BPDFamily.com

Hey. I'm a 21 year old college student. I've known my mother has BPD for a few years now, but I've dealt with the consequences of it my entire life. She has always made me feel inadequate and unimportant, always punished me if I didn't do exactly as she wanted. Through my whole life, I never understood why my mother, the person who should take the best care of me and love me the most simply doesn't care at all. I've never felt as if I was a person with valid needs and that my feelings mattered; all that has ever mattered is what she wants. It's like I've lived my entire life for the singular purpose of catering to her needs, always sacrificing my own. I want so badly for her to be proud of me and love me, but nothing that I do ever seems to make a difference.

Last night we had a fight. I stood up to her about something fairly inconsequential and the fight completely escalated. By the end of it, she was just screaming "Get out, get out of my house." I'm safe, with my fiancee, but I'm completely terrified. I still can't let go of putting her needs before mine. I want to be out of her house, I'm happier here, but I'm so scared of what she will do. There's such so much I still don't understand. Anyone have any advice here?

Hi, curtainsforspain, and  *welcome*

I am truly sorry for the trauma you are dealing with regarding your relationship with your Mom... . You are so in the right place! There are many members here who know exactly what you have been going through and can commiserate with your situation. I'm very happy you have a safe haven with your fiancée, and that you are at least able to remove yourself from the abuse.

You are doing the right thing in seeking help; do you by any chance have a Therapist, or are you thinking of seeing one? Is your Mom actually diagnosed? Seeing a Therapist herself? I do have some information here that should be helpful for you:

Children of BPD Parents: Reclaiming Our Lost Selves (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118781.0)

Acceptance, when our parent has BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111415.0)

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61982)

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children (https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles8.htm)

I realize I've given you an awful lot to read here, but I think that it would be helpful for you to get a handle on what you've been dealing with, and also maybe be able to be centered for your new relationship with your fiancée. What do you think? I'm wondering what you are fearing from your Mom, now that you have removed yourself from her house? Please tell us more of what brought you here today, and let us know how we can guide you... . It really will help 

Dear curtainsforspain,

I so relate to the experience you shared here.  When I was in college and then graduate school and then choosing a life mate,  my uBPD mother often brought out her worst.  Any time that she felt me slipping out of her control, she was unconsolable, emotionally draining, demanding, and verbally abusive just to mention a few.  I was livid, horrified, shocked, and afraid.

All of the books suggested on this message board and website will validate that removing yourself from the situation when it was so volatile was the best thing to do.  You protected yourself and went to a safe, loving place.  Good for you.  The books will also tell you that changing the "game" with your BPD will be a bumpy ride at first.  It sounds like that is happening for you.  I'm sorry that it is so unsettling (that seems like too light a word to describe it- but it is all I can think of :)).  It doesn't mean you are making a mistake.  Rather, it means you are taking important steps and changing the rules in a way that will be better for you.  Take care of yourself during this bumpy time.  Stand your ground.  Have faith.  All the best to you!

Thank you both. These words of support are very uplifting. I'm very glad that I'm here. As for my mother's actual diagnoses, she has been told by a therapist that she is most likely suffering from BPD. However, as soon as that therapist told her this information, she denounced him and refused to ever see him again. She is thoroughly in denial.

In response to your other question Rapt Reader, I suppose I am just used to living in fear. I've never totally felt like she loves me, so I'm constantly afraid of upsetting her and risk losing more love from her. That's how she has kept me in check for so long. Every time I stand up for myself, she responds by emotionally blackmailing me. She is exceptionally talented at pulling exactly the right strings to make me feel like I'm being a terrible person, and, more importantly, a terrible son. So I guess I'm just locked into a mode of fear of her.

Again, thank you for your kind words. I've never been a part of one of these boards before, so thank you for the warm welcome.

Hi, again, curtainsforspain   

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0) board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey. 

I do think you will find it very helpful and insightful to check out the Healing Board, linked to above... . And remember to read the Suggested Reading and Lessons threads that are pinned to the top of that Board, and the Links to the right-hand side of the same page. I can tell you are ready to get a handle on this relationship with your Mom, and take my word for it: the sooner the better!

You are 21 and have a whole world of life before you, and it's so wonderful that you are finding out what actually has been going on with your Mom now~~not when you are so much older that you have a harder time of it. Learn how to understand your Mom's brain and how it works; learn how to communicate better with her so at least you can navigate the relationship without so much stress; and learn how to disentangle yourself from the trauma and confusion so you can free up your emotions and live a good life. You are engaged to a wonderful person who deserves a freed-up you, so the 2 of you can live happily. You don't have to cut your Mom off necessarily (I don't know her, so I won't make that judgment), but you do have to know how to handle her and be free to be yourself.

I think the things you will learn here will help you do all of that. And, when you are ready to post on the Healing Board linked to above, you will have many members who know just what you are saying and they will give you the advice, insights and support you need to be the 21 year old fiancée that you need to be. For you and for your loved one. You can do it! You came here, after all, and that was the first step to your freedom from fear, sadness, and entanglement... . Read, read, read, and continue asking questions; it helps!

hi curtainsforspain! 

I know what you're talking about, every time I would think I might just get something "right" in my mother's eyes, she'd move the goalpost! It's exhausting. You've found a great place to learn, to heal, to hear the stories of the many other members who have been where you are right now. And while it may seem chaotic at the moment (tho "unsettling" works too  ) it's just the beginning point where you're realizing it's been a dysfunctional ride and you want to get off!

Here's to learning and sharing and the whole crazy trip we are on as we support each other on the road to good mental health.  |iiii

df99