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The biggest single ongoing issue that I seem to have with my BPD Domestic Partner is that he seems to think it is ok to go online, meet other single guys (he's gay), and then go out with them without inviting me.  He's cheated on my in the past, so I don't trust him with 1 on 1 encounters with other guys.  In our 17 years together I've never been invited - not even once.  I invite him all the time to join me with my friends, but he rarely does that.  He seems to think that he has to develop some kind of significant friendship with someone before I can be introduced.  I never get introduced though.  When I put my foot down and insist on being included, he just stops trying to make friends, or more likely, does so more secretly.  We have a counseling session in a few days, and this is likely to be the main topic.  :)o others of you see similar behavior in your partner, and if so, have you had any success in getting them to follow a more normal pattern of going out with friends as a couple instead of this kind of secretive friendship behavior?

We both went to the counseling session today, and he was friendly upon arriving, but the joint session only lasted about 15min before he blew up and ran out of the office.  We didn't really even get to the point of discussing any issues... . we were only discussing the plan for how counseling sessions would go.  He apparently had some pent up anger though, and kept saying things that put me down during the session.  The counselor got on him about doing that, and he ended up blowing up at her as well as me.  Now he refuses to answer his phone, and has just been sending me hate mail and threats via text.  I had hoped this counseling would help, but for the moment at least, it seems to have caused a problem, and triggering his emotions has now resulted in worse communications.  This seems difficult... . I need to get him to counseling to help solve problems, but getting him to counseling triggered him, at least this time.

It's kinda difficult to give up on someone whom you have a 17 year relationship with - but I would suggest for now focusing on yourself and not letting his behavior drag you down.  It just doesn't look like he is receptive to any kind of communication right now, and any attempt on your part to get him to calm down will likely wind up hurting you with more threats and hate.

My girlfriend also recently got into an argument with her therapist - it's very alarming to hear that. Counselors are trained to keep people calm and if your partner blew up at someone with professional training, you stand little chance of getting him to calm down right now.

Unfortunately I'm kind of familiar with the scenario that you describe - I'm married to someone who loves to have secret "friendships" which lack boundaries and never seem to include me.  It sucks, there's no way around it.

As far as the couples counseling goes, I'll give you my honest opinion. I feel that it's a set-up for failure to participate in a session like this with a person with an untreated PD.  Couples counseling requires that both parties go in with a desire to look at their own behaviors, along with the willingness AND ability to work towards making positive changes, which is all but impossible to do with a person with a PD. More experienced posters may disagree with me here, but I believe that individual therapy, both for you and for your partner would be more beneficial at this time.  If he refuses, you would still have a lot to gain from going on your own.

I guess it does seem that couples counseling isn't going to work right now, even with the change from the usual couple's counseling that we made.  This was different in that we had both of our individual counselors present, instead of a standard single couple's counselor.  I think his counselor was pretty surprised by how he acted when I was present.  Hopefully I can get him to go back to this individual counselor, now that she's seen how he really acts.  He's been thru quite a few counselors, and I think this one might have just gotten fired as far as he is concerned.  His individual counseling doesn't seem to have helped that much... . I think what he tells them about me is likely pretty one sided, and since they don't catch on to his behavior in one-on-one sessions, nothing gets fixed.  I do wonder though if the four-way meetings including both individual counselors may still be beneficial though, not so much to act as couple's counseling, but so both counselors can see the specific problems firsthand, and then his counselor can work with him individually on his issues, while my counselor can help me to deal with his behaviors.

Now since running out from the counselor, he's intermittently contacting me, but emotionally he's all over the place.  Nice and loving one minute, attacking and telling me he's moving out the next.  He's also getting rage triggered very easily.  Is it better to engage with them when they are like this and try to validate their pain, or ignore the attacks?  This is quite hard on me right now... . all of the ups and downs.  Just when I think things are going good, the mood shifts back to anger.

Hi Non-BPDinWA

It does seem to be an overall experience that couples therapy isn't very effective in these kinds of relationships. I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be hard on you.

Seeing as how here on the Staying board we focus on improving ourselves and our relationships and making healthier decisions, what do you think you could do in this situation? If you don't know, please take a look at the Lessons on the right ------->

There's a lot of helpful information there.

So, where would you like to take it from here, and how would you go about it?

A hard question, but a necessary one to not be stuck in the same pain indefinitely.