friend since high school (the past fifteen years) who was my roommate for ten years and my favorite person in the world was also a BPDer, so I know what kinds of friends they make.  I saw him screw up every relationship he entered into, but he was a fantastic friend to me and everyone else he didn't get romantically involved with.

Caustic,

Hey. Just checking in on you here. I read through your letter a couple of times and I want to share my thoughts and advice. First off, of course I found myself thinking about my own situation with my ex. This reminded me of the first time we broke up. We got into some argument, she escalated it into a full-on fight. We parked the car. She got out, left. Then later texted me to tell me how depressed she was. From there I got sucked in and we fought for two hours. We stopped. Didn't talk, I was beginning to finally accept things. I was even feeling lighter, so after 2 weeks I decided I was ready to make peace with her and just wish her the best.

So, feeling hopeful, I picked up my phone and, I get a text from her---at the same time! Go figure. She tells me she's waiting in front of my building. I let her in and... . before I know it, we're getting back together, in recycle. Now, obviously every situation is different. Each of us can decide what we are willing to have or not have in a relationship. But my point here is that the emotional attachment runs so deep in this kind of relationship. I'm convinced it really is like a primary relationship, being attached to someone with BPD or BPD traits.

I personally think it's best to stick with NC. Man, it's so incredibly painful. Seeing her texts, you'd think I was this horrible abusive guy who set out to break her heart and ruin her life! They're good at manipulating us. I don't think it's necessarily elaborately thought out, I think it's just how they operate. It's been a survival mechanism. In my case, if I were to give in and reply, she'd probably start out with a few nice things to say, then she'd try and find some excuse to come see me. And, she'd attempt to get me to have sex with her. I think I've done a good job standing my ground to let her know I don't have sex without a relationship. That's something I learned about myself from being with her, actually. But, whatever the case may be, it would be right back to the same issues as before. And based on her track record, it would probably get even worse this time around. So, I do not want any kind of friendship with my ex. For one, there was too much passion in our intimacy and it would be impossible to just discard that and become friends. Boundaries would be getting pushed all over the place. No thanks! And, I have absolutely NO interest in any kind of friends with benefits (non) relationship. That's a no-go for me. So, I am sticking with NC.

So let's bring this back to your situation. If this letter were written for someone without BPD, it could pretty well be taken at face value. However, since this is for someone with BPD, there would be a whole lot of second-guessing (on both sides, probably). I just feel it might invite more drama. Obviously, it's up to you to decide what you are willing to put up with. I think the most important thing is being clear on the terms of your relationship, and of course what kind of relationship you are really wanting. Keep in mind that someone with BPD will continually push those boundaries, breaking those terms. Just a few things to think about.

I hope this helps.

Caustic, Borderlines remember the facts and emotions very differently to you. Its possible that while your letter is heartfelt she could take it personally and lay blame. Her loss cannot be processed and it ends up feeling shameful for her.

Friendship! Can I ask what are 10 things you seek out in a friendship? Think of your closest friends... .

Hmmmm... . Ten Things... .

1. Honesty

2. Shared sense of humor

3. Shared interests

4. Dependability

5. Intellectually challenging

6. Loyalty

7. Trust

8. Understanding

9. Low to no drama

10. Not a gossip or a backstabber

She strikes out hardcore on 1, 7, and 9.   I'm sure she's talked a lot of crap about me since the break-up, so I can't really give her points for 10, though I don't remember her ever being one to gossip or say bad things about her friends.   She's surprisingly dependable for someone with BPD, meaning even when she's got me painted black, if I needed her for something and said that I needed her, she would have been there, so I give her points for #4. The rest she's great about.  I guess I'm trying to look at her more as a friend than as a partner, because that's what I'd ideally like for her to be.

I have a really solid group of friends, and she always fit right in with them.  They're all on my side in this break-up, not just because she was a little nuts, but also because they've been my friends so long that they might as well be my family.  When she's just being a friend she can process those relationships a lot more like a normal person.  I just don't know if she'll ever be capable of processing me as a friend. 

causticdork, that was an honest and heartfelt letter. Although a non might still feel pain to receive a letter like yours depending on how recent and raw the breakup was, I think eventually they would appreciate the sentiments within. For a BPDex, I agree with the others who've already spoken, a BPD is unlikely to interpret it well especially because it's about important feelings between you two.

