BPDFamily.com

Hey, some one gift me a deck of cards, please.  This is my 52nd thread here in Family Law, Divorce & Custody.   The kind of notoriety I'd rather do without.


As noted in my prior thread (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=171196.0;all) I became 'legal guardian' in 2011 but parenting time stayed at 50/50, partly due to son being bamboozled to change his mind and say 50/50 was okay, partly due to GAL hoping ex would be more stable with child support.  Yeah, nice try.   No surprise, problems continued.  In early 2012 She raged at son's best friend's parent - and me too but no one worries about me - because of a sleepover he had on my time.  Ex hasn't reimbursed her 17% after first $100 of medical expenses.  Ex hasn't reimbursed for the school lunch money I paid when son went to school on her time nor did she pack lunches, yet she received child support - and alimony before that.

So last July, about 16 months into the 2011 order, I filed for modification of parenting time based on the above and other issues and incidents I can't recall offhand.  (Hey, the case has been pending for well over a year and isn't scheduled for court until October, I can't recall everything without scanning my logs and other documents.)  Her lawyer has requested 4 continuances and got 2 or 3 of them.  Meanwhile she keeps collecting child support.  My finances are no better than back in 2008 when the divorce was final and marital assets split.

Last October son had a 5th grade overnight field trip to a kids camp with the mid-1800s Underground Railroad theme, fee was $75 which I paid, I even bought him a nice sleeping bag.  The field trip started on my time and I asked her to let him continue it when her time began at 6 pm.  Oh no, it was her time and so she picked him up.  He missed the rest, the overnight and the activities the next day.  She didn't even bring him to school the next day.  (The few kids who didn't go on the field trip were to attend school as usual.)  School staff weren't pleased, but it was her parenting time after all, I'm only the legal guardian.

So our two day hearing last month was continued into mid-October.  This has turned into a 15 month case just for Modification of Parenting Time, supposedly way faster than a Change of Circumstances case but that one was 'only' about 18 months so they're virtually neck and neck.

So that brings me up to this week, he just started middle school, several miles further from my home (and a few miles further for his mother too).  I decided he'll ride the bus home from school on my time.  She lives in another county and doesn't get bus service.  So I decided I would end my daycare arrangements, a big parenting change and you know how Change can trigger the other person... .

Fortunately I was somewhat prepared.  I've had to deal with a possessive entitled parent since we separated, so though our order lists a 6 pm exchange it states school daycare and other activities take priority with the unstated goal to avoid in-person exchanges and risk of consequent conflict or incidents.

Yesterday... . Well, she decided she didn't want 6th grade son to be a Latchkey Child and possibly be alone until I got home.   So she told me she was going to get him yesterday from school and bring him to the exchange later.  I said No, he's at school, the order says "the parent receiving custody of the child will retrieve the child from his school, daycare or activity" and I will let the school bus retrieve him from school for me.  Naturally, she didn't listen, she still took him.  When he didn't come home on the bus, school was already closed, bus service said he didn't ride the bus and she didn't respond to my calls or text.  Yep, I called my local police, I should have a report in a few days.  That's the 3rd custodial violation with a police report in the last 4 months.  I've already told my lawyer's staff I want a Contempt of Court motion filed to wrap up all three incidents.  That's a reasonable action, even son's GAL commented on CC potential when I described what happened.

FWIW, my son announced at the beginning of his 5th grade year that he didn't want to do school after-care program anymore, that he wanted to ride the bus and stay in the house (homework expectations, etc.) until I arrived home at approx. 5:15 PM-5:30 PM.  I hesitated, but I had learned that when my son said he was ready to do something, he really was ready to do it.  So he was 10-1/2 when he started the 90 minutes of after-school latch-key, and it worked beautifully -- a few evenings when he realized he would give up evening activities until the homework really was done, but overall a resounding success.  They need chances to be independent and successful in that independence.

With you being legal guardian and this being her 3rd infraction against your parenting time,I'd say you have a good contempt case. I'd try to use the contempt hearing to speed up the modification hearing,and roll them both into one. The contempt hearing should happen rather quickly compared to the mod.

The only reason my son didn't push for it sooner was because he's a bit passive around her, we would have done it last year except for her determination to keep son from being alone.  We separated when he was three.  By then she had already been upset for him to go out in the yard lest I glance away and someone behind a bush abducted him.  Stores triggered her fear of abuse, he might see an exhibitionist in an aisle.  Daycares were dangerous, didn't we see it on the news?  She wanted to home school, schools were dangerous too, didn't we see it in the news?  Up until he was about 9 she wouldn't let him use the Men's restroom.

