BPDFamily.com

Sorry to go on about it. I've been to the gym to try and take my mind off it, but it's still eating me up.

I really regret sending it now. I have still had no response. I'm gonna sound like I've got BPD now because I need reassurance   lol

I know contacting her again is a big mistake, I just feel it was completely the wrong move.

Eric,

When I (in the past) have been tempted or fighting temptation to make contact... . I've switched my phone off & only back on when I've needed to make a call, then off again.

It may not work for everyone, but just those extra few moments it takes to power up can be enough time to bring you back to your senses & stop you.

Like I said, not for everyone but used to help me!

I do that when I go out. 1. So I don't get tempted to call her when I'm drunk & 2. It helps me enjoy my night not knowing if she's contacted or not.

I just sense that she called for a simple chat, to catch up & I blew it out of proportion by sending her that message.

Just sit tight & wait now then. 'It all comes out in the wash' as they say!

Being in a relationship with someone suffering from BPD is all consuming & takes your eye away from other interests & friends etc. It certainly did with me many others on these boards. I have been more productive with things for me in the last month than I managed in the entire last year of my relationship.

I've been more focused on my business which is still in infancy. I've started playing the drums again & got into a band (I stopped playing during my relationship coz she'd freak out about me gigging & meeting new people etc). I've been going out cycling on my mountain bike & exploring the beautiful countryside in the county I moved to for the relationship (that's been like a whole new adventure & have loved it). I've contacted friends I'd allowed my relationship to slowly alienate me from & been out for a few beers & had 'catch up' nights with them.

I've done these things for a number of reasons but all in all it's distracted me from so much more time I could have spent ruminating & winding myself up. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not infallible & do have my moments).

Good you're going to the gym mate I was glad to read that. If you focus on the things you love doing while you wait, you'll be amazed how much time slips by so much quicker. You may even find that when she does make contact that you're feeling a bit more relaxed about it all. That alone will make you look much much stronger & healthier and ultimately, more attractive than ever!

Keep posting on the boards when you're struggling, (there'll always be support from this lot here). Make time for yourself to catch up with old interests, and you will get through it fine mate. 

Glad you're doing well, moonie.

I think because she didn't reply, it gets me questioning whether it was the right move, should i have sent it. I spoke to my mate about it & he just said, it's done what she wanted. She rang you, now she knows you're thinking about her and the message implys that you would get back. Her job is done.

I know i shouldn't, but i'm thinking of just sending her a message saying that it wasn't cool to ask, take care. Or something. I know i should really leave it, but its tough not to.

Eric, I really feel for ya here.  It's hard sitting with our own jumbled thoughts and feelings.  It felt like my skin was crawling and I had to jump out of it and the only way to relieve the anxiety was by reaching out.  (over)Thinking my way through things was a way of life.  Saying something just right to get my point across... .

Problem was, with all that thinking and analyzing going on, something I wasn't taking into consideration was how desperate and obsessed I was coming off and how unnerving it would feel to the object of my desire.  While in the thick of it, I didn't feel obsessed, I felt justified.  I had to have this voracious need inside of me met!

That's how I was coming off... .  Like an addict.

The words I was using at that point mattered naught.  The actions behind the words were giving me away.

As hard as it is, try to simply   s  l  o w   d  o  w  n.

Give yourself permission to think about something else other than her.  

Imagine how you'd feel if say a month from now she calls, asks what you've been up to and you are able to say that hey, 'You took a weekend trip to hike part of the Appalachian Trail, you're in training for an upcoming bike marathon, you're in the midst of repainting your house, started up classes to further your career etc etc etc... . '

I'm not suggesting you do things in the hopes of her coming back around and looking at you differently.  More along the lines of, when you step out of making her the focus of your life, your life becomes more desirable to you.  You become more interesting to yourself and THAT is what shines through to others.

I had to force myself away from the phone, email and texting.  Literally sat on my hands until the urge of the moment passed!

Your life is important and it isn't directly tied to her or what she's thinking.  

What matters is the way you think about and live your life

Cheers, Phoebe.

I'm just gutted i didn't leave it after the phonecall and sent her that message. I've got a real urge just to give her a call, to tie things together & then leave it. Not to force her to anwser my question or mention it, but she needs a computer for a job interview & i could lend her mine. And, i kinda want to re-build the work that i obviously broke by sending that message.