If you can maintain friendship with your ex eventually, more power to you. I don't see it happening with my ex because she eventually turns on all her friends or ignores them at some point, not very good friend material.

Kudos to you for writing and sharing the letter.  Very brave and productive for you.  The letter is kind and heartfelt. 


This letter is all for you - not at all about a pwBPD.  You cannot control how she will see it and there is not doubt it will trigger her.  BPD is rooted in abandonment and this letter is all about a relationship ending, can you understand based on the disorder how it is triggering to her?


Yes, as a NON is the key word here - this letter is for you, right?

I remember writing something in a similar emotional space and reading it to my T. She suggested perhaps that was the letter that I really would like to receive.  She was right.


If there is a chance to be friendly, some more time likely needs to go by for each of you to have completely new routines and lives... . it is all very new still and neither of you is likely detached enough for this at the moment.

The biggest thing about a friendship with a pwBPD is are YOU emotionally ready?

Are you detached enough yet for strong boundaries and not taking things personally.  The same dynamics that were there before will be there now.  Have you spend time on the staying board?  How are you at the communication tools, handling your own triggers, etc?  All staying board lessons read and fully absorbed?

Even with all that, if you read the staying board - exes tend to get confused and disappointed because the boundaries are slowly loosened.

To fully detach means letting go of it all.  It also means that you don't have to second guess how someone else will react. 

Very brave to share and no matter the path you choose, there will be some tears still shed.  It is sad to let go of someone we love.

Hang in there,

SB

Love your screen name.  I can be a caustic (female) dork too.

I think writing and revising letters is helpful.  And there is always the chance you'll write one that you want to send.  Also, if you really are always going to feel bad about how you said goodbye, it may help to send one to at least not have regrets.  That way you know that you said what was in your heart.

I read your letter, not yet the responses.  My first thought is that it isn't entirely true.  Or maybe it is.  Do you REALLY want to be friends, and do you really want her to move on and be happy?  I don't think you have to say those things if you're just saying them to seem like a good guy, if what you really hope deep down is that she'll get counseling and be normal, and that she won't find a new person.   Then again, maybe you DO want to be friends.  What I think you want is to be able to be normal or have some kind of relationship with her.

But in general, it's a beautiful letters.  It made me cry.  You deserve someone who is  that sweet right back to you.

It's too bad this disease takes good people and gives them such a bad side.

I was told never to apologize to a BPD person... . but I don't know if that's true.  You apologize in this letter, but I don't know if you really did anything wrong, or you are just being made to feel bad.  If you think you did something genuinely wrong, certainly apologize.  Just don't feel obligated to take the blame.

Hang in there. 

I just read it again.  I like it all, except the first line.  I think it gives the wrong impression even though it is a kind and sweet line.  She could use that to say, "Well, you were the one who JUST wants to be friends."  Maybe you can take it out entirely or just find a different way to say it.  Maybe "I wish we could talk again, even if it's just as friends."

Beautiful letter aside, my only thought is that you still see her as a rational human being. And given just the exact perfectly crafted words, you will totally reach her -- make her get it -- understand everything, etc.

It ain't happening.

I've written those letters too. It is those very thoughts of understanding, etc. that go into those letters, that bounce around our heads, that keep us trapped because we think that if we think enough, we will figure it all out. In the case of a pwBPD, that will never be true. She will never understand what you understand. If she could, you would not be on this board. You'd be off somewhere enjoying your life with her. She is not a mere few good words away from normal.

Stick to your NC. It actually says far more than any letter could, and does so in a way that she will actually understand.

And p.s. The irony is that when you try and explain yourself, they will almost for sure become mad and rage. But if you instead say nothing, ignore them, they will think and think and pine away. It may not make sense, but it sure is the facts.

I would like to be friends, but I'm not totally sure it's something she's capable of.  She's struggling with a pretty serious prescription drug addiction (Norco and Percocet, mostly) as well, so I have to look at things from the point of view of both a drug addict and a person with BPD.  I don't have any close friends that have dealt with a BPD partner, but one of my good friends did have a partner with a drug problem, and she tells me that my ex will never get better so long as she's knows I'm there to enable her.  I told her that I hadn't been enabling her since the break up, thought when we were together I was certainly guilty of all sorts of enabling, but she told told me today that my being there for her emotionally is the worst kind of enabling for a drug addict.  That so long as I'm there to lean on she'll never hit rock bottom and she'll never get better.