Ever since our son was two, his mother had a paranoia about anyone and everyone "probably" being an abuser.  (We separated soon after she started looking suspiciously at me too.  She developed immense trust issues, her safety zone kept shrinking until she only trusted herself.  Court had to force her to very reluctantly accept me as a safe person.)  I concluded that it was her transferring her insecurities onto our child since she always said her abuser stepfather came into her life when she was three.  That's about the time I began being so thankful we had a boy and not a girl, the post-separation allegations soon to come could have looked so much worse.

Strangely, though her lawyer's delays may have extended the time she continues to receive big child support payments, it's also allowed her more time to make parenting mistakes.  As is often noted here, it's very hard for us to 'win' our cases but much easier if the others' actions and behaviors damage themselves in the cases.

Wow, what a doozy!

How are the courts looking at her ridiculous controlling behavior?

Good job getting that report, you'll need it for sure.

Good luck with the contempt case, I think you've got an advantage. Just concerning how you've already been treated by the courts all the while.

In the meantime, can you show the court order giving you legal custody to the school, and ask that they not allow her to pick him up without your permission?

And can you discuss this with your son, and let him know what the rules are, so he can call you if there is a problem?  (And does he have a a cell phone?)

I like Matt's suggestion -- showing the school the order, and telling them that your son needs to get on the bus.

But it sounds like your ex would probably drive and meet him at the other end, so that might not  solve the real problem, which is her not following the order.

So either your son learns how to say no to his mom (not easy for kids with BPD parents) or you file a motion for contempt.

I really hope, too, that she ends up having to owe you for the child support you've had to pay based on the continuances. That just isn't right.

I'm sure FD can teach his son to say no to mom, AND file contempt. And yes, I agree that having a cell phone would be helpful in this situation. You can simply get the 'pay as you go' and add minutes to it so you don't have to commit/ spend a lot of money. And being in middle school, I don't see how that would be out of the question (especially given circumstances)

Easier said than done when kids are codependent enmeshed with BPD parents.

Yes, I had real concern that she would wait at the bus stop, in my driveway or even come up to my door or come inside to retrieve her son.  I thought it would be better to let ex have some rope than to get school involved in parsing and enforcing the parenting schedule as he exited the school.

Son has locked the door behind him.  I've tried to help him prepare for the pressure that was sure to come.  And it did.  She called me when I was out in the driveway, demanding in loud, deep, brusque words, almost screaming, "Let me talk to my son!"  Over and over until I handed him the phone.  Then she laid into him for letting his phone go dead, threatened to stop paying for it, he said it died while it was in his backpack while at school.  She pays for it but he seldom ever uses it, at least not here.  I'm guessing she tried calling him on it, since it was dead we just don't know when she tried to call, after school or after 8 pm.  The court order states between 8 to 8:30 pm, an order she pushed for in 2009.

She also quizzed him (the third degree) with several questions about when I arrived home.  He resisted, but she kept asking over and over, he ended up giving an "about' answer.  I told him he can hang up if he doesn't want to answer or even tell her he's not going to answer that, he doesn't want to be in the middle, to ask me instead, the key being to take the pressure off him thinking he has to answer.  But he might still get interrogated when back with her, I could tell she was simmering and her rage at me was spilling over onto him, pressuring him to be an informant.

I'll see what happens next week.  Her call tonight was okay, though technically a couple minutes early.  And yes there will be a Contempt filed, just not sure how soon.  I'll have to write up the three incidents since late April.  Since most of it is documented in emails, it will mostly just be cut and paste.


That's as likely to happen as heavy rain in Death Valley.  Continuances are common and it just puts everything on hold as is unless specifically stated otherwise.  This would be such a drastic change that I doubt reimbursement would be considered.  But even so, one can dream, can't he?

Hi FD - I'm sorry your battle continues.

There is no law in Aust saying what age you can leave your child home alone, and I assume this is the same for you?

It sounds like you have covered all basis to make it safe for him. And, you're the legal guardian so surely that means you have the last word anyway?

Could he ring you or his mum when he got home so that you know he's home and safe? You may have written this somewhere but I can't find it presently.

I know from my experience that no amount of evidence to the contrary will make you right with a BPD and it sounds like she'd hell bent on getting her way or making it near impossible for you to parent effectively.

Is she escalating more with your son?

Does he still enjoy spending time with her?

What age can he legally be to no visit her anymore?

I hope your next legal battle clears the air for you and gives you the space you need to do what's right for your son.

