BPDFamily.com

Hi all

Over the last 2.5 months, I had only seen BP twice in person. We had been Long Distance for the past 15 months, because basically he was too violent and unpredictable to have living in my house, (after 2 years off and on, the stress was incredible).

The last straw on the camels back for him living with me, was his instigating physical violence with my son-in law and daughter on the front lawn one evening, (they board with me).

Since he tried to attack my daughters partner, (BP's new target for venom/hate) my daughter rushed out in her partner's defence and hit BP. The last time she had seen BP being violent towards her and myself, she had also hit him, so BP has never forgiven her for this, yet refuses to accept his own more violent behaviour.

I have always validated that my daughter should never have hit him, and offered to pay for a doctors visit to ascertain if there was facial damage like he implied, (there wasn't, it was just another justification to punish me more).

I did however remind him, that violence is a two way street, in order for one party to admit fault and make peace, the other party must be committed to change also.

Well, you can guess how this was received!

I also explained to him, that our relationship was no different. I said I had made mistakes, and hurt him, (often unintentionally too) but that I was committed to change, growth and making it work between us. I said I loved him deeply, would forever, and there was nobody else for me. (I truly meant this). I said we both had to change this destructive way of talking, no more abuse, but he needed to join me in that, by calling time outs when he got too upset. I had been telling him the same thing for two years, and it was agreed on, but never put into practice.

The feeling was that he had a 10 second memory at times, it was most certainly selective, and largely balanced to what people did to him, not what he had infact done which was much worse.

I was subjected to verbal violence at least 4 days per week for the whole time I have been involved with him, the nastiness and venom he projects and denigrates people with is absolutely shocking.

My daughter was well aware of BP's behaviour, since she had been exposed to it so often, and was also quite concerned that he would one day really hurt me, (if not kill me). So I guess her anger/fear towards him was understandable.

Both herself and her partner were well aware of BP's consistent resentment/violence towards them, (often hearing him denigrating them too). He was also obsessed about their lives, their friends, went through the rubbish bins and looked for receipts on things they brought, went through their room, and was obsessed with them to the point of absurdity.

He stole mail that was theirs, denied this, but then had forgotten he had earlier admitted it. There were never ending threats of violence towards them, for their perceived 'rejection and rudeness' towards him. I would often say to him that I did not wish to listen to him denigrating them to me, or talking about their lives, since it was none of his business.

All the logic in the world made no difference. Neither did my boundaries, he refused to respect them, but demanded respect of his own.

He would then alternate between blaming me for their attitude towards him at times, (inferring that I had been 'backstabbing him the whole time to them, but he was backstabbing them to me every day!). Somehow, this was his right, to discuss issues with his partner! but not the way he 'discussed issues'.

As I found out, he had been long backstabbing me to his parents and friends too. The difference between us is that I wasn't 'backstabbing' I was discussing my upset feelings, and I also told the truth of how things went, not one side, slanted towards making me look the victim, (as he was).

Several times before his violent instigation with them, (and after) I let him know that he had the opportunity to sit down with the both of them himself, (an opportunity here to form his own separate relationship with them like he so often demanded) and discuss the concerns he had with them. BP nastily refused, dismissing them as 'children and idiots'.

So, I rest my case there... .

After the incident with them, he went back to staying at his elderly parents more permanently, (not that he ever really stopped leaning on his parents for the prior 13 years to knowing me).

I was ceremoniously dumped yet again, abused, and he ignored me for about a week. I also needed time, so did not phone him or make contact either.

Out of the blue, (just as I was beginning to let him go again a week or so later) he rings up, apologising, saying he was all OK with staying at his parents again anyway, since he could work away on the project car he had brought, (without telling me) when he lived at mine.

This car cost him $1700, he was long unemployed, and guess who he leaned on financially whilst he paid it off over 5 months? Might I add, he continued to justify abusing/accusing/treating me very badly whilst this was happening too.

He decided that I would not wish to come stay overnight at his parents with him, before giving me the chance to even decide that. As it turned out, I did end up travelling up 40 minutes one way, and several times per week to see him and spend time with him. This was often difficult as I worked split shifts a lot, and often had to have more than one job to survive. 95% of the time I made effort to see him, he would again, have some excuse or reason to act nastily, rage/project/denigrate each time I went.

I never went empty handed, and my support towards him was always consistent, throughout his abuse, his support has been hot and cold like the wind mostly. And it had been a long time since he had really put himself out to do anything to help me that counted...

