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The first time i was in a relationship with my exUBPDgf... . one of the earliest things she told me was "I need you to be strong. I need you to reign me in when i get out of hand."... . This was way before i even knew anything about BPD and thought her odd behaviors she had exhibited even when i was just friends with her were due to personality quirks with her.

I was so wrong.

When she told me that line, i remember thinking, "What does she mean by that? Why would she want me to control her... . This isnt my responsibility... . A la she is an adult and i shouldnt have to curb you"... . I asked her at that time, what do you mean by that... . Her response... . "You just need to be strong." And changed the subject.

It didnt dawn on me until she first raged at me during first time devaluation phase started.

She was aware of her behavior.

When she came back to me 3 months later... . She repeated that line to me.

I said, "i shouldnt have to do that."

She remained silent.

I was never able to reign her in. My personality is not equipped for that.

It was a forewarning of what was in store for me.

Idealize. Devalue. Discard. Again and again. I tumble still.

Hey ironman, igot a pre warning too. There was a poem she would repeat where it essentially says "when I'm good I can be really good, but when I'm bad I can be horrid." and that was something she said her grandma would tell her when she was little. Also My ex said once "I always ruin my relationships." I just shrugged it off like you did.

My ex also warned me the closer a guy gets to her the more she pushes them away... . But assured me i was different  red-flag

Mine didn't warn me about the hell our r/s was, but she warned me about the divorce: years ago, years before our separation she warned me by telling me that if we would go through divorce she would make my life miserable.

Nice to see, that there's at least one thing she didn't lie about. 

Better to see, that allthough she is trying her best, she isn't succeeding. 

My ex also mentioned about a month in she was arranged married 3 years ago (vietmanese) and that even her last boyfriend didn't know but she only met her husband twice and it was to get him into the country... . she never brought it up again i dunno why i didn't run there and then... . stupid... .

When I think back to early days I was given a view veiled warnings... .

"I always made friends & boyfriends easily but couldn't keep them"

"I'm bad to the bone & can't help it"

"I can't let people in because they won't like what they see"

"I won't be like anyone else you ever dated"

So incredible to think I didn't realize the significance of a new partner telling me stuff like that! I heard her say all those things in the first few months. 

Ironman,

Were you stronger or firmer with her second time around?

Jolly green,

I can imagine how haunting it must have been to link that poem she told you with her actions afterwards. Sad and horrifying. I am sorry you experienced that.

Snap,

My ex also said something similar to what yours said. Closer she let someone get, the harder she would push them away. Did we date the same woman?

Very scared,

That is truly horrible of her to say to you. She was aware of her behavior. I am so sorry.


Moonie,

Wow, mine told me the same bottom 2 things you quoted. The words echo in my mind.

I was firmer with her in the beginning of 2nd time. I tried to establish boundaries. After 3 months of NC after she left me the first time, when she came back, as I was letting her back in, but in a controlled way(was telling her "let me digest all of this", she immediately was calling me "baby" and what not. As if those 3 months never happened, her raging towards me before  left me never happened, her horrible behavior towards me never happened. Almost like she didn't skip a beat. I remember telling her, "you can't call me that yet."... . Her reaction was almost like a child where you have taken their toy away. My boundaries didn't hold up at all. She seemed to grow in power as soon as I fully let her back in. I couldn't exert any of that initial power I had up until that point. Literally. I knew what was in store for me at that point. It was only a matter of time. I watched it all unfold. Exactly as described on these boards. I never felt more powerless and helpless in my life. I had let her back in. I no longer trust my own judgment.

As a result, I tumble still.

this post made me think back and i was warned also, just didnt know it. Mine told me " you have to be a strong man to love me" and "my daddy always said I was to hard on men" and " im not good in a relationship i never wanted one but with you im diffrent" and " i love you because you call me out on my BS and thats what I need" and " i dont lie I just dont tell the whole truth" that was my favorite. Of course everything she told me came to light and when I did call her out on her bs she called me to controlling  and said I acted just like her daddy. But the kicker on that one was in the earlier stages of the relationship being like her daddy was a plus according to her.

so I was warned just didnt see it.