I'm pretty sure she's right.  I think my ex has to deal with her addiction first, though I suspect the addiction is mostly a symptom of the BPD, and both things make the other worse.  I have looked inside a lot today, really trying to see what it is I want out of this situation, and I think the main motivating factor for me guilt.  I feel the most intense, crippling guilt over abandoning my ex even though I know she's sick and hurting.  Logically, I can understand that she's an adult and she's not my responsibility and she needs to make better decisions for herself, but my rescuing tendencies are always strong, and with her they're almost undefeatable.   I've read a lot of BPD books, but not much on how to get over a savior/rescuer complex.  Can anyone direct me to some good reading material on the subject?  The guilt is overwhelming to the point that I find myself shaking and crying not able to eat for days.

I do want her to have a good life.  Through all the nasty things she's said and done, I still look at her and see a scared, lost girl who has so much pain inside all the time that she's killing herself trying to numb it.  If we could be friends down the road, once she's gone through treatment and is on the road to recovery, I'd be thrilled.  I'm not counting on it happening, but it would be a really pleasant surprise.

So now I guess the next step is to try and find the root of why I need to rescue her so badly, and also why I find myself consistently attracted to women that need rescuing.  Cluster B personality disorders seem to have some magnetic pull over me, which makes sense because my mom had severe histrionic and narcissistic personality disorder, and while I've managed to cope and be a happy, successful adult in every other facet of my life, I think somewhere deep down I still think that love feels the way it felt when I was growing up:  Shaky, volatile, angry, illogical, uncertain, constantly in flux, and always threatening to leave (my mom did wind up taking off when I was 15 and my youngest sister was 8).  I think I'm going to look into finding a local therapist to see if I can figure out why I keep repeating the pattern I hate the most from my childhood.

Thanks to everyone for their insight and kinds words. 

Gaslit: You're absolutely correct, though my ex does have a lot of moments of clarity and there are times when she really does "get it." It just never lasts.

MomTara: I'm a female dork myself, sometimes caustic, but mostly just a dork.  I've never heard that you're not supposed to apologize to a BPD person, but I'll see if I can find any info on that.  My apologies are mostly for things said in retaliation when she had split me black. They weren't unprovoked, but I felt bad about them anyway.

SB: As always, thanks for making me look at this more as an issue with me than an issue with her.  There's nothing I can do to make her stop being sick. I know that. I just forget that I know it sometimes.

LC: You're probably right. No matter what the future holds, now is not the time to try and be friends.  It'll just lead to more anger.

Write the letter but make it about you, and for you. Heal yourself.

I wish I/we could be friends. As hard as it was at times, it was also such a close and beautiful connection. I miss it. I miss myself/you. I don't know why everytime i think I/we've talked through the anger and gotten to a better place, the anger seems to leap out of nowhere and obliterate every step I/we took forward. I hope someday all that anger will just be gone. It won't be hiding under the surface waiting for an excuse to come out.

Even if I/we never see myself/each other again, I hope one day I/we can talk and text (and share things) again.  I hope I/we can leave the past behind and just focus on how much I/we enjoy having myself/each other to talk to.  Despite what I/you may believe, my love for myself/you never wavered. I/You meant the world to me. I hope I hear from myself /you some day and I’m/you're happy and content and loving the hell out of life. I’ll/You'll always be my first great love, and there's a place in my heart that will never stop being True to myself/yours.

I know I’m/we're not healthy for each other right now, but I want myself/you to know that I'm sorry for the things I did wrong.  I wish myself/you all the happiness in the world with whatever life I/you choose. Thank myself/you for the good times, and for loving myself/me.  I'll never regret the love that I/we shared.

Oh!  I thought you were a guy, for  some reason.  Just my ignorance.     

Regarding your rescuer complex, nothing wrong with being a little codependent, but yeah, I'm sure your mom's history shaped your future relationships.  My mom is mentally ill and probably that's why I ended up with my guy too.

causticdork, you are doing great examining yourself! Kudos to you on your self-examination. It is not easy facing our own issues.

I have friends that are recovered drug addicts and alcoholics. They all had to hit "rock bottom" before choosing to get help to stop using. They had to come to that decision themselves.

