BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

I haven't posted here for quite some time, a over a year I think. Here is my history here if anyone is interested https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=47107;sa=showPosts

I haven't been happy in my relationship for a long time. I've been fed up with the screaming, the swearing, having things thrown at me, being told of all the things I do wrong all the time, being the sole source of her stress, being accused of lying when I was being sincere, being accused of looking in another women's direction, constantly being told she wants to break up with me etc etc etc. There were good times for sure but they were never enough to block out what I knew was always coming around the corner.

My gf flew back to her home country a few weeks ago. We have been in contact by Skype, phone and email and things were ok. She wasn't able to get to a computer for a few days which was fine as we had planned it out. We had made a date to chat via phone one evening which I ended up being late. My ride was late, my phone ran out of battery and then my ride decided to grab take out on the way home which took a lot longer than expected. Anyway I missed the date and couldn't contact my gf for a number of reasons outside of my control. Due to the time differences in where we live by the time I got home there were a number of emails she had sent me that deteriorated in content with the last one saying "In case you give a **** I am deleting everything from you and about you."

I don't know why but that was the straw the broke the camels back. I wrote a short message back to her explaining the situation and how her response made me feel. The next day I was busy all day and so made no effort to contact her as I needed to clear my head and sort through everything going on. When I finally checked my emails there was a long string of emails detailing how due to my silence I must be breaking up with her and how upset she was at her own behaviour. This is all when I made no mention of breaking up whatsoever.

It just made me think though how many more times am I going to be put in this situation if I stay in this relationship and am I ok with it? I had decided a long time ago that I wasn't but had never had the courage to do it in the moment. I decided there and then that this would really be the end.

I skyped with her last night to clear the air and be firm in my decision making. There was a lot of crying on both sides and she was very upset, almost begging me to change my mind. In those moments I find it the hardest because she becomes the gf I always want her to be, she understands why what she has done previously has hurt me, she apologised for those things and she was generally very accepting and caring. This is another reason why I found it so hard to leave before because when she saw how serious I was it was like she flipped a switch in her brain and become very understanding and apologetic and I would fall for it every time. 

Not this time though. It is easier being away from each other because she is much easier to block out. I don't have to worry about her calling me in tears begging me to come see her which I've fallen for before.

It is still really hard though because we did have a lot in common and a lot of really good times. she was telling me yesterday how special I was too her and how she would never find anyone else like me (something that I am aware is common for people with BPD to say to their partners). Even though I know much of it is just words it is still hard to hear and makes me feel very sorry for her. I have a really hard time disappointing people and this feels like the worst betrayal right now because I know how upset she is about all this right now. That's the part I find the hardest to deal with.

I keep running through scenarios of "maybe, just maybe she finally gets it and thing will be different this time." I know of course that they won't be and reading through the stuff I have written on this site before is a good reminder of how things will never change with her.

It is early days yet, I think I'm dealing with it mainly by avoiding thinking about it completely and trying to keep busy. I think writing about it will help to process everything going on.

None of my friends or family now that we have broken up and I'm still hesitant to say anything because I don't know if I am quite ready to say that this three and a half year relationship is over. I want it to be and it should be but at the same time I do miss her.