This ___ is not easy.

This stuff is very hard!  And it's personal, our own personal stuff.

Has she asked you to lend her your computer?  Or is this an excuse to re-build the work?

She told me she was looking at buying one but they're really expensive. She wants a mac, I have one that she's used in the passed. Just thinking of giving her the option?

Until she personally asks to borrow your computer, I think I'd let this idea go.

What do you think?

What are you hoping to come of this in the long run?  Not short term relief, but long term?

She won't ask, but i can offer. I want her back, no point in my lying.

Do you feel that by offering her your computer that will help to get her back?

If so, what is your reasoning behind this?

And your motive behind that would be... . ?

That she will be so grateful and chooses to give you her undying love and from then on you will be living together happily ever after?

What if her response to that will be to take the computer you so generously offer her, but still won't give you what you want, but still keeps either ignoring you or playing with your feelings keeping you on your toes? What then?

Will you then offer her your car, your apartment, your clothes?

The truth is you can't make her do what you want her to, not now, not ever... . If she chooses to return, it will be because she wants to. Not because of anything you have said or done for her... .

It is some pretty harsh truths, but they are truths all the same... . And the faster you get onboard with that, the faster you will gain your life back, and with it also get out of the frustrating discomfort that you are experiencing right now... .

Phoebe123's advice are really good! It is your best bet to start feeling better, and it is also your best bet to ever get any possibility of attracting her to you again... .

Hang in there, and know that we do care!

Best Wishes

Scout99

I know, i'm my own worst enemy.

Surely if she is still contacting me, there must be something there?

Perhaps there is, perhaps not.  Perhaps her contacting you, just knowing that you're there and care is enough to fill the need of hers in the moment.

The thing is Eric, you won't know what she wants until and unless you give her the space to let you know.  Jumping to conclusions and offering things that haven't been directly asked for will not answer your questions.

Eric1 wrote


Not necessarily... . and especially not necessarily the "something" you want it to be... .

To her it is probably just like making sure she has you like an insurance, if all else fail... . And if all should fail to have someone to use to bounce back again to be able to pursue someone new... .

You have to begin to understand that her perception of relationships and love differs from yours due to her disorder. That is a fact that you can't love her out of... . Her perceptions on love won't change no matter what you do... .

In all honesty you will be much better off trying to gain your life back, and then finding a new girl who is just like you, not disordered, to shower with all your love... . Your return from that will be much much greater than what you can ever get with this girl... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

You're right. I've asked her the question, she hasn't replied. Theres very little i can do. I'll fight the temptation to call her and let it rest.

|iiii

The space we fill while 'fighting the temptation' is super important to our own personal growth.

Can you think of ways to fill that void?

I'm out with friends tonight. I have kinda been seeing another girl, but i've already told her that i'm not looking for anything & she understands the situation, which she is happy with. She wants to see me, but i can't tonight. Probably see her tomorrow for drinks.

I set myself targets... . Right, give her a call sunday to catch up from what happened over the weekend. Then when sunday comes, i'll say, wait till wednesday... . etc

I'm on a night out & she tried ringing, 8 times.  I answered the 9th, she was crying saying shes messed everything up.  I said to her, I know you've been seeing someone, she said yeah, but it's not right, I've messed everything up. The call ended because I was speaking to a friend. I tried calling back, she said she can't talk, she'll call me tomorrow.

What. The. F*ck.

I guess I'm just not following here, Eric... .

You said to her that you know she's been seeing someone.  Okay... .   What was your reasoning behind saying that?

Does she know that you've been seeing someone, too?

Nope, she doesn't. I assumed she was, so I told her my assumption.

She said she would call me tomorrow

I must say, I have a hard time too now following your reasoning... .

Firstly... . If your priority is, (which is what your threads mostly been about), to get your BPD gal back, pretty much no matter the cost or the toll it may have on you... . Why is it then you, while still in this very process begin to complicate things by starting to see yet another woman?

Second... . You have been pining for your BPD gal to call you and tell you that she misses what you had and that she wants you back... . Now when she finally does you do not welcome her and choose to show her your love - but instead you switch gear and give her a third degree about seeing another guy? Something that you in that case is just as "guilty" of... .

