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Coffeeaddict here,

    I've been posting on here for years (off and on). I've gone from "staying and improving" to "undecided" to "leaving" and back again. I've finally made the solid decision to leave... . the date has been set.

    I've been married to my pwBPD for 16 hellish years. I've been battling on whether to stay or gone for at least 6-8 years (sad, I know), but there was always something to consider (the kids, my former career as a pastor, money, guilt, etc) but I finally came to the decision to leave.

    As with the rest of you I'm sure, my pwBPD was always said the worst, most aweful things to me... . attacking my character, calling me every name in the book, belittleing me, bullying, etc. But during this past month, she has statred to say things like "you should consider moving out", "you are the elephant in the room; you are the cause of our problems in this family", and "it's better when you aren't here." I have the feeling that she'd resort to calling the police to have me removed. So, even though she doesn't know it, I'm planning on moving out. She shouldn't be surprized, but she'll have into shock and will attack by all means necessary.

     The hard part is that I feel I must leave and be a safe distance away before she finds out that I'm gone. She has a history of destroying my things, verbally exploding, making threats of being physical and calling the police. My family is helping me a lot and making it all possible.

     Can any of you that have had to leave "in secret" give some insight? There are A LOT more details, but I need some help.

I understand she has a history of reacting violently so I strongly recommend you work with her to plan an amicable move-out.  Let it be her decision and her orders and you amicably follow them.  Next time she says the comments about you moving out, things better off without you, the elephant in the room comment, then just agree and say "Hey, what's next?  Let's plan this needed move I am to make in the way most favorable for our family."  Hopefully this works.  I understand BPD individuals are not as good at reasoning and rationalizing but maybe a little kindness will help and make it a mutual effort.

DetroitDame,

     Yeah, I understand, but I know her. It would just give her more time and opportunity to take me down. There is NO reasoning with her when she's hurt. We can't even agree on what to eat or what to watch with an arguement and her past behavior suggests that she's fake something (or try to "start something" and call the police. It happened to a friend of mine and he went to jail. Sorry, I soo wish I could just sit down with her and talk with her about it, but then again, I guess there won't be any issues at all if I could!

I can relate to your desire to want to "secretly" move out so as to not trigger her.  I also can see DetroitDame's point of working through an amicable departure plan with your pwBPD.

I have wanted to leave my uBPDh for many years but because of my own reasons (mainly having young kids) I decided to stick it out.  About 2-3 years ago I did tell H that I was seriously considering divorce.  He had been awful to me for a few months up to that point and I wanted to be done.  However, as soon as he found out I wanted to leave he LITERALLY clung to me like glue for an entire weekend.  I couldn't get away from him.  He was crying and begging and telling me how he would get better, etc.  I was seeing a T at the time and he even agreed to see one himself and started going.  I saw enough positive changes that I backed off of my decision to leave.

So now I want to leave again and I am petrified about how to handle the moments/days right after I tell him I don't want to be married anymore.  I don't want to have to pack up 3 kids and leave, but I realize I may have to do that.  I don't want to deal with the emotional mess that he will become, even though he knows we are in a very bad place right now and really should see this coming.  I don't know how we will split up all of our things and the prospect of having to go through that process almost literally makes me have an anxiety attack.  The lawyer I consulted with 3 years ago told me to withdraw half of our savings and put into my own account the day divorce papers are served.  If I do that (to protect myself and my best interests) will he see that as an act of war and ruin any chances of this being a remotely amicable split.

So I can see where you are torn and how you just want to secretly leave in the middle of the night, so to speak.  If your pwBPD is anything like mine, she talks a big game and may be telling you that you need to leave, but as soon as you say OK, I will leave then, she will cling to you like velcro.  I wrestle with this as well... . if you "agree" to her suggestion that she leave, then you are putting her in charge and giving her the impression that if she changes her mind and says she wants you to stay then you will stay.  So that is what I'm trying to figure out right now... . how I communicate that I no longer want to be married to him and not give him the impression that working things out is an option.  H and I had a conversation about a month ago that involved some talk of divorce.  When he would say something that might give the impression that he didn't want to be married anymore, I would say "well, maybe our best option is to separate so that we can find the person who is right for us"... . but every time I would say that he would immediately back off and try and rephrase so that it didn't sound like he really wanted to separate.

Are your kids still at home?  What will happen to them?  Are you willing to leave quietly in the night and if you do, how might that impact your rights to visitation, etc.  I would agree with DetroitDame that the best option would be to work things out for an amicable split.  The big question is whether that is a possibility in your situation.  You might also want to visit an attorney so you know how finances might be handled in that situation.  If you have kids, you may be able to slip away in the night but you are still forever tied to her so there is no avoiding the fact that you are going to have to face her several more times in your life. 

