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A couple days ago I posted on the leaving board. I'll be honest, I have NO IDEA what's going on right now. My uBPDh has his 40th birthday in 2 weeks. If we are still together he will expect something party-wise. I have a few ideas, but I'm not creative AT ALL. I tried to fish a little last week with him to see what he expected and he said if I shut my mouth and listen that I will know what to do. What? He's been an a$$ lately bad. I know if I fail in his eyes it will be awful for me for months to come. Anyone else dealt with this?

Can't say that I've personally dealt with this particular situation, but have dealt with issues that go WAY against what I stand for and the good intentions behind them.  So, what I did was NOTHING, except take care of myself and manage my own life to the best of my ability at the time.  I was too emotionally depleted to give anymore of myself over to another human being that did not appreciate my efforts anyway.

Change is hard.  Going against the grain is hard. I found that I got a heck of a lot more respect when I started to respect myself.

You say that you honestly 'have NO idea what's going on right now''... .   I'm assuming this is with him.

What's going on inside of you right now lostinparadise?  You matter!  What you want counts!

hi, i am married 3 yrs and every year my BPD husband needs a birthday party. i didn't know anything about BPD initially and asked him "why do u need a party every yr youre not a child?" i since learned that this is part of his "condition". he asked me to throw him a surprise party the 1st yr we were married and  i did and he complained about everything, he hated the speech i made, he was mad my family attended ... . so i refused to do it again so now he throws it himself . also since we are married i feel terrible pressure every time his birthday,christmas comes around because  he never seems happy with anything i get him. a couple of times i asked him if there was something he wanted but he told me to figure it out myself. i came to the realization that i really cant please him( he has gotten me 3 presents since we are married , which he had me pick out (all very nice)  )

What I'm going to say may sound a bit harsh, so I apologise in advance if it sounds less than validating.

You will most likely "fail" him in some way, no matter what you did.  It has nothing to do with you- it's not because you are a bad wife or what.  It's just the nature of BPD- when something is less than perfect in their eyes (and their definition of perfection changes all the time so even they themselves are not sure what it is), it is terrible.  It is a failure.  One thing I will encourage you to do for yourself is try using "grey" wordings rather than black/ white ones (like "fail".  Your H is already harsh with you, you have to give yourself some room for improvement!

Before you throw a party for him, or do anything, first deal with your own expectations.  You do that not because it's expected of you (i.e. you are fulfilling a chore), but because it's his birthday and you are celebrating with him.  If you're reluctant to do it, he will tell.  Then, just do whatever you think is best/ he may like best (may, not will!  Nobody knows for sure), and just go for it.  Then, at least you have tried your best no matter he appreciates it or not.

Thank you all, after this weekend's meltdown I'm not sure I even WANT to do anything for him.  The clock is ticking, though... . so I guess I'll plan something small... . considering he has us 700 in the hole, he can't expect much, can he?