I had SO many warnings.  She told me many times about all the men she dated and how they were "everywhere" and there was always a potential to run into them or they might show up at her house.  She told me her previous ex "knew that he never really had her", but that I was so different and she was true to me.  She said she liked that I called her out on her BS too, of course that was conditional.   Everytime we broke up, there was another "man" or "opportunity" she threw in my face. Everything was always all about her and on her terms, yet I was SO stupid and let the sex cloud my mind and kept going back... .  

I raise my arm in agreement with this!

I even started at one point to wonder if I was a sex addict myself!

I couldn't believe what i was tolerating just for the sex & actually begun thinking I was addicted to sex & not her!

I chased my ex for over a year and after a few dates ended up at her place.  After faantastic sex and me on top of the world she looked blankly at the ceiling and said "You don't want anything to do with me I am a horrible person."  I could not have been giving a more clear and precise warning but hey it couldn't be THAT bad right.  Right.

Mine too. 

"I am a reall A##hole"

"I have no friends."

"People don't want to be around me."

"I push people away and I don't know why."

The courts wont let him see his kids. 

All of us heard the warning.    Wow!  And you know what.  I still fall for his sob stories every time.  Sigh!

After our first kiss my pwBPD told me 'it just felt so right' and repeatedly said that in the honeymoon faze. He then warned me he never wanted to get married and never wanted to have children. On many occasions he said relationships fall apart after 4 years as it takes that long to really get to know him.

After we were married he told me he never knew what love was until we had the children. I asked if that meant he never loved me and the best he could say is that if I was in a 'firing line' with the rest of his family, he would choose me to save! He still had no idea if that meant he loved me or not. (Who compares the love for their wife with a firing line?)

The kicker was- His favourite song was Sammy Davis Jnr 'What Kind of Fool Am I?'! (Surely the BPD Anthem?)

I had lots of forewarnings too... . in the beginning, she told me that I couldn´t trust her, because it happened to her to swing 180 degrees in the past, and that it could happen again. Near the end, she caught a cold, something she was proud that never happened to her, and in fact, in one year I only saw her catch a cold, or sneeze, once. And then she told me: "you´re breaking my defenses down."

O my G-D!  The warnings!  In the first month of dating my soon-to-be-ex BPDw I learned of her brother raping her when she was only 6 years old.  I arrived at her apartment to find her curled up on the sofa sobbing.  She told me she was trying to work through her incest issues.  We were 22.  What did I know?  I held her and felt like Superman.  In our honeymoon phase, she told me I was not like her abusive father, boyfriends, and her brothers and their friends (she was raped by her brothers' friends, too).  Her father had no boundaries.  He never overtly raped her, but was a nudest around the home, as were his buddies when they came over.  He was a rigid man who pushed/praised/neglected/abused his kids to the max.  He is an NPD I suspect.  He had many affairs on his co-dependent wife.  May wife and her three brothers all ended up in jail and/or drug rehab over the years.  Lots and lots and lots of dysfunction. 

Fast forward 25 years.  My wife and I are now 47 and in the midst of a divorce.  I have been lied to, cheated on dozens of times, praised and devalued over and over again, snapped at, criticized, pushed, mocked... . horrendous pain for a gentle, co-dependent like me LOL.  We split 1.5 years ago.  She tried to recycle me a few months ago when her druggie boyfriend landed in jail for stalking her. Smooth, sweet talk, flirts on texting and IM, sexual hints, calling me "honey,"  saying she still loved me, will never let go of my hand again, saying how cute I am, begging to sit in my lap... .   This was a heroin injection for me!  I took the bait.   The woman who crucified me and left a year ago now wanted me again.  When she left she said she "wanted to be a woman on her own."  But her bed never chilled.  Perhaps she had seen the light, realized what she had thrown away.  I was sleeping well again, enjoying the texting,  feeling that she was back.  WRONG! 

We had made a Saturday plan of sorts.  She backed out and said, "I don't think I am coming tonight."  No explanation, no reason... . just gone.  I then found out she had met a man (Biker Boy) 14 years her junior and is now in the honeymoon phase with him.  Yet, when dropping our daughter off to me soon after, my daughter hugged me and said, "This hug is from Mom."  What the heck?  recycling?  Keeping me in the wings?  Just in case Biker Boy gets wise long before I did. 