If you want some reading for yourself about rescuing tendencies, look up "codependency". You may have many codependent traits, and it's worth reading about.

the letter seems to have a lot of hooks in it, to me.  and she would likely see/feel/intuit/or imagine them even where they don't exist to you AND regardless the condition of her current R/s and you won't likely get the reaction you're hoping for.  rhetorical question: what reaction 'are' you hoping for?  IMPO, your letter sounds ambiguous and conflicted. remember, what looks to you like a small footpath, can look to a pwBPD as a 6 lane highway to barrel down at warp speed.  IOW, she will see what she wants to see and if she wants you back, in even the slightest way, she will see your letter as a beating-around-the-bush way of saying you do too.

i wrote dozens of those letters to my xBPDgf.  some i actually gave/sent to her.  results rarely met my expectations (which i thought was to have "closure" but i now see that wasn't always true.  or should i say that was a "surface" truth).  sometimes we got back together, but of course didn't last.  it couldn't. 

and this was hard to believe, but sometimes she did NOT even read them (yes i actually saw a couple of them laying around, UNOPENED, weeks, even months later!  btw, i also saw unopened mail from others such as her parents and at least 2 other ex's, including the woman she was engaged to unbeknownst to me @ the time she told me she'd fallen in love with me!  that R/s, again unbeknownst to me, continued behind my back, long distant & phone & letter, for at LEAST several months into OUR R/s).  she just did not care about my gut wrenching, straight from the heart letters.  could not care?  too caught up in the drama of her own world?). 

of course, with 256 possible presentations of BPD    , YMMV. 

icu2

That list was not to see how she fit in with your friends. Its to see how she may fit with your moral code and idea of what friendship actually means.

It shows some compatibility issues Caustic. And if I was going to be friends with someone they would need to possess those qualities on that list.

Be mindful, of what is drawing you to this person. The answer lies with you because you know what your friend is now capable of.

Ok hears the deal ... . you are still in love with her and thats ok... . your letter is for a normal breakup between two rational people.  You need to address 3 things... 1. You need to bring personal closure to this relationship. 2. You need to  stop  all contact and live off your wonderful memories... 3 tear that letter up in a million pieces and move on physically and emotionally. Stay the course

I wish I could write a letter, too fresh too painful. Your letter is really truly from the heart.

I know the pain and sadness you have, I have it too.

My grandmother told me and I have written this on a sticky note that is in my wallet.

You can't meet the right person if your with the wrong one... .

Someone is out there who will write beautiful letters to you one day and give you back what you deserve.  Just remember how wonderful a person is that could write that letter, and know that person deserves to get a letter as heartfelt back.

Causticdork ... . your letter is really lovely ... . but I honestly worry about it and any outcome. You come across, genuinely, as wishing your ex well and even very sorry for all the pain and conflict and your part.

I tried to do the same before I really understand what I was dealing with - my co-dependence with someone I thought was, yes, co-dependent (so many nonBPD couples deal with this!) but not BPD. I sent a similar letter, twice. At the end of the first phase of our relationship (I was dumped but there was so conflict, I thought WE should have agreed to this mutually), I wrote such a letter. No response. I was shocked. Somehow I "forgot" about that. Then when I was dumped the second time after we'd reunited and were the best ever - this person literally spiralled about "external things" and I truly believed it wasn't about us this time and then ... . wham! ... . The push pull on his part happened for a few months, like 5 of them, and I was so confused, so torn between love and OUR commitment and plans and anger and mistrust. I was very honest and clear (and in T) about taking space, that we may be able to find a space for friendship but I was not ready ... . that in time we'd see what the ground was as we each moved on with our lives. ... . That boundary was firm but it was crossed, slowly but surely. I caved. More confusion. I stood my ground again but not before writing a letter such as yours... .

I was stunned again (how, I do not know?) that I did not receive a response, saying yes, I feel the same, hopefully we can come to some place of understanding again... . Nothing... . Just more push pull and in fact the last letter I sent intensified it... .

So I fear that your letter, because of its strength and integrity, is letting your ex know or rather reminding your ex of her issues and what seems to be her larger role in this - something she cannot do. Not now, not yet, maybe and sadly, for many, likely never. At the same time, I fear your letter also suggests that you are both not healthy "right now" - I know you meant for friendship, but there is hope or what can be interpreted as embedded hope in that... .