I would always feel 'conned' into going to see him, lured with the promise of loving cuddles, pleasant time and company etc. It was more often not like that, and when it was, I would always be waiting for the Monster to return within several days.

This always made the nice times feel like a lie, (I always felt insecure, doubtful, and in pain and heartbreak). I always told him he needed to change his behaviour, not who he was. But it was wasted.

My story about what I endured those first 2 years of live in, is documented well and truly here, and my posts are always long, and full of pain. The hardest thing, is that when I met him, and we were initially friends, he admitted to me that he was in need of Mental Health treatment, as a result of what he had been through in his life. He continued to admit this for two years, usually every time he 'recycled me'. Yet he never did anything to help himself. By the time he was back living at his parents, he never admitted it again.

I was pretty supportive and understanding, and was quite open about the fact that I had my own PTSD to deal with, and some anxiety issues of my own too. I did tell him, that the system wasn't like he imagined, in that they don't lock you in a padded cell, ply you with medications and throw away the key these days.

I said that a combination of the right medication, (usually an antidepressant will help temporarily) and counselling will work wonders, along with 'keeping it simple'. He never really listened though, so I gave up, yet continued to pursue help myself.

My biggest regret, is that I occasionally fought back verbally, and threw his vitriolic ways right back at him.

Deep down, I just couldn't take the pain he inflicted on me, (such was my love/hope for him/us) so I could not be around his act, if I truly wanted to recover and heal from my own past abuse, and tendency to fight back verbally. Sometimes I lost out to myself/us since I never had a true voice in the relationship, my only way of saying stuff was to send texts.

As we all know here, that just makes it worse, but from reading the posts of earlier days, along with the lessons, they poke us with a stick over and over, just to get that reaction. And 100%, exBP poked me under great duress, lack of sleep/sleep deprivation was the biggest one. Or, he would be in his car with me, or driving my van, and I would not be able to stop and get out. So I would be subjected to his rants/denigrations/projections/rage for hours on end, to the point of madness.

Once or twice on several of these trips, where I couldn't get out of the car safely, (at night and a long way from home) I got sick of repeating STOP, and in the end, such was the verbal abuse/violent talk I had been subjected to enduring, I lost it and shouted back.

Strangely, this oddly made him stop, almost immediately at times. He almost looked happy, that he had provoked me past the point of human endurance again.

Then, he would switch into the victim mode, and I was the abuser again... Just the way he wanted it..Any attention to him was good, he couldn't stand it when I detached, refused to get upset with him, so he had to always push me past human limits to 'break me'.

My first partner, and the Father of my now young adult (children) was very good at that too. I spent years with him off and on, being psychologically tortured, and I became an angry person for quite some time. Looking back, I think he may have had Borderline too, since he was also violent, taunting, mean, cruel, twisted, and dangerous.

So peoples, since last Monday, I have not heard from exBP. Our only contact over the last few months has been only via telephone, he gives me hope of spending nice time together, and then fobs me off again.

When he rang last Monday he had disappeared on the Friday before that, overnight, and as always, unreachable by mobile all night until later the next morning.

This was his 'punishment' to me, (after validating him for 3 hours already that day) I wasn't feeling that well, and also had things to do so I again firmly stated I needed to get off the phone for now, and we could talk or I would text him Goodnight later. His tone was sulky, and I believe he wanted to hurt me again, by disappearing overnight, knowing how insecure this makes me feel.

I did not react well to this, after telling him I did not resent him going to this place, (despite his refusal to hang out with me there) I had already stated that him not answering his phone was unacceptable to me, since I am always expected to answer mine if he calls me. He ignored me and did it again.

I sent a LOT of texts, and some of them were not pleasant. Then later that morning he rang, with yet another excuse, 'I ran out of petrol'. I said that I already knew that, since I had called his parents at dinner time, and his Mother told me where he was, and also that he had run out of petrol but had sorted that, (around 5 pm an hour after I had spoken to him).

He then started raging at me, telling me again that we hadn't been in a relationship since I 'kicked him out 18 months ago', (about 15 months ago actually) and all the rest of the painting black that I listen to nearly every day since meeting him. This was his justification, once again. I have long suspected that he had another woman over there in this city, since he has gone there every week for nights since I met him. This wouldn't be OK for me to do obviously, but his excuse is always this; ( I have a house and a 'family that loves me and is nice to me according to him).

I say Baloney. It still doesn't make it OK for him to do it, then ask 20 questions about where I go at nights, and what I do every minute of every day...