Yes, there is no federal or states-wide minimum age.  One 'campaign' wants the limit set at 12 years of age.  Still, my son is closer to 12 than he is to 11, so would a few months resolve the problem of ex's paranoia?  Of course not.  I researched some states and some go as low as 8 years old.  About 2/3 of states in USA, including mine, either have no age-specific laws or none could be found.  Several have generic clauses similar to this:  "not left home alone without adult supervision or arrangements appropriate for the child's age or mental or physical condition".

By all accounts he is a reasonably normal youth with an expected level of maturity for his age.

No, I do not want him to ring his mother when he gets to my home after school.  (Predictably, she's already demanded it of him on Friday.)  It is my time, period.  I have never intruded on her parenting time, I don't want her to intrude on mine.  Besides, at her insistence back in 2009 the court removed the "reasonable telephone contact" phrase and set the telephone contact to 8:00 - 8:30 pm.

So far he has been calling me but I really don't see a need for that to be a rule for the next 7+ years.

Most of our incidents relate to exchanges, to be more specific, my failed exchanges.  The GAL pending recommendation made many months ago was that I get majority time during the school year with mother getting alternate weekends and every Tue/Thu after school until 8:30 pm.  Clearly, at the time of the report GAL was trying to lessen the impact on mother from losing equal time.  However that 'solution' would have created additional exchanges and I wouldn't have been able to monitor about half of his school nights, I would have Mon/Wed and she would have Tue/Thu.  Currently we have 4 exchanges every 2 week, but during the school year they're all at school, one parent delivers in the morning and the other receives after school, the only exceptions are holidays and days when there's no school.  I love that level of reduced personal contact.  But the recommendation would have forced us to have at least 5 in-person exchanges every two weeks, 2 on Tue, 2 on Thu and 1 on Sun.  Even though it would total less time for her, the frequent exchanges would be far worse than the current schedule.

Wow, what an evening. :'(  Ex is on a rampage, she is demanding son call or text her when he gets home.  Her "child home alone after school = child in danger" buttons are hair trigger.  Doesn't matter that he's in middle school and a reasonably normal and responsible boy.  She raged on the phone at me, and get this, even at son!  He was reduced to tears telling her he didn't want to get caught in the middle.  Eventually she regained enough composure to realize she had to mend fences with son, but she couldn't care less about me.

I told her calls are just between 8:00 to 8:30 according to the telephone contact change she pushed for in 2009.  Of course, she was screaming into the phone nonstop, why should she listen to me the father?

I know, I should have stopped the call then, but court and her have conditioned me to obey the order.  Back in 2011 when I wanted the order to return 'reasonable' to telephone calls due to her threatening to take me to court whenever a call was missed or me wanting to set a limit to the calls, both were nixed.  So I let the call continue until son hung up.  Then hindsight kicked in.  I've learned now, I won't let that happen again.  If a call gets oppressive or heads south, I'll end it.  Order or no order, I've got to protect my son's emotional health.

More later, I'm exhausted, I sent lawyer and GAL an urgent email about the incident and asking for something to be done now for son's sake.  Tomorrow after school it's likely to happen again.

Extinction Burst?  Trying desperately to Demand and regain Control?

A couple of obvious suggestions - you're probably already thinking in these terms... .

* Have him call or text you when he leaves school and again when he gets home - just a routine to confirm that he is where he's supposed to be.

* Don't say, "If you speak to Son or me inappropriately, the call will end." - just do it.  Think about it every time, as you dial the phone, and be ready to pull that trigger pretty quickly.  I did that with my then-wife, a few times, and that was that - rages went from frequent to almost never.

And of course this might help you get primary custody... .

can you record her calls?  so when she rages about her call being cut off it's easy to play the tape for the judge and show that you're acting in your son's best interest by not stopping her from verbally abusing him?  i think most judges i've seen in action wouldn't have any issue with that at all.

and i'm certain there's some generic boiler plate in your court orders that says both parents shall at all times act in son's best interest, yada yada yada... . you could fall back on that as what you are doing per the court orders if pushed to show technical specifics of how you are not violating the court orders.

Already sent to L & GAL, though just the part when I tried and failed to speak with her.  However, just because I started and stopped my recording then doesn't mean I don't have other snippets too.  I'm a bit cautious since professionals can get fussy in certain circumstances so some things I don't divulge outside the lawyer-client framework.

I have 3 instances of custodial interference, failed exchanges, in recent months.  That should be filed as Contempt of Court soon.  I agree it's good to include her not acting in child's best interests.


I'm already legal custodian since 2011, but yes I'm sure it will help my current case seeking majority time.  I think more than the schedule will be addressed in court.  When I filed she counter-filed to become the Residential Parent.  I've been RP since 2008.

