BPDFamily.com

Background: udBPDgf/ex were together for twelve years. Have two kids together. Our relationship was typical, lots of fights, her cheating, numerous 'break ups.' In the past the break ups were always short, I would leave and stay with family for a few days and go back after she calmed down. Not sure if it would qualify as recycling. This time is different. She kept threatening to leave me every time we would argue the last few months we were together. I had tired of her threats and made her take her things and go. Every other time in the past I was the one that left. She ran off and moved in with this guy her daughter (24) had broken up with the day before. That was the beginning of June. I filed for emergency custody order because she was threatening to take the kids to stay with her on the weekends. I was awarded temporary full physical and legal custody. She painted me blacker than black. Refused to speak to me for six weeks.

Fast forward to today... .

Three weeks ago she found out I had taken a new job. She started talking to me. After a few days she blew up on me and told me off. Two days later she called and apologized. It was sincere. I was shocked.  Since then we have been talking regularly. It has been mostly one sided. How responsive she is seems to depend on how she is feeling about my replacement. She cheated on him with me when she first got with him. From checking the phone records it looks like she cheated on him at least one other time with someone else. They get drunk together and they fight. But for whatever reason she refuses to leave him yet.

She says she is going to follow through with treatment and therapy that the court will order. She won't say that there is no chance we will get back together. Two things she has told me that are holding her back are the bad memories and that in the end she didn't like the sex we were having. She still has me on her bank account and we share our phone plan. I take that as she is holding on to something.

Ultimately I would like for her to get sober, into therapy, and reunite our family. What I am struggling with is figuring out what she is talking to me for. I don't know if she is just saying things she knows I want to hear. Is she using me to sooth herself? Why is she keeping me on the line? Anyone experience anything like this?

She is not sober, she is not in counseling, she is in another turbulent relationship and is BPD... . those are a lot of complicating factors.  I doubt you could ever accurately predict why she is doing it.  Irrational behavior cannot be made sense of with rational thought.  Plus, even if you do figure out why she is doing it now, that may have nothing to do with what will happen tomorrow.

I would not get bogged down by trying to figure out why she is doing things.  Instead, focus on whether she is actually doing the things that you feel are necessary for her to be healthy (sobriety, counseling, etc.)