Javamom (nice username),

     Thanks for understanding. I agree that talking to about leaving and "doing the right thing" is best. But I can not underestimate what she'll do if I try to leave. She's not a "clinger" (in this situation at least... . ), she's a pusher. Bottomline is this: I'm 100% convinced that the police will be called and she'll try to have me arrested on false charges. Long story as to the details and I know that she'd be in the wrong, but I'm not willing to risk my kids seeing violent (even if not phyiscal) outburst and their dad in handcuffs. Sorry if I sound extreme, but I've been living with this for so long! She is in some sense "barking not biting" when she suggests I move out, but when she doesn't get the response she wants, she usually amps it up. She likes to bully and control and after 16 years, I'm done

haha... . I didn't catch that earlier.  I do love my coffee!  lol

I think it would be so much harder for a man married to a female pwBPD than the other way around.  I would say that men are usually believed last.  I believe my H's sister also has BPD and her common law husband has become an alcoholic and their 15-year old daughter has serious anxiety/mental issues.  I think SIL is probably abusive... . for sure verbally abusive and it wouldn't surprise me if she was also physically abusive.  I know her H doesn't know how to handle her - he seems to be a very nice and patient man.  He is physically smaller than her and also is hispanic so his english isn't the best although it has improved tremendously in the 15 years I have known him.  Her H doesn't want to leave because he doesn't want to leave DD with her but also can't cope with being with her which is why I think he has turned to drinking.  I'm sure she has threatened that he would never see their DD again, that she would get full custody, etc.  I think he's really stuck. 

I can really relate to and respect the fact that you've stayed so long.  Hopefully you are on good terms with your kids and splitting up won't negatively impact your future relationships with them.  If your wife is decent to the kids then I guess you wouldn't worry much about what would happen if you left them behind.  In that case, secretly leaving (like if they are away for a weekend or something) would probably be the best course of action.  I would worry a little bit about making sure the kids understand that your leaving has nothing to do with them and that you will always be there for them, etc.  I kind of wish my H would take on that role just once and tell me that he is done and wants a divorce.  But I know that won't happen and I'm going to have to own this one and do what's right for me.

Hope this all works out for you... . quickly.

Leaving a r/s or marriage to a pwBPD, secrecy and planning is sometimes needed to avoid false DV charges, cleaning out of bank accounts, maxing out credit cards, personal property being destroyed, taking children to unknown locations, etc.     

While it would be preferable to talk it out in an amicable adult manner, that rarely happens.  Your gut instinct is telling you that this is not going to be the safe route for you. 

I suggest you post a similar thread on the Legal Board https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0 for feedback on members who have been down this road. 

@JavaMom,

     Well, my kids are young and have special needs, so I can't really explain it to them. She is a good mom (although when I'm around, her mood swings and disrepect to me and putting me down in front of them is probably not so good), so no worries there. I stayed all these years (10+) because of the kids, but now that she's been saying I'm not a good dad, that they are happier when I'm not there and maybe I should leave? Yeah, I'm out! I'm a pretty involved father and tried all I could with my wife, but I just have no more blood to bleed out. She has always tried to use something to control me (career, sex or lack of, my family, my hobbies, friends, and now the kids) to control or punish me. And I've bled everytime. But you can only do that for so many years and I just don't even feel it anymore.


I can't (won't) leave until after Christmas. Makes me sad, but I have no more options!

Coffee,

I'm sorry for what you've endured, and I understand.  I had to leave in stealth mode too; I did so in February.  I received lots of amazing advice here that helped my muddled brain focus on what I needed to do.  I was a nervous wreck.  Here is the link to the thread - there might be some ideas that help you.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing -- it's hell, but it will get better.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=193737.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=193737.0)

So sorry you are in this mess.  Hopefully you can make a good escape without losing too much property.  Dealing is so hard, I just wish we had the answer!

Hi Coffeeaddict, I can relate to your situation and support your decision to move on.  I was married to my uBPDexW for 16 years and recently concluded our divorce this year after three years apart.  Much like you describe, my Ex bullied and verbally abused me, smashed personal property, punched a hole in the wall, broke down a door, threatened suicide multiple times, and would stalk me in our own home.  Not fun, believe me.  My Ex also "pretended" to call the Police on me several times, or threatened to do it other times, so I don't underestimate your concern about your W reporting you on false charges.  I came close to having it happen to me, I'm sure.

Will be happy to fill you in at greater length, but suffice to say I have been in your shoes, my friend, and think you are doing the right thing by making your escape plan.  It took friends and family to conduct an "intervention" on me in order to get me to see that it was time to move on after trying my best for so long.  It seems you have reached a similar point without such a dramatic measure, so I admire your resolve.

Hang in there,

Lucky Jim

What happens to the special needs kids? Who are they going to be with?

Thanks All,

     Some have asked about the kids. I believe they will have sufficient care from their mother (with enough financial support from me). Despite everything else, she does love them and is a good mom (apart from how she treats me) and I believe that it might even be better and less tense if I'm not there as a "trigger". It breaks my heart that I won't be there as much, but this is really out of my hands now.

