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Now that I am more and more aware of the impact of my uBPD mom's behavior, I find there are many triggers for feelings of grief and anger.

For example, I work in a university setting.  Today was "move-in day" on campus, so there were lots of families dropping their children off for college.  The parents were helping their kids and helping them get set up etc.  Some of my colleagues were reflecting on their experiences when they were young and started college.  This brought up feelings of sadness for me because my experience we the opposite:  I graduated early from high school to get away from home (things got way bad when I was a teenager), got myself registered at the nearby state school, got a job to pay for the tuition, and literally moved myself into the dorms that spring.  Alone.  Like my whole childhood.  I feel this same sadness every year when I see the students moving in.

I feel like there are many triggers like this.  Do they get easier?  How do other people handle this kind of thing?  I grieve every day that I didn't have a mother that I needed. 

Hi Finding Courage,

I'm sorry that you're having a tough time.  Triggers can sometimes come out of the blue and hit you, and that can be very upsetting. 

One thing that has helped me is to identify triggers and prepare for them (as much as I can). Birthdays and holidays are triggers for me, so now that I know that, I can anticipate them and deal with them. I know to practice good self-care (yoga is one thing that helps, and a good laugh with a friend always brightens my mood) during those times. Staying busy helps me too. I acknowledge the pain that can come with the trigger, but as I've developed better coping tactics, the pain that comes is much less severe.

It's very normal to be sad, angry, jealous, or all of the above when you see or hear about a loving supportive family, if that's not what you experienced. What can you do to self-soothe if/when you're feeling triggered?

Big hugs to you Finding Courage,

That is very normal to get triggered. It is important to recognize what your triggers are and then make a choice in how you want to handle it. It takes time to process things and come to a place of peace to where things that used to trigger me into a reaction no longer bother me. I have found therapy to be really helpful, but also I have learned to listen to what I need to do for me. If something is going to overwhelm me (usually anxiety or sadness) then I try to avoid it if possible.

It can feel really unfair to have to work through the grief and sadness but it is the only way to heal from what you have experienced.  It does take time, but as you move forward you will find that it does get easier.

Good luck to you.

~Bella