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It seems as if DD 28 has decided to move past the drama of the past five months and have our relationship return to "normal."  She has even invited her daddy and me over to dinner at her house next week.  My husband and I have already discussed how we need to act, what we should talk about/not talk about while there.  Hopefully, things will go smoothly as they did at her brother's college graduation last week.  I am cautiously optimistic.

This is my dilemma.  I want her off our car insurance and cell phone account asap.  It's always been like pulling teeth getting the money from her every month, and it's been that way for years.  She knows that her daddy pays the bills on the 15th of every month, but she waits for us to text or call her with the amount she owes.  The amount owed always varies slightly from month to month.  By the time she finally pays us (if she does at all), it's time for the next payment.  When things were at their worst between us these past few months, she was actually mailing us payment ON TIME each month.

Now that we are returning to civility, she is back to her old ways.  She texted us three weeks ago wanting to know the July amount then never paid it.  Today my husband paid the August bill.  So she owes for two months. She claims it will cost her more if she gets her own cell plan and that may be true, but that's not my problem.  Her husband's cell phone is on his parent' plan, and they pay it.  That's their choice, but I think DD should pay for her phone.  As for the car insurance, we have been told by our agent that it won't cost her anymore to get her own policy. 

Another reason I want her off my cell phone plan has to do with a stunt she and her husband pulled awhile back when they came to my house unannounced and attacked me with cell phone records to prove that I had contact with her best friend after she discovered the friend and I had discussed her BPD behavior. She claimed that night that she was getting her own phone plan and car insurance because she did not want to have to deal with us anymore.  Of course, that never happened.

So my question is this.  How do we approach this topic without creating a big stink with her?  My husband is reluctant to bring it up at all since things are going better with her. 

My idea would be to find a way to bring this up away from a family dinner. Take the time to figure out a plan first. Some things to ponder:

Find a rationale for this change without getting into any of her prior behaviors or actions. Maybe to do with her ability to manage on her own, that you trust her to manage this.

Give a deadline - like 2 weeks for her to transfer the phone account and car insurance before you cancel the service.

Are you willing to accept the risks of again reaping her anger? There is no way to predict her response.

I assume she has a steady job and the ability to pay. Wonder if she and her dh could get their own plan together - part of being a commited couple and being independent adults in a marriage.

Take what you want of my ideas and leave the rest.

qcr  

qcr, those are some good ideas to think about.  I definitely don't want to bring it up at dinner.  In fact, I don't want to bring it up at all.  I want my husband to talk to her since he is the one who notifies her of the amount every month and keeps up with it.  Maybe if he said something like, "We know this is inconvenient for you having to remember to reimburse us, so to make it easier on yourself we feel you should get your own plan."  The idea about giving her a deadline is a good one.

He has complained about her not paying us or paying us late for years but for some reason won't do anything about it.  It just frustrates me. 

You're right that there is no way to predict her response.  Last summer she gave me a small gift (I forget what it was) and I thanked her but calmly said that I would rather that she pay us what she owes us  instead of buying gifts.  At that time, she hadn't paid in several months.  She blew up, said I was driving her crazy, stormed out of my house, and burnt rubber driving away.  If we tell her we are cancelling her insurance and changing our phone plan in two weeks, she will be forced to make other arrangements.  She could NEVER be without her phone, even for a few minutes as she is completely addicted to FB and texting. 

I just had a long talk with my car insurance.

One thing they told me is that if you I have my daughter on my policy she has to live in the same house. Sounds like your daughter lives else where, so check with your company and if it is true than it is not your option to have her on it.  I would give her a one month notice though.

I do not advocate lying, however make some small change  to your cell phone plan, tell her you are looking at these changes and if they happen they she will have to find her own phone.  Repeat that these changes are for your benefit/finances.

I would space these apart... maybe even 6 months... .

Verbena,

In response to the title of this thread,

ME TOO!

DSD hasn't lived with us for two years  but we were, until very recently, still paying her car insurance and cell phone bill. In the big scheme of things, she doesn't really count this as  anything less than an entitlement... . has never offered to reimburse us.

