BPDFamily.com

Somewhere down along the grapevine, we sometimes end up hearing how our BPD exs turn out with their new victims.

I know I'm not suppose to be hooked on what she's doing but it kills me that she has gone on vacation with her new boyfriend, does things with him that she has never down with me and it makes me feel angry, jealous. Frustrated, sad, a wide range of negative emotions.

Anyone on here experienced a BPDex who actually got better with their new relationship?

Are they ever better with the next person?

My BPDex knows she has issues but does not seek help.

I guess telling myself "she's not going to be better with guy" will help me detach. Detach in the way that I won't be thinking about her and what she is doing/feeling with her new guy.

Iamdizzy, have you ever heard the saying "Wherever you go, there you are"?

That pretty much describes everyone.  We might experience different events with someone, try new activities etc... .  Who we are on the inside though... .  our behavior and personality (quirks) pretty much stay the same, until and unless we decide to change ourselves.  It's hard to change ourselves!

Multiply that by, I don't know... . A LOT and apply it to a personality disordered individual... .  It's going to take YEARS to see significant change and it will only come if the individual truly wants to do the hard work of changing themselves.

So, knowing your ex, what do think the likelihood of that happening is?  Then multiply that by A LOT   

It's self abuse but ill indulge with you. I read here in this forum that given the right supportive surroundings that they actually can be better people. That's not to say the behavior will be any different. More the way that is handled by those close. If we really truly love them, we want them to get better. Sure is an ego buster if they actually do. Doesn't mean your a bad person. Just means you weren't right for one another. You already know that. BPD is a serious condition. I would not want the suffering that they have for themselves. I will point out that it takes an enormous amount of strength to support someone who appears without conscience,morals,or anything in the socially acceptable range of human behavior. It's how we perceive them when we become intimate with them and no one sees the absolute disgust unless they do become intimate with them.

There was a definite 'Honey-moon' period between myself and my (at the time undiagnosed) but now diagnosed BPDH.  It lasted months.  I look back on it now and remember that there were very few traits that my husband portrayed at the time.  Then the cracks started to appear and the honeymoon was over. 

There were times that I wondered why all of his ex-girlfriends had 'apparently' treated him so badly and now he tells me that with diagnosis and therapy, he can now recognize, that he did have BPD traits throughout most of his life and that his black and white thinking resulted in him believing that he was always the victim.

since my break up is so fresh I cant say she will get better or wont. But i can tell you what i have pieced togther prior to me. And from what I can tell it was about the same. She used to tell me she never had to argue with someone as much as me, never had anyone as jealous as me, blah blah. But this is a direct contridiction from what she has told me out of her own mouth.

Husband #1, very nice guy ive met him they had a child together. She told me she cheated on him 4 times 2 twice while dating and twice while married. Said he wouldnt do anything to help her with the house work. Threaten to divorce him everytiime he didnt do what she wanted him to do. what I could tell he was the type that just tried to just make her happy and it never worked. he finally threw in the towel and walked away. he has never been in a relationship since. I figured she ruined him so bad he never wants another one. If it like it was with  me he couldnt do anything right an dhe finally just quit and then she hit him with he never helped her with anything around the house. I experienced that on a first hand, I washed dishes, took out garbage, swept floors, folded clothes, cooked. I never could do anything right accoridng to her standards. I stopped, then she said I all i did was sit on my butt, I never helped her.

husband #2 never met him. said he was so jealous of her that they couldnt even go out in public togther. he was an alcoholic and later became a drug addict and is currentley on his way to prison. He slapped her, pushed her around, cheated on her and kept them in debit. they both had to file restraining orders against each other in the end. imagine that.

boyfriend in between, she said he was the "one" she would have married him after 6 months of dating. But then the story later changed to he was to jealous of her and he had a violent temper because he took her phone away and broke it. Why he do that? because she was calling ex husband number two while at boyfriend number two house. The poor guy had to put up with being harrassed by the crazy ex husband and then they have an argument and she calls the second ex husband to come and get her. Thats when boyfreind has all he can stand takes her phone away and breaks it.

boyfriend before me. according to her had a violent temper, was extremley jealous person. didnt trust her. Of course she told me how she dated another man behind his back and lied to him about taking a family trip but instead went to a big 3 day party to meet another man. and spent the 3 days with the other guy.

so I can see the pattern. She lied to my once about taking a family trip and found out she went to meet boyfriend before me. Lied to me about working late and found out she was at a bar getting drunk and came home with some other man calling her number. before confronting her I did some research and had all my informtion she stilled tried to keep lying to me about it. But get this when I confronted her with the lies she told me and proof she was lying it was my fault because she couldnt tell me he truth. But I guess she was right how could she tell me she was going to meet an ex for a weekend or go out get drunk and give out her number to new men. So i guess she couldnt tell me. told me the whole time she was terrfied of ex husband number 2 and never wanted to see him again. was scared to death of him. But what does she do. while at my house one night we was standing and talking about whatever and she drinking real heavy. She texts ex husband number 2. I asked her why she did that and she tells me she want me to " tell him off for how he treated her and her child" this all happened about 5 years before me. The person has never caused us a minute of problems while we were togther as far as I know she hadnt heard nothing from him in about two years. I tell her it not my problem. When he calls she blast him out for harrassing her. He tried to explain that she texted him and she tells him she only didnt that to tell him he better stay way from her. as far as I know he was never bothered her. Sounds like trigulation to me. So I cant say it wont change with new partner but I cnat really believe it will since everything she has said and did to all her exs was the same thing she did to me.