    As far as property loss, I really don't care. I'm only taking my own personal things (clothes, car, some keepsakes, etc) and nothing else. I am aware from the outset the losing everything (my job, home, money, respect of friends who don't understand, closeness to my kids) is the price I pray for freedom. And if I won't pay now, it'll cost even more.

     If any of you would / could PM me regarding your actual plan (how did you leave, what steps, etc) that would be great. For me, my decision is made, but the "devil is in the details".

I am also interested in this information!

I am different in that I will/would be leaving WITH my kids so the logistics of actually getting H out of the house, or us out of the house are very tricky.  I can't just leave on a whim with 3 kids (and two cats)!  He could go to a hotel for a few days until he found a rental somewhere.  Not practical for me.  If H is willing to leave then my life will be much easier.  If he is not then I am faced with the problem of leaving myself or having to live with him until a divorce/legal separation is finalized.

A little advice that my lawyer gave me a few years ago when I met with her to discuss divorce.  H and I have a significant amount of money in savings and I am concerned about timing of telling him - do I tell him before or after I have seen the lawyer? Do I just have him served with papers?  If I give him any forewarning will he try and lock up our assets so that I have no access?  So, lawyer advised that I withdraw half of our money and start a new account on the day that he is served papers (I explained that money will be a huge issue for him - i.e. not wanting to give up any).  In your case, since you are planning on leaving without any warning you might want to do something similar so that you can make sure you have enough money to get you by in the interim.  Lawyer also pointed out that papers can be served for legal separation which would allow child support and initial splitting of immediate financial assets right away, so that both spouses have resources to live until the time the divorce is final.

While you think that it might be best for kids if you leave, you might want to talk to lawyer about how this might impact your future visitation rights for kids.  Just something you might want to consider before packing up and leaving. 

You also might want to think about things that your W will ask for, or want.  I do remember saying the same thing to my lawyer that I wasn't too concerned about the money side of things but she pointed out that it is important for me to get "my share" so that I can continue to take care of kids, etc.  She started down the road of talking about retirement accounts, and other long-term assets/investments.  I only point this out because you probably want to have an idea of what your wife (or her lawyer) might ask for so that you are prepared.  If you give up all of your personal assets when you vacate the home, you may at least want to have a list of what is there so that you can use that to "balance" out what your wife may get of your retirement, etc. 

But, anyone else reading this... . particularly women with kids leaving BPDh, I am curious to know how you handled logistics and if/how you got your H to leave the home or how you handled that situation.

What you're talking about doing is called abandoment. Don't think her attorney won't play that up in court to her maximum benefit,and you'll get to pay his fees to do so.You'll also get to maintain the household bills,house payment,child support,alimony,medical bills,etc.,,

Any chance she's making it tough on you to get you to leave,because that's what she wants?

Also,since we don't know each other here and it's an anonymous forum,are you seeing someone on the side now?

I am also interested in this information!

I am different in that I will/would be leaving WITH my kids so the logistics of actually getting H out of the house, or us out of the house are very tricky.  I can't just leave on a whim with 3 kids (and two cats)!  He could go to a hotel for a few days until he found a rental somewhere.  Not practical for me.  If H is willing to leave then my life will be much easier.  If he is not then I am faced with the problem of leaving myself or having to live with him until a divorce/legal separation is finalized.

A little advice that my lawyer gave me a few years ago when I met with her to discuss divorce.  H and I have a significant amount of money in savings and I am concerned about timing of telling him - do I tell him before or after I have seen the lawyer? Do I just have him served with papers?  If I give him any forewarning will he try and lock up our assets so that I have no access?  So, lawyer advised that I withdraw half of our money and start a new account on the day that he is served papers (I explained that money will be a huge issue for him - i.e. not wanting to give up any).  In your case, since you are planning on leaving without any warning you might want to do something similar so that you can make sure you have enough money to get you by in the interim.  Lawyer also pointed out that papers can be served for legal separation which would allow child support and initial splitting of immediate financial assets right away, so that both spouses have resources to live until the time the divorce is final.

While you think that it might be best for kids if you leave, you might want to talk to lawyer about how this might impact your future visitation rights for kids.  Just something you might want to consider before packing up and leaving. 

You also might want to think about things that your W will ask for, or want.  I do remember saying the same thing to my lawyer that I wasn't too concerned about the money side of things but she pointed out that it is important for me to get "my share" so that I can continue to take care of kids, etc.  She started down the road of talking about retirement accounts, and other long-term assets/investments.  I only point this out because you probably want to have an idea of what your wife (or her lawyer) might ask for so that you are prepared.  If you give up all of your personal assets when you vacate the home, you may at least want to have a list of what is there so that you can use that to "balance" out what your wife may get of your retirement, etc. 

But, anyone else reading this... . particularly women with kids leaving BPDh, I am curious to know how you handled logistics and if/how you got your H to leave the home or how you handled that situation.

