BPDFamily.com

From: BPD: Sex, Love and War

www.sexloveandwar.blogspot.com/2010/12/BPD-just-dumped-me-what-do-i-do.html

1. This has nothing to do with you. They are sick and you cannot help them.

2. This is the greatest day of your life. You just don't know it yet.

3. You are much stronger then they are in every way.

4. Even if you've humiliated yourself. They still can't win.

5. In my experience with 3 BPD's, none have kept a relationship. They left a trail of train wrecks.

6. The new guy/girl is going to suffer this too. Guaranteed.

7. This has nothing to do with your money, physical appearance or personality.

8. Don't try to understand mental illness.

9. You are going to look back someday and thank God this happened. Guaranteed.

10. You didn't do anything wrong.

11. You used to love being single before. You will again.

12. Your real soul mate is still searching for you and they are awesome.

13. I love you man... .

14. You will heal. They will not.

15. If you feel the need to help, donate your time and money to abused children.

16. Adults are responsible for there actions. Child molesters were victims too once.

17. You are going to win this war. You already did.

18. Deep down they know they're not good enough for you.

19. Be proud of yourself. Honesty, truthfulness and loyalty are to be admired.

20. No contact is the key to healing now.

21. You just unloaded a huge problem on some sucker... . FACT.

22. YOUR MISSION NOW IS TO GET BACK TO YOU. Anyway you look at it. Moving on helps you achieve your goal. Remember that confident guy/girl she couldn't resist. The guy/girl that laughed her/him right out of her pants. That's who you still are. You just trusted a loser and that happens to everyone. That's her/his shame not yours. Her/His loss too. Oh it's so their loss it's not even funny.

Couldn't of said it better! Awesome. |iiii

Great post! 

And also remember that YOU are worth it.  YOU deserve better.

And no one gets to cross your boundaries again !

This is such a good post... . My Ex BPD tried to make money an issue it was one of the hardest things for me to let go of because i did do everything for her financially. I'll just assume she was mirroring herself onto me then if thats correct

Thank you LoneWolf. Excellent list.

This one especially lifted me tonight:

Great post!

It's the greatest day of your life - you can sometimes make it a good day in their life too, but the odds are overwhelmingly against that - check the Staying board

Ask yourself this: who fell in love and out of love in a short period of time? Whoever it is, odds are they are BPD and you aren't.  

If you're the one who is still in love, you may have a chance to get them back but it's a lot of work. Most people calibrate their love slowly over the course of a relationship through a series of trusting events.  BPDs have no calibration. They will go straight to the most trusting event you can imagine - wedding, home purchase, child birth - and flake out right there with no warning. (Though there are usually a few warning signs, not always)

You'll start to notice though that people's life stories reflect the BPD.  I dated one girl who was slightly BPD, married once, and then she told me "oh I was actually married one other time for a couple days before I got it annulled in Vegas".   Wasn't really annulled, and was totally BPD.

Continually embrace the newfound freedom and opportunities that await us.

There are lots of wonderful joyful experiences to be had so reach out with

both hands and live life for all it worth. Lets fill our lives' to full & overflowing

& let the good time roll

The past is exactly that - gone!

Hurray

Preach! BPDers aren't built for heavy, responsible moments. When I was dating my uBPDbf, even when things were on a high and we seemed to be connecting well and he was talking marriage, kids. I had a recurring nagging thought, that I never shared with anyone: I actually wondered whether he would show up for our own wedding if we got that far.

He demonstrated enough BS to cast doubt on our r/s.

We didn't even make it to an engagement, but it really says something when you wonder if the person you believe you love has it in him to follow through on the actual marriage.

Great post!  Thanks!  Going to print it to pull out and read when/if needed.

Awesome! Thanks for posting this lone wolf!

I got family court with STBX uBPDw tomorrow and this helps!

Hi lonewolf

The guy/girl that laughed her/him right out of her pants. That's who you still are. You just trusted a loser and that happens to everyone. That's her/his shame not yours. Her/His loss too. Oh it's so their loss it's not even funny.



Great, uplifting post!  Just the kind of good medicine thats needed.  Thank


|iiii

thanks for taking the time to post all of this... . great thing to look back on... . and most importantly focus on yourself!

Deleted, Mindful Man, Snappafcw, Peas, ThanksForPlaying, WXYZ, Lady31, Bananas, Mutt, DaningInTheDark and Vindi:

Thanks so much for your positive responses to this post. I actually took them from another site so I can't take credit for anything. I'm thoroughly glad you all got something out of it and I'll be sure I follow Lady31's lead and print it also. Mutt, good luck with everything. Please keep us posted.

WE ALL WILL GET THROUGH THIS BECAUSE WE'RE ALL FEELING THE SAME THING AND WE WON'T LET ANYONE LOSE TOUCH WITH THEMSELVES! WE WILL PREVAIL!

(https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/images/mb/factorlegend.gif)

With the intent to planting a seed in everyone who is reading this, I'm going to challenge this list of "wisdoms".  

This list was written by a blogger (see blog (http://www.sexloveandwar.blogspot.com/2010/12/BPD-just-dumped-me-what-do-i-do.html)) who states:


This guy was really hurt and has been blogging about his loss since 2010.  He posted the following in May, 2013 -  30 months after the entry above:


So is this a list of wisdoms.  Has it helped anyone heal? Move on? Is anyone celebrating being "dumped" as the greatest day of their life (the breakup)?  

I don't see this list (or these types of things) as a guide to healing.  It seems more like a map to dysfunctional coping.

In fairness to the blogger, he's cathartically blogging - good for him.  We're the ones that have held this up as a "Things You Need To Know".