When he spoke to me on the following Monday, (after his disappearing act) his tone of voice was again snarly. He called his parents C***'s, then called my daughter and her partner C***'s, and I said STOP.

I said I did not wish to hear him talking like that, or using that word, about people I know and care about. I said I did not agree with him that they were 'that word' and to stop talking that way around me.

So he then screamed at me, "Well, F***OFF then, you F****N C***! and slammed the phone down in my ear.

Now he has gone back to ignoring me yet again.

I just start getting over him, and then he phones out of the blue, when I have long given up hearing from him, still crying, ruminating, not getting anything much done around my house, and mildly depressed.

I have found out a whole lot more lies since last contact, (which I always suspected he had lied about). And I am about to find out more I guess. This will be my way of making sure that I can stick to NC myself, and if he does call, hanging up, and avoiding him.

Unless he called up and said that he was truly sorry, made an inventory of his abuse, (like I have with my occasional verbal retaliations) and was serious about seeking some help, he will only hurt me again, over and over. Since he is not safe to be around, I am afraid to go see him, unless it is a public place. But public places don't stop him either, as he thinks nothing of humiliating both of us...

Why do I care? Why do I long for this man to call me, tell me he loves me, and there is no other for him, (like he always did) and tell me he is going to get help because he loves me that much he really doesn't want to lose me?

Is he sitting round obsessing over me like he used to? I doubt it. I would even go so far as to guess that he has been trying desperately to line up new targets since he met me...

Ok rollercoaster24,

I could of wrote this myself.  Almost verbatim and it is so scary to me!

I just went thru the exact same push/pull thing this month!

And I too kicked him out due to the reasons youve listed.  NO respect, verbal abuse, cruel and just selfish and nasty for no reason.

We've been off and on for decades! Do you hear me...   soo soo long and I had to figure out what in the hell is my problem this week.

So after visiting my T and reading a lot of soul searching books I understand now that I am very ill myself.  I mean, i knew this to a certain degree (I too have PTSD and an anxiety disorder not to mention a slew of physical problems from stress and the r/s) and I feel a kind of drug induced feeling when I talk to him.  As deadly as it is it is like a high from herion or something.  Morphine.  Whatever you can compare it with, it's real and it is powerful!

I mean at times when I am alone I get depressed and feel like I don't have a whole lot to look forward to in my life and it's just kind of boring and I haven't had boring in so many years so of course that isn't a good feeling for this adrenaline junkie! 

So once I get reconnected with ex and the issues start or he starts telling me how beautiful I am and how I am the best thing that has ever happened to him.  I'm pretty sure they all say the same thing... And then I get my fix and even start to perk up and feel like I even look better!

Yep, I feel all bright eyed and alive again.  Then the controlling starts or he too will cuss me out and get very loud or tell me how it's going to be and I think...   I am really crazy!  There is no way in hell that I can go back to that life.

And this time he told me to get lost and he was done even talking to me as a friend on the phone!  Thank goodness he did cuz I was allowingmyself to get vulnerable again and I have been trying to free myself from him for like 5 yrs now! Off and on and getting soo close and bam!~ He calls me and i'm right back in the same predicament but each time it's getting worse now.

It's hard to explain but if you haven't read Men who hate women and the women who love them and "Getting past your abusive past" I recommend you read them IMMEDIATELY friend.

I read your post and it was so close to what I experienced it helped me be even more determined to stay n/c and not go there!

I / YOU can do this...   We are worth more than this and it is our brain wanting that fix, that's mostly what this is about.  Conditioning our brain to feel certain endorphines from drama and abuse instead of from happy and healthy experiences and loving men.

Please know you are not alone and you deserve so much more.

even if he did call and promise to be in T for 5 yrs! It is only words and the proof is in the repeated past and that is who he is right now and may always be.

WE have settled for so long friend and we have to love ourselves more than that and be integrity keepers to ourselves first so others will love and respect us in return.   Please re-read your post and ask yourself... If my best friend was going thru this, what would I say to her?

You must learn to love yourself more than this rc and I am doing the same as we speak.  I just posted the exact same struggle 5 minutes before you did!

sending big hugs your way!

Hi again

Obviously I understand on one level why it is so hard to let go, the rejection is constant, interspersed with their great professions and words of utter love and idolisation, (but then they project that rejection onto you rejecting them!).

I just think how screwed up I must be, to be hoping still, after everything he has done to me, and said... (including trying to murder me, and physically assaulting me more than once).