So the pattern I see is she has a habit of telling lies, possible cheating in all relationship, all men she dated were jealous of her (hmmm) so if history repeats itself im sure it wont change with my replacement. It took about 3 months before it started to show in our relationship. Oh there was plenty of red flags but because I was just coming out of a divorce I didnt see them. she convinced me it was all me. The only thing diffrent will be I will be the villian in the story this time that she will try to use me to trigulate with.

This is one of the most frequent topics on this board. It seems that everyone asks this same question when they first come here. The answer is that 99.99999999999999% of the time they don't. The only way things will ever get better for a person with BPD is if they enter the right kind of therapy, really work at it, and stick with it for a number of years.

It took 8 months for my ex and I to have our first argument. It took a year and a half before she had a major blow up at me. Granted, her condition has worsened over the years, but it only took six weeks for her to have a major blow out with my replacement. She has been with him for almost three months now and she has had at least two major fights with him.

Exactly, Highlander.  :)o you not all recall the "idealization" phase of your BPD       relationship?  Well, that is where she is with her new bf.

Do you think it will last?  Probably not. PwBPD are pretty much controlled by the disorder.  Intense therapy such as DBT can improve their reactions, but the majority of time, that job belongs to those around them.

Bpd is a brain disorder.  It can be improved upon to some degree (with LOTS of commitment on the part of those afflicted), but it is not going away.  It is what it is.

I think it's just a matter of time before their BPD traits will surface. My stbx BPDh only really started acting out when we got married, looking back there were a few signs, the jealousy throwing my past up in my face which really wasn't as colourful as he made out. He was married 19yrs b4 we got 2gether his ex wife has issues. So he's told me! I'd really love to speak with her cos I don't reckon this behaviour is new to me.

From what I've experienced they reel u in first, honeymoon period comes first then bam you're in a state of confusion and see-sawing from arguments accusations name calling with no sorry. And you carry on keep the peace find an excuse for the behaviour, back to bliss til the next time.

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves)

BPD was there before you came along, BPD will be there after - not your fault.

my ex has is the same mees she was when with me. she has new b/f doning all the things she dosent want to. has been drinking hard for months had many fights witth new guy locked herself in bedroom and bath room during her breaks downs lost her drivers license had to get on food stamps has a mental heath case worker that comes and checks on here every week makes sure her pill count is right.

spent the last month traingling me and the other guy and her ex husband im sure.

BPD dosent just go away i see that now, i already know whats coming to her and new guy. hes seen hell this summer and still thinking he can help her |iiii good luck buddy

Ok that makes sense now. At the beginning of my sick relationship she told me she had a boyfriend that was in the army and we would have to take a break for two weeks at Christmas... . I really thought she was kidding... She wasn't. An attempt to make me want her more? So strange. She seemed to be single when I met her. She pulled the exact same crap on my replacement. Now I get it.

I think they may 'act' better for a while in their new relationships... . a Short while, they get to start over, start afresh, put all those bad arguments in the past,  they think/pretend the answer to all their problems now lies in the hands of the new Mr./Ms. X.  Truly though the reality of the mental illness rears its ugly head once the 'Honeymoon' stage is over and this new person is discovered to actually be just, well average at best.  The only reason they are with another person in all honesty is because of one thing, they are New, thats it.  The new person hasn't made the mistake of caring about/loving them yet, and when/if they do, thats when the crap will hit the fan. 

Looking back on the my past relationship when my exBPD was totally blowing my ego way past the moon I said a few times that "I'm not that good", ' I'm not that smart, I'm not that great at etc, etc", constantly pumping me up with compliments and admiration very early on in the relationship.   I was thinking to myself that she's either been mistreated very bad or just had a lousy past relationship,  I seriously doubt now looking back that neither of those was the case at all.   If I had one clue about BPD or mental illness I would have walked away on that Red Flag alone. 

She will do all these great things with the new guy. That's the stuff the guy does and she's latched on to him for the honeymoon period.

My BPD didn't quite like the area I like to frequent for cafes, restaurants, bookshops etc as it was too downmarket (think university students, hippies, yuppies, ferals, punks, alternatives, artistic types, geeks... . a real melting pot) but never said no to a night out and this area became our hangout.

I doubt I will ever see her there again as the new guy will have his own hangout as BPDs have no real identity of their own. Mine always bragged that she has "always been in a relationship". In our final weeks I suggested she stand on her own two feet to find herself. Instead she found herself a replacement guy who will do what she wants (initially).

So don't worry about her doing all these great things with the new guy. It's just what they do as they flaunt their new love to the world, both in person and via Facebook. They make it look better than it seems.

