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My uBPDh left me for the millionth time 2 months ago. He always leaves me over the silliest arguments and after a few days-weeks,  he comes to his senses and changes his mind. I am emotionally and mentally exhausted, and want out. I am at a point where, if I am broken up with again, I will snap, and go crazy.

He, however, wants to reconcile. And this time, for the first time, he has an action plan to avoid the rages. He is talking about setting boundaries, doing time outs, and finding other effective ways of communicating. He has also admitted for the first time, that he is not proud of his behaviour and that he had to change his way of thinking to realise how damaging he has been in the marriage. He tells me that he knows what he has done wrong, and he knows that he needs to do to prevent that from ever happening again. And that is, to implement new communication methods and boundaries. I know he is not seeing a therapist, and I highly doubt he knows what BPD is. I am not sure where all this is coming from, but he insists he has had a lot of time to think of the marriage, and what needs to be done to prevent any more break ups.

Is it possible for a BPD to change their thinking like this? Or am I just being manipulated. I am not sure what to do. I am terrified of being broken up with again. Any thoughts or advice? Thanks

Hi Valentina 

I hear you. After being dumped so many times, over really trivial things, the 'in' time seems a bit shallow doesn't it? You're just waiting for the next time that being human sees the rug pulled from under your feet again... . You slowly build yourself up, only to be knocked back down again in the blink of an eye and each time takes longer to recover.

If you're really tired of this pattern and he is being flexible, I'd suggest you set your own boundaries on this one. Your relationship, if he really wants one, is not something that he can pick up and put down at his convenience any more, as a way to control a situation, rather than himself.

I'm sure your both feeling emotionally charged and the situation sounds terrible for you. Big hugs 

TS x

Have to say, it almost sounds like he has had some sort of therapy.  If he has definitely not, I would be wary of all the promises of change.  In my shortish experience with this, I have seen my uBPD fiance promise to change on a number of occasions only to return to exactly the same behaviour within days.

Thicker skin is right about setting boundaries if you decide to try again but that can also backfire as your husband may not accept the change and accuse you of pushing him away or push you away to get it back to the way he wants.  Tough decisions.

I think a lot of uBPDs know there are issues they need to work on, but they are looking at those issues through the eyes of a non-BP.  My (likely) uBPD brother in law does this to my sister - he does something really bad, swears he will change, and within a short time is up to his old tricks.  That's because he never truly examines his behavior, and instead will say his behavior is because of drinking, stress, depression, etc.  Yes, all of the above are part of it, but the bigger problem is deep in his personality, and until he addresses it, he will always struggle with the other issues. 

I think a person needs to understand they have BPD, learn what it means, and learn where it comes from before they can truly change their behavior.  And even still, there is no guarantee.  And I don't see any way a person will come to that understanding without the help of a trained professional of some kind. 

Thanks for the thoughts and advice.  :)

I can't help but think, 'what if, things will be different because he is taking  initiative in changing his behaviour?' and 'what if, he doesn't actually have BPD, and his poor communication skills and lack of emotional control can be fixed?' But then, I also do not trust him anymore. Not liking this situation at all, but thanks for listening  :)

Have you and he read The High Conflict Couple?

It is based in dbt skills for you both and with a MC guiding this along with each of your working individually with T's to learn proper skills it is a much better outcome.

Dbt skills do work and pwBPD can lesson their reactions to stress, but there really does need to be professionals involved for you both.

Would you try again if he agreed to professional help with his action plan?  Definitely validate the action plan, using DEARMAN, you could bring up your requirements to help achieve his plan.

I went through a very similar situation with a now dBPDbf (or perhaps exbf now, not sure where I'm at with it right now).  At the time not long before he was diagnosed, he came up with this assurance he needed to change his behavior and it was all about communication and similar things to what you've posted your husband has said, timeouts, stopping conversations before they escalated, etc.  At the time my SO had not been formally diagnosed and like you I was still guessing.

In my case, I believe he sincerely meant it at the time it was said.  It did not last however.  Once his emotions became dysregulated it was all out the window again.  We were on a 3-4 week cycle.  I'm of the belief without therapy they don't have the tools to cope with their emotions effectively if they are badly enough affected by BPD, and breaking up for the millionth time (I can relate) is probably a sign of this.  Even if they'd like to be, and keep trying, without effective therapy to understand what's happening and having tools and support to keep them mindful of it as time passes and their emotions change, I'm not hopeful for a good outcome.  FWIW.

I like what SeekingBalance said, I could not cope with the relationship with just me trying to use the skills. And they did help.  I would just get lulled into dropping them, or stressed out by not having my own needs met and drop them.  And while we discussed couples therapy in the past, I was willing but not comfortable doing so with someone I suspected of having uBPD.  If the relationship continues, I probably would now.

No one can tell you what to do or what the right answer is of course; if you still want to try and could find a way to get therapy in as part of the deal, I'd guess you'll likely have a better chance of success.

Good Luck.