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Title: It's like my head knows to go but my heart is.. afraid Post by: Holliday on August 16, 2013, 10:52:19 AM What is resonating with me today is that I need to take ownership of my own low self esteem. What I came up with is: I get intoxicated on the high I feel when my dBPDbf uses all these extreme measures my to show me his ‘love' and adoration. The constant calls, the I love You my soul mate, over and over... I'm learning here that sure I'm a good person, but I'm not THAT special. That this 'love' is distorted and unhealthy. This love is entrapment because I am the enabler... I can easily be replaced and the next person will get the same ‘love’. That hurts! I thought this was my future husband...
Enter: real boundaries. I started doing what the books and this site are telling me to do. I stopped reacting when the rage and the complaining and the learned helplessness and the picking on me kicked in. I WILL stop paying the bill (had one last mistake this week). I get out of his way. Validate, empathize but no longer fix the problem... I am not the cure and I tell him this. So today I feel more like a counsellor and support worker than a gf in love. He doesn’t like these changes one bit. Now the books he so feverishly wanted me to find answers in so that I can ‘help us’ cope with his dBPD are "wrong". Now I'm supposed to NOT believe everything I read, and how dare I look to outside help. That the problem is actually me listening to people with experience; or me hanging onto my past traumas because: he slept with someone else, he stopped being honest, he relapsed, he can’t handle money, or adapt to change... because, because, because... I do not want this for my future, I can’t fathom having children in this... I feel like I’m drowning but I’m still so fearful of the ‘I need space’ or 'It's over' rage and behaviours that will ensue... again... on break up #4... Title: Re: It's like my head knows to go but my heart is.. afraid Post by: maxsterling on August 16, 2013, 01:12:29 PM I can certainly relate to your feelings. I feel like I am on the fence about being on the fence. I know that despite what my brain tells me about what I should do, I know my heart will ache severely if this relationship ends. But my brain tells me I am not happy now and it needs to end soon. Earlier this week I was all set to try new techniques to make this work, and decided I wanted to stay in this relationship. But after a few days of thinking and a few days of friend and therapists talking to me, and I realized a few things:
- The life I have now is not what I want, and I would feel responsible ever bringing a child into it. - I don't have much faith she will ever stabilize enough to truly recognize how her behaviors are hurtful, and there are no excuses for those behaviors. - many of the techniques described to deal with pwBPD I already do, and I still feel like I am drowning. The techniques are not enough - there has to be some change in her or I will lose it. Also - many of these techniques often make the episodes worse. So I certainly relate to what you are going through. I can't give you advice on what to do - but I certainly wish you the strength to do what is best for you. Title: Re: It's like my head knows to go but my heart is.. afraid Post by: frustrated b/f on August 16, 2013, 01:25:39 PM Great analysis! My leaving has been reduced to two basic terms; (1) This NOT what I signed up for and (2) my needs are not being met.
We don't have any children, shared expenses, bank accounts, living arrangements, or even a Netflix account together, so I cannot justify any reason to stay and work it out beyond financial help she's given me in the past, but honestly, I'd rather just reimburse her than be subjected to a failed relationship because of financial servitude. |