Heee-he-he... . that was me laughing because I'm counting days. So, if he has been with this woman now 3 months, I expect at this time he has had his first melt-down, has abandoned her for the first time, has begged and cried for the first time... . When they have been together two weeks he has told her he loves her and she is like no other woman. And after that, woman has been hearing more and more about her faults, and every day the amount increases.

I don't actually know if he has a new woman in his life, but I believe he has. It is not fact, I just have this feeling. And I have no doubt nothing has changed for him. He just hopes this woman is the one who "loves him unconditionally" and is able to take non-stop abuse.

I know this is the most banal question on here. Some, of us on here wonder if they will be better because of the injustice done to us. Let me give you hell but then let me be great with the next person . In my case, it helps me to move forward knowing she will not be better with the next guy. I guess because I put the brakes on dating or being with a person after the one night stand I had after her, until I'm ready meanwhile she's out being extremely intimate with random guys, getting drunk, partying, having sex with several guys all while splitting me black. It would just destroy me that her new boyfriend "just gets her and stick through thick and thin with her" In her words "I need someone who's going to be with me during my worst, I need to know you're going to be there, NO MATTER WHAT."

I know we are not good for her and I understand I trigger her fears of abandonment one way or another but damn must she? Would she be better with the new guy? While I'm here feeling like the. I guess life's a bitxh and I have to "man" up.

Iamdizzy

Stop beating yourself up.  I suspect you do not really know what she is doing, perhaps you are just "assuming" things.

Your ex has a mental illness.  Her perspectives are not those of a stable person.  If she is tormenting you so badly now, just imagine what a lifetime of the same behavior would be like.  Do you really want that?  Things do not get better.  PwBPD recycle through the same patterns over and over.  Why would you want to do that to yourself?  It is not healthy.  She will make you as sick as she is. You deserve better.

Give it some time.  Once you are done grieving, you will begin to heal.  Once you heal, you will move on with your life.  Happiness is all around but you will never see it until you find the strength and courage to let her go.

The reason was not for me was not injustice - it was because I blamed myself for his behaviour, the demise of the relationship and thought it was my fault he devalued me - that I deserved it.

When I worked solidly on my self sort - which has suffered by the way long before he came along - I no longer blamed myself for his behaviour - its his to own. I know beyond reasonable doubt that he will like that with the next person - because - I no longer blame myself.

Work on your self worth |iiii

No i have not.  I have heard of them doing the same thing to.the next one they did to me and probably to those before me also

Thank you all for your replies. It's just so frustrating, my non exes would have a better relationship with the next guy and it wouldn't bother me at all. I'd look them and say aww good for her I'm happy, you live and learn. I too had better relationships and they would exchange the same sentiments about my relationship.

In This case however, I feel so juvenile. I'm acting like a little kid saying "that's not fair!" And it keeps me  mentally trapped. I'm assuming things but she does make small talk here and there with my family on social platforms, although they were never close whatsoever. My family then just randomly tells me things despite the "I don't speak about her".

I know for a fact that these behaviors are DEEPLY rooted within her psyche, I was not the cause of it but I may have triggered it. I know I wasn't the demonic entity nor the god she made me out to be me I understand it. I understand a few months or a year or even two years or whatever long they wait, they won't seek help. Even with therapy, dbt, and a good support group in my opinion will only quell the rages.  She gets triggered easily.

I guess this is a childish viewpoint but because I suffered (due to staying so I have part in it) because of her behavior and words deeply hurt me, I would be shocked to see that she is truly happy and this guy can miraculously quell any of her rages and she is not triggered anymore. could such human exist?

"I would be shocked to see that she is truly happy and this guy can miraculously quell any of her rages and she is not triggered anymore. could such human exist?"



No such human exists. You have to remember that the problem lies within the way the person with BPD's brain is wired. Changing the partner, something that is external, will not change the internal make up of a sick person's brain. Go to the staying board and read the stories there. Even if the pwBPD is in DBT therapy and their partner is using all the proper tools to help them cope, the internal problems still surface as bad behaviors. You also have to remember that for most people with BPD there are two opposing ways that they can be triggered, fear of abandonment and engulfment.

papawapa,

I'm 90% certain that no human like that exists unless they are severely masochist and have a negative value in their self esteem and because of that, are willing to put up with anything the pwBPD throws at them.

But there is always that   what if?

What if this is her childhood best guyfriend who "just gets her"?

I know this is an internal matter and no matter how many guys she has lined up it won't make the internal hardwiring different. She has had many chances to be in a healthy relationship with good guys, i'm on of them. I just hate that what if?

I just want to think that she won't be better with the next guy, until I move on from the grieving stage into the acceptance stage. It's crazy really, I've read so much and I go against what I know to be true and because of that I still ask these questions.

If you don't want to hear about your ex through your family members, have you communicated that desire plainly and directly to them? I've noticed this was one of my own problems where unspoken rules between people are often assumed instead of explicitly spelled out. Now I state exactly what I want and expect, and I usually repeat it and ask if I am understood often by asking the other party to explain what I said back to me. It might sound mean or petty, but it makes a huge difference.

