BPDFamily.com

Validation is very important and makes my BPD H act up less frequently.

However, when he does... . validation doesnt work.

I would tell him that I care, I understand and sorry that he is feeling is such way. His response: " You always say you understand. You don't! Stop pretending you know. If you do, why do you always make me upset?"

What should I do?

I've gotten the "You don't understand so don't say that you do" statement too and when you think about it maybe you don't really understand because when I was saying it I didn't. It's more like I see that you are upset and I can understand how that could be upsetting to you. Instead of I understand why you are upset or I am sorry that you are upset. I'm not really sure how you are stating things but I think it's important not to tell them that you know what they feel because you don't really. I'm thinking you need to focus more on what you see or hear. You see or hear that he is upset or angry or sad, I have also figured out he doesn't like me to say I'm sorry he feels that way. He doesn't care if I am sorry for anything unless I am apologizing. So maybe try, it must be really hard to feel that way.

From time to time someone on this board posts a really good way of phrasing things and I keep a little notebook at work and write them down to read over. Just as a refresher because the more I see it the more likely I will remember it in the moment. 

I'm not a huge fan of the "I understand, you feel angry, etc. " method of validation unless it's really something I understand from personal experience.  Same goes for "I'm sorry you feel . . ." - it's too easily confused for an apology.

I prefer to say things like "You sound angry.  :)id something happen?"  It's less triggering.   :)

Also, you don't always have to validate.  If it isn't working, you can simply end the conversation or move on.