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Title: UDBPD Mother - Making contact after NC for over a year and guilt Post by: Pipper99 on August 26, 2013, 09:09:24 PM I've been NC over a year and its been the most enlightling year of my life, however not easy. My mother did so many things and said so many things that I don't know if I can ever forgive.
She is reaching out to me, with a "stop on by if you don't have plans". to me and my husband. It stirs up all kinds of guilt for me, because I know I can't and I won't. I know the request is only for her, she really doesn't care about us, just wants to manipulate and get into our lives again for her own benefit. Theres a part of me that thinks oh maybe she's sorry, maybe she's changed. But than I remember I went back and back to her and thought that over the years and it only got worse. This is the first time in my life that I was strong enough to walk away, to stand up for the mistreatment. But theres a part of me that wants to believe she really does care, or maybe will change. I know I can never have a relationship, if she got treatment we could open the door, but that's highly unlikely. I find myself in this predicament often, hoping maybe she didn't mean to do all those things, maybe she's sorry... than I realize she isn't capable of any of this. Its a painful pill to swallow, one that I am not alone in I know. Title: Re: UDBPD Mother - Making contact after NC for over a year and guilt Post by: Bella Storm on August 26, 2013, 10:56:46 PM Hi Pipper99,
It sounds like the past year has been drama free and wonderful. With a borderline parent, we are often made to feel guilty if we don't do what they want, because we have been placed in a position of needing to take care of them (where they should be taking care of us). At least, that is how my uBPD mom is- and she won't get treatment either. My perspective on mental illness is slightly different because I am raising a child (adopted) who has many mental health conditions that are quite severe at times (reactive attachment disorder- RAD, and bipolar disorder). I have learned that although the behavior is horrific, the intent behind the behavior is not something she is consciously aware of. I like to think of it as the person has a bad behavior monster suit on and the "real" person is locked up deep underneath it. When the mental illness is mild, the "real" person is able to put the monster suit away for a time, or if the suit gets put on it doesn't stay on for long. However, when the illness is more severe, the person doesn't realize they are wearing the monster suit- but that doesn't make much of a difference to you when the monster is ripping you apart. (Or at least that is my experience. It can feel deliberate and malicious) All moms love their children, but not all of them have parenting skills or are in a mental state to where they can raise children in a loving and nurturing way. If your mom is able to get help, then it is possible for the monster suit to not get worn and you might be able to have a more loving relationship with her. It sounds like you have done good to set up boundaries. |iiii There will be all sorts of manipulative behavior to guilt you into doing what your mom wants, and I bet it is overwhelming at times, but you are seeing through it all and doing what is best for you. Stay strong and good luck to you. ~Bella Title: Re: UDBPD Mother - Making contact after NC for over a year and guilt Post by: GeekyGirl on August 27, 2013, 04:00:15 PM Hi Pipper,
It can be very unsettling when you feel like someone's trying to push your boundaries. I don't blame you for putting your guard up, given your history with your mother. What do you want to do when it comes to visiting your mother? It's a very painful pill to swallow, for sure, knowing that our mothers are disordered and won't likely seek treatment. The upside, though, is that you do have some say in what happens from here, which can feel very empowering. |