    As far as property loss, I really don't care. I'm only taking my own personal things (clothes, car, some keepsakes, etc) and nothing else. I am aware from the outset the losing everything (my job, home, money, respect of friends who don't understand, closeness to my kids) is the price I pay for freedom. And if I won't pay now, it'll cost even more.

Hi Coffee, I like the way you put that.  In similar fashion, I left with my car, guitar and a change of clothes.  And I lost all of those things that you list: my income (from loss of clients), home, money, respect of friends who don't understand, closeness to my kids.  And I'm here to tell you that it was worth it to have my sanity back, and to regain peace in my life.  It's exciting to be starting my life over again, after hitting the reset button.  I am meeting women who are actually nice to me and treat me well (what a concept!).

Hang in there and keep strong,

Lucky Jim

Coffee, no matter what U.S. state you're in, you've got to consult an attorney in your jurisdiction before you move out of the marital home. You may be leaving for good-hearted reasons, but the law will not see it that way. A good family law attorney can guide you through the correct separation process.

Marbleloser,

       I live here in the South. I talked with an attorney at length as to my plans. It's worth noting that I will be leaving the same day as divorce papers are served. I'll be assuming all debt, taking next to nothing from the home, leaving the bank accounts untouched and taking my name off, leaving a significant amount of cash to help during the transition, as well as the first of what will be regular checks for her to live off, even before anything is officially established with the courts (in regards to cs and allimony). I've set up a new budget for her with the expenses adjusted expenses (without debt). The budget would only require her to work very part-time and at that there should be enough money to float for a couple of months while she gets settled. This will all be spelled out in a packet the I'll leave at the house. This is why I can't leave for another 5 months! I'll double check again before I leave to make sure I'm not doing anything that I'll get in trouble for, but I honesty do want to do all I can to make sure they'll be ok.

     It's also worth noting that she has, on several occasions, suggested that I leave, move out, find other living arrangements, that it's better when I'm not there, etc, etc. Just sayin'

And no, I'm NOT seeing anyone on the side! Going to move in with my family.

Coffeeadict

I can only underline what others said: Having a plan, a strategie is very important. Including practical and legal questions!

I can remember well when atcrossroad did it in February. And it worked!

Surina,

    Thank u for the insight. So what was "atcrossroads" method plan? I can't find the link. My plan is still being worked out and I have the time, so now is when I can change it if I need to. Any further help would be great! Thank u!

Good going, coffee.  |iiii You'll find additional practical advice for each step of the process from the good folks who post on the "Family Law, Separating, etc." board on this forum.

It was this post:

Oh yes, I did read (and will now re read) this post. I'm in a slightly different situation since I'm the h and we have kids, but again I'll do everything I can to prepare ahead of time. I'm working on a "household manual" of sorts for her, with instructions, directions, and information on everything. I work fulltime, pay the bills, do all home maintanance and lawncare, more than half the housework, deal with doctors, drive them to anything that's more than a mile away... . it's been a double edged sword... . doing everything so that she'll not be "overwhelmed" and now having to prepare her to take over. Lots of little details. I honestly do desire to make it as easy as I can for her and want to give her everything I can or think that she'll want even before asked. I don't want to fight over any detail. If she wants something, she can have it. And within reason, I'll pay whatever I need to for support. All I want is my freedom (and my underwear, etc)

Yes, with kids I think it is even more important to have a plan and being well informed about all the legal questions.

And with kids you can perhaps go away in stealth mode. Later however you have to deal with her in some ways... .

Just thinking loud: What about not going in stealth mode but with support of your family? Eg. your father or brother are there when you are moving or whatever is to do in front of her?

Yeah, I know I'll have to deal with her in the future, it's just the initial split that has me worried. She (like so many pwBPD) are prone to extreme dramatics in order to maintain control. It's an option to leave "in the open" with family members there, but my plan is to have 95% of what I'm taking already out of the home (in storage) for safe keeping. These items will also be itemized and a list given to her so that there's no question. Saying that to say that I won't need to have family witnesses there as support to get my stuff, just would be there when I tell her what's going on (I'm leaving, d papers are on the way, here's some instructions and money-as previously discribed) and to say goodbye. BUT, I know for 100% that she WILL call the police. I know that I've done nothing wrong, but I don't want false allegations to land me in handcuffs as they are trying to find out. It would not surprize me if she hit herself and then blamed me for it. But if I'm already gone and am 300 miles away before she knows what's going on, it's a little harder (I would think) to claim something. Idk, am I overthinking this?

Ok.Usually when someone is ready to leave everything,they have their eye on greener pastures.

Good for you!

I'm in the south too,and I can tell you,if you leave,even after having her served,that's abandonment.You need to consult with a few more attorneys.Also,keep a digital voice recorder on you at ALL times when in the home.That will help you fight any false charges.