So if my intuition is correct, I fear you letter does open itself up to the BPD double: the intense shame and guilt AND letting her know you will always love her no matter what, even as her friend. And for the BPD, I honestly believe this is a way to run... . not from you but from her own issues - i.e., I wasn't that bad, he loves me no matter what and HE is sorry... . In turn, I do not think you will get the "normal" response at all.

Hope that makes sense. BTW, years before I met my exBPD I was in another long-term relationship for over two years (my BPD ex and I were together in total, with the first split, for close to 3 years). I see now we were both co-dependent (more than usual) and there were issues on both sides but neither of us was BPD. It took us a while to find our ground, but each of wrote us letters like this and each of us responded with compassion and gratitude and honesty about how hard it was and we DO wish each other the best. We are not close close friends but we keep in touch now and then and genuinely continue to wish each other the best... .

All best to you on this hard journey!

Thanks everyone.  I've been talking to a friend that dealt with a partner who was an addict, and I think I'm going to attend a few Al-Anon meetings, or at least read up on some information there.  I keep hearing the same thing from everyone, whether they're giving advice about BPD or addiction, and that's that she has to get better on her own.  That having me around for emotional support is enabling her to stay sick. 

She wound up contacting me and we have talked some.  I realize that every time we have contact she winds up thinking we're going to get back together, no matter how clear I am that that's not what I want.  A lot of this is my fault.  I've definitely had a hard time saying that I wouldn't ever want to give it another try.  Even though there's no scenario where I can imagine us working things out, when she asks me flat-out if I would maybe consider taking another shot at things if she went through therapy and got clean and was in serious treatment for her BPD, I always find myself saying it's a possibility.  I should tell her no.  If I had established healthy boundaries I wouldn't have been in this relationship in the first place though, so clearly that's something I need to work on.

I'm gathering information on some local sliding scale rehab clinics that I'm going to direct her to.  Right now I feel like rather than just telling her that we can't have any contact, I'd prefer to tell her we can't have contact until she's gone all the way through the rehab process, and after that it will only be contact as friends.  I'm curious as to how much of her BPD behavior is a direct result of her addiction.  Based on some things I've read on this board, addicts behave a lot like BPDs even if they aren't actually BPD. 

I know there's a chance she'll get angry and tell me to eff off and that I'm toying with her heart and can't make up my mind.  Honestly, it's one of the only things she has some right to be upset about.  I am confused, and I do have a hard time deciding if I want her around.  We've been broken up for four months and I have never once said we could get back together, but I have left that possibility open for a distant future.  And since this is my first experience with drug addicted partner, I've made some really bad decisions when it comes to our post-relationship lives. 

Essentially, I know I need to walk away.  I know I'm not responsible for her and that if she decided to walk away from me that she wouldn't feel a lick of guilt about it, but I'm still struggling really hard.  I hate abandoning people I care about. I hate the idea of leaving her all alone, though I know that it's what she needs if she ever wants to get better.  I'm just trying to get to the point where I can tell her that and not cave when she begs me to help her through.  I've told her we had to go NC five or six times now, and since I never stick to it, I always feel bad for my end of the push/pull. 

**sigh**  I know what I have to do, and I thank you all for your various words of support and advice.  If anyone has any tips for dealing with the guilt aspect of walking away then I'd really appreciate it.  I just don't know what to say, or how to stop myself from going into Rescue Mode when she's hurting. 

Say nothing, do nothing, help you!

Why do you think you go into rescue mode? What are you getting from it?  Where you prescribed to play this role as a child - to look after everyone else but you?

I always had to look after myself, but no, I had older siblings who did most of the rescuing that my parents failed at.  I spent more time parenting my younger siblings than a child in a healthy home would do, but no, I don't think my childhood is where my rescuing behavior originated.  I honestly don't know WHY I have that compulsion, but I can tell you that with this particular person it's heavily rooted in guilt.  Not because I think I did anything especially bad in our relationship(I was a pretty supportive and solid partner, I think) but because I promised her that I'd be there with her though anything, and breaking that promise kills me.

I know I didn't sign on for the drugs and the PDs. I know everyone swears to love and support their partners, and that most of the time we really mean it.  I know that this situation is one where supporting her means letting her fall down as many times as it takes, WITHOUT me helping her get back up.  I just need to remind myself of that when the guilt takes over.

^Clearmind's suggestion sounds like a good strategy!

