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My lawyer and counsellor have both told me that I need to try and figure out how my husband will react when I tell him I want to split. Then i can better plan my exit.He has rages but has never been violent.  Typically he plays the victim when a close relationship ends or goes wrong. This has happened with his sisters, mother, business partner, best friend and his abusive father (the only time he was the victim). He often ruminates for years about how he was wronged but has never tried to destroy a person or their relationships with people they have in common - especially family. Since I've been in his life for 25 years I've always been there to support him and help re-establish contact with people such as his mother.

with me gone, I am wondering if he could become violent or really set out to destroy me. Right now since I've withdrawn from his control je is making frantic efforts to make new friends (look, everyone thinks I'm incredible) and is impulsively promising and shopping for speedboats, a cottage, land for hunting etc etc in an effort to control them. I'd love to hear from anyone who had to go through a similar decision-making process.

* somehow a phrase got deleted - he is impulsively shopping for things our 3 teenagers would like in an attempt to control them and pull them to his"side".

It's hard to predict how anyone will react really. I think you have a pretty good guage when it comes to how he reacted to other family members. It doesn't sound like you're afraid of violence? Just the inevitable battle that seems to be how he copes with relationship losses? 

Divorce is hard on anyone. Divorce with someone who suffers from a personality disorder is probably going to be much that harder.  

Exit strategies are good - with safety plans to help us if things get out of control.  There are also communciation tools that are designed to help us "keep the peace". Even if it's only on our end. Do you have a safety plan?

How old are you kiddos?  

Gavin de Becker created a tool to help (women in particular) predict how violent their partners might become: https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

Put together a well-thought out exit plan. Also, my L told me to put all sentimental items and important documents in storage since abusive spouses might destroy things if they aren't the type to be violent.

Also, you may want to read Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak -- it sounds like your ex's main weapon will be to alienate the kids, and you want to be a step ahead of him on that. This won't be a normal divorce, so don't read the usual stuff about "don't put your kids in the middle." That's a great goal, but when you have a disordered spouse, it's advice that can actually be harmful to your kids. He will put them in the middle, and you need tools and techniques to offset the damage that causes.

You probably don't have a ton of time to read, but I found information was my best weapon. Splitting by Bill Eddy: must-read.

And to help me heal, Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft helped me get some of my strength back during the early part of my divorce, when I just wanted to run and hide.