You might be a trigger for your ex, but do you think did anything wrong to become that? Isn't it her mind that determines what triggers her, not you not some mysterious external force? If your ex changes her behaviors, isn't that something that she chooses to do, not some magical spell cast by the new guy? If you look at yourself rationally, you are probably much more compassionate and caring than many other guys, so do you really think the new guy is going to be any more compassionate and caring than you were?

Isn't this worry about whether our exes will be "better" with the new partner more about our own self-esteem issues? I know that I feel like a failure for not being able to "save" my BPDex, but I now realize that was never an option within my abilities to begin with. It still hurts bad, but I truly hope my ex finds healing and can be happy with the next guy. If I didn't believe that, then I would be giving up on myself and giving up on being the caring compassionate person I choose to be.

1) Those jealous feelings of the next guy and thinking that they will hold the key to your ex's happiness -- those feelings will pass in time. I was the same way, still am to a degree, but after my breakup six weeks ago I think less about my ex's next SO. I can't let that waste my mental and emotional energy because it's not my business and thinking about it keeps this toxic guy in my system.

2) Like another poster on this thread said, read the "staying" stories where working through the BPD is draining. Or read other accounts of BPD breakups where the SO did whatever they could for years to accommodate their pwBPD and the pwBPD still left, sometimes after years of marriage and kids. There's no magic person out there to heal pwBPD.

Or maybe someone comes along when the time is right for the pwBPD. If that person is not you, it's out of your control.

Sometimes I think about what I did "wrong" to drive away my BPD person. I have one particular thing in mind that I feel if I changed they would still be with me. Then I read another person's story of their pwBPD leaving under whatever circumstance and I think, no, actually, no matter what I changed for my exbf it would still be 50/50 (or greater) chance I'd lose him eventually.

The answer to this particular question the way you put it here is a: NO! I am 100% sure of that. Not 99,5% but 100% sure! :) There is no other human that can influence her in a way that she just stops showing signs of her disorder or doesn't get triggered. That is magical thinking... .

However getting the answer to that won't likely ease your pain or worry much anyway, right... . ?

Since that will just make us modify the question to the more painful area of what if someone can make it for longer than I did and perhaps make it last, (no matter how bad), for life... . ?

We have all been there... . Comparing ourselves with the new guy or the new gal, and wallow in that pit of self punishment... . for as long as it takes to let go of the source of all these thoughts - our feelings for our lost loved ones... .

As long as we stay in the "what if" zone, we are not letting go... . Not in any real sense anyway... . But eventually we get tired of being there, or we seek therapy and we start the gruesome work of tearing down the old and re building the new... .

I wish I could say there is a short cut here somewhere... . But there isn't... .

Falling in love with someone else or have a rebound thing might help soothe the feelings a bit temporarily, but in the long run you just postpone the inevitable... . The tearing down the old and re building the new eventually has to be done anyway... . And the sooner you do that, the less work that will be... . The longer you postpone the renovation of an old house the greater is the risk of you having to tear the whole thing down and build a whole new house. And that is way harder... . That is just as hard as it is for a pw BPD to work themselves out of their disorder... .

So hang in there Iamdizzy! What you are going through is normal after experiencing a not so very normal relationship... .   |iiii

Best Wishes

Scout99

I believe this is a topic that we ALL have thought about to different degrees. I used to wonder too. I used to think of the things I might have done wrong. But in all honesty after soul searching,  I believe a lot of those feelings stemmed from self doubt after being discarded. It plays with your sense of self and your true worth. You try to angle it from every which way. But in the end, if you truly gave all that you could and in a manner that was sincere... . you have to eventually come to a point where you realize that you're dealing with an unfortunate disordered person.

I told my ex the other day that I'm tired of living in his imaginary world where he pretends like he's done nothing wrong. I told him that he's taken that huge chunk of time where he blasted me and did/said horrific things to me and swept it somewhere to never be dealt with. And he acts like we can have a friendship with the premise of me sweeping it away as easily as him. I've tried to. And each time he runs to me for comfort but yet has someone else on the side is too difficult for me. I told him the missing element here is his inability of accountability for his actions and the way he has no REMORSE for what he's done. He may have guilt,  as he so often says, but the realm of guilt still focuses on himself and how HE feels for his mistakes. It doesn't go beyond that to where he actually thinks outside of his emotions about himself. He doesn't have remorse where he thinks about the hurt I'M going thru because of his behavior. Guilt says "I feel bad about myself. I feel ashamed and judged.". Remorse says, "I feel bad about my behavior and I'm hurt because I hurt you. What can I do to fix it?". Guilt is inactive while remorse is active.

