BPDFamily.com

I am not sure if this is a common thing or I should be associating with my suspected BPD spouse. (my friend said I should never frame him BPD if he has never gotten a proper diagnosis from the professional)

Anyway, I want to know if it is normal for someone with BPD to not have sex interest after kids. It's not like I have gain 30lbs after giving birth! I am back to my shape when we married. Well, it's not that we never have sex... . just being the one to initiate everytime. A lot of times, he doesn't even like to be touched. And no intimacy before and after sex... . he said I am too needy. It's not like I am asking to have sex everyday, just maybe once every week or two and we are in mid 30s.

And everytime when we do have sex, he will ask me if he could get another man to have sex with me so he can watch. And if I say no, sometimes he may stop having sex with me immediately. I totally cannot understand this. I am not someone that can just have sex with anyone... . it takes me a lot of time/trust to get into it. And he is my H, why is he not protecting me from other men?

Hey there,

I think that you can safely call your spouse BPD if you see the symptoms.  There are many of us here whose spouses are not diagnosed.  Regardless of whether your layman diagnosis is accurate... . the tools work well for other mental illness and even communication with "regular" people.  :)  We promise not to tell if you got it wrong.  lol

BPDs are all individuals about sex.  Some are over the top (sexual addiction... . want it non-stop), some are cold and have trouble with intimacy of any sort.  Some view having children as an impediment to sex (husband feels neglected because mom now has to worry about children's needs as well as husbands... . abandonment sort of thing)... . some view introduction of kids as completing a need for family (my husband became more secure once we had our son).

My husband and I didn't have any issue after having children... . but that's just us.  He figured it would be less of a reason for me to leave him (constant abandonment fears in our house).

I think your issues may just be normal couple stuff (except that obviously your husband doesn't have normal communication/ coping tools).  Its not that your husband necessarily wants you to go out and have sex with another man while he watches (... . in fact that would probably make him pretty mad if you showed up one day after work with another man... . he might but he might just want to have a fantasy).  He may just be getting bored with the vanilla stuff.  He may be looking for the more carnal side of sexuality and he's trying to get something else going (as in even a little excitement naughtiness) by just talking about it.  I wonder if you could 'humor him' in a way that doesn't violate your own morals and values to see where it goes and see if he opens up.

My husband certainly has fantasies that cross my own moral willingness but I have found ways to incorporate them at home/ in our bed without anyone else involved.  It requires a lot of trust to explore these areas but opening up to his needs and wants may be very rewarding even in your normal non-sex life :)

Hope this helps.  Sorry for the x rated post lol

I don't have kids. The reason being once i figure our life was not the most stable i refused to bring them ito it. That said my wife and I have gone through various stages in the relam of this topic. After we got married adn she began showing more and more freaquent sings of BPD to me she didn't want to have sex. And the rare 1 time every month or 2 was about the norm for several years.

Reasoning was that I must be thinking of someone else during sex.

Recently it has been more frequent. However now instead of the worry about someone else on my mind it is that I am just using her. She gets really insecure afterwords. And now has suggested it be every day to make sure I do not stray away.  A couple weeks ago I apreantly tunred her down as I was so tired I don't even remember her mentioning it. She was of course upset saying I never want to be close anymore and don't love her. I am a man and I should want it 24/7.

My wife has BPD.  In the last 3 years, sex has become very infrequent (4-5 times per year).   She wants nothing to do with me.  She has started having lesbian fantansies.  I doubt she would actually have a real lesbian affair but not wanting me really hurts.  I recently read a paper that 65% of borderlines have problems with intimacy.   I'm frustrated as well but don't look for things to get better.   You have my deepest sympathy and I wish you the best.  Nice to know I am not alone with this issue

Could be this "other man" stuff is being brought in and may be used against you.

Starts as his fantasy and ends up being seen as you who introduced the idea. It could be flipped over as your idea and adds to his insecurity.

My wife loved sex, me too. Then it became really quite selfish and was a bit of a turn off. This compounded the problem.

Tricky subject.

Good luck