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I know exactly why I keep longing for my dBPDexgf -- it felt safe, because it felt just like home.

Just like with my mother, I thought she would give me affection and validation if I was good enough, if I could help her. So I kept being there and I kept trying, kept trying to improve myself.

And I just behaved like my father, being passive, unable to stand for myself, tolerating the insults and the disrespect.

It's just so difficult to get rid of this shema, which feels so safe because we are used to it. So difficult to love ourselves.

It's a long road, Blaise, but really worth it. I can relate to what you wrote.  We are all looking for that safe, loving person who will make us feel like we are okay. 

Only we can do it for ourselves, no one else can.    That's been a hard lesson for me, and with therapy and reading and this site, I'm learning how.  Boundaries have been an important step for me, and I am actually enjoying practicing the new behavior.

What are you doing differently now?

That is some deep and painful insight, Blaise.  I can relate to what you are feeling.  I also agree that it is difficult to get rid of our schemas.  But it is not impossible.  We have to retrain ourselves.  Behavior modification.  I have to take small steps at a time. 

What do you think it feels like to be true to yourself?  To be you?  Not to be who you think someone else wants you to be, but you.  Think about that, and think about how you can accomplish that.  I am doing the same thing.  I know it requires patience and gentleness with myself, but I am worth it.  And so are you.

The hardest part for me is I have no idea who I am. I have spent so much of my life trying to be what and who everyone else wanted me to be that I have no idea who I am. On the journey to finding myself I get scared... . What if I don't like myself?  What if I turn out to be a loser?  There are so many "what ifs"  It is the scariest road I have ever traveled. I find it more frightening than my relationship with my ex BPD. Crazy!

In the movie Runaway Bride, Julia Roberts is all about pleasing her partner and not knowing what she really likes.  There is a scene where Richard Gere asks her what is her favorite way to have eggs, she can't answer because her favorite eggs are whatever her man at the time likes as his favorite.  Then it shows her with plates around filled with all the different ways you can make eggs and she is sampling each one to decide which is her favorite. 

Finding yourself is sort of the same thing, trying things and deciding what you like and what you don't like for yourself. Unconditionally, without condemnation.  Those critical thoughts come in, fight them the same way if someone you love is being put down.  "Hey, you can't think that way about me, I'm not that bad, sheesh, give me a break."  That sort of thing, retrain your thoughts to acceptance and love versus put downs. 

It is a long and very lonely road at times

Yes, it is, WillTimeHeal.  I've been feeling many of those same feelings. 

But I also thought of this wise saying, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step."

Hugs to you WillTimeHeal, you are among folks that understand, hang in there! 

There were times when I thought this is just the way it's supposed to be. Messed up, painful, tripping over shadows, trying hard to keep being there for everybody else. When you look in the mirror and that's what you see, it makes you not want to look into mirrors for a while, but it also wakes you up. If you're still open enough to it. If you have a heart, which a lot of people do. That childhood taste can nag at you, make you sick, and leave you staring off in wonder, also, because like all of life there's a mix of everything all rolled up together, and what are we going to do about it? You can't just say well ok I'm not that kid anymore I'm this grown up responsible whatever I am, but then again you kind of can. So we scrape away at the old layers, soaking in what is good for us, and when we're breathing in and out, from here on out, it's better than it used to be.