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My dBPDexgf and I broke up about 8 months ago and there has been no communication from either side over the past two months. I still miss her a lot and have times were I feel depressed. At the same time, however, I try to determine what are my own issues, why I felt so deeply attracted to her, what are the similarities with other relationships I had prior to her, what are the red flags I ignored. Below are some of the things I relaized lately:

Almost each and every girlfriend I have dated to date had personal issues and what would move my heart was when I saw them vulnerable and sad. I told myself that I would be the one who would save them from the injustice in their lifes.

I remember perfectly that my initial impressions about my dBPDexgf was that she was just a very immature not really attractive girl. But all of I sudden -- we were working at the same place at the time -- I saw her as an extremely vulnerable person and at the same time with the strength to combat her weaknesses and I fell for that. Idealization came immediately thereafter and I saw a beautiful young lady needing to be rescued.

There were several crisis in our relationship. When she would rage, I would tell myself that I did not want to endure this any longer and that I needed to leave. But each time, immediately after she stopped raging, she would look extremely sad, tell me about the pain she was feeling ... . and I was back to soothe her, promising that I would change and not hurt her anymore.

When she was ok, or even more when she was feeling like she was the best, I would see again the immature not very attractive young girl and tell me I do not love her. Then she would again appear sad and depressed and I would fell for that.

Some of the redflags I have ignored (although I perceived them at the time):

Rages

Telling me "love means nothing"

Writing to me on Christmas "Remember that Christmas is a celebration for children and I am a child"

Raging because the bus / train left immediately before she arrived at the station

Raging because the waiter was not good / fast enough

Telling me "I cannot be alone"

Telling me "life is too long and I wish it could end soon"

Telling me that she felt "empty"

Ending all texts with "I love you... . " (I never understood why she would add the "... . "

Being on antidepressant

Being mad at me not responding to calls or texts

Telling me that she has been in T since the age of 12

Telling me about her eating disorder (bulimia)

Telling me that her father had "abandonned" her when she was a child

Telling me that I was way to kind with my kids and that her mother used to be very hard with her

Blaming me each time I would pity her

Blaming me because I did not buy her flowers or because I bought the wrong flowers

I could go on... . I think that I perceived most of these redflags but either did not know what they meant or decided to ignore them. I really thought that she would get better with me, that love and a nice r/s would heel her. I have now understood that I can do nothing about this and that only she can do something about it. I have also come to realize that almost each and every women I have dated to date had similarities with my mother. My mother used to heavily criticize my father; was sad; was depressed; used to make me and my siblings feel responsible for her sadness. Was not affectionate, would not take care of us, we really felt like burdens.

We have to look at our childhood and how our parents were. My mother was abusive and my father just stood here (codependent probably). I think this all gave me a fundamentally flawed representation of what love is. For me, love and relationships are about guilt, needs, anger, etc.

I now know that what attracted me to my past relationships was not love. It was need. It was like a drug. They all were sad like my mother but I would help her and they would love me, I would improve myself and they would provide affection.

Hi Blaise...

My exBPDbf was of the BPD waif variety, so a bit different in that he didn't rage etc. I didn't see a LOT of red flags in the beginning of my relationship but there were some that I saw and ignored, justified, or confronted and let go:

-constant commenting on photos pf women on FB referring to them as beautiful, sexy, etc

-in a relationship with me but answering questions on facebook that would ask things like "Singles, what do you think of _____?" etc

-Telling me he loved me before he even met me in person

-Telling me he used to get in a lot of fights and was very angry in the past (I never saw him rage but knowing this, I guess he has the potential)

-Idolizing his mother but told me of a few things that to me sounded disrespectful of her (again, in his past)

-Hitting himself in the face and calling himself stupid if he forgot something

-Crying uncontrollably, clinging, and begging the first time I tried to break up with him

-Constantly telling me I was crazy (this was usually following my reactions of anger, dismay etc to finding out he was cheating or having emotional affairs with other women). After awhile he just called me crazy all the time for everything... . it became like a mantra

-Told me he didn't care what other people thought of him, but would bend over backwards for anyone even when he didn't want to do what they were asking and had the option to say no, and if he did say no on the rare occasion, angst about them being mad at him

-Constant lying

-Would get caught lying or cheating and almost immediately after convincing me to give him another chance would go right back to what he was doing... . almost like a lack of conscience, or lack of caring for how I felt at all

I agree with you 100% about repeating patterns of what we saw in childhood. My father was BPD but disagnosed as bipolar. He was constantly abusive physically or emotionally and terrorized our family. My mom stayed with him 25 years, tried to get him to get help, therapy etc... . tried to be the good wife. There was a lot of conflict.

My first bf of 8 years (right out of highschool) was either NPD or BPD. I'm guessing leaning more towards BPD. He raged too but never at me... . always at his family. He never moved out of his parents house in that whole 8 years. I lived with them for awhile too. It was extremely dysfunctional... . his mom would freak out over anything. The whole family was constantly in conflict. My bf and I got kicked out regularly once every 1-2 weeks and then begged to come back (they needed him to help run the family business). He lied compulsively, he stole, he was in constant trouble with the law before he met me (the police in town new him on sight). Eventually when he was 28 he cheated on me with a 16 year old and I was done. Shortly thereafter he knocked up a 17 year old and married her. She sounds like she has major NPD/BPD issues herself (his sister told me all about her) which would probably explain why they are still together and have 4 kids... . and why he had a heart attack at 38 years of age!

Every boyfriend between the first and this last one had some kind of issues with cheating, committing, etc... . and most had either BPD or NPD qualities, with the exception of one who was just terrified of commitment (but he never let on like he wasn't).

It's amazing how our minds somehow automatically attract and become attracted to certain people. It's like we have a radar for it. I saw my (last) guy on a dating website online... . immediately I felt some kind of draw towards him, messaged him, and the rest is history. I really wish I knew how to break the destructive patterns of the relationships I tend to choose.