I sat there for twenty minutes and told him all that I kept inside and he tried a couple times to utter a few words to defend himself like he always does. But I told him it was MY turn to talk and he went silent and sat. I was amazed because he normally would hang up or start yelling. But he sat there and listened to me tell him that the stronghold his fears, guilt, and shame had on him was more important in the end. I had said that he complained of how his ex treated him unfairly and made him feel not desired and unappreciated. I told him he was treating me the exact same way. I told him I felt he was manipulating me because if he truly respected my feelings and boundaries like hes been saying, he wouldn't be STILL treating me like I'm an option and just someone to ease the negative feelings he has about himself. I told him he knows I care for him and I have feelings for him but that I don't NEED him. I said that I thought I saw something good in him but I don't know anymore because someone who truly respects and cares for someone would realize how much they hurt them and would want to fix it and NOT ignore it. I said that he was so focused on himself that he couldn't possibly begin to put himself in MY shoes. I told him to take a deep look in the mirror and see what kind of person he is and how hes treated everyone who treated him with love and respect. Look at how everything is never his fault and how he wants people to show him love but yet he doesnt reciprocate. I told him I don't know how to act around him because I feel like I don't Trust him anymore... . can't Trust someone who pretends like he's the ONLY one who's been hurt and who's hurting. I told him that I didn't know if I wanted to talk to him anymore or how I would be towards him. Silence... . I told him good bye and hung up.

I'm not sure what he was thinking. I'm not even sure anything was processed properly in his brain. I mean, he was present because he tried to interrupt a few times.  Crap, i dont even know if he was listening and looked to see if he was still on the line. Lol. But I got so frustrated with him and myself. The conversations began because I was in the middle of telling him something important about MYSELF and suddenly he made my situation about him and all his frustrations about his woes. I felt annoyed because I thought to myself, I barely share my stresses with him and when I do it usually means it's important to me. But yet again, HIS problems and his feelings were more important. He said his situation was worse than mine and THEN proceeded to direct his anger at ME. Then he took the forum and then said he needed to go. Seriously?  You call me because you say you're concerned about my situation, listen for a bit without me even getting halfway thru, then make it about yourself, and then want to abandon the conversations because you made the conversations about yourself and you can't handle it?

That's when I lost it guys and told him all that I've been holding inside for six months. For the first time I didn't feel bad leaving the conversation. Normally I'd hold back because I'd take into consideration his feelings and well being. I never got the chance to say all these things to him because six months ago he'd rage so bad that I could never get a word in edgewise. And I guess for the last three months he's has it in his mind that I MUST have forgotten all the crappy things he's done to me since I hadn't mentioned anything since then. But truth is, it's been building up and building more since his ignorance and nonchalance. His feelings are important but so are mine.

The next day he didn't show up to work. I was amazed because he barely calls off from work. But it was best because it gave me freedom to be comfortable at work on my own. I know some will say that my words to him were useless. But it was more for ME. My counselor has told me before to know your worth and your true self. If you know you're a good, honest, loving, respectful, generous, and kind person... . don't need to second guess that. Stand firm in who you are and don't allow anyone to try make you believe otherwise. I got tired of proving myself to him and to MYSELF too. I know who I am and if he can't see the wonderful person that's right under his nose... . it's NOT a reflection on me at all.

Sorry for the vent guys... .

But thanks for reading... .

Oh and my response to the question is that in my experience... . I don't believe they truly do. He might brainwash himself to doing so in order to black out his mistakes from past relationships but they never get better with the new person UNTIL they actually fix themselves first.

apparently the more they love someone the worse they act/the worse their symptoms get.

if that's true, then i guess i can take a small comfort in thinking my xBPDgf loved me more than anyone in her entire life before me b/c she really came unglued/sick in our 4 years together in a monumental way that nobody had ever seen before.

so, by the same token, if that's true then you can take comfort in  knowing that if you see your BPDx in a r/s and seems more normal and happy i guess that means  your ex is not as in love w/them as they were with you. 

icu2

Maybe it is time to stop obsessing about her happiness and focus on your own.

No good will come from it.

Life with a pwBPD makes no sense.  You need to accept what has happened.

They always get better with their new partner... and post about how awesome their life is with you out of it and mr/mrs new wonderful in it. Then they post pics of them doing things they did with you. Wait a bit and the posts are about how horrible mr/mrs new was, and what a trooper they are moving on with mr/mrs newer/wonderful.

First time or two it hurts like crazy... . after a while it starts to become clear that the new person is not better/more wonderful... . they are just the latest in the line of unstable r/s your pwBPD has jumped in to, then out of... . to avoid being alone.

The last "other guy" I was aware of... I felt very little ... . except the desire to warn him as it seemed the decent thing to do... but I didn't. Whole fling lasted about 4 months... . my exBPDgf got an STD from  him... . then came to me wanting me to comfort her. 

I had finally had my fill of abuse and heartache. You can rest easy that if your pwBPD truly is BPD... . that the next guy isn't going to have things magically work out wonderful for them and live happily every after. Different people will elicit greater or lesser amounts of dysfunctional behavior... . but it comes out in a close r/s and they don't suddenly get better. They may suddenly marry or do something else irresponsible.

Best of luck... . its tough missing someone that isn't deserving of it.

Once again, I am so grateful to all of you who took time to write these posts,    to you all.


I'm aware that there has to be some issue with my self worth that comes into play here. I know I'm a good looking guy and prior to her I was confident yet humble I'm no brad Pitt. However, to me prior to the honeymoon phase or even talking to her, I thought she was out of my league. When I was with her, she would keep so many god damn pictures of her exES some laying in her bed, some are on vacation, just thousands of photos. That coupled with the extreme detail about her past sex life with these men. How they would just "plow" her and their gorgeous bodies, and the elaborate gifts she received and the things they did for her. I hated it! I was such a fool. It made me feel insecure and she loved it. Now I'm thinking with the same mentality as before, but lord knows I tried to the best of my abilities and I was and AM a good person you could say we all here possess large amounts of compassion.