Your attorney telling you start paying her,without a court order,tells me he may not be very good.The reason being,without a court order,any money you give her will be considered a gift.You won't get credit for it and if she's asks for back support,you'll still have to pay it.So,NO MONEY to her without a judge signed court order.NOTHING.You'll be paying soon enough and you're going to need money for legal fees.

Marbleloser,

     Sorry if I come off a little frustrated, but how does one in my situation leave without it being considered "abandonment"? Surely there is some way to do it otherwise I'd be considered a prisioner!

I think she will always consider it abandonment and FOG you.  That is why you are already struggling with it now. 

Did you try your best?  Did you work on yourself?  Did you think this through for a long time?  Most likely the answers are yes.  What you choose is to attempt to have a life.  You are choosing to be healthy.  From your perspective it's not abandonment.  It's an impossible situation that you can't live in any longer. 

Ok everyone, I need some help/insight here,

       I am done with the marriage and will leave, but I need some help as to how and when so that I don't screw it up. In talking with some of you, it seems that I can't simple file and walk away peacefully. I wasn't going to divorce on "grounds" because, idk, sounds too complicated and messy; hard to prove.

       But I'm wondering if the only way I can leave is to file on grounds of "inhuman treatment" and perhaps (ironically) "abandonment". I KNOW my reality these past years. I know she's the one saying to leave, the one saying that "you don't have a spouse, you're not married" the one calling me gay, stupid, mocking me while in bed, destroying family keepsakes, never initiating sexual relations and always coming up with one more reason why not or saying I need to work harder to get back into her good graces, mocking my efforts to improve the marriage (I tried the "Love Dare" and she threw it back in my face and said I "didn't do it right", saying I'm spiritually dark, not a good father, not a good man, suggesting I sleep with my mom for money to pay off bills, calling me on many, many occasions a heartless, souless a+@a# in front of the kids... . - could go on and on. BUT, is this all considered enough for "grounds"? Do I have to be cruely beaten like a dog before I have a case? This is just nuts! HELP

Do you need grounds to file for divorce?  How much would it help?  Many states are No Fault states.  However it might give you an edge, a local experienced attorney would be able to comment on local or state nuances.  If it were me, I'd do it.

Meanwhile, as preparation, I suggest you record some of the conflict if only to prove you're not the one misbehaving or acting unreasonably.  (In my case I did it to lessen the risk of arrest on false allegations, I saw recording as a form of insurance, my special Avoid Jail card.)  Although some states do restrict recording, (1) there are so many types of recording devices out there that enforcement is impractical and only a very few members have ever reported legal problems for doing so.  While it may or may not be admissible in court - and fr most of us it seldom is used in court - it may help the police, evaluators and other professionals to decide who is the one misbehaving and most important it will help us targets feel less vulnerable to have some evidence to back up what we say and report.

Also, make copies - or secure the originals - of as many documents as you can and keep them in a safe place your spouse can't guess, access or break into.  Think passports, birth certificates, SSN cards, licenses, account statements (or at least the company names and account numbers for later subpoena), deeds, titles, etc.  Very seldom can you 'force' compliance and disclosure later, better to quietly gather the information before separation if possible.  Don't forget the various emotionally connected items too, the photos, albums, videos and mementos that would likely disappear later, etc.  Don't worry if you take too much, you know that if court tells you to return some things, you would comply, however if your stbEx had possession, compliance and enforcement would be a very iffy situation.

You really will get a great deal of help from those who have experienced separation and divorce from a pwPD on the Legal Issues/Separation/Divorce board.

I hate to say this, because it sounds crazy and petty (although that's the kind of behavior you end up experiencing with a pwPD), but even preparing a notebook telling her how to do all the tasks that need to be done could backfire on you -- she could use it to claim "Look at what he expects me to do that I never had to do before," and it could trigger a rage. Now that's not rational, we know -- she should have been taking on her share of the household responsibilities all along -- but if her thinking is skewed, she will see it as "proof" of your abandonment, your "cruel" behavior, your belief that she is incompetent, etc. etc. etc.  You might hold off and share after the separation, after she can accept it in more of the spirit in which you prepared it.

" Sorry if I come off a little frustrated, but how does one in my situation leave without it being considered "abandonment"? Surely there is some way to do it otherwise I'd be considered a prisioner!"

You don't. You stay in the home until you're either required to leave by court order,she's required to leave,or you stick it out during the divorce.It's a difficult thing to do,but it's doable.Many men/women before you have.

You stay for the kids if nothing else.They need a stable parent,right? If you leave,you'll be sending a message to the judge that your stbxw is perfectly capable of having sole custody of the kids and that you're interested more in yourself than your kids.

Appearances mean alot in court.It doesn't matter if you've been the greatest dad ever for years,if you walk away,you're abandoning them.

What if,during one of her tirades,you record it and call the police for domestic violence?You then ask the court for a protection from abuse order based on her antics while the children are around.Don't bait her into something like this,but if she's throwing things and yelling,you have a case for domestic abuse.You then serve her with divorce papers after she's removed from the home. You need a gameplan or else you'll be playing catch up during the entire divorce proceedings.