Your ex needs the floor pulled out from under her 100% to hit rock bottom. My ex used to say she hit rock bottom but that was BS because I was there to hold her up and further enable her. I am in pain because I want to do the things you say you want to do, CD, but I know that is ONLY soothing MY own bad feelings and NOT truly helping my ex in any way!

I promised my ex that I would never leave her too. And while it breaks my heart to break that promise, I have to choose what I think is right over what is easy. Doing this is part of the work I need to do for me to heal. Not everybody has to agree with me, but this is the conclusion that I've arrived at.

I think that's a lovely letter and I think its a great thing to send. im not sure what others here would say, but I imagine cutting iff BPD exes who don't know how you feel is hard too for them

did she cheat on you or do terrible things to you or was she just coo coo

look I have to be honest here. when I read this letter it almost sounds just like my ex, who I think has BPD, who has convinced me that I have bod and maybe I do.

I know that I am aching for a letter like this. I don't need him in my life but he just left out of nowhere and said "you cant help someone who cant help themselves"

which now im totally confused because he seems to think I have iussues... . which makes me rage at him.

maybe I do have BPD- but all I wnt in the world is a letter just like that to put the issue to sleep. it nags at me constantly. everything felt unresolved and there was never a celear reason for why he thinks im so messed up that I need help... . other than feeling completely destroyed when he stopped communication. He has treated me like someone who has a mental illness and effectively mind&%$Kefd me into thinking I have one.

id say send it.

if my ex is right that im someone so terrible he cant be with me,a nd all his friends seem to agree, then I have BPD and id love this kind of closure.

what hurts the most is that my ex thinks I have issues, and im not perfect, I even told him id work on them (having no idea what he means other then minor depression and a cynical attitude at times) but he said "its not something you can change overnight.


(incidentally im still totally lost. I cant let go, I acted nuts, but I also paid for everything, he left out of nowhere, he cheated 3 times and turned people to thinking im a bad controlling manipulator, which im losing my mind figuring out whats the truth, but like I said, some sort of closure other then some condescending hit about me needing to work my life out myself would be a godsend.)

ps- I in no way meant to imply that you have a disorder I just am speaking from someone who feels confused when I get communication like this

to the guilt of walking away and abandoning someone we know DID and still does need us and yet can give us nothing in return... . ugh! it's so painful and yet I think necessary. ... . and worse, perhaps, when I did go NC it was torture. He knows I meant it this time and showed up again and again - just stuff but always emotionally loaded, of course - and then recently again I got another email that was "couched" in work issues but so bizarre and all because it was emotionally loaded again. I responded, professionally, AND copied other colleagues. NC is one of the most painful things I have ever had to do in my life, perhaps the most painful. I truly loved and love this person but my guilt about no-contact is about ME and me only finally. If/when I resume contact or have in the past, it has only meant more heartbreak. I cannot take it. ... . Seems to me, and this may be the case with my ex (from some rumours I've hear), the BPD will move on to someone else if they haven't already... . I was/am here and the one in T. I get it all in terms of saying look, let's put all of our issues on the table and be honest ... . it has never worked... Ever... . After what is now close to three years. ... . I was for a long time stuck in the "love will prevail" mode. There is love, all over the place, but it does not prevail. Not in my case... . And I cannot feel guilty about this anymore. I have turned myself inside out figuring out MY co-dependence, but I am not BPD. I HAVE hit rock-bottom and my ex needs to as well. I just don't believe he ever will. And that is the difference between us... . If he does, I will be sorrowfully happy for him. What that would mean for us is such a moot point b/c it has not happened! And until or unless it does, nothing matters... . except no longer enabling ourselves or others and moving on with the hard-learned lessons... . It's so sad, isn't it! But maybe this is all really healthy too, so I am learning too... . (I have been "warned" that two new replies were posted as I was typing... . need to crash out but will read tomorrow and thank you all for all the great dialogue and honesty!)

Thanks guys.  I think that, as non BPDs, we seek closure.  I think it's a pretty normal thing for a human being to desire, especially when an intense relationship comes to an end.  I'm starting to think that maybe BPD makes closure impossible though, because I've had multiple conversations with my ex where we had what I thought was closure or a resolution, and it never stuck.  Closure requires an emotional regularity that they don't possess. So I can talk till I'm blue in the face and no matter how much progress we make, when she gets triggered none of it will mean a thing.