Yup, warnings all along our 25 years.  In fact I have known her for 34 years.  When we were teens she was known as a neighborhood slut and druggie, who ran with the "gang."  I do have three amazing kids from her though :)  SILVER LINING!   Yet, even though my wife is a diagnosed bipolar with BPD traits (she is a marriage counselor/therapist), I still blame myself too much.  If I had been more handsome, more of a "bad boy" cooler, she would have maintained interest in me.  I still feel ashamed and devalued (like I did as a tot when I let my drunk dad and codependent mother down).  Why does this morally bankrupt, lying, cheating, addicted, shoplifting, snide woman still have such a spell on me?  Why do I give a poop what she thinks? But I do.  I wonder what warnings I sent out to her along the way?  WARNING: DOORMAT!  Not is a good mood, folks... . sorry.

i too heard the "ive been raped" sob story, i think i heard it on our 2nd date.  its used to lure you in,see if you are a sucker for a sob story  basically.   

During the first month (the very 1st round of idealization) my ex:

"I know this sounds really grim, but if, in the future, we never talk to each other again, I'll always remember this moment." (said before she was getting ready to leave after an afternoon of sex)

During the 1st idealization phase, she made me a playlist consisting of mostly deeply tragic indie songs that basically conveyed: You'll fall madly in love with me... . but you can't rely on me.

Also early in our relationship:

"I need you to be strong"

":)o you regret meeting me?"

"People always give up on me in the end"

and the constant question: "How much do you love me?" (I always got this eerie sense that she was planning to do something destructive (to the relationship, to herself, etc. when she asked this)

Warning's and  red-flag's:

Quotes that will always haunt me:

• "I take a long time to make decisions, but when I do, people tend to be surprised. They think it's sudden."



• "I've never really been in love before you." (she'd been married twice before)



• "I've never enjoyed sex before." (see above, plus many BF's from HS through college, plus GF's, as she claimed to be gay)



• "I think I am a little crazy." (said in a very close moment, after make-up sex following one of the blowouts)



• "I always mess everything up," in tears, on a few occasions, post-turmoil, after begging me to never leave her, in answer to me asking her "why would I leave you?"

Someone said it recently on another board. It's not that they're sick that's so hard to take, it's when they show some awareness of their illness, yet refuse to take action to treat it. That's one of the things that hurts me the most, because it leaves me feeling -- right or wrong -- that maybe there could have been a different outcome. That maybe we could have made it work... .

Can you see how deep and pervasive the F.O.G. is? Jesus, what is WRONG with me!

"im crazy    but lovely with it " 

 red-flag... .


"I don't know why I was ever born."

"I have no idea who I am sometimes."

"Most of my relationships have been abusive."

"Why do you love me so much?"

"Promise me that you'll never leave me."

"How can you forgive me for... . X/Y/Z ?"

"You're never going to go anywhere, are you?"

"You always think in such black and white terms." (Projection)

"You are the only one that really understands me."

"You're the only person that really believes in me."

Reading them back... . some make me sad for me, and some make me even sadder for her.

During the first month of seeing me my ex tried to dump me abruptly. He said I didn't realize how complex he is, didn't know what he needed, and that he always pushes people away. This was after a big, flowery idealization about how he wanted to be with me.

I got mad at him and said I fell hard for him because of his sweet words, but I guess I couldn't trust him. So I said okay, fine, don't be with me. He changed his tune quickly and decided he wanted me.

Another forewarning was he once said that everyone leaves him. His wife indeed left him years before, but to me, at first, it sounded like it was over garden-variety marital problems. I started piecing together some scenarios from his marriage based on his comments and I got the sense he and his ex were big alcoholics (although I already knew he had a drinking problem), that they fought all the time, and she was always crying and telling him how mean he was to her. Their marriage sounded miserable.

When they divorced he never dealt with any of the problems in a productive way. He ignored them by being a drunk. For years. He had a lot of stuff coming out of that marriage that required counseling, but he opted to escape in beer.  

By the way, when he told me his ex wife was always fighting with him and crying, I made it a point to avoid fights and not let him see me cry. When he was hurting me though, I fought back without tears and would sometimes provoke him. I usually gave back what he dished out.  