When I separated and filed for divorce a few months later I had 14 years of parenting ahead of me.  It's taken nearly 8 years to get where I am today.  There's 6 years left, I'm hoping after this round in court I can get a good enough order I can be done with court, well, mostly.

As so often happens, it's not so much that I win my case, it's that the other parent loses his/her case.

The girls' mama tends to be a problem finder, not so much a problem solver. She also doesn't regulate emotions very well - so sometimes it's about trying to find ways not to make things worse.

I get that you feel he's ready and responsible enough to be home alone. She doesn't want him home by himself.

The question I always ask myself is: Is her concern valid?

Is the issue that she's wrong in her thinking? Is the issue that she's not allowed to tell you how to parent your son on your time? Is the issue that she rages at you when she doesnt' get her way?

Any chance at trying a different approach that doesn't involve GALs and lawyers and police stations? Or is this going to be your life, ForeverDad? In and out of court for the next 6 years? Is this something you've learned to accept?

FD I feel your pain on the phone calls. x2bh , when first separated, called kids, d12 s15, constantly, usually two hours in a day. Two court orders narrowed it down to three calls with time limits. It still adds up to 50 min if I monitor them. if not it goes way over. 

Your son is old enough to be by himself.  It is healthy for kids at this age  to begin this independence. If he's in your house on your time you can call him whenever you want to. Your ex should call in the court ordered time. Don't give in to more time! She will control  your son while he is with you if she gets more calls in per day.

Its a shame but when kids go to stbxh I look forward to the quiet of not hearing the phone ring.

I think this is a huge issue, in these situations... .

For most kids, the transition from total dependence to independence is pretty gradual - maybe faster from about 12 to 16 or so - a pretty natural thing that doesn't have to be too dramatic.

For my kids, I think it's a bigger issue.  They need to be stronger earlier, to deal with their mom, and with the stress of living in two homes.

At fairly early ages I encouraged them to do little stuff, like speaking to strangers in a safe environment - going up to someone to ask for more ketchup at McDonalds, rather than doing it for them - any little thing that would let them feel a little more competent and confident.  For D16 it was easy - she was always eager - but for S15 it was harder - he's not so outgoing.

Most recently I've started teaching them to drive earlier than their peers - they get their learners permits at 15 1/2 but D16 was already a pretty good driver by then, and S15 is learning now even though he's barely 15.

My hidden agenda is, I want them to feel strong and capable, and able to speak up for themselves, to their mom and to me too, before they get steamrollered by her and by life.

I think your son may be in that phase too.  Staying home by himself for a short while could be part of that - probably a good thing but some added stress for everybody until it becomes routine... .

Not really.  She always said her stepfather came into her life when she was three.  She had a distressing childhood.  I thought having a child would make her happier living a new life though his eyes.  Alas, it was not to be, she started reliving her childhood through him.  Having children doesn't fix problems, it makes them them vastly more complicated. :'(

Actually, son is blossoming before my eyes and it's just the second week of school, he loves coming home on the bus, totally okay with it. *)


Tough questions.  I guess the only way I can answer is that the only way I can deal with her with any expectation of success is from a position of strength.  She has always opposed that, only court has the authority to override her and court made changes in baby steps.

She didn't want him out in the yard or I might glance away and an abductor hiding in the woods would snatch him away.  I wasn't allowed to take him in a stroller two houses down the street or he'd get hit.  I wasn't allowed to take him to the store because he might get abused in a second by a flasher.  In her mind everyone was "probably" an abuser.  She didn't want him to attend daycare since he might get accidentally killed around cribs.  She planned to home school (effective isolation) since she feared he'd get abused by teachers' aides.  So sad, but I originally wanted a girl, cute like her mother, but very quickly I came to be thankful we had a boy when she later started making accusations against me of the most extreme sickening types of child abuse.


I can't reason with her at all, started going downhill fast when he was two and I was 'losing her'.  She was 'long gone' shortly after he turned 3 years of age.  The only time she agrees with me is when she wants something and if I don't agree then she tries to guilt me into how unreasonable I am.   We can't even have a simple conversation any more.

I figure once I get majority time (very likely now) and court maybe (very maybe) gets stern with her, then there's not much better I could make it after that.  I see it as an 8 year struggle to not have to jump at her every demand.  Once this current case is over we will just deal with her rages and threats since I don't see how going back to court again could make it much better.  I would have stopped back in 2011 (and did for a year until she started ramping up her entitlement again) but GAL didn't want the parent who lost Shared Parenting to also have less than equal time.

I was thinking about your questions, DreamGirl. They're hard ones to answer for any of us on this custody merry go round. 