We hold the title on her car so paying the car insurance is not something we feel like we can relinquish to her entirely. But we have made changes that I will discuss below.

After being out of work (and not looking for work) for nearly a year, she is finally working again and making good money. She found this job quickly once her cell phone quit working and she was loaned a "funkier" cell phone to use until she was able to buy a new one. So, I know what you mean about the addiction to the cell phone. She couldn't stand not having a super nice phone so she found that job lickety-split!

Her Dad, my husband, never heard me when I suggested we quit paying her cell phone bill during the unemployed period... . it would have been the perfect natural consequence for her (un) employment choices and truth is, it would have lit the fire under her butt eleven months ago. Now that she has spent several hundred dollars on this new phone, he is seeing things more my way with this evidence of her " motivations ".

So, DH sat down with her and told her he was going to make some changes... .

With my DSD, it helps to put things in writing and get her signature. Now we have a contract for her to give us the money for the cell phone bill and her car insurance by the 19th of each month. The consequence is that she will be removed from our cell phone contract and will have to get her own plan within 30 days of her failure to pay on time. We showed her the costs of her getting her own plan. Because we are not willing to sign the car over to her and obviously we need her to have car insurance we came up with the idea of giving her a discount on the car insurance if she pays on time. If she is late or short on paying the car insurance for two months in a row, we will take her car back. She came by with the money last night after he went to bed (today is the 20th)... . so far, so good.

The truth is, we can see that without a car she might not go to work or look for a job (if that is why she quits paying) so... . it would be hard for my husband to enforce the contract as far as the car insurance goes. I could SO do this as I know she could get to work or look for a job by utilizing public transportation. My husband, not so much interested in really holding up his end of the contract if she fails on her end so it is iffy at best and I'm sure she sort of knows this. But for now, she is trying and trying is SO GOOD FOR HER, succeeding is EVEN BETTER and my husband can see again and again that enabling keeps her from these small successes that she so obviously needs to regain her self-esteem. That is the bottom line, after all.

Good luck!

thursday

My DD27 cannot apply to get her driving privileges restored until March 2014 due to her DWAI conviction last Sep and her refusal to give a blood test when arrested in Feb 2012. This probation is such a long, drawn out process for her. For me, gratitude that I do not have to constantly say no to request to use my car. I can see it coming though, and there needs to be a plan in place.

She is far from ready to handle a job, IMHO. She has access to job couseling. She needs a job coach to get started. She needs living skills to make it work also. I do not want to be her financial manager - I just hate to say no. It feels so awful. And I accept that I have no control over her asking.

She to could not imagine life without her cell phone. It costs us $100 a month. She is the only 'smartphone' user in household. Then maybe it is worth it. The internet connection has helped her out. And I have blocked anything that costs extra money under our family plan. And she accepts this.

I accept that she may always need a higher level of support from us or a community organization due to her severe LD and the emotional trauma this leads to. She seems to be coming to accept some help from outside resources - baby steps.

So hopeful there will be a day she can be more financially independent of dh and I. We will need to stop working at some point - have to preserve a little retirement assets.

qcr  

twojaybirds, I will find out if we have a rule that she must live with us.  I don't think so, but I'll check.  That would make it easier if we said we had no choice but to take her off. 

thursday, isn't it amazing how younger people feel about their phones?   At least wanting a nice phone motivated your daughter to get a job. The idea of a contract is not a bad one and if it works for your daughter, that's great.  I have a feeling that presenting our daughter with a contract would be seen by her as a huge insult, and the you-know-what would hit the fan.     I would rather just give her a deadline to get her own insurance and cell plan.  She's 28 years old with her own home, a good job, and a husband with a good job. They have no problem taking weekend trips and eating out all the time.  She is using us and will continue to do so as long as we let her.   

qcr, I know it's just easier with your daughter not being able to drive for now.  You would have a whole other set of problems to worry about if she was behind the wheel.  I hope by the time she is able to drive again that she is more stable and closer to being able to get/keep a job.  I know that would help her self-esteem tremendously.