I would really like to see what my ex is like when she's clean and sober.  I wonder if the person I fell in love with is the person she really is when her addiction/disorder aren't taking over, or if the real her is someone else entirely.

I also really wanted to know this. But to be honoust: you will never know, unless the pwBPD will heal.

Untill then it's projecting, mirroring and there will be no way to tell who she really is.

Probably all of the behaviour is hers, but probably none of the behaviours is hers.

She is BPD.

She is ALREADY the real her. Isn't accepting that the true "closure"?

What our exes might possibly become is not reality. It's wishful thinking. I know now that's what kept me trapped in an unhealthy relationship.

It's more curiosity than anything.  I realized the Catch 22 of our ever giving the relationship another shot is that I don't believe she would want to if she were really healthy.  If she went through enough therapy and got to a better state of mind I think she'd see that our relationship is not something that can be salvaged. So long as she's pressing for a romantic reconciliation, I'll assume she's still sick and clinging. 

Caustic - do I understand the facts of the situation clearly?

- you ended it with her

- she has a new very serious girlfriend

- she wants to be back with you

- you want to be friends only

- she is not in treatment

- you are not in treatment

- you think she has an addiction problem

- you think if she were not BPD or an addict, she would understand it is better to only be friends

- you are seeking closure

- you are back in contact with her

- you have not studied the communication tools and effectively use them when you are in contact with her

- you are gathering info for her to go to treatment

- she has not indicated she wants to go to treatment

Please let me know if I am misunderstanding some of the facts here so we can all be on the same page.

Thanks!

Okay, so... .

-I did end things

-She HAD a serious boyfriend, but broke up with him, which I think is why she contacted me (I didn't know that at the time of contact)

-I want to be friends

-She is not in treatment

-I am currently calling around trying to find a T, but haven't been to one yet

-She absolutely has an addiction problem. Has lost a job and been to jail because of it

-I think she might understand better if she weren't high and disregulated

-I would love closure, but I think I need to accept that I'll never get it

-She contacted me and we were speaking for the last two days

-I have studied the tools, and sometimes used them effectively. Not always, for sure.

-I gathered lots of info, she told me she didn't need treatment

-When we first broke up she told me she needed/wanted to go to treatment, but I guess she's changed her mind since then

In the last day things have changed a lot, she only took about 24 hours to go from missing me and wanting to be friends to hating me again.  I was thinking I probably needed to go back toNC anyway, but she decided we shouldn't be friends, so I just took that as saving me the guilt of walking away from her and I wished her well.  She did wind up reading the letter after we spoke and her response was something along the lines of, "I don't know how to respond. I guess I agree."   

Hmmm, do you feel any better?

I think it's good that you said what you wanted and needed to say.  Now you won't always wonder.  And she actually read it and said "I guess I agree."  In the long run it's hard to know what will happen, but you can always know that you did the right thing.

Thanks for clarifying all the info above - just wanted to make sure I wasn't confusing your facts with someone else.


I don't really think I understand the definition you have of closure - what more does closure look like for you?

I think I have as much closure as I'll ever get, but I guess it doesn't feel like real closure when the last thing she says to me is some petty dig about some stupid thing she's  angry over.  I got more closure than most people here, I know.  My ideal situation would have been parting ways without all the nasty texts from her.  I've learned it's best not to strike back when she starts listing off all the stuff she hates about me, so I tried to keep discourse civil, but she just kept escalating and trying to get me to fight so I asked her flat-out if she wanted to stay friends or not.  She said she was better off without me.  I told her I wouldn't contact her again and I wished her well.  She sent me a few more mean texts that I didn't respond to, and that's where we left things.  I think it's where we'll always leave things no matter how many times we try and talk it out.  I'm learning to accept that. 

This looks to me like closure - believe people when they tell you something like this.  They mean it even if you don't want to hear it.

Closure is not always friendly - usually in a breakup someone has hurt feelings... . that is normal actually.

Closure is the reason why it is over - since you ended it, it seems you are the one who had enough information to close that door, right?  Acceptance looks like letting that information dictate your future behavior.


I bolded this for you - you are totally right.

I know you wanted to be friends with her and I am sorry it has not worked out the way you wished.   

Not everyone needs or should be friends with an ex for a variety of reasons.  It is sometimes more healthy for BOTH people and for future relationships to not be friends.  Especially if the bond is very intense - let's face it BPD relationships are intense.