What brought me sanity -- not sure if this helps FD, but it seems like that's what he's doing -- is to hold steady to whatever is in the (most recent) order. Even if that might mean GALs and court and police officers. I found sanity in following the court stuff. Otherwise, it felt like I was constantly in this dithery place of moralizing whether I was being too harsh, or too passive, or too selfish, or too naive, or too unreasonable. I know some people might find peace in standing down, but there's also peace in sticking to the contract when one person is disordered.

If it's in the order (phone contact from 8-8:30), and FD's time with his son is afterschool (regardless of where his son spends that time), then it's his time.

Before trial, my ex was constantly accusing me of putting S12 in danger. Trampolines, riding in the bed of a truck, leaving him home alone while I walked the dog, letting him hang out with "bad" kids who had negligent parents, letting him ride in the front passenger seat, letting him ride the school bus with bullies. To be on the safe side, I really roped S12 in close, in case something really did happen that fueled N/BPDx.

Now that trial is over, I've let the rope out a lot and I can see S12 blossom. He was desperate for some autonomy and responsibility. Nothing you don't already know, just wanted to share.

I admit that I am far more "passive" - and it has come at as a great success for my family - but it definitely comes with it's own set of issues. I also think we all play our own roles in the conflict.

It's her making a big deal about nothing and us allowing it to be a big deal about nothing.


She's overreacting. To her, this fear, it feels very valid.

As you know... . especially with the BPD aspect... . the more you invalidate this for her... . the more this kind of stuff is going to ramp up.


I do hope this plays out the way you want it to. I do think that your son is better off in your stable home with limited visitation with his mama.

I don't think she's ever going to stop though.


I agree. :)

It's why I asked the last question - Is this what you've accepted your life to be?  

It's when you make the decision "I'm going to fight this and do it my way" and let go of the outcome. Then it becomes about accepting whatever that outcome may be. This stay-true-to-the-course of being in court all the time and documenting for future court... .  just seems exhausting.


livednlearned, I think there is a lot of success in your situation because I don't think your exH really was interested in being a parent... . but vastly more interested in telling you what to do and to display his power. He proved that again and again. (Representing himself was kind of a tell-tale sign of his narcississm.)

I just think in FD's case, based on my perception, you have a mother who actually wants to be a mother but just does not have the skill set to allow FD to be a parent too. Every little disagreement is perceived as a slight towards her as a mother and every pounding of his chest is perceived as a loss of power over the wellbeing of her son.  It feels very defeating to not have a say in what goes on in the other home - and she's not accepting that fact. She's obviously not coping very well. So while I do understand the necessity of going into this parallel parenting mode to reduce the conflict, I don't think we (as the more stable parent) need to get caught up in the nonsense. It makes us look just as petty.

I agree, I'd like to ignore it all.  But as it is she steamrollers already, I am legal custodian but the only change of behavior I've seen as a result is that she has to call me to give the okay for him to see the pediatrician.  She still feel Mother Knows Best.  When she threatened his friend's parents with police and court over a sleepover, it was either acquiesce or get it fixed.  Since I already had custody I felt it would be a good way to wrap up various issues and seek majority time.  It may not stop her by much, but I think it will be enough to minimize conflict going forward.  Besides, what is left to seek after getting custody and majority time?


But something has to change, finally the professionals agree at least some change is needed.


Yes, that sums it up.  She could could have walked out of the divorce and kept her temporary majority time except for her behaviors.  She could have stepped back and gone along with the orders and I wouldn't have been able to change anything.  I guess I'm Mr Consequences and she can't discern that.  Not aggressive but assertive.

Update:  There had been motions for 4 continuances thus far,  2 or 3 of them successful.  Guess what... .yes... .There is yet another request for continuance, number 5.   It arrived sooner than I expected.  Her lawyer requested my lawyer to agree to a continuance but my lawyer wouldn't agree without consulting me first.  So even before I could be reached they were served with that motion and another one as well, my lawyer said I would would like it even less.  Lawyer thinks it's desperation, throwing anything and everything at the wall hoping some of it would stick.

So there it is, request for continuance #5 in a 15 month (and counting) Modification of Parenting Time motion.  It was supposed to be simple and straightforward.  Hah.  I believe one of the earlier continuances was more or less a mutual request but all the rest have be ex's motions.  There's no downside for her to make the request, successful continuances just delay the outcome of me seeking majority time.

Hopefully it gets denied.  She can't run forever, though.

So your lawyer will respond by opposing the motion, and pointing out the pattern?

Not sure I understand this -- what motions were served and to whom?

