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This is a writing assignment my therapist gives me to do once a month as a way to help identify, and overcome some of the personal obstacles that keep me from realizing the goals I set for myself.

I've been having a lot of trouble with the idea that it's not okay for me for some reason to never want to see, talk to, hear from, or hear about my ex ever again. And, after telling another member that they needed to give themselves a break from all the shouldas for a while, decided maybe I should take my own advice and start doing it myself with regard to this particular issue I'm having.

So, today I gave myself permission

... . to NOT feel embarassed, ashamed, guilty, unevolved, petty, reactionary and/or vindictive for not EVER wanting to see, talk to, hear from, or hear about my ex EVER again.

... . to NOT feel like I should be a bigger, stronger, braver, more evolved human being who's: 1) more accepting the fact that he's disordered; 2) more understanding of what it means for/how it feels to him to be disordered; 3) more forgiving of the confusion/pain/suffering he's caused me as well as my children/family/friends to experience as a direct result of his disordered perceptions, beliefs, feelings, thoughts, words, and actions; 4) more appreciative of the effort he put into making me feel as interesting, loved, liked, desired, admired, respected, trusted, needed, wanted, considered, cared for/about, safe, secure, and happy as I did for over twelve years because he was disordered; and 5) more grateful for the insights about myself I've gained in the process of trying to understand/come to term with him telling me - for the very same reason - that he'd had an affair/decided to leave me because he simply wouldn't continue to give in to my relentless demands that he lie to me about all those things the way he always had at the cost of the real truth and his own happiness.

... . to validate as both real and appropriate the fear I have of him for hurting, harming, and injuring me the way did by: 1) lying to me; 2) cheating on me; 3) stealing from me; 4) leaving me holding the bag on over 3 months of unpaid bills and over $20K in mutually-acquired debt to my family/friends; 5) lying about me to the immediate, direct, measurable, and continued detriment of numerous personal as well as professional relationships; 6) making promises he never kept; 7) harassing and making numerous verbal threats against me, our children, various members of my family, and some of our mutual friends; 8) sexually objectifying, harassing, assaulting, and raping me; 9) ignoring, denying, dismissing, repudiating, justifying, rationalizing, defending, excusing, being flattered by, and rewarding with his continued interest and support the harassment, stalking, threats, invasions of privacy, interference with my mail/bankaccounts, and physical attacks on my person/property undertaken on his behalf by my replacement at his instigation and with his direct knowledge, approval, encouragement, support, help, and assistance.

... . to not like, admire, respect, trust, care for, or care about him anymore because he's hurt, damaged, and injured me in all those ways.

... . to value myself enough to take the steps necessary to keep myself from continuing to be hurt/damaged/injured by him in any of these ways by not interacting with him, restricting the physical access he has to me/information about me as much as I possibly can, and working to disengage/detach myself emotionally from the acceptance, approval, appreciation, and validation I came to expect/rely on him to provide for me all those years.

... . to not care how this decision effects/makes him feel.

... . to not care how this decision might make me look to other people.

... . to not feel, or allow anyone to make me feel like I have to justify, defend, apologize for, or explain this decision at all.

... . to allow myself to actually feel good about myself for taking this step - like I'm finally acknowledging, and taking care of my own needs for change instead of everyone else's.

What's holding you back? What might you need to give yourself permission to do to move forward with less guilt/uncertainty?

Good question!

I give myself permission to... .

- Talk to men without thinking much farther than being friends.

- Be ok with being alone and not feeling that I am less than a person because I'm not married or have children.

- Make mistakes and learn from them.

- Keeping my expectations as my own and not falling into the trap of catering to those who have unrealistic expectations of me.  They have not walked in my shoes.

Today I give myself permission... .

Even if just for today... .

... . to be frustrated, annoyed and hurt over a situation I did not help create

... . to be a tired mom who cooks frozen lasagna

... . to be really excited that 50 Shades of Grey is now in production

... . to put my needs, just for a brief moment, first

... . to take an extra 20 minutes grocery shopping wandering around the book section at Walmart

... . to buy an $11 overpriced lipstick shade because I just love that color on me

... . to label my food in the refrigerator so my teenagers don't ravish it all in one day

... . to not be perfect. Because I'm not perfect. And despite my theories, no one really expects me to be perfect.

... . to not feel guilty for any of this

Great Post!


Today:

I give myself permission:

- to cry over the job I didn't get rather than suck it up.

- to need and ask for support from trusted friends.

- to go to Home Depot and get the mulch I want for my garden even though my budget does not constitute it as  a "need" item.

- to not be perfect

- be human and be pissed at a few things that are not fair... . I know logically it works out, I just want to be pissed for a minute.

- to be grateful at the end of the day

Ditto, me too!  (I eagerly await responses from the male genders.  I observe that more girls have replied thus far.  ) 

Well, here's one:

I give myself permission to... .

- don’t care about how others see me, by:

• showing emotions when I feel them, even when it’s not always appropriate (when I feel them I will have to do something with them!).



• show my gentle side to persons I think that deserve my gentle side.



• show my less-gentle/manly side if I want to or do that when I don't want to  .



• making my own choices and take the responsibility for them.



• do my best for other people that deserve it or that I really want to do my best for.



• don’t do things for other people that don’t deserve it.



• living and organizing my life the way I want it.

Hi all

Thanks for the opportunity to post.

Today;

I give myself permission to;

accept that I am understandably grieving and may not be as highly motivated for a while, (even a bit lazy when not at work!)

look after myself a lot better in small steps and in better ways, (have been going for more regular walks)

smoke too much again knowing I can move past this too and give up again.

drink too much coffee again, (hmm extricating myself from coffee, definately rehab kinda stuff!)

spend a long time reading and time here on these boards since it all helps with the growth/grief

not feel as excited about life/love for a while

not have to feel guilty about having male friends or talking to any males at all, (wow!) but not really wanting any either right now!

Be able to watch 'modern' movies without feeling guilty or being abused

Be able to use certain beauty products without a guilt trip

To be angry at exBP for a while and find healthy ways to deal with that.

To accept that it may be difficult for a while to stop thinking about EX so much, but realising that moments or extended periods are noticed where you haven't at all. Then comes the painful realisation that he likely will be doing this too, and how sad that is, that it isn't like a 'normal' breakup.



Finally, Be moderately depressed and accept that is natural under the circumstances, and take antidepressants to help me along a bit

Thanks again

Roller