So, what now for you?  Al-Anon?  Therapy?

hi CD, you and your experience with your BPDgf are highly relate-able to me and my xBPDgf.  but sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees.  so, i copy/pasted what seems to be a distillation of what you're going through. 

this may be a hard pill to swallow and forgive me if it's too blunt, but can you see that you are (based on what you've said, see above) you are doing all this for you, not her?  you say it all in those 2 sentences.

BTDT... . been there done (and STILL doing) that  lol  ,

icu2

@ucmeicu2 -- For sure, the guilt is my own issue and one I need to deal with.  I agree that my desire to eliminate that feeling of guilt has been my strongest motivator, even when I'm trying to do what's best for her.  How are you doing with yours?  Any contact or trying to stay away?

Next for me... . Not sure.  Definitely want to find a therapist just to deal with some of those core issues that make me seek out these types of relationships.  When I was trying to be her friend I was looking into Al-Anon, but since we're not speaking anymore I don't know how much good it would do.  I have a history of dating mentally unstable/emotionally unavailable women, but she's the only addict I've ever been with, so I think Al-Anon would be focusing too much on her instead of on me.   If I start to feel like I need to rescue her again then I might try checking out a meeting.  Right now I'm feeling pretty solid.  I said what I needed to say, and she heard and agreed with it before she got angry and decided not to speak to me anymore.   

CODA - same 12 steps, focused specifically about relationships.  May help with the pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable ladies.

Good luck to you!

phew, i'm glad that was rcv'd ok by you.  after i posted i got concerned it was too harsh when i noticed you're a newbie here like me.   :)



i have had NC w/her for 5 months and at times have felt like i might die from it.  or like i wanted to die.  NC has not been easy b/c she kept calling my best friend, who eventually blocked her.   ... . but i am getting better, slowly.

re  al-anon:  i'm pretty sure that al-anon is still a good resource, even if a friendship or r/s isn't current or on-going.  

the info in this pdf blew me away.  maybe you'll also find it helpful. 

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf 

this passage esp hits home for me (the bold is added by me): 

"Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this.

We also need to question your own motives and your expectations for wanting to help.  Is this kindness or a type “well intentioned” manipulation on your part

- an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which the

y suffer? More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully

grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we are attempt to help anyone else.

You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival.  If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away.  Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

   icu2

Yeah, I got a barrage of nasty, angry texts from her yesterday.  I know how she explodes into a fit of rage when I ignore her, and we had only been NC for about an hour at the time anyway, so I decided to try something new.  I used the SET tools, and replied to all her angry accusations by telling her I understood she was upset and that I wished her well and hoped she found her happiness.  She tried to bait me repeatedly, and when she saw that I wasn't going to fight she eventually gave up and reiterated that we shouldn't speak to each other anymore.  I told her that was probably for the best, and to take care of herself, and that was it.  She's texted a couple times today to let me know she found a power cord I'd been looking for for the past few months, and to arrange to give it to a mutual friend, and that was it. 

Who knows what will happen from here on out.  I've read the 10 Beliefs, and the one you bolded, along with The Belief That if You Say it Louder You'll Be Heard were the ones that resonated with me the most.  I'm taking things one day at a time for now.

Wow... Reading through this shed some light on behavior from "the ex" and explained why I had feelings like I was in a no win situation. The part about us being the triggers. Sure felt like there was not a thing I could do about it. She was addicted to meth. She yelled at me after we broke up "YOU MADE ME WANT TO USE". Now I know it is typical addict behavior to blame anyone but themselves, however, another time she told me that she relapsed because of how bad she hurt me. Another time I had a fire and my place burned to the ground. She told me she relapsed then too. Her bad behavior seems to be set off by anything about me. She also lies about everything so who knows what the truth really is.

caustic, my therapist also recommended writing letters and not sending them. She also suggested I keep a journal and write in it every night, even if my thoughts/feelings were the same the night before. While I haven't done either this time around, it's probably best I do. Sometimes, when I'm home and relaxing, I imagine things I'd say to her if I were to ever have a face-to-face, heart-to-heart with my ex BPD'er. These are the times when I should follow what you're doing and art writing the letters and keep the journal. I'd actually forgotten about both of those so for what it's worth, Thank You for helping to job my memory a little! I hope you're getting better with each passing day, too. :)