Hi Coffee, Divorce varies considerably from state to state and much of the commentary here may be inapplicable, depending on your jurisdiction.  My suggestion is for you to retain a divorce attorney who can walk you through the process in your particular court system.  I find your efforts so far quite reasonable so keep on your path.  You deserve to be happy.

Hang in there, Lucky Jim

As others have suggested, get a good handle on how divorce works in your area.  Some attorneys will do a free consultant, or a small fee for an 30 minute consult. 


You mentioned that she would do her level best to have you arrested for false DV.  She might also try to accuse you of abusing the children.  She is already calling you a bad Dad in front of the children.  She is clearly not taking their feelings into account and a high percentage of pwBPD will use the kids to retaliate--either by making false allegations, through parental alienation syndrome (PAS), or blocking parenting time.

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy is a good resource.

Divorce is difficult under the best of circumstances. When your spouse has borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), or is manipulative, divorcing can be especially complicated. While people with these tendencies may initially appear convincing and even charming to lawyers and judges, you know better—many of these “persuasive blamers” leverage false accusations, attempt to manipulate others, launch verbal and physical attacks, and do everything they can to get their way.

Splitting is your legal and psychological guide to safely navigating a high-conflict divorce from an unpredictable spouse. Written by Bill Eddy, a family lawyer, therapist, and divorce mediator, and Randi Kreger, coauthor of the BPD classic Stop Walking on Eggshells, this book includes all of the critical information you need to work through the process of divorce in an emotionally balanced, productive way.

Turn to this guide to help you:

    Predict what your spouse may do or say in court

    Take control of your case with assertiveness and strategic thinking

    Choose a lawyer who understands your case

    Learn how e-mails and social networking can be used against you

If she is a good mom and has BPD, she might be the first ever. Also, demeaning you in front of the kids? Not a good mother. As you get some distance and heal from the awful abuse you've endured, you may see her parenting differently. I agree with marbleloser that if you leave the kids behind, her L will treat it as abandonment (not abandonment of her, but of the kids). You could lose full custody when you have every right to have them at least 50/50.

I'm going to tell you what I did, in detail, but first, before I do that, please know that you will get better when you leave. Your thinking will change. You'll get healthier. And you don't want to do anything right now (while you're weak) that will narrow your chances to get a fair deal in court. Right now, you are thinking like someone who has been beaten down and a bad deal you make now could affect you for decades. Fine if you want to walk away, but do it with as much information from as many Ls as you can afford to consult with. I highly recommend you go see another L because whoever you're seeing is not looking out for you -- either that or you are hella stubborn. At least pay $50 or so to get a second consultation. Tell them your goal is to leave and you want to know what is fair in the eyes of the law. You want a relationship with your kids. Then decide what to do. A good L would read your plan and push back on you, and explain that you aren't taking care of yourself -- and isn't that what this chapter of your life is about? It is not uncommon for some Ls to escalate conflict and make things unnecessarily adversarial. But a good L will, at the very least, object to watching you disrespect yourself this way.

I had to leave secretly. I spent a year planning.

I consulted with two Ls, was in therapy (because someone needs to check your thinking if you're codependent), and had 3 friends who were exceptionally helpful.

Made plans with one of those friends to stay there if N/BPDx became violent. I had a key to her home.

I opened a separate bank account in my name only and began putting funds in it. I got a credit card in my name only.

Bought a pre-paid phone that I used only to talk to my L with. I suspected my ex of tracking me on my phone (which he did, through Google Latitude). I kept my safety phone outside, somewhere safe -- N/BPDx used to lock me out of the house.

I got a storage locker and began moving things there that I didn't want him to destroy. I also put extra clothes, important documents, anything I might need if I had to flee quickly.

I made a safety plan if something happened at night -- that's when things were worse. I also made a safety plan for day. Where I would go, what I would do first, etc.

I kept a log of everything that happened for 6 months, including the nights N/BPDx drank, what medication he took, how he behaved, dates/times when he raged, etc.

I knew my son was going to need therapy, so I got N/BPDx to agree to let him see a T prior to leaving. Admittedly, I used semi-false pretenses (as though I was the cause of S12's problems) to get N/BPDx to agree. Hugely important.

I hid a copy of keys to the house and car outside, as well as a small amount of cash and a credit card (N/BPDx was in the habit of hiding my purse and locking me out of the house).

I also talked to the family specialist at my son's school, and let her know that there was going to be a big transition at some point, and what resources were available for him.

I backed-up all files on my computer, put it all on an external hard drive, and removed anything I didn't want easily found (although N/BPDx has computer skills, and could retrieve that data if he needed. Nothing was too important, though).

I planned to move out while N/BPDx was at a conference out of town. My parents were flying out to help me move. N/BPDx became suspicious of me on a Friday and froze all my credit cards without telling me. One of the credit card companies alerted me.