I worry about this same exact thing, in fact I almost torture myself with it. I noticed today that he pulled his profile off of the dating site... so I of course assume that he has met someone. I pictured them out to dinner, he holding her hands, picking a drink for her, charming her with sweetness and excellent conversation, etc... . I wonder if she will be the one that he is happy with, that he won't pull his BS on, won't disappear/abandon/ignore/cheat... . It eats me alive to fathom him being with another woman.  After 30 recycles in a year, you think I would be relieved to not hear from him, but I am not. Every time I get a text and its NOT him, a little piece of me dies inside... . and then I figure he is with someone else and that is why he is not texting

I know how you are feeling. Recovering from this is diff than any breakup I have dealt with in the past. It sucks

Dizzy you are hurt by his treatment.  It's totally understandable to be hurt when someone treats you poorly.


Better is relative.  It could be the next person doesn't mind or has different expectations than you.  It may work for them, but it might not be what works for you.

Better in the prosocial and commonly accepted ways healthy relationships work, the course of treatment for BPD takes years.  There is a family component too.  It's a huge endeavor by all that requires all members to be very committed to this change.  It's not something that the behavior magically disappears meeting the right person.

Know that your expectation for good treatment is okay.  And that lowering them for one person who can't get it together isn't necessary.

^^Have you considered delving into this a bit more?^^

I think it's pretty common for "nons" to second guess themselves.  And it has everything to do with the non, not the BPD sufferer.  We were most likely wired this way long before pwBPD came into our lives.

We play a role in our relationships, a BIG one.  We also tend to play havoc with ourselves.

Just something to ponder... .

Sadinnc98, that's quite a habit. Do you really think he can or will change that after you?

Also, to all of us out there torturing ourselves with this question about whether our exBPDers find happiness with someone else, we assume that the next someone else will love them the day we did. Did we ever consider the next person will get wind of the BPD and bolt? Or maybe the BPD will treat them worse than us? My exBPD's wife left him for another man. Just because I was dysfunctionally attached to the guy doesn't mean everyone else will be.

I know-the 30 recycles is a LOT-for one year... the emotional toll has been nothing short of tremendous.    I know that prior to me, he had a VERY tumultuous relationship with his second ex-wife-on and off engagements, had her name tattooed on him and covered up three different times-that says a lot there and so I have a feeling this is his pattern. Can he change... . my gut tells me at this stage, and at his age (51) the likelihood is low.

I also think the majority of women would not stay with him. Everyone I know thinks I am crazy.  I eventually got sucked in and 30 recycles later, here I am... . a shell of the person I was... .   I felt sorry for him, I blamed his craziness on the fact that he didn't know better, hadn't dated in years, etc... . (found out later that was all lies)  So I proceeded right into the fire with this when there were a million red flags waving... and then I figured out the BPD and it all began making sense.

Most women would have BAILED after the first date-he really appeared crazy... Ill have to share those stories sometime and how his words to explain his actions (again lies) made me justify, feel sorry for and accept him... . however I still think the majority would never have went out with him again.

30 recycles geez... . I thought my 8-9 was a lot for one year.  My BPDex often claimed either 1 of 2 things "the guy just uses her for sex" or "they fall madly in love with her within the first two weeks". I like to think that both will realize some later rather than sooner that she has issues.

I'd echo everyone else here. I actually heard by email from several people who knew her during different phases of the r/s. They all confirmed the EXTREME history of relationships and that she pretty much always told everyone I was wonderful. So when it was over, it was the extreme devaluation as per the disorder. I wondered if I missed something for the longest, and yes, there were red flags. Who doesn't want to be in love though, and hear the lofty sentiments? But all of the romance has no lasting value. It still all seems very surreal to me. I'm not quite as angry with her. I understand it's more or less just the way she is. I want better for myself going forward. I won't play the pwBPD game again. I'm 3 years out and I'm just feeling like wow, I've spent so much time on this experience. I really do need to learn something from it.

My ex stayed with an abuser for 4.5 years. She had two boyfriends after that guy and before me. Her parents never heard her call them her boyfriend. Matter of fact, they don't even think she dated the more recent of the two.

Anyways, I think she had fun with the one guy... . But she said they hung out once a week at best.

I was her first serious intense loving relationship. I don't think she understands what happened. She said she never argues before etc... But also never loved like this.

I wonder what she will be like with the next guy. But I take it as a compliment that I loved her enough to get her to love me back, even if it wasn't true love. I'm the only guy that she was like that with, because no one else triggered her abandonment issues cuz she never got close with them.

Idk, just a thought. Maybe she is having fun, but there is no attachment or real love.

It depends how much self confidence and self respect the new person has. If the new guy has low self respect, she will be able to abuse him longer until he becomes fed up with it and decides to leave.