---

OK, Lonewolf, you're the OP, so I'll use you as an example, but only in the interest of reaching out to everyone - please don't take any of this as criticism - many of us have walked this path.

The list says: This has nothing to do with you. You didn't do anything wrong.  You just trusted a loser and that happens to everyone. That's her/his shame not yours. Her/His loss too.  Be proud of yourself. Honesty, truthfulness and loyalty are to be admired.

Doesn't it have everything to do with us?  The guy that wrote the list had 3 BPD partners. What is the statistical chance of that?   LoneWolf768, you walked away from this girl in short order in 2009 because of the huge red flags and got back in in 2012 - married, underemployed, bizarre behavior on the first date, hyper-sexual. What were the chances this was going to go well?



The list says: Even if you've humiliated yourself. They still can't win. In my experience with 3 BPD's, none have kept a relationship. They left a trail of train wrecks. You are much stronger then they are in every way.  You will heal. They will not.  You are going to win this war. You already did.  :)eep down they know they're not good enough for you.  Oh it's so their loss it's not even funny.  You just unloaded a huge problem on some sucker... . FACT.  The new guy/girl is going to suffer this too. Guaranteed.



War? We will "win" because a mentally ill person will fail?  

If the new guy is a sucker and failure is guaranteed, what does this say about us. Did we face the same.

Now, truthfully,  we all think about this - a lot.  Everyone has these thoughts.  

But is this type of guide what we want to use to sort out this fear? Or is this guide feeding this fear?  Should our success be predicated on their life?  Are we afraid to face (or too egotistical to face) that we weren't the best partners, ourselves?  

Do we lose if they have a successful relationship?   :)



The list says: Adults are responsible for their actions. Child molesters were victims too once.

OK.  Good.  But don't we want a guide that encourages us apply this to our lives (taking responsibility) - not theirs (judging)... .

The list says You are going to look back someday and thank God this happened. Guaranteed. This is the greatest day of your life. You just don't know it yet.

We will survive.  We will come to learn something form this if we are smart.  Greatest day in our life - hardly - having wisdom teeth pulled was a better day.

The list says If you feel the need to help, donate your time and money to abused children.  Your real soul mate is still searching for you and they are awesome. YOUR MISSION NOW IS TO GET BACK TO YOU. Anyway you look at it. Moving on helps you achieve your goal. Remember that confident guy/girl she couldn't resist. The guy/girl that laughed her/him right out of her pants. That's who you still are.  

Finally.   71 words out of 1,000 in the post  :)

I know the pain. I struggled here as "skippy" the broken hearted for a year.  When we are downtrodden, we reach for crutches to help us build back our self esteem - recover from the incredibly difficult task of being evacuated by a person we love.

But not all crutches help us upward.  The obviously bad ones like getting drunk are easy to see and avoid.  Even rebound relationships are easy to see.  But the one thing that is often hard to see, especially when we are feeling down, is junk psychology.

We can't heal by climbing up the back of someone else - proclaiming them to be the loser and ourselves the victor.

We heal by understanding our own role in our pain, and change it.

It's really not that hard to do, but we have to get past our own fears and ego to do it.  

That part is hard.

In the wisdom I've gained by working through the pain... . I've learned there really is only 1 thing you need to know:

If you don't resolve your own issues, your past mistakes will become your destiny.

Lists are nice and they help us to vent, however, now it's time to turn the corner and take responsibility for the choices we've made and take control of the life we choose to live.

tailspin

Skip, while I enjoyed reading your critical analysis of the list, I think you are taking it a little too seriously and should maybe give readers more credit for identifying it as nothing other than shallow information to help someone feel better after a BPD r/s. However, Lonewolf should have attributed the source when first sharing. 

I know that list is not an authority on healing, but I got a kick out of reading. It was a pep talk. It resonated with my feelings in where I am right now in my healing from a BPD b/u two months ago. I am getting therapy and working on bigger issues, but I am also allowing myself to NOT forgive my ex anytime soon. And yes, part of me wants him to be the loser. Those feelings may be negative and inappropriate, but they are real and I'm dealing with them.

I know I had a part to play in the r/s -- a big part that I carry some guilt about. But after what my ex said and did to me, mentally ill alcoholic or not, I am reserving some space for anger and resentment right now. It will fade eventually.

PwBPD make us feel so low, sometimes we need a little shot of something, like that list, to alleviate the extended sorrow we feel and to take a break from the heavier work we are doing to repair the damage to our souls.

Thanks LoneWolf768!

The Caseflow Conference was short and is adjourned until Sept 17th. I'm canadian so the terms may be different than the US. I left it and said I'm looking for a lawyer. She showed her cards with her L and it was weak IMO.

I especially like this in this list.

21. You just unloaded a huge problem on some sucker... . FACT.

My stbxBPDw was a huge problem and POSOM took her off of my hands. I didn't have the courage to exit a marriage when I was truly unhappy and I stayed in something that I should of had the cajones to cut off a long time ago.

Take the list for what it is. Take what you want from it that helps, if you don't like it then leave it. I saved it on my phone and when I feel anxious, frustrated or ruminating. I read it and it helps me. Speaking for myself, it's been the best inspirational piece I've read since my wife left impulsively for POSOM. I'm starting to see the sun rays through the grey clouds in the aftermath of a confusing and soul sucking r/s.

Thank you Mutt! Glad things are looking up for you, if even somewhat, for the moment. Yes, the list was posted as a pep talk or a 'shot, as peas puts it. Those are great ways to put it. Thank you both for recognizing it as such!

I'm not going to dignify anything else posted with responses except to say... .

Everyone has their interpretations, versions, angles, etc. of the list I posted except every time I read it I feel like a boxer who is getting some encouragement from his corner man. That's MY barometer!

Have a great weekend, everyone!