I left work, went to pick up S12 from school, talked to him with the family specialist and told him calmly that my job was to keep him safe and I could not do that any longer. I took him to my friend's house, then went to the DV shelter to talk about a restraining order. Decided to not do that, and then went to the apartment I was going to rent to see if I could get in a week early. I used my new credit card to pay for the first month's rent, etc. so N/BPDx could not locate me through credit card transactions or bank account. I called the phone company and blocked access so he could not retrieve information about my calls from our bill, and I got a new phone. I called the police to get domestic assistance and had them stand by at the house while I gathered up some belongings for S12. They wouldn't let me take my dog  :'(  because she was considered marital property, but they did let me take my belongings and S12's. I also took half of our savings out of our joint account.

I contacted N/BPDx that night, per my L's advice, to tell him that I was ending the marriage, that S12 was safe with me, and that he could talk to S12, but that we would not be disclosing where we lived. Two weeks after I left, I rented a moving truck. While N/BPDx was at work, I went back into the home and took about 1/4 of the furniture, all of S12's belongings, anything that was mine going into the marriage, the marital computer, and I took my dog.

There was no punishment for doing this -- it's so standard that the moving guys knew exactly what I was doing. It just worked out in the financial settlement.

There's a few more details that are probably more specific to my case, but that's the gist. I really hope you have a therapist, or get one. No one should do this kind of thing alone. You need an angel on your shoulder.

I don't need to wish you the best, because I know it's coming. Leaving that environment was an eye-opener to growth and strength I didn't even know was possible.







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Hello again, Coffee,

Almost everything you mentioned as having happened in your marriage happened in my marriage, too, in slightly different form, so you are not alone, believe me.  It takes a toll on one's self-esteem, I know.  I thought I was strong enough and resilient enough, and dedicated enough, to weather the BPD storm, but eventually I collapsed under the weight of the stress.   There's nothing valiant about destroying oneself, I learned, so I think you're doing the right thing for yourself and your children.  Lucky Jim

Livednlearned - what an amazing and inspiring story!  Thank you for sharing -- I think many of the finer details you thought of will be a huge help to others.  WAY TO GO!   :)

Coffee - it's all about planning, you are right. It took me about 3 years to exit properly, and the anger and destruction that I had to fight was overwhelming and at times, life threatening.

Even though BPD/Nxh had left the marital home and demanded divorce for around 4 years, citing that we were no longer married according to him anyway, having new partners and abandoning us for weeks at a time, when I handed him the divorce papers that he had signed willingly the night before, he went crazy.

You are right to be cautious and calculated about your departure. I wish I had more of a record of abuse. Until things went crazy, I had never called the police and just cleaned up the mess and got things back to normal each time. He tried to point the finger at me and alleged that I was alienating him from the kids, had ruined his life and his career, stalked and attacked his girlfriend, and was enough to have me arrested etc etc. I had recorded conversations and emails so I was not charged, but it was enough to shake me to my core.

In the end, I realised I couldn't play 'nice' any longer. It became totally about protecting me and the kids and I learnt (the hard way) that his responses and actions were his to own, and I could only control myself and my actions. I cancelled his access to my bank account and had the locks changed to the house, but he broke in anyway, repeatedly.

As LnL said, you should get your ducks in order and try to cover as many bases as possible.

It is true that when you are a battered partner, be it male or female, you have been conditioned over many years to take less than you deserve to keep the peace and probably because your self esteem is so low that you don't think you deserve any better? Please seek further legal advice about property, shared or full custody, child support payments and marital debt. Anything you do to help her will most likely not be received in the genuine way it was intended and is most likely not fair anyway.

You can't treat this as a standard divorce with amicable arrangements, it won't happen. There is no way to prevent the fall out and no way to predict the behaviors with certainty.

Don't worry about the time it takes to leave properly, keep focused on the end-point and the extra few months will not even be noticed when you've made it. This is a time when the grass truly is greener on the other side 

Livednlearned, yes thank you for sharing.  I can see the benefit of planning carefully and putting your safety first.  If you don't mind my asking but I see a lot of controlling behavior that your now ex was trying to keep you trapped in the abuse. Is that a correct interpretation?  And how did you break yourself free from your own negative thinking to become healthier?

Kormila and all,

      First of all, a big thank you for all your help and insights. Keep them coming! :) I do want to respond to some of your concerns about my desire to just "lose everything" and walk away. I do see how it could be seen as me being "beaten down" and not feeling like I desire any better. But to me, it has more to do with the following:

        1. I'm not losing anything that isn't already dead or dying anyway.

        2. I (at this point after years of decline) don't have anything anyway that

            Is worth fighting for.

        3. 95% of everything "we" have is really more hers anyway or is

            So associated with her that I wouldn't want it.

