BPDFamily.com

Exactly two years ago my xBPDw filed for divorce. After failed reconciliation divorce was finalized more than a year ago.

My story is not different than many stories here: she blindsided me just like she blindsided her first husband, her ex fiancée, her last BF before me  etc. Her spectacular, sudden, emotionless exit seemed so weird to me but as I learned later, so typical for a pwBPD. How could this person "who would never leave me", leave me in such a manner?

I just want to share where I am right now. Right after she filed, and before I knew about BPD and even after I learned about BPD I wanted her back so desperately. I wanted back our life, our family, everything we had together. I could not understand how could she hurt me, her children, my children, how could she give up good life we had for a life of chaos that followed. She is not doing well. Her kids are not doing well. My kids are recovered and doing great!

Now I know that  emotions rule their lives not logic.  Emotions are facts to them. From the distance I was able to reflect on our marriage and spot some signs of trouble that I was not able to see from inside. My T helped my understand that. Reading stories here and elsewhere helped too. For example my T pointed out to me that pwBPD's strong amd framtic need to control. How could this be? After all I am the one with stronger personality and I was accused by her of being controling. This was the most difficult aspect for me to understand but i got it finally.

Many people here ask if we love them and if they love us. I became indifferent and I am ok with that. Would I want her back? Let me rephrase it. If I had a choice and I do, would I chose mentally ill person or the one tnat is mentally healthy? That is a tough one :) Of course I do not want her back.

How would I feel if she marries the POSOM she left me for? BTW I knew him well so I feel justified to call him by his pet name :) Well if/when she marries him I will buy a lot of pcorn and watch that soap opera! No I will not. I have more important things to take care of such as my life not her life. The POSOM is just her next victim. Even if they do spend the rest of their lives together I do not their lives. I want to live my life and share it with someone who will appreciate me!

Just recently I recognized the most important signs of my post-BPD healing. I very much enjoy my own company. As somebody said, I am that one person I will spend my whole life with until the very last second.  So I decided to invest my time  in loving myself, not my ex. I also want to spend much more time with other people I love and who love me and always will: my father, my children, my famiy and friends. I do not want to spend my thoughts and my energy on somebody who brought so much hurt to me and my children.

I do not wish her ill but I will never talk to her again even if she gets enrolled into a DBT class and graduates with honors. Borderlines do not change!

Hi DivorcedNon, Why does this post sound like you are trying to convince yourself of something?  You have left the BPD drama behind and are moving forward, so why the second thoughts?  It takes time, and it's hard, but life gets better after a BPD r/s, so hang in there,  Lucky Jim

LuckyJim,

You are asking me if I am doing so well why am I here :) There are no second thoughts, just simple sharing. I got a lot from others sharing their experiences and maybe someone will find my experience useful and comforting.

On advice of my T one year ago I quit all BPD forums and quit reading about BPD.  That helped a lot!  Nowdays I stop here very infrequently.  When I do, I read stories that are very similar to mine. To state it very simply, we all thought that we had a very special and unique relationship but we all had a typical BPD relationship.

Everyone was telling me that I should focus on myself instead on my ex but it was very hard to do. I became obsessed with BPD. I wanted to learn everything about it: Why did my xBPDw do this or that. Can she change? Who is she with etc. None of that helped.

When I was finally able to quit my BPD obsession,  my life became much better.  I just wanted to share my experience and the advice that I was given that quitting BPD obsession and focusing on ourselves is the only way. I know I sound like a 12 stepper but that did work for me.

Hey DN, No worries!  Glad to hear you are doing well and sharing, I agree, is helpful to all.  Lucky Jim