I have a hard time understanding here... .  is it the case of having and eating the cookie at the same time? Or are you just confused about what it is you really want... . I am not asking because I need any explanations from you... . It is your life, your choices, and that is important... . I am just giving my perspective, to help you reflect... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

I think you've misunderstood me. I spoke to her only briefly, and when I did speak to her i didn't berate or question her, I supported her because she was crying.  I said to her i know you've been seeing someone, which she agreed with then she said I've messed everything up. I couldn't carry on the Convo because my friend came over, so she said she would call me tomorrow.

I don't know what she will say when she rings. She sounded a little drunk. I've told the girl I've been 'seeing' the scenario, and she said she jus wants fun. So, who am I to grumble.

Eric, what is it that you're struggling to understand the most?  You sought out this website for a reason... .  

To be honest, I'm more concerned with what's behind your reasoning for doing some of things you do than anything pertaining to your ex.

Is it a case of wanting what you can't have?  Why would you wait until the 9th phone call to pick up? 

And do you plan on coming clean with the fact that you've been seeing someone else? 

I sense Eric's 'fun' girl is a rebound, distraction, something to fill time, kind of thing.

The not picking up the call till call 9 is something I've done in the past. It's conflicting feelings between head saying no & heart saying yes! You get more & more flustered & confused as the bombardment of calls gather pace & in the end you're so off balance you finally just answer with no idea how you're going to manage the call or what you're going to say. It's a whirlwind of conflicting thoughts & emotions.

You're on 'the back foot' so to speak & you make mistakes.

Hmm, interesting observation... .  I'd like to hear what Eric has to say, in his own words.

The phonecall took me by surprise. I didn't know what she was going to say & I was out with friends. I knew it was something serious because she tried calling repeatedly.

I only saw this other girl because my heart had just been ripped from my chest and I thought the best way to get over someone is to get under someone.

Whether she was drunk and regrets the call, I don't know. I won't really know until I speak to her today.

It's all caught me by surprise. I wasn't expecting it. What's she gonna do, finish with this ther guy and get back with me? Is she gonna say she was drunk and it was a mistake? I really don't know.

Could the same be said for you?  Could she be wondering the same thing?

What do YOU want?

In would get back with her. I'm not playing games or chasing her because I can't have her.

I'm worried that she will just tell me it was a mistake calling me, which really isn't fair on me.

Maybe she is going to "get under" the other guy until you figure out you... .


Best Wishes

Scout99

I'll wait till I speak to her.

About what exactly?

Have you read up on the Communication tools?  Checked out the Workshops?

I think it would be worth your while, Eric.  There's a lot of really good information available on the website if we choose to seek it out and apply it to our lives and situations... .

Good luck!

She said she would call me today.

If she does ask if I've been with anyone, should I be honest?

Is 'honesty' a value of yours?

Do you understand Values and Boundaries?

Please look at the Workshops section of this site... .

I'm honest.

Eric1

Huh, there is a lot in this thread!

Can you take some deep breaths?

Perhaps you may read your first post here on board again.

After that I agree with Phoebe, about the Links on the right, "Choosing a Path".

After all that, did she call today Eric?

Nope. I texted asking if she was alright, no reply.

I knew she was doing something with her friends today for we friends birthday, so whether she's preoccupied with that.

If I don't hear from her by lunch tomorrow, then I'll call her to find out what's going on.

Are you getting together for drinks with the new girl tonight?

Have you read the links on Choosing a Path?  Workshops?

Eric

I think she has you right where she wants you.  Miserable.  She is totally in control and she knows it.  Do you know about push/pull behavior?  This is a classic example.

Do not be surprised if she does not call or if when you call her, she acts like nothing happened to give you a reason to think she cares. 

I hope she is sincere, but it could just be a BPD game.  Guard your heart and listen to your gut on this one.

Eric,

just my thoughts on what's unfolding here.

If the 'other' girl seems genuine , be equally genuine with her. You're caught in 'the dance' with BPD ex. Don't become guilty of triangulating (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0) this other girl or dragging her into this toxic mess. It's not fair to her & I very much doubt she'd come out of it feeling anything other than used & hurt. I'm sure you're a decent fella, but it's easy to draw folks into the game & find yourself using them as pawns in your game of love!

