BPDFamily.com

I haven’t posted many things on here, but I would like to let all of you know that you’ve helped me tremendously lately with your poignant stories and insight.

A year has passed since I went NC with my mother. I moved out of my grandmother’s house seven months ago, believing this decision would support the former one. I secured my own apartment and adapted to complete financial independence. Having my own space has allowed me to reflect, experience a new kind of peace, tone down my nervous system as I’m no longer in a state of high alert, enjoy a social life that was once difficult for me to have, etc. It was something I needed to do even though I’m of limited means, a college student with three jobs.

Living alone and away from the soul-sucking epicenter of drama has also led to my reaching a new depth of feeling because I’ve been allowed to process events of my childhood and those leading up to the NC policy. I read this on another thread, but I would describe recurring, simultaneous feelings of abandonment and guilt. Technically, I’m the one who refuses to speak to her, but that separation was caused by her behavior which could scarcely be described as motherly. I had to officially abandon her because of her severe emotional abandonment she subjected me to. (A year ago, for example, she ran off and married a guy on the internet and moved away, taking the “shared” car I had to pay for because she was out of work. This was, of course, not the first instance of emotional trauma, but it’s the latest, most concrete thing I could describe to others if they were to probe.) My grandmother raised me, supported my mother financially when she was unemployed; she is the figure I’m attached to, but she is in denial about my actual mother’s faults and thinks I should try to have a relationship with her because everyone else in the family and in her previous social circles has cut off ties. I think my grandmother’s opinions fuel the latter emotion I mentioned, guilt, and intensify it in me so much that I’ve limited contact with her even though I would prefer not to.

Deep sadness is the result. There was a period during which other family members reached out to me and validated my experiences, but I think they did that just so they could receive validation from her own daughter and heal themselves. They barely speak to me now after the supposed re-connection; my uncles and cousins once admitted to shunning me because they assumed “I’d be like her”. Right now I feel like I have no family whatsoever, and like it’s my fault. I’ve achieved a lot in the past couple years after dealing with what I did, and I never ask for financial assistance from anyone or cling onto them for any other reason. I just wish they’d ask me over for dinner every now and then, or have a genuine conversation with me when they see me in town.

My life and relationships outside of my family are amazing, so whenever I ruminate on these topics I just think of how far I’ve come. I have a number of close friends despite having been brought up in a socially-deprived environment created by a very unhealthy hermit type. I wasn’t enrolled in school for years at a time, wasn’t placed in any extracurricular activities, wasn’t allowed to have friends… At 20 I have a number of close, close friends, I go out frequently, I’m able to socialize comfortably with others and I’m a good waitress. I’m not the antisocial creature my mother used to allege I was, the creature she was herself. The only thing I struggle with now is romantic relationships; I’m admittedly dismissive of them, but I’m trying to work on bringing down my walls in this context, too.

Anyway—how have all of you dealt with this stage of mourning? growth?—I’m not sure what to call it. Sometimes I want to break down and admit her neglect and abuse was mostly imaginative, something which she argues to my grandmother, and try to have a semblance of a relationship with her. Then I stop myself and go over countless memories, the anecdotes of others, and remind myself of the progress I’ve made since I went NC. Does it get easier? Do you ever stop blaming yourself, ever stop feeling like you’re defective in some way because this part of your life is a wreck when it’s relatively normal for so many others?

Oh my gosh, we basically said a lot of the same things.

I don't think I went through a mourning period, I think it would be best labeled as a self loathing period. If my own mother couldn't love me, if what she said was correct, mother's don't lie after all, right? When I ran, I continued her work in tearing anything good in myself apart. But, I was also very very young. Right now, I have the upper hand and I'm buoyant, down right giddy, but it's also a little dark. I'm dealing with a lot of things that had to be put away in a deep dark closet so I could function and create some form of existence. I'm very lucky to have the support that I have, I found that it most generally will not be family because of the political mommy caucus and her czars of anguish. My step dad is the exception, but it only goes so far, he is too afraid to stand up too strong to her. I have however, found that chosen family is invaluable. I've been taking it one day at a time, I haven't cut off ties with her entirely since she lives so closely and there's some things in there that make it difficult. But, right now, it's ok. I found the chink in her armor and I think I can balance it. I have several times in the past, banned her from my life, mainly not because of what she did to me but my kids. It was a lonely time and it felt like something was always missing. I did question myself a lot, if I did the right thing, was I being selfish, horrible, ungrateful, etc. I did what you are doing now, remembering. Not to torture myself, but to keep myself strong. I did not imagine it, sometimes, I still need to hear that. My step dad has gotten used to this and will fill that void. I hear that you're not getting that void filled, so here, scoot on over and I'll tell ya. You are NOT imagining it, it's not in your head, you are not the bad one, you didn't ask for this, you didn't cause it, you deserve to have a life and happiness.

Hi Redfox-  I have had a similar struggle in recent years.  After finally getting more distance from my uBPD mom, moving far away, and getting a much more stable life, I almost struggle more emotionally now.  I think once I finally had a minute to myself and take stock of everything I've been through, I felt tremendous sadness and anger.  It is a strange thing, because you would think that a calm period would be a welcome relief, but some days are actually quite hard.  But the way I see it, I am no longer actively being traumatized, and instead I am on the path toward healing.  I also don't have much or really any family of origin support, which is hard, but I have worked on making support around me.  It took me a long time to realize that only pain will come from attempting to get my needs met in my family.  There is a lot of grief about that, but it is the truth of my situation.  I hope you can take care of you, and make decisions about contact based on what you need, not what other's think you should do.  Good luck!