Still blaming myself for my part in it all, wishing I could have been a saint, and never said hurtful stuff back, feeling like it is my fault he has rejected me once and for all.

I don't even understand what it is I hope/long for, since most of the relationship was 95% his consistent nastiness towards me, at a rate of every week for the past 3.5 years.

He always talked about "Remember when we first met, and you liked me and how nice it all was".

There is that 'fresh and new' they all long for, and chase their whole lives. He also kept saying how 'he just wanted a NICE friend to hang out with", someone who liked him, and was nice to him".

I told him that it is always like that when you meet someone new, and like most people you get to know, issues will come up the longer you know each other, adults can discuss and resolve these things, which keeps the 'like' and enjoyment between them. There went the blank look again... .

I think he resents me, because deep down, he knows I have seen the true him, and he has to avoid that, so he moves on to the next target, until they too get to see that side of him and run away... fast...

As I have recently found out, (and he often used to remind me) he was quite popular with women/people/friends when he was a lot younger, (him now 46, me 45). He had a lot of relationships with women, and today I found out that he had a lot of 'experiences with women' too.

He is quite charismatic, and blessed with intelligence, humour and the 'gift of the gab'. But those who meet him superficially, don't see the real side of him... Like I did.

As I remember, he was quite enthralled with his own genitals, loved any attention/praise I gave him about it, and admitted he was 'blessed' in that department. There was certainly a very egotistical side to him, and I often felt great pain that he checked out younger women wherever he went. But if guys so much as looked at me, he absolutely hated it, (and me too, like it was my fault).

One of his friends told me, that BP was always talking about how 'attractive' I am, how my legs look in shorts etc, how guys are always 'checking me out'. But quite honestly? I don't really care... . It isn't really about looks to me at all, sure I have to be attracted to someone, to have more than friendship, but whilst I appreciate looking good, I am not hung up on everyone noticing me...

I don't think I am any more special than other women, and certainly don't or am not on a huge ego trip about it all. Infact, the whole concept annoys me quite frankly... I get sick of guys checking me out, or ogling me...

I notice attractive men too, but I don't have to slobber over them, or keep trying to attract their attention or pop questions trying to find out if they are single or not.

I do like men, and am friendly to them, but I prefer not to have any more than friendship right now, anything else for the future just makes me sad.

Whilst I know that BP has been out there forever lining up his next target...

So rc24,

Have you read those books I mentioned?  It really goes beyond human reasoning as to why we would still even entertain thoughts of wanting any type of life that even remotely looks like any part of the past hell we've lived thru.

You say he almost murdered you and I too have had a few close calls with death myself and talk about an eye opener! As quick as it happened it conveniently was his word against mine that it even happened the way it did. You no, their version of events and then the truth of the matter. 

So what do we want at this point? More of the same? Just a place to vent?  What are your options here?

Continue to share what you need to and relive what you felt during those very painful times and the abuse against your d and sil and how that made you feel.  Do you have a journal of past events and all the horrible treatment you've lived with?

If not take some time and write down the pro's and con's of your mind thinking in this fashion.

If we feed our minds with hope and the good things then that is what we will feel but if we remind our minds about the reality of the hell we lived with it will be more inclined to protect us and think more rationally.

Right now the real important matters like your future happiness, your safety, your self respect and dignity, your peace of mind and your ability to have enough self control to stay n/c is the most important thing you can work towards.

Everything else considering what you've shared would be really counterproductive, don't ya think?

I don't care how in love his is with 'his stuff' .  LOL   Theres a well endowed man that can love you and make you feel like a lady and then there's just disrespect and making you feel like a piece of meat and a sex object without any respect or feelings of love and softness to help you feel what you need.   I know you understand what i'm saying here.  With his past personality so close to my ex I know how they can be when it comes to sex and what they want when they want it and it has absolutely NO regard for what we feel at the time, if we're tired or whatever...   they feel rejected if we arent ready to do backflips for them in that regard.

It just isn't normal to feel that this type of r/s is ok with us.  It is from years of reconditioning and telling ourselves that this isn't as bad as it is or making excuses or looking at our part of the problem taking on more blame than we should and it's just all crap really.

There is no reason for us to ever have to fight for our welfare or our safety and never should we be up against a wall where our life is concerned.  These things are soo contrary to the norm and we've allowed them to be part of our world and that has to change in how we view things.

That will obviously take more time and therapy and learning to respect ourselves more and understand what is acceptable and what isn't. 

And his behavior thus far is NOT anything that will help you in your mission to a better life.   Think it thru sister... please... . :)