After seven months with me, a lot of recycles, emotional and verbal abuse, I understood what he was first trying to tell me.  

Oops!  I meant to say recycling, not recycling, when my daughter came in to me with a hug "from Mom" when her mother dropped her off.  That was a few days after I finally told her we need to divorce after more than a year of separation.  Sending our daughter to me with a hug might be recycling?  Anyone think so?  One friend of mine thinks it's "just a f**king hug, don't read anything into it!" But I don't know... . In the FOG so often... .   This woman has had me under her skin for the past 25 years.

fiddlestix

weird!  The board here won't let me say recycling. H o o v e r i n g... .    

"I have borderline personality disorder."  red-flag

There were a lot of other red flags, but if I'd only listened to my instincts when she told me this one, oh well.

Reading the "How a BPD love relationship evolves" article was like reading a journal entry of exactly how our relationship had been.

You said she is a marriage counselor/therapist and bipolar/BPD, so she HAS to know ALL the dirty tricks!

Best not to read anything negative OR positive into it. Sounds like typical BPD games to let you to mess your own head up, eh?

Always seemed to have way too much information about ex's and would share it with me

Told me no one ever understood her like I did

Asked me if she got sick and couldn't have sex anymore, would I still love her? (Asked that one A LOT)

There were SO many more. 

I so get that sadly. Funny how co-dependent people attract each other. OUCH! They are like magnets! I just hate that! I am trying to work through my own issues and I get hooked up with these friends that are so depressed, stuck in the past, repeatly the same thing over and over. I am telling them they need to seek counseling, self help books and really evaluate what is going on with them. I am doing the same! Yet they think I am the one that makes them feel like top of the world. If I don't text them back or answer, or have made plans... I get a text back saying it's I feel like you are avoiding me. Sorry but I have a life. I am not going back to that sucker of a need to save the world! I can only save one person. Myself!

My exUBPDgf would also ask me in both rounds of relationship,

"Why do you love me?"... . "Why do you want to be with someone like me?"... . She even asked me this the very day I let her back into my life. You came back to me and are asking me why do I love you?... .

I don't think she ever processed my answers to these questions.

I never abandoned her. My love for her was as clear as the brightest day.

Made no difference. She left.

Today was one of those days at my job where the energy required to hold back the river of tears that builds in my eyes is barely enough. I tumble still in the vacuum of space.

He flat out warned me.  Before he told me about the BPD even.  Said I'd get tired of his BS.  I'd leave him.  Over and over again.  I said you get a little irritable some times but I think you are a great guy.  He said yeah, I've heard that before.  You'll get tired of it.  You'll leave me.

Yes it was a forewarning Ironman!

One of those glaring red flags that we chose to ignore.

What did this relationship provide you with?


What would you think and feel now if the same were to occur with your next date?

Emelie,

She told me similar words too.

Clearmind,

What did this relationship provide me with?

The answer scares me.

What would i think and feel if the same were to occur with my next date?

I would remember the massive amount of pain that would inevitably follow if i followed on that same path... . that would immediately halt any further pursuit of that.

I would only be hurt again.

You know what, I heard this same line in the very beginning of our rs from my ex-bf, and my reaction was same as yours... . stupid, stubborn me! He said:"I must be treated like a dog and kept in tight leash, I can't be a leader in any rs". And in my mind I thought: "What the hell, I'm not responsible for anyones actions, I don't understand what he means". Boy did I learn what he meant!

I don't actually understand what is the meaning of this warning, because these people can't be controlled, they can't be kept in leash and they perfectly know it. Maybe it is a projection? Like real meaning is "I'm going to treat YOU like a dog, and keep YOU in a thight leash, and make sure that YOU will not lead this relationship, and you have no right to complain because I did warn you and you are still here"

Same as how my ex-bf gives an image of wanting nothing more than eguality and an egual relationship. In reality he would rather die than let it happen . It is all just acting and BS. He knows what kind of person he is and he seems to think that if he just keeps lieing about it, to himself and to the world, he can be BOTH. He can be a nice, gentle guy who everyone loves and he can be "himself" = disordered, powerhungry egocentric misogynist.

I'd completely forgotten until I read some of your posts. At the start he was always breaking up with me and saying 'I'm not good enough for you', 'You deserve better than me'. I would argue that he was the one leaving me, i'm not going anywhere.

