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Title: Love mindset. Post by: dangoldfool on August 21, 2013, 07:36:33 AM From a mind set of love. Would future contact with the exBPD be a good idea?
At this point I’m doing the NC. But with this type of thinking. I’m have to sustain this angry mindset that says do not talk to this person, if you see this person walk away in an pissed off attitude. I’m not suggesting trying to re-ignite the relationship. I realize me and the ex don’t work together. We both have issues. I’m getting my issues worked on, and wanting to get to a point of a future healthy relationship. Why can’t a person answer a phone call when the ex is calling, and keep the conversation at a friendly level and not blaming the ex BPD? Why do I have to walk the other direction if at a store if I see the ex BPD, but instead exchange a simple hello? I understand some may say you will get recycled into the same trap. But if you have a mind set this person is never going to change. I don’t want them back. What is the harm in a friendly conversation, instead of having this pinned up negative energy? Title: Re: Love mindset. Post by: Blaise on August 21, 2013, 07:47:54 AM I do not think that NC is a must. NC is a protection. I do not have to force myself to be NC. I do it naturally, as a protection for myself because I know that I would suffer if I had contacts with my dBPDexGF. NC does also enable me to concentrate on my issues. I went NC naturally. I had a few contacts with her after we broke up and these contacts would not serve any purpose. They were way too emotional and to see my ex's indifference was worse than not seing her at all. I think that if things are clear in your mind and a friendship is possible, then there is no reason for you to be NC. To me, what should be avoided is NC out of the belief that our ex will miss us, will realize that they love us, etc. I did that after earlier breakups and we would simply recycle in a lot of emotions, without any of the fundamental reasons why the r/s did not work having changed.
NC is a shield, not a sword. Title: Re: Love mindset. Post by: duncanville1 on August 21, 2013, 10:15:07 AM I agree with Blaise, but also struggle with this concept currently. I tend to feel communication can solve most anything. In a relationship it is key. How can you mend anything until communication is regained? The other big question would be what you wish the future to hold. If you wish to recycle the relationship, then maybe communication should be established. If your out for good there is no reason to communicate. All that being said, for me the re-engagement is hell. We have a child together so sometime in the future we must communicate. For now I have chosen to go NC because even apart the ex is still manipulating me; driving me to a emotional hell.
Title: Re: Love mindset. Post by: seeking balance on August 21, 2013, 11:03:05 AM NC is a tool for US to detach and not reek havoc of our own on an already emotionally fragile person. It is for us to regroup, heal, learn the "why's" - but it is not designed as some punishment.
Anger is a valuable emotion for detaching, but the goal is really to get to indifference - the feeling of well, a distant memory - no overwhelming pain or happiness when you think about the ex. Choosing to be friendly with our expwBPD is a slippery slope mainly because of US, not them. They are who they are... . a pwBPD or strong enough BPD traits that you found yourself here. As such, radically accepting them is sometimes hard given the past hurts. If you are capable of staying detached, have clean and clear boundaries, understand and use the communication tools during triggers, able to recognize triggers, and truly accept it as a friendship without needing closure or much of anything - then there is no reason not to be friendly. I would say "hello" or nod if I ran across my ex in a store, not walk the other direction. I would NOT stop or ask "how are you" - or anything personal, that is a slippery slope for me. The thing is, they likely have not changed... . and we know from experience this means that their emotions tend to dictate their actions. There is going to be an emotional shift when you have a conversation, the possible BPD thought (unconscious) patterns that may occur: 1 - no change (unlikely, but possible) 2- you are now a resource for emotional support again 3- triangulation option to soothe anxiety from new life 4- guilt - may show up in anger towards you 5- idealization/mirroring back Again, expecting a pwBPD to be all the sudden not BPD just because you have decided you don't want a romantic relationship is unrealistic. For me, accepting the reality means that I don't have to be mean, but I certainly do not want to open any door for getting back on the chaos train, even as a friend. It just isn't worth it for me. It is for me and it is not done in anger any longer, it is just based on the facts is all. Good question! Title: Re: Love mindset. Post by: Lucky Jim on August 21, 2013, 11:09:21 AM Again, expecting a pwBPD to be all the sudden not BPD just because you have decided you don't want a romantic relationship is unrealistic. For me, accepting the reality means that I don't have to be mean, but I certainly do not want to open any door for getting back on the chaos train, even as a friend. It just isn't worth it for me.
You put that well, SB. A pwBPD represents a quagmire that is best avoided, in my view. No, the drama isn't worth it for me, either, on any level. Thanks! Lucky Jim |