I filed for Modification of Parenting Time in July 2012 after a few incidents.  Back in 2011 when I got custody the GAL did recommend I get custody (I already was the post-divorce residential parent) but didn't want to change the equal time from our Shared Parenting .  A major reason was that my post-divorce alimony had just ended and GAL hoped that if ex kept equal time then she could get child support and be more stable.  Yeah, right.

Of course, her lawyer's response to my 2012 case was to counter file for her to become residential parent.  No surprise.  It's part of the logic that if one person asks for something, you ask the opposite and hope that the judge at worst splits the difference and leaves things the way they are.

The current hearing is two days in October, nearly 15 months after I filed last year.  (So much for my lawyer's initial statement that this would be simpler and quicker than my 18 month 2009-2011 custody quest.)  This week, besides motioning for yet another continuance, her lawyer said "this office just found out" various things (evaluations for our son that ex and I both were involved in) and needed time for gathering records and psych evals of everyone, review of prior custody decision, etc.  And now they're asking for me to pay her legal fees, in the past we both always paid our own legal fees.

So now my lawyer needs to respond and my weekend has been commandeered to lay out the timeline and potential responses for my lawyer to pick, choose, edit and rearrange.  Saves him time and me money.  I've been living from my paychecks for the past dozen years, the only assets I have are underfunded retirement savings, everything else is fully leveraged, mortgaged home, car loan, etc.

After working into the wee hours of the morning over the weekend, scanning my records, compiling my documentation contradicting those allegations as response, forwarding it to my lawyer for him and his staff to include it in our response to the court concerning ex's lawyer's motion for continuance, evaluations, etc, then after all that effort... .the court didn't wait for our filing a response and simply denied the continuance.

Well the good part is they denied the continuance.  Sorry you needlessly worked yourself to the bone over the weekend though.  I'm sure that time could have been better spent.

Do you think it bodes well for you that they denied it like that? 

Court testimony is over, two full days last week, so is our child's in camera interview with the GAL and magistrate.  Next are the written summations due next week and then its up to the court to rule.

First were the predictable attempts to settle.  Of course all the real offers were from my side or so it seemed.  We wanted ex to be in counseling and fr me to have alternate weekends.  At some point we even alternate weeks just in the summer was mentioned.  My ex wanted the equal time to continue and if there was to be counseling then we both would be required to get it.  I'm not sure exactly what the other side was agreeing to but it stuck on counseling, she wanted us both in counseling, surely so it would look like we both were the problems, so of course we deadlocked and proceeded into court.  Court only wanted to hear about incidents since our last time in court in 2011.  Court stressed that there were two days allocated and court was determined neither side would get additional time.

I testified first.  It was hard, I guess it was my nervousness about my lawyer's questions.  I felt much more composed during my cross examination and for the rest of the hearing.  My lawyer had asked what I felt was appropriate and I stated alternate weekends and preferably from Friday after school to Monday before school so we would have fewer encounters at exchanges.  (KISS = Keep It Super Simple)  Then in cross her lawyer asked about the county's guideline schedule - through age 12 its schedule lists longer weekends and an overnight in between - and I just said I never mentioned it.  (True, it was mentioned in settlement attempts but not in court.)

Ex testified and day one was over.  The next day we started off with testimony from last year's teacher and the elementary school principal son had since the last month of kindergarten.  Focus was on a school sponsored and school supervised 5th grade overnight field trip themed Underground Rail Road with a night walk reenactment.  They were both especially proud of it.  They reported that 97% student turnout last year was typical.  Mother felt it was 'her' time and so came to get her child.  They confirmed mother was agitated, even upset at another parent, though they did say she had gotten lost finding the place, as though arriving after getting lost did not have to make a parent feel relief rather than upset.

Ex's cross was a different matter, my lawyer had some recordings, about 4 sets, about obstructed exchanges and ex's obstructive exchange actions.  For example, to reduce in person contact our order states that exchanges are at 6 pm but if there is school, daycare or other activity then the receiving parent can pick up from there.  I was going to get off work early one day before a holiday this summer and so I informed her I planned to pick up our son at 3 pm from her daycare or summer camp.  Hers was at her work location.  She said no, son was with her.  So I got off work early, did errands, then went to pick him up at the regular exchange location.  She was a no show and when I called she said I had to pick him up from her summer camp.  So my point in court was that she wrongly manipulated events to her favor, beforehand claiming son was with her so I couldn't get him early and later wanting me to go there anyway since he had been in camp.

Her lawyer contested the recordings, saying he hadn't heard them.  My lawyer replied they'd been delivered to him with the rest of our exhibits back in July.  The judge told the lawyers to listen to them in a conference room.  That took well over half an hour.  Then her lawyer claimed they hadn't been authenticated.  Judge stated that would be addressed later,  Then my lawyer asked questions, ex kept saying she didn't remember, L said let's refresh your memory, played another clip, ex said she still didn't remember, L asked if it was her voice and she confirmed.