This thread has made me 100% certain what I have been dealing with all these years.

Hi all

Yeeeeeepppppp... Heard them too,  red-flag's but ignored or overlooked them.

All my ex girlfriends left me for better blokes

I'm not some desperate loser crying into my Weetbix over you, (insert my name here).

You don't want to get involved with me, (and gives me a list of why nots).

I am the Devil

Everybody hates me, but they all like you, (and then proceeds to hate me for that twisted belief!)

In answer to how many partners he had had (relationships or flings), when he hinted at a colourful past, "I don't know, 100?"

I'm a bit mentally unwell or shell-shocked, from the things that have happened to me in my life... (said often)

Everybody leaves me in the end, for someone better!, (and then continues to set it up so you can't stand his behaviour, or he dumps you himself)

My friend (inserts his friends name here) was really good looking, a real women puller, they were all over him, (I lost count of how often I heard this story, and I think he was alluding to how he met so many himself and how great that was). I really got sick of hearing this focus on the glory days of his past... his favourite subject... .

I used to be really popular too you know!, but not now...

"I just want to find a 'nice friend' to hang out with'. (how many guys would you describe as 'nice friends' if your a guy looking for 'friends'. This told me he was always on the lookout for someone new and better.

I'm lonely, and don't have any friends or anyone to hang out with... (this I heard the whole time he was with me!)

I used to smoke a lot of pot, but I gave up 6 months ago...

There were others too, along the way, but I overlooked them, as he seemed to be joking around at the time...

"I'm thinking about finding a 14 year old (certain native to this country, ethnic group) girl for a wife and breeding with her".

I used to peruse porn/teenage porn, but only for a short time a long time ago...

I once visited prostitutes with my friends, when young and stupid, (as all young men apparently do!)

Biggest red-flag of all, he was reading "The Collector" when he met me, and re-read it several times.



As of late and not having heard from him now for almost 3 weeks, (his longest ignoring ever in 3.5 years) I am finding out the extent of the great lies he told about the other females in his life when he met me, after he met me, and how he is still continuing to hunt the 'ones that got away', even if he didn't get deeply involved with them...

Over the last few months, his behaviour towards me deteriorated once again to the physical abuse, and very dangerous.

Saw him once on the 10/6 where he assaulted me, (resulting in a call to the police from neighbours by me) and damaged my property and threatened my life...

Second time, I was conned into going back up to see him on the 14/7 and again, he acted out very badly, raging in public, humiliating both of us, threatening me, and trying to damage my property again... Glad I got away relatively unscathed.

Since the 14/7 and before that, most of his contact was only by phone anyway, he was pretending I wasn't welcome at his parents either, (later found that out to be a lie). This was his 'punishment to me' for 'kicking him out of my house after 2 years of continual abuse and refusal to seek help or change his ways... also flat out refusal to take time outs when he got too angry/upset... there was also prevention of me leaving his attacks too...

So now, I have been ignored again, for two weeks going on three... The first time he did this was after he assaulted me on the 10/6 and he expected me to go back to see him on the 16/6 without a vow that he would not abuse me again...

I refused, so he painted me black and dumped me... ignoring me for 2 weeks. I did the NC thing too, not contacting him, or very little, and just went with it...

I was just getting over the worst of the assault/shock/being dumped again, when he rang out of the blue... This came with a promise to have cuddles and nice time together on the 14/7. But I was tricked once again, as almost soon after I had arrived, he was back to acting out, raging, denigrating, projecting and verbally abusing my close family, expecting me to sit there and listen to it all over again...

When I said I wasn't going to, he jumped out of the car, slammed it with great force, and proceeded to make more of an idiot of both of us... Eventually, I just drove away for a while... When I later went back to pick him up, he started raging/ranting again.

Eventually I drove off again, (this time for a good hour or so) then I drove back...

He returned to acting out. And eventually around 5am, I left and drove home, since he would not return affection, and was cruel and cold... When I drove off, he came running after my car like a lunatic, throwing rocks at me...

That was the last time I ever saw him in person...

On the 13/8 he rang, snarling in tone, after doing yet another few disappearing acts overnight, and called his parents C***'s, and then the same disgusting word was applied to my daughter and her partner.

