BPDFamily.com

Do we keep repeating the same situations?

I had a destructive relationship with someone before who might had BP, but maybe also something else. He was very abusive with strong up and downs, with cheating on me, confessing, being overly jealous, controlling. When he left me, I was devastated, but at the same time deep in my heart - was glad that it was he who did it and now I am safe.

He was my first love and my first man.

Ten years I was avoiding overly emotional guys, who are lost in their own needs, wants and dreams... .

And now again I found someone with undiagnosed BPD, but fitting into the description one to one... . I do not know whether he behaved like this because of his drinking habits and sex addiction (diagnosed) or it was just because he struggles with BPD... .   The weird feeling is that I repeated my first story: after he left me I was and am still very devastated and sad, but on the other hand I have this worm in me saying that this was the only way to be safe... . So why do I repeat it all over again?

I want to find answers why I  became drawn again to the same type: an emotional love and hate confessor who can easily leave me for someone or something else... . and why it took me so many times in both cases to recycle... .

One, dated her twice... . once in twenties, once again in late forties... always a mistake. :'(

Had a gal that had some PD or other... not sure which, when I was in my 30's... wild sex... was all red-flag , and she married  a guy right after I broke it off... . put lighter fluid on him in bed and set him on fire when mad at him... . he was okay, dropped her and she declared she was a lesbian and moved in with a gal after that... heard no more... . think I made the right decision getting out.

Been attracted to a few that I suspect were BPD... project manager at work... , cute,  lot of sparks/lot of  red-flag . She was kicked off project at insistence of customer ... . as they thought she was nuts.

Honestly I think it could have been as many as the last 4 as i have massive abandonment issues because of my poor upbringing. But thanks to this community I'm better educated on how to protect myself... . I would say 2 of my exes were the angry type and the other two the passive aggressive including my most recent.

I would say that my exH was the only one that was BPD.  I'm 33 and only had about 4 long term relationships, but dated men in between.  None that I could tell had BPD traits, but then I didn't get really close to or personal with the men I dated that I was not in a serious relationship with, so who knows.  I don't remember any of them acting really nuts other than an episode here or there.

However - I dated emotionally unavailable men mostly I think.  Obviously this is what I was "comfortable" with or what was familiar to me.

I personally believe that the core issue with BPD is not abandonment, but REJECTION.  They fear abandonment because it = rejection/unlovable.

I believe that that has been my OWN fear/issue as well and very well may be the same issue of many who stay in BPD relationships.

Interesting how both sides of the relationship then would have the same core fear, but develop different ways they cope.  Some cling and put up with way too much crap and get abused and walked on (the nons) and others, well... . look more like BPD.

So in conclusion - I didn't date others with BPD, BUT - I did chose unhealthy or unavailable partners because of that same core issue in me.  If I date unavailable men, then they don't really try to get too close - you can't really be rejected by someone who isn't that close to you or doesn't know you.

I'm currently working on this fear.  I hate it, as it leaves you very lonely.  I feel I am a pretty attractive female, and I have made the mistake over the years growing up of associating my value with that and my performance.  Somewhere along the way I adopted that equation to love.  I have absolutely NO problem drawing men - it's the after part I get terrified by and usually don't attempt to take things too deep.  This may sound weird and I hope not shallow in any way (odd that I only hold myself to that equation of love - not the men I date nor other women) but when I see other women who on the looks scale are average or below average and they are in a great relationship I am envious!  I think it is probably easier for them to develop relationships and not worry about this as much as perhaps you focus on the other things you have to offer MORE if you are not as gifted in the looks department?  (Of course this could be a totally delusional assessment.) A much healthier place to be obviously.  I hope this doesn’t sound completely shallow – I’m trying to convey this thought process the best I can.  As I stated before, I don’t hold OTHER people to this perfection standard nor do I see others’ value in their looks or performance.  I’m working on figuring out why I struggle with doing that to myself so much.  I think a lot of it is because I attract a lot of men for that very reason – Looks and my accomplishments or a combination of the two.  They put you on this pedestal you know at some point you will fall from. (Or in reality, maybe it’s me putting myself on that impossible tightrope.)

So, even without dating other BPDs, I see that there is a core motivator for being with my exH BPD that has also been present in other relationships.  And that core motivator is much more clear, but learning to & working on breaking that is where the work comes in.

happylogist

I believe we are drawn to people within are own emotional/ vibrational level. If we are un-healthy in an emotional way, we are attracted to that same type person, as it feels comfortable to us. If you find your self in this predicament. Best start looking at yourself. Or your likely to get another dancing partner, with similar two left feet. :)

This is my first BPD... . prior to that I had three very classic NPD partners... . not any better

Just had the one... . so far

Hope to goodness never again  :)

So I am not the only one    I do hope those were the last ones for all of us.

dangoldfool,

Yes, this is why I started thinking about it... . I feel sometimes that the way I had my first relationship,  which was so emotionally intense, taught me wrong lessons - I am not normal anymore, after having roller-coaster relationships that were soo bad for me, I am not very well adapted to r/s with nons where it seems that they don't love me after spending a long time, I confuse stability with boredom and having no interest.  But also - this applies to hate or dislike.