Then the GAL cross examined her.  She was saying she didn't remember when GAL was asking, even contradicted GAL and at one point GAL asked, ":)o you have memory problems?"

The GAL testified that she recommended I get majority time and son did want more time with his father.  I think she also recommended mother get counseling.

Then we had a sidebar or pre-trial called by my lawyer.  I later heard it was so he could ask that the authentication of the recordings be done without replaying them so ex wouldn't have to listen to them again.  Her lawyer insisted they each be replayed.  So for the third time that day all the clips were played.  After each one I confirmed I recorded them, when, on what device, and that they were not modified.  Once my lawyer asked if there were any others and I said yes, but I chose these few as examples and some even matched times I filed police reports.

We finished day two, walking out about a minute before the end of the court's scheduled hours.  I presume a decision will be issued sometime in November.

This was the FIRST time ever in family court (since our first appearance in November 2005) that mother's behaviors and cognition were exposed and reviewed in detail, however limited, in court.  There is so much more that could have been said.  Son was 3 then, he's 11 now.

To a certain extent I feel sorry for her situation, as in "what IF", but I still have to deal with "what IS", not with what I dreamed and hoped our marriage and family would be.

Glad you finally had the hearing.  Glad it's over.  Regardless of outcome, it's finally done.

Do you have a feeling for what the judge thought or what judge's impressions might have been?

It sounds like the court got a pretty good cross-section of what has been going on.  Not much more you can do.

Maybe the written summation can focus, to some extent, on what each of you have done for your own health and so you can be good parents.  Maybe you can't assume any diagnosis for your ex, but you can point out that she clearly has some problems, and she doesn't seem to be doing anything about them, and that's not best for your son.

I hope the ruling is good, but in any case, you've done what you could.

When ex's lawyer had filed for another continuance for this Parenting Time motion filed in July 2012, the magistrate denied the motion and didn't wait for my lawyer to agree or disagree.

Usually when the parents disagree, the court will give a lot of weight to the recommendation of the child's lawyer if one has been assigned.  For that reason I'm not very concerned about the outcome.

My impression is that the magistrate had to sit though the two day circus to give everyone an opportunity to present their cases.  I can't imagine any way the court could come to a different conclusion but I fervently hope the judge delivers a solid decision and doesn't leave valid cause for ex to appeal.

I believe the magistrate will be forthright since this is not early in the case.  Here's an example of past leniency.  This magistrate, soon after the final decree in 2008, ruled ex was "technically" not in contempt for taking son with her on vacation without giving written notice nor even specific dates, reasoning that ex had an "inability to comply" because the order was only a few weeks old and the old order was ended.  Well, she may not have been able to comply fully with the new order but my point was she didn't even try!  I didn't even know son was gone until they were a couple states away!  So ex got a break back then.  Some 5 years later, I doubt she will get a break now.

(I've changed my username - previously Kormilda)

Feeling sorry for her is all part of the process. It's such a healthy statement to say you are dealing with "what IS" instead of "what IF" and I think it's a really useful phrase to remember to keep it real. It's so easy to slip back into trying to make it easier for them, but keeping the kids as the focus is the most important thing.

Hopefully they give you a decision quickly and you can get the new orders started with extra time.

It's incredible to hear that her behaviour got worse in the court over time, I guess she was feeling the pressure more and forgetting to keep up the charade.

Hearing your experience makes me appreciate my court and judge. I can't believe you have to wait until November for a ruling! And Two. Whole. Days. Of. Testimony.

It's important that everyone feels heard, yeah, I get that. But then there's also just theater. Did you think it really needed two days?

Did you think that the principal and teachers were strong witnesses in your favor? Sorry -- couldn't tell from your description. I would worry that teachers might be afraid of appearing to take sides, but maybe your circumstances became so dire that they felt compelled to tell it straight?

Glad this is over for you. I hope the outcome is what you hope it to be 

I really do have my fingers crossed for you ForeverDad. It's clearly been a long and exhausting process that you've gone through. I'll be looking for an update on how this goes. I'm pretty curious about how effective recordings are. The BPD I am dealing with simply remains calm and acts like whatever she got caught doing is totally irrelevant and somehow the nons around her get pulled in by that and believe that if she shows no sign of upset or remorse then they must be misunderstanding something and it wasn't that bad.

ForeverDad - you help me appreciate that although I am very frustrated with the court system and the judge I have right now, at least my children are grown and were not from this marriage. Thinking of you

Good luck! Its nice to see dads that really care |iiii. that's a long battle and you give me hope, Im just starting and ive got 17 more years

Well, time for an update... .there is no update.