I said No more, I don't agree and don't wish to hear that word between us any longer... I was about to remind him there was to be no more nastiness between us, that he could not expect me to act like a saint, and yet he continue to act and talk the same way he always had...

So, when I disagreed with his entitlement to abuse my family again, he called me the disgusting C word, and told me to F**K off, (this was screamed/snarled at me). Since then he has ignored me...

Several times I messaged him, no response...

I have noted there had been several hang up calls though, over the two weeks, randomly, but over the last week, there have been no more... I believe he is with someone new, (or at least sleeping with someone else).

Since I know his emotional dependence on having a woman in his life, as a source of narcissistic supply is needed, (he has his Mother, but believes his Mother hates him too), and lately I have found out the extent of his lies to me, about his interactions with other women 'friends' in his life when he met me and after too...

I feel the need to uncover as many more lies as I can, to remind me of why I don't want to return, should he ring again, out of the blue...

Wow -- scary. I've heard ALL of these too, Hazel:


Amen.

Yeah mine were all similar... . sucks... .

"I dont know who i am"... . She told me this at very start of devaluation phase.

In reference to herself, "i only see things in black and white"... . Told me this in 2nd round of devaluation. I recoiled when she said that.

In the second last time I ever head from her the big thing she said was "Nothing you loved is here anymore im a different person now"

I realise the reason she never recycled me after this is because I called her out on her BS... . I told her how much i loved her but I wouldn't Put up with her behavior, her stonewalling or not communicating with me. She didn't meet me half way and I pretty much haven't heard from her again. She got sprung!

I guess this is something to be proud of myself for... . I've been focusing on how sad I am to be rejected when I should realise she is gone because i stuck my ground... . I guess this is a turn around point for me im not as big a pushover as i thought :)

Sorry to go off topic i just had the epiphany

Snap,

Even though you called her out on her awful behavior towards you(totally justifiable)... . if she has successfully re-engaged you at least once... . the likelihood of future attempts of contact her is high. Such chaos we are left to deal with.

I know that must have took a lot for you to come to that epiphany. Takes a lot of inner strength to get to that point.

Might be good to dig a little and find out what you were seeking out in this relationship. Many of us walk away victims when it was a relationship of our choosing. We got something from it.

If you heard that again it would not only equal pain it would equal going into rescuing tendencies again. There is a reason why we care take and rescue, instead of finding an emotional equal who is capable of a reciprocal relationship.


Yep we did know and went on with the relationship anyway! The constantly showed us in their behaviour and reactions who they were - we didn't listen - Why?

Ironmanfalls

I know you are not directing those questions to me but you may as well be! I am intrigued, do you know the answer to these questions because I certainly wish I did!

My first meeting with my udBPDexh was him jumping in as my knight when another guy ( a stranger) was being pretty abusive to me. He would always defend me, no matter what but then he would always treat me way worse than anyone else ever has. I have always had a need to 'save people' and I have no idea why but I know my initial attraction to him was him protecting me. It is all very confusing!

KHC,

Scary how you were told something so similar. The chaos these relationships produce... . Maddening.

Clearmind,

I am scared to realize that perhaps something in me craved this sort of relationship... . I knowingly let her back in with full knowledge my banishment from it was guaranteed.

What does that say about me? No idea. I just know it makes me feel so very low.

Such an awful feeling.

I knew i couldnt save her, i only wanted her to be happy. Thought my compassion and empathy might shine a beacon of light into the darkness that was within her.

Again, not to save her... . almost like to help guide her.

It had no effect. I lost myself in the process.

And the outcome in the end was like i knew it was going to be.

That she would leave. And that she did.


Viccijo,

Confusing... . Beyond words. I literally shut down trying to make sense of it.

When i think i have made one link... . more questions arise.

I tumble still.

Being scared is natural Ironman. There is something in our past that dicated how who we choose as partners.

For me I had a very invalidating childhood and I thought by rescuing a Borderline I would gain value and good girl points - my self worth was very low.

Dig deep - the reasons lie way back - before you met your ex.

Hi to viccijo

That part you said about your BPD jumping in to protect you from others abusing you, sounds very familiar... Mine was the same, he saw himself as some kind of knight in armour, protecting me from the 'sleaze' in my life, (his word).

