BPDFamily.com

I did not know where to post this question but I thought the people on this board would have the best advice for me.

My relationship with my BPDgf is over.  It has been a hard road but I know it is for the best.  I do still love and care about her very much but am learning to detach and heal as best I can.  My concern is not for me but for my exBPDgf and her son.

My exgf and I each have kids, they are best friends and are in the same class at school.  She is technically un diagnosed but her T tells me she has BPD but has not officially diagnosed her for fears that she may stop therapy.  I also see BPD traits in her son.  He can be difficult and she really struggles with their relationship.  I, to maintain the kids friendship, am in contact with her ex husband.  She utterly hates him and goes way out of her way to make his life miserable, very vengeful.  I would like to pass off the information I have learned on these boards and what I have learned about BPD to the ex husband.  I know better than to tell him that she has a mental illness because one it is not my place, and two he may use it against her.  I care a great deal for her son and do not want him to turn out like his mother.  The ex husband is also very worried.  Can anyone give me a suggestion as to how to give the ex husband advice or literature on dealing with BPD without reveling the illness to him so that he may better deal with his ex wife and help his son to not acquire this illness.  He did call me yesterday asking for my help.

I figure that those on the staying board may have the best answers but if there is a better board for this question please redirect me.

Have you considered suggesting that he see her therapist for advice on how to help his son?

I never thought of that, I thought it may not be appropriate.  I am going to see her T next week and will bring it up.

If you and he have some trust and mutual respect - if you can trust him to take everything you tell him as you intend it, and maybe you can say, "Please use this information carefully so there isn't any blowback that might affect me or the kids" - I would probably go there.

Make sure you say what you know, not what you think.  For example, you might say, "I told my therapist about some things Ex did, and my therapist suggested I read some stuff about BPD, and that seems to fit very well.  When I learned about BPD and how to deal with someone who has it, I was able to use those ideas with Ex, and it helped a lot.  You might want to look into that too."

Each of these statements is (I think) factual - your therapist suggested you learn about BPD, and you recognized stuff in the BPD material as being similar to Ex's behavior, etc.  (Or if I got something wrong, of course you'll want to say your own truth.)

This has some risk but if you discuss it with him carefully and ask him to commit to handle the information wisely maybe not too much.

I would be super-careful about suggesting that his son may have BPD.  First of all, it's not usually diagnosed in kids - their personalities are still developing so usually personality disorders aren't diagnosed until 18 or so.  Also, some behaviors which would be a sign of trouble in an adult - like my ex used to throw huge fits like a six-year-old - in a child they might be pretty normal.  Finally, these behaviors can be learned by example - the child may see your Ex doing stuff and then do that same stuff - and they can probably be un-learned too.  So they may not be signs of BPD or any other big problem.

Let me give you an example.  We were in our late 30s when we got married, and over those 10 years my wife threw dozens or hundreds of huge, extended fits, like a small child - very unusual behavior.  Other BPDish behaviors too.  :)uring our divorce, she was diagnosed with BPD.  About that time, my adult stepson came to live with me - he was in his mid-20s and had finished six months in rehab after many years of drinking and drugs.  He threw big fits just like her - much worse than my younger kids - 8 and 10 at the time.

So I had a very frank talk with him:  "That fit you threw today was the last one you're going to throw in this house.  If it happens again, pack your bags and find somewhere else to live."  To his great credit, he said "OK" and he meant it - he worked on it with his AA sponsor and other mentors, and pulled himself up by his bootstraps, and got his behavior under control - that was his last fit.  Which convinced me that - while he certainly had other problems and continued to struggle with drinking - he did not have BPD, or he wouldn't have been able to fix that behiavor so quickly.

He had learned that behavior - he was raised by his mom - so it seemed normal to him, until I pointed it out and set a boundary.

Younger kids will take much more patience - they won't be able to fix their behavior right away.  But I would not assume or even suggest that a child has BPD or any other personality disorder just because they behave badly, especially if he has been exposed to someone with BPD all his life.  It may be learned behavior which can be un-learned (thought it may take a lot of time and guidance from his dad).

My partner is not officially diagnosed, but his Ts have said to me that he is, he himself isn't that interested in the label, but is committed to the therapy, I worry for our D4 too. I asked over on the  Supporting a Son/Daughter Board for some tips a while ago, for dealing with my D4, in case she has BPD tendencies (inherited or learnt), a great book was recommended to me:

Parenting a Child who has Intense Emotions: DBT Skills to help your child regulate emotional outbursts and aggressive behaviors by P Harvey ad J A Penzo

It doesn't mention BPD but it reads like it treats it. This may be a good book to pass on to your ex or her exH?

Love Blazing Star

I love this book. If you are having a talk with the Dad along Matt's suggestions then I think just handing it to the Dad and saying there is some great stuff in there  for his kid would be a start. I actually learned a lot about dealing with the adult people with BPD in my life from this book as well. :) 

That being said, my DH doesn't read parenting or self help books. I just give him the 'reader's digest' version.

Also, everyone is on a different path and I have to watch my codependent 'wanting to fix things' gene. Maybe what you are trying to do falls under codependent helping -- and you should be ready for the Dad to only be able to use and absorb what he can.

You sound like a good friend and caring Dad.

mamachelle

Her son may have extreme behaviors too just because he's been in close proximity to his mother.  Around here we call those behaviors and reactions BPD fleas. my-issues   Hopefully in time and with significant exposure to good behaviors, perceptions and thinking he will learn better patterns.

Likely her ex will have that typical AHA! moment where he finally has the pieces of the puzzle and wants to shout them out from the rooftops and in court - as though the professionals they dealt with during their divorce didn't have a clue.  While that may have been the case, he needs to also be aware that courts don't deal much with a diagnosis - especially not when coming from someone who as, as they see it, playing doctor - they deal with what is.  While enlightening to know what we're dealing with, courts instead generally deal with the behaviors and behavior patterns.  Too, they seldom try to change the one misbehaving, they usually deal with them as they are.  While sometimes a parent is sent to Anger Management or Parenting classes, that's generally all that happens.

For poor behaviors you try to see if better and more skilled communication will help.  Coping skills help too as well as accepting what IS.  If that fails then you have court options such as seeking more parenting time, seeking custody, filing motions for Contempt of Court asking for sanctions or other consequences.