BPDFamily.com

What I am asking is not intended to be taken as if it is healthy thinking or not.  I simply want to understand the mindset (especially women BPD's).  I have posted my story in "My long distance BPD" if anyone wants to read it, but one of the issues I am struggling with the most is not being recycled back to a "boyfriend-like" status following our break up.  First off, I understand we are 330 miles from one another, so that may be the answer to my question... . lol.  I realize that I am not readily available to be there at her beckon call for what she seeks.  Understand that we never really had any major fights of any sort, as we were most likely too far away to get on each other's nerves the way those that live in the same town can.  After her third visit to see me in Chicago (she lived in Iowa), I started to since within that week that she was backing off a bit.  It took her another six weeks before she could admit to wanting to break up.  She gave me many reasons, but they all seemed like a "reach" to say the least.  I believe at the end of the day, she could not handle pulling a long distance relationship with any sort of real commitment.  Her intention the whole time was to move to chicago and live with me, and when the reality of that set in, she realized she was not ready.  As I mentioned, she gave me other excuses but I believe that was the main reason for her breaking up with me.  (That, and that I did not set enough boundaries with her and allowed her to take advantage of my "nice guy" personality... . which caused her to disrespect me I think.  That was my fault.)  So while there were not all the yelling and screaming fights, there was lying, pushing/pulling, manipulation, etc. 

After breaking up, within a couple weeks we were starting to get back to being close again.  While we did have phone sex a couple times and sent each other a couple erotic texts, there was never actually a time when she recycled me back to a physical connection.  Again, the distance may well be the answer to this.  I do believe that if I was living near her town, that we may indeed have.  Physical attraction was not the issue during our boyfriend/girlfriend time, as that was what we were drawn to about one another in the first place.  Our sex was very good, and she even echoed this to me a couple months later when she told me she was impressed with me in the bedroom.  I tried to come and see her in Iowa, but every time an attempt would be made, she would cancel a week or so before with a bad excuse.  I never doubted that there were most likely other suitors, so I am not being dillusional.  It's just that I read all these stories about ex BPD's breaking up with their boyfriends and then coming back to them even if only for a short time, or just for sexual needs, etc.  She did speak to me on the phone that she would definitely be open to continuing to have a sexual relationship with me, but I dont know if she was just saying that to satisfy my ego or what.  One thing I will say, while there was some "splitting," (she did de-value me for a while after the break up) she never used the word "hate" or anything like that.  In fact, she told me that she has been hurt by people before, and that I was not one of them.  To tell the truth, she always spoke well of me.  Even when breaking up, she told me what a wonderful and talented person I am.  Just that I was not good for her (whatever that meant).

So, do these women have a hard time mixing emotional feelings with physical ones?  In other words, is it hard for them to see you as someone they can have a real emotional/mental connection with AND also feel a sexual one with as well?  She told me countless times during the "honeymoon" phase, how I am one of the sexiest men she has ever seen, and how much she thinks about us having sex together all the time.  Yet, after some of our issues started to arise, those compliments became far and few between.  However, our mental/emotional connection and ability to have wonderful conversations together actually got even better.  I truly enjoyed picking up the phone and speaking and laughing with her for hours on end about movies, life, work, etc.  For me, that only made my physical bond with her stronger.  With her, though, I am afraid to admit that I may have got "friend zoned" with her for some reason.  While she did contact me several times for about six weeks after the break up and even got somewhat frisky at times, it was never on the same animalistic side it was before that.  So while I may have ultimately dodged a bullet, my ego is hurt by this after hearing so many stories of other men's exes coming back in a physical way after a break up.   Does anyone have any insight into this?  I have not received a text/call from her in ten days, and do believe she may have met another rebound.  I just am curious as to why her feelings seemed to become more friend-like in nature, and would appreciate the feedback from those on this board.  Thank you in advance, as me male ego is really suffering from this to be completely honest.

Oh, one more thing.  I never had a mutual friend to bounce things off of concerning her, or ask what she says about me, or just overall insight into her relationship habits.  I think that can be invaluable in a relationship with someone like this, as it really gives you honest perspective from someone who will tell you like it is.  All I could ever go by was what she told me, and that got me nowhere and produced no sense of closure.  What I would not have given to be introduced to her from a mutual good friend... . sigh.

REPEAT = "IT IS NOT ABOUT ME"

BPD is rooted in abandonment (real or perceived) - as such, confusing her words, actions, emotions as having anything to do with whether or not she may or may not have been attracted to you is faulty thinking on your part based on the actual facts surrounding BPD.

The relationship itself (physical, emotional, etc) for a pwBPD is a way to soothe a wounded soul... . as much as it hurts to realize this, it is also the same fact that helps you let go.

Did she love you - yes

Was she attracted - yes

But her motivation and definition of love is likely very different from yours.

Keep repeating - "it was not about me"