Yet again, just like yourself, his behaviour was much worse than I have ever known from any men in my entire life, he was the most abusive man I have ever known...

And I didn't like being around it, and having no choice but to fight. It felt like being chained up and poked with a stick every week for 3.5 years... I was often left with no choice but to fight to save my own life or dignity...

But I learnt a lot about myself, all these years, I thought I deserved the abuse, (cause maybe I am just an argumentative, verbally abusive ****), but NO, I have learnt that I am actually quite a peaceful person, always was, a lover not a fighter... And I guess I can thank loving someone as toxic as him, for that big lesson...

I just kept picking controlling, abusive men, and the universe kept sending them to me until I finally got it...

Pretty powerful lesson for me to learn, but one I will most certainly never make the mistake of again now... I think I might have finally 'learnt the lesson' that the powers that be have been trying to teach me my whole life... Each time I entered into relationships, I thought I had learnt, but I got duped every time... this last dupe will be the last ever...

My blinkers are firmly on forever now... . I only hope this hasn't destroyed me forever... .

Thanks all...

Clearmind,

Ive always had self esteem issues stemming from my childhood. It has always been low.

Perhaps this the link of why i allowed this to happen.

Another realization i have to come to terms with.

I need to heal.

Rollercoaster,

I am truly sorry you endured such treatment. Your words literally echo that pain.

I've been reading a lot about people, whether male or female, having this "savior" mechanism that draws them to pwBPD. That wasn't the case for me, I don't think. I'm still working that out, because maybe on some level I have a savior or mothering instinct.

Mostly I was looking to my uBPDbf to save me. He was a bad alcoholic with emotional problems and general life problems of temporary unemployment, unclear professional direction -- i.e., plenty of reasons for me to jump in and save him. But I was never interested in assuming the rescuer/caretaker role. I stuck with him for companionship, bargaining the whole time with his alcoholism and uBPD. I needed to be loved by him and to be there for me. 

I'm glad I typed that because it's the first time I'm expressing that thought and it has really got me thinking. Just as he sucked the life out of me, I probably sucked the life out of him.

Could be Ironman! Being emotionally invalidated as kids certainly has a bearing on who we choose as partners.

Being idealized by a Borderline is pretty intoxicating for someone with low self esteem - it feels like we have been accepted by a person like no other. We beleive it fills it a gap - how wrong we were. That gap/void needs to be filled by us first and only then will we choose healthy partners.

In time you will be able to reach back to your childhood and find those invalidating moments and begin to relinquish the shame that has imposed on you as an adult.

Ironman - you and I are not to blame for our ex's behavior however we do need to be accountable to choosing dysfunction - our childhood dictated it - however we are now adults with adult privledges and we need to exercise some emotional maturity and understand our role.

@Peas - I think you are onto something. I know for certain that my ex and I were saving each other - fruitless effort that was. If he was a bad alcoholic - isn't there some cause for your rescuing tendencies to kick in? - "bargaining" with his behaviour maybe verging on enabling. Did you have any alcoholics in your family growing up Peas?

You make some amazing points clearmind... . My childhood was very much the same.

I just feel like its an uphill battle thats going to take forever. I've been working on myself and career wise things are the best they have been in years but i still feel pretty worthless I hate feeling like this.

I know snapp - I used my CV to provide me with worth. Often with an invalidating childhood we substitute that for over-achieving in areas of career and schooling - academic achievements, checking our pay packets and our yearly employer reviews. I treated those like KPI’s – tick them off one by one and still I was not personally satisfied. KPI's are quantifiable - unlike emotions  :light:. Often partners of Borderlines feel very vulnerable with feeling so find ways to mask them.

Self worth needs to come from within, how you feel about you not what we “do”. It’s the small things – however often our thinking is skewed because its on repeat from what we told as kids.

All I can suggest is to post on Personal Inventory about your upbringing – writing certainly helps to draw out the details. Lots of members find many answers by posting there  |iiii.

We need to seek validation from us not from outsiders like a borderline idealizing!

Yes. Taking a mental snapshot. The trick is internalizing it, fleshing it out into something tangible. Thanks for this thought.