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Not sure how to explain this or if Im using the correct words here, but, most of my

life, I have taken people at face value and been too trusting, not really questioning

them and basically accepted alot of crappy behaviour, even when, deep down, I knew

they were being disrespectful to me.

Probably because I did not have much in the way of self esteem?  Especially regarding

romantic r/s's, what is and is not acceptable.

Call me slow, I did encounter some learning difficulties during school, Im not sure, but

when I eventually GET IT, I GET IT, if that makes sense?

I have accepted that the exbf was just mirroring me.  There was no real love on his part.

He appeared loving, only because that is what I gave him.  I love and care very deeply.

Sorry, I am not blowing my own trumpet here.  All this has just hit me today.

Its a revelation :)

In my next r/s, I will avoid someone if they tell me they love too early on.

I do not want someone who is materialistic or a bully to me or my children.

Who hides me from his family and friends and is not ashamed to be seen with me.

Is not passive-aggressive and witholding physical affection.

I do not want to have to make an appointment to visit or see them.

I will not put up with anyone who show a complete disregard to my family.

They must be kind to my animals.

I do not want anyone who wants to have sex with other women while in a r/s with me.

And I will not tolerate a guy who has multiple accounts on dating websites.

The exbf exhibited all of the above all the time I was with him, and I am furious with

myself for putting up with it all.

Great insight here dancing!  I was mad at myself too.  Once I got past the fear of letting the marriage go and accepted that I would probably have to go through a divorce and came to terms with that, I was a little pissed at myself!

I wanted to sit myself down and give myself a piece of my own mind, lol - which I did - and then decided to cut myself a break and forgive myself.  I have to do that frequently as thoughts will still come up that "I can't believe I put up with that!", "I look like such a fool for doing that!", "What in the SAM H is wrong with you Lady?" etc.  Was mad at myself because my exH was abusive and disrespectful because I ALLOWED him to be.

Now that I am in a little healthier place I get some of the vengeful thoughts like - "Oh honey, I WISH YOU WOULD try to call me or email with that pathetic crap now.  You ever been to reality?  Well come on, I'll take you on a trip there with me!  Can you handle it?  CAN YOU HANDLE IT?"  LOLOL.

Of course - when I DO get the occasional texts or whatever about how hard it is for him with the business now that I am gone (I GAVE it to him and walked away just like he WANTED.) or with all the other horrible events that keep going wrong in his life that he tells me about - I never respond this way.  In those moments I feel sorry for him.  And even after all he's done, it hurts my heart to see him hurting.

I think the key here is making a choice not to stay stuck.  Making a choice to forgive yourself and them.  And as the negative thoughts come up, constantly release and forgive yourself and him.  Otherwise it will make you bitter and broken. 

Me personally - I'm striving for loving, peaceful and WHOLE! 

Lady31  Me personally - I'm striving for loving, peaceful and WHOLE!


Me to, and I hope to get there real soon 

I'm also struggling with this part. 6 months on I was doing so well and now 8 months on I'm going backwards... . Forgiving my ex is the easy part... . I don't know how to be kind to myself my worth is at rock bottom.

snappafcw 

You are worth it, much more than you think 

And so are you :) Thanks its a nice thing for you to say 

dancing, you and I seem so much alike! 

i feel the same way, like just the past week or so... . I GET IT!  i feel good and it feels really weird, i was so used to feeling crappy for so long after the breakup, and then before that I think I was in a constant state of anxiety from the walking on eggshells for years. 

it feels so weird, like i am feeling myself again, but i am so not used to it that i am expecting it to go away.  i sure hope it doesn't... .  

i am very happy to read your post.  but don't be mad at yourself, celebrate what you have learned!

Excellent observations!  Wonderful post!  I will be coming back to this one to read it again.

Thanks!

Bananas, I am starting to see the light, might change my username  lol

Glad to hear you are doing ok  |iiii