I believe that there are people-targets, who are for some reasons (childhood, adulthood) are drawn to a certain type of interaction... .

Just one. The other relationships i had when i look at them, didnt continue again after they ended. Start to finish. No cycle. No flip flopping of feelings.

Yea just the one BPDer, but two I'd say where a bit "wild"... . but no BPD traits really, just kept me on my ruddy toes

|iiii So so true!

I was always drawn to dysfunction. I have dated at least 2 Borderlines and 1 Narcissist - apparently I like a challenge however with time I realized I was avoiding all my own issues to save another. Well that didn't work very well.

I came from a dysfunctional home life and as dangoldfool alluded to - it felt all too comfortable and normal. I am rebuilding a new normal now.

Two. And a really tragic r/s in the middle.

The next one will be healthy.

Just one. Up until this point I've been lucky and dated almost all nice ladies. I guess I was due!

This was my second one i've recently been discarded from.  I am most definitely focusing on myself now and working out why I keep drawing these kind of people into my life. 

Before I even met my ex BPD/Npd sex addict fiance:

#1) Married 13yrs to a difficult man. I don't think he was disordered but he was from Morocco, short tempered and had strong views that clashed with mine.  I understand his now Moroccan wife (step mom to my kids) and he argue all the time. But I think a lot of that was cultural, and that he was simply a difficult person.

#2)OMG--this was the one that had my heart racing when he walked into a room.  An honest to god Schizoid Narcissist!  I was in awe.  He believed he would play a part in the end of the world.  I was going to 'be there' for him when it didn't happen. UGH! 1.5 yrs.

#3) A very very nice man!  But also very depressed, but also very obsessed about some things.  He thought he was only depressed, but was diagnosed as Bi-Polar type 2 (mostly depression with fits of hypomania... not quite the high of mania but close).  1yr

#4) Again a very very nice man!  Fun, eccentric, artistic... .relationship for 2.5 years. The final 6 or 9 months he joined a kabalah cult, and then ended up having a manic break. Disappeared, found him wandering downtown shirtless and barefoot preaching Kabalah in a psychotic state.  He was Bi Polar type 1, mania only. I had no clue the entire time... .but he knew and his family knew he'd been hospitalized before for the imbalance.  I ended up petitioning for his commitment, he broke up with me in the locked down mental health ward.  BUT we are still good friends to this day.  AND, I believe he was hypomanic when we met and the couple of years leading up to his break.  When he's stabalized, he isn't the same person I fell in love with.  Odd.

THEN... .well, this last one.

Even before I met my last experiment in the DSM disorders, I used to laugh and say I was a beackoning rod for mental illness.  It isn't so funny anymore. 

On the bright side, I can spot some things a lot more quickly.  I really don't want to go through the entire DSM before I get it right so I'm taking a huge break from relationships until I can trust myself to make wise and healthy choices.

The list of BPD partners reminds me of something my friends/family used to speculate about;

Did I attract crazy people... .or normal people who I drove crazy?

That question came up because my r/s seemed to spiral in to the women acting pretty nutty. I think I got on the last nerve of the ones that were not disordered, and at least 2 were disordered ... one BPD, not sure what the other was. But the answer to the speculation was BOTH.

:)

I have dated 2 narcissists, 1 borderline and 1 sociopath... all of whom I thought I could help/fix... .codependent much?

3 Borderline GFs. All met at my place of work... .A hotel. My first relationship... I fell hard. She was my introduction to the push pull cycle... and my intro to BPD  through her i found this site. I loved her. She ran away. My next was a brief dating thing,,,nothing too serious. when i told her about BPD number one she exclaimed " someone told me I have that" soon after that comment... the red flags were flying high. I abandoned that. my current BPD... .she was/is stealthy... .and I dIdnt quickly see the traits immediately. she started absolutely normal... .and slowly the characteristics began. push pull... .crazy making behavior... loves me today,,,hates you tomorrow,,,etc... very sexual... .on and on.

I feel they choose me. I am respected at my job and am well known for being well liked and helping people... .co-depency!

Prince Charming was my one and only partner with BPD. I was married once before for 10 years- I don't think he had any mental issues, he was just an a$s.  Most all the other ones were either normal, or the bad ones quickly weeded out- you know, you go on two or three dates and say "hmmm, something just ain't right with this one."

As for why we chose each other- I know I'm supposed to give some sort of happy BPD/codep/fixer answer, but it just isn't there. I fell for him because he seemed very mature, stable, tender-hearted, intelligent, and secure. He probably picked me - well, who wouldn't? I am just THAT amazing!  :)  But I also know he has a serious Knight In Shining Armor complex, and he probably thought I was needing rescuing. (Single mom, recently divorced, financially struggling)... .I also think I lost some of my appeal when it turned out I wasn't nearly as needy and dependent as he had hoped for.

Getting into a BPD relationship is not so much the issue. We don't always know initially what someone is like - the issue lies in the reason why we stay when the dysfunction happens - this is what we need to be accountable for.