        4. I genuinely WANT to make this as easy as possible for her, both in terms

            Finances and possessions. Money that is given even before the

            Court orders it is so that they can keep living. I don't really care

            It "doesn't count" or will be mocked by her, or that... . etc. Bottomline

            Is that I have been the breadwinner for the home and I have a

            Personal responsibility to do what I can until she gets on her feet

            And more permanent $ support arrangements are made. Money is

            Money and she'll need it to support her and the kids.

So don't worry guys, my self esteem is fully intact (which is why I now have the courage to leave). As Dory from "Finding Nemo" would say, "it's time to let go!"

Do you mean controlling behavior in terms of how I planned to leave?

I think I understand your question. I did score a little higher on "demanding parent" than I'd like to admit in the Schema test, so you got me on that one.

Sometimes these kinds of questions (clashes?) happen on the family law board when threads start on other boards and get moved here. I can see how someone on Staying or Undecided might find my post controlling. People here on family law tend to have harrowing stories about BPD r/s, compounded by harrowing stories of family court. Until you have walked in these shoes, you cannot imagine the hell of court. Unless your circumstances have changed from what is posted on your profile, it looks like you haven't been through a BPD divorce with kids involved. If that's accurate, then it helps me understand better where you're coming from.

Coffeeaddict, so as not to hijack your post, back to you:

Where I'm coming from, court gives us no luxury to make codependent mistakes. Many of us are at our most fragile point right before we file -- we hire Ls with narcissistic traits, we let Ls push us around, we don't assert ourselves, we get intimidated by the system and are so worn down by abuse, we give up and give in. By the time many of us have started recovery and gotten our strength back, we have signed documents that can be next to impossible to undo. My son was suicidal at age 8 because of his N/BPD father's abuse. Those documents can be high stakes.

You have a journey ahead that people on the family law have particular experience with. In my experience, what comes during divorce is different than what came before. I ended up getting sole custody of my son and I attribute that ruling to the priceless support and advice that people here gave me, some of it very blunt, most of it highly strategic, all of it extremely helpful. I count this board as one of life's greatest blessings.

Big hug to you as you move forward with your life. Take care of yourself -- I'll be thinking about you. 

No, I meant your ex was a controlling person.  And he controlled you by making it difficult to leave peacefully or to make you stay in the abusive situation.  Many people suffer for years after such and experience and aren't able to change themselves.  How did you change yourself.  I realize you say you went to a T.  Many people go to a T for years with no real results.  So what is it that get a person to having positive change? 

Ok, oops! I misunderstood your post.  

Do you mean going to T while staying in the BPD r/s? Or after?

I don't really know what helps someone make a positive change.  

Leaving was the first step.

I was really, really motivated to help S12 become emotionally healthy. I had to figure that out for myself in order to model it for him.

I leaned so far into the pain I was horizontal.

Didn't get involved in a serious r/s for 2 years.

Had an excellent T who really pushed me. I did most everything she recommended I do, even though I hated it and it hurt.

I read books and tried things recommended, even if it was uncomfortable.

Looking back, one of the sneaky defenses I had is that I always believed no one really knew what I was going through. No one understood how hard it was to leave, or stay, or have a kid like mine, or have a family like mine, or have my challenges. Best thing I did was to take in the advice people gave me. They could see my situation way more clearly than I could.

We can be our own worst enemies.

I agree we can be our own worst enemy.  Would you give a couple of examples of what you did that were so difficult for you? 

Leaving in secret can be done. And sometimes it is the only way.

For years we have screamed each other you get out, no you get out! But although the house is registered in my name for tax reasons, his father built it, and I felt he needed to stay there more than me... .

I tried to write that I wanted to separate but he would not talk about it just told me to f off and he hated me. World war three would have started in front of the children if I had given him warning.

I packed two suitcases and went to a hotel residence while the kids were at school. Picked them up and took them there that evening. And here I am 10 months later about to move to a real rented house. Still caught up in drama ... . see my other posts... . But I have my safe refuge and am slowly and surely detaching from him... . The kids see us both about half and half, and are starting to come to terms with it.

I lied to an old b/f that I reconnected with, and T said I needed to tell him I lied. So I did.

I am dating a guy now that has a different political orientation than me. To everyone but him, I expressed discomfort, so T said I needed to talk to new guy and tell him how I felt. Did that too.

I was upset with my L during mediation, but didn't confront her about it. T said I needed to tell her how I was feeling, so I did.

A lot of stuff she encouraged me to do was about stuff at work, with my supervisor.

Not sure what other Ts are like, but mine is very action-oriented. I hated the exercises she gave me -- so stressful. But I kept surviving them! And then feeling good after the ordeals were over, almost cathartic.

When you flee a r/s like many of us do, I think the growth is double-edged. I grew because I did something difficult -- I left a scary and abusive r/s. But in BPD r/s, you often don't get the growth that comes from asserting yourself directly. Everyone in my life agrees that I left the correct way, which was secretly. It would have been far more dangerous and legally difficult if I tipped my hand.

A lot of us don't end our r/s being able to resolve them in healthy ways, so T kinda helped me with the stuff I hadn't healed.