If its all cards on the table now, make sure it stays that way man. Stay better than the bad folk

This jumped out at me.  :)id she call you crying about the new guy she messed everything up with?  Or was she referring to messing things up with you?  Or was it you that has messed everything up?

Oh, the drama... .

I've learnt not to wear my heart on my sleeve. I honestly don't know what she wants anymore. She hasn't called, she's just left me guessing.  If that was what she wanted, then it worked.

I'm going to call her tomorrow if she doesn't call me.

Don't! Don't feed her Eric!

Spoke to her. She said she tried calling me last night, but deleted my number on purpose so she couldn't. She said its selfish of he to call, but she misses me & I'm the only one that understands her. To cut a long story short, I said what does she want, she said she doesn't know. She said she has to go and think and get her head straight.

She was out with her friends last night.  She said her friends are devastated because they really like me. I don't know what to make of it all. I'm just gonna leave her alone to think. I said when we don't talk, each day gets easier and I slowly move on.  She said 'don't say that"

Women are mental.

She's only half of the problem. We're all a bit mental mate! 

Eric

I do not recall... . EXACTLY why did she leave?   Was there a reason or event that triggered her?  She seems to value her friends' opinions, but having said that how does SHE really feel?  Right now she may be mirroring what her friends think is right for her.

Remember YOU have options too where this relationship is concerned.

Well, she rang me this morning apologising for calling me as she said it was selfish. She just wants to be friends. I told her i can't do it, we can't have anymore contact.

It's really messed with my head. I feel like i'm back to square one.

BINGO!

That's what contact does, every time Eric!

You'll always come worse off & telling yourself any different is lying to yourself.

If you don't want to get bitten, don't play with crocodiles!

I've told her no more. No more contact at all.

Tell her whatever you like it won't change her trying. NC is up to you to hold in place!

It's for YOU, so YOU need to hold strong now mate. No whipped dog stuff & eventually she'll get the message.

She agreed that we need to delete each others numbers. I've deleted hers. Only problem is i know it off by heart 

Road to recovery starts again.

Eric

This is the way BPD works.  She was just checking to see if you still care before the final twist of the knife.  It makes it so much more pleasurable for her.

You did the right thing.  Now you must grieve, heal, and move on. You need  closure.

This all takes a lot of strength and in the end your life will be better for staying the course... . NC.

It will be quicker this time round because I was steadily moving on. I was stupid to try and make sense of what she was saying because I will never understand. I said to her, you say you want to be friends now, but can you honestly be comfortable knowing if I've been with someone. She said no, she hasn't thought about it and she's sorry.

For some reason, I think she will contact again.

Eric

I think you can count on hearing from her again.  That is where being strong needs to come in.  PwBPD do not take rejection well.  She will want what she cannot have. 

I'm staying strong this time. No looking back.

She won't feel rejected because I told her i still had feelings for her which is why we can't talk anymore.

Eric,

if you've told her you still have feelings for her, she WILL be back!

If you aint heard from her within 1 month I'll get a flight to the states & be your unpaid house keeper for a year!

You reckon? Even if we both said we need to remove each others numbers?

I feel a bit bad for her. She does seem unhappy and confused. She said I'm the only one that understands her & now I've told her i can't talk to her anymore. She has a good group of friends etc I suppose I need to worry about me.

I'm in the uk mate.

Oh!

Well if I'm wrong That'll save me some money then!

But believe me fella, I'm not wrong!

This thread is reaching slowly the 4 page limit... .

Eric, are you familiar with codependency? Many of us are very supportive and we are not so good in taking care for ourselves.

This workshop could be helpful: Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0).

Moonie, in a way I do hope you'll be right and she will contact. But, it's best she doesn't for the long run. I've wished her good luck in her interview for next week, so there really is no need for me to contact now.

Surnia, I thought I was co-dependant when we first broke up. I don't think I am tho. I'm comfortable being single and quite content being in my own company. I just still love her.

*mod*

This thread has reached the page limit and is now locked.  Feel free to pick one of the topics from the thread to start a new one.