I'll be the first to say that I had zero self respect, and so I was able to stay with my ex for a year. Anyone who has normal common sense would have left maybe a couple of months into the relationship.

But yes, Iamdizzy, I ask the question a lot, because deep inside I still feel like its my fault. Deep inside I feel like I'm the bad guy, and that she will be happy with the new guy because he's a good guy, and I'm not. She has told me many times that I'm the worst human being ever, and I find myself believing that. (Maybe I'm not the worst, but I feel like a bad person. Selfish, unattractive, the whole nine.)

I am leery of the story we get from our pwBPD when it comes to their ex's... so far each thing I checked out has been 100% untrue. YMMV.

I was told that I was the only one that she "really loved"... but with her having been married and divorced twice, engaged 7 times and not even knowing how many guys she dated... . I am fairly skeptical.

Mine was a passive internal sufferer, has had few "relationships". I believe her because her parents confirmed it. But does not matter. I'm painted black and she said she is done with me and never coming back etc. it is what it is.

I too am leery of their stories, durin our last conversation over the phone she had no problem telling me whatsoever how much better she is without me. How AMAZING her life is and she's leaps and bounds better. Making it seem as if I was the dead weight, the anchor that's supressing her from achieving happiness. Such bull___.

How could someone who is 27 years old suddenly improve her behavior and attitude not to mention her Mental Illness all within a month, or a year, or 2,3,4,5, years?

That's just it... . they can't. I think that is what they tell themselves in order to feel better. I think deep down they know they have some serious issues, but as long as they keep telling you and others how happy and better they are, it gives them an excuse not to take a good look in the mirror. Don't believe it. I was made to feel like the "dead weight" too, but whenever I second guess myself, I remind myself of her past and all the people she screwed over and lied too. You are not the dead weight, she is... . and deep down she knows it.

This question has already been answered in prior posts, but ALL OF US are "happy/better" in the honeymoon phase of the relationship... . the trick is that when this phase is over, and real life / reality kicks in, how will they respond?

It's like when you buy a new car.  You're proud and happy... . but eventually the new car smell wears off and you're still stuck with the payments!

MCC

MCC well said!  that's the part that, I assume they do not know how to react to.

Gettingoverit- I Agree, my BPDex knew she had issues she would constantly tell me that but I think they split us black, and give off this "I am happy" facade that they actually start believing their own BS. Being with a new person to them is the same as self medicating. It postpones them from looking within because they have some sort of external entertainment. My BPDex often felt inferior because I had my live together while her life was a puddle of mud, I always supported her in every choice she made that would better her future, I'd be the first to offer encouragement, but i'm the deadweight right?  lol

My x had NO adult coping skills whatsoever... . she wasn't capable, that's the truth... .

She was wonderful around children and animals.  She would often say how "easy they were to be around because they were so simple and didn't require too much thought."  Well, nicely put.  That summed up her mentality... .

MCC

It's not only about telling us and others how much better they are getting along post-breakup, it's them wanting to convince themselves, if anything for temporary relief. When my exuBPDbf broke up with me in dramatic fashion,  suddenly he was "happy" we were done. Which probably has some truth to it because he was so tortured in the r/s. But he's also a proud alcoholic with a mental illness. His happy is superficial and relative.

Unhappy people's brains are on overdrive. Unhappy people derogate what they want but don't receive whereas happy people are okay when they don't receive something they choose. See this story: www.nytimes.com/2013/04/21/fashion/happiness-inc.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0 (http://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/21/fashion/happiness-inc.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0)

Good point on this one!  My x could sleep at night, and still cant (so she says) without some sort of industrial strength benzo... . claims her mind is always racing, overthinks everything, overanalyzes things too much... .

We've all got "problems." Health, financial, family, etc... . You can think it to death, but at the end of the day, all you can do is the best that you can, try and make good choices, and accept reality for what it is!

MCC

HiIamDizzy.

Great question.

I would not put any stock in what your ex says. See with BPD's they are emotionally immature an run from there problems.  For them a new lover is just a great escape. Kind of like a fantasy vacation. It makes them feel so wonderful to be able to put the problems they created in there last relationship. A new lover gives them the opportunity to re-invent themselves. Come up with a new persona that is noting like the horrible one she was with you. Also it should be remembered that many BPD's have sex / love addiction issues. They are so emotionally immature that any type of acceptance by there new partner they equate with intense love. It makes them feel invigorated. Makes them do things that they never would with there ex partner. The endorphins rush and the mind dreams... . and next thing you know they are over the top.


However all of this is a complete façade! You cannot fall in love like that. It's just infatuation. For BPD's they have a strong under-current of emotional conflicts that are tugging at them. The BPD may be able to numb these emotional worries with the new lover but its just a temporary fix. Sooner or later there emotional issues will get a hold of them and will begin to control there persona just as they have always done.

Think of it this way: It's no different than an alcoholic who binge drinks to numb the pain. Or a junkie who shoots heroin to escape how terribly there life has become. While the alcohol / drugs have them high they will feel wonderful. Eventually however they will come down and fall back to reality and there problems will still be there.

For myself, my BPDw left me and the kids saying she had to find herself so she could be there for the children in the future. Within 3 weeks she told me she was in love. Said she had not felt this way in 20 years! Started spending money on him like crazy. Doing sexual things with him that she would never with me. Letting him move in within days. In week 5 he said that he was still in love with his ex and this just made my wife even more obsessive about him. But the funny thing is that even while she was "exclusive" with him she was still cheating on him.

Eventually, no one can know when, she will come off of her high and see that he was not worth it -- this usually happens once the BPD has "captured" the new lover and the love addiction ends. Who knows when this will be but it will happen and when it does she will be back to being depressed and having to face her life long demons. So she will try to find another lover who does the same thing -- maybe even recycle her past partners. No different than an alcoholic or junky jonesing for a fix.

BTW's this is also why many people with BPD also have serious substance abuse problems. They will do anything to run away from there problems.

At the moment where i am in my suffering i dont want him to ever be happy with a new partner, i hope in time i will like to think he can have happiness but i dont believe he will. Over 2 years together during that time he got diagnosed,started meds and therapy but was lying to his therapist so had no real intention of going through with help. The moment he left he stopped therapy and meds so i dont believe he will be any better for the next 20 girlfriends he is likely to have in his life time.

For me i have gone back over previous partners. His 1st gf was 15 when pregnant he was 22 (i never knew about this until days before our break up, it was me finding it out that made him run, his shame) he walked out on gf and baby. 2nd gf, she was 17 he was 24, again he ran, couldnt bond with the baby and has had not alot to do with her over last 15 years (has never seen number 1 child)  3rd gf, this one lasts 11 years but extremely on and off. When daughter was 1 they split and he got another girl pregnant (she had abortion) gf had many years of his anger, push/pull, jelousy, splitting but it was put down to him just being b****y awkward. 2nd daughter came along and things got worse, finally she has had enough and makes him leave (she has told me so much he did to her which is all i had too) so gf 4, together for a year, shes very supportive and he says hes looking into getting help but apparantly everytime he went to docs he was actually out with another woman, she knew he was cheating but always forgave him, he decided one day out the blue to just leave her (she also had all the push/pull, splitting etc) he portrayed her to me as a sad, pathetic, mad woman who soo loved him and didnt want it over, she told me this in parts was true, she was finding it hard to let go but she never wanted to be with him (i didnt get it at the time but wish i had listened to her warnings. Along comes me (can read my posts to know what happened) i had exactly the same experience as them, blissfully happy and in love, engaged due to marry next year, then the cracks appear, push/pull, splitting, jeousy, anger rages, tears, suicide threats ALL OF IT... . then the moment im blasting him with catching him out on endless lies he runs away and i mean runs, no looking back, not a single word of goodbye, he had moved on a few days prior with a woman he met on dating site without me knowing. He did the same to her, within a week she was in love with him and he used all the same words (I have never felt this way before, i feel so young again, i cant imagine my life without you, this really is it for me etc etc etc) i told her the real truth about him and so she caught his lies out very quick and dumped him. Judging by his statuses hes got yet another gf and i KNOW he is doing it all again, all the same words, the same behaviour, so do i think he will be better for his next partner? NO, NO,NO. How can he be when he is repeating everything the same each time, even with therapy i dont believe he would of really changed, I wish he could as i would of stood by him. The fact i know its him and not me helps but its hard keeping a grip on it all. I feel myself failing everyday in this journey, the last 9 days have been the hardest of my life and it sucks to know ive got such a long way to go.

it's ironic, when you put it that way - and i only thought of it that way for the first time very recently, since reading all these forums here:  it actually is a compliment... .   my xBPDgf never imploded with anyone the way she did with me, and she also said she'd never felt this way before... . so much in love at the same time feeling safety and excitement.  she had had one or the other but never all 3 at the same time.  i was her first to feel love AND safety AND excitement (ie great intimacy and sex).  and you know what?  she was my first too.  THAT is why it;s so hard for me to let go... . i just feel so strongly that she was 1-in-a-million for me and i'll never have that again.  and that is so dmn depressing.

icu2

<cut>'Good point on this one!  My x could sleep at night, and still cant (so she says) without some sort of industrial strength benzo... . claims her mind is always racing, overthinks everything, overanalyzes things too much... . [/quote]
my xBPDgf was the same way, exponentially.  i mean, she;d take 2 max strength ambiens and 2 benzo's and STILL not lay down and sleep.  that scared me when i saw that!    and at it's worst, she would stay up so long (talking days here) that she would just "drop and sleep" wherever she happened to be... . imagine if that happened behind the wheel?  her license was suspended (for DUI's) but that didn't stop her from driving. 

icu2

My ex could sleep just fine, full 9 hours no problem without sleep aids. His overactive mind was during waking hours. I could tell he spent a lot of nervous energy worrying about everything -- worrying about maintaining a normal life with alcohol abuse and mental illness, worrying about pleasing me, worrying about his insecurities, worrying about his future. You name it.

my BPDex would often have nightmares but loved sleeping. Saturday and sunday she would wake up at 4 whenever she stayed at my place. She loved sleep. I think it was the only way she could escape her thoughts for a while. Shame.