We had two full days in domestic court in mid-October for the Motion to Modify Parenting Time, then our 11 year old had an in camera interview with the magistrate and GAL.  Our written summations were filed with the court over a month ago.

< crickets chirping >

Meanwhile we continue with equal parenting time and ex continues receiving child support.

Any guesses when there will be a ruling?

Are you using a lawyer?

What is the process for getting a timely response? Do you have any recourse?

Lawyers must absolutely   NPD/BPD clients!

In my experience they really don't. She's been through there lawyers so far. It appears she went crying to each in turn with her warped version of events. Each lawyer knee she couldn't afford to pay them but they thought they were doing the right thing sticking up for a single mom against her "bully" ex. Each one got themselves removed from the case when the truth became apparent. (That she couldn't pay them and she was the problem.) Also, once they started questioning her it's apparent she began throwing temper tantrums (or so we heard through the paralegal grapevine).

FD - Keep hope. It usually takes the court longer to decide to change something than it does to decide to keep it the same.

That's been my experience too. My L has withdrawn from cases when she suspects they are NPD or BPD. She said the emotional toll of watching them ruin their kids' lives is too high. She has a D, and if her client won't reign it in, she withdraws. Not worth the money.

I also learned that withdrawing from a case can turn the client into a pariah, although I guess there's always someone who will take them on retainer.

In July 2012 I filed for modification of parenting time, seeking majority time, I have had custody since 2011, but at that time son's GAL had resisted changing the equal parenting time, thinking if ex could get child support to replace the ended alimony then she'd be more stable.  I sure didn't see any improvement in her so a little over a year later I went back to court seeking majority time.  Yes, it is over 17 months later.  Well, I was pondering going to court later this week and asking the clerk if I had broken a record for Modification of Parenting Time.  By tomorrow my case would have spanned across 3 years - 2012, 2013 & 2014.  Not to be... .

Earlier this week the court issued a decision.  I'm presuming it was held back until we were past the holiday.  Overall it was a real improvement, a few things not optimal, but overall it might be good enough to kiss the court a long goodbye.  (More than 6 of the past 8 years since separation have seen us mired in pending court cases.)  If neither of us files an appeal or paperwork for a reconsideration, then it will be final in mid-January.

• During the school year I have majority time.  Mother gets an afternoon/evening after school each midweek and alternate weekends Friday after school to Monday before school.



• During the summer we continue our 2/2/5/5 equal time schedule.  I think son's old enough to do 7/7 with fewer exchanges but that option wasn't offered.



• Our strict telephone contact order that eliminated 'reasonable' in 2009 has, by court's agreement with my request, had 'reasonable' returned to the telephone contact clause.



• There is no child support ordered since I did not provide either parent's income statements so the court could calculate what ex, the non-residential parent, should pay.  Um, no one asked me for it!  I had mine with me in court and have always provided in prior court cases.  On the other hand ex has never provided her income and in the past has always been imputed with minimum wage.  So until now I have been paying either child support or alimony for nearly all of the past 8 years.



• I have to pay the GAL and court fees but ex's fees were waived based on her prior income worksheet (her imputed minimum wage).



• Son should resume counseling, he had 'graduated' it in 2011 but court wants sessions for son at pace determined by counselor.  Court wanted mother included since it concluded she did not have money or insurance.  However, in testimony I recall her confirming she had secondary insurance for son, presumably Medicaid, so why wouldn't she have insurance for herself?  (I thought ACA for everyone was starting tomorrow, January 2014, doesn't the court know that?)



• The rest of the order doesn't change.  Holidays and vacations remain unchanged.  I continue to get child deductions for my taxes.  On paper she is to still reimburse 17% of medical expenses.

The unheard of happened, I've always said courts don't use any phrases stronger than 'not credible' with parents.  I stand corrected.  While concluding that the GAL's and father's recollections are 'more credible', it also noted mother 'must be lying' about not remembering things that would place her in a negative light.

There's more but that's the gist.  Son came out the winner.  It only took 8 years of baby step improvements to get here.

Wow - Happy New Year!

The bad stuff doesn't seem that bad.  2/2/5/5 seems like too many exchanges, but maybe you can work that out - change it to 7/7 - by mutual agreement, if you can figure out a way to let it be your ex's idea.

I can't imagine that the court would have ordered much child support even if all the documentation had been done.  Expecting someone who makes very little money to pay much seems pretty unlikely, and not worth fighting over.

The ACA theoretically is in force now, but that doesn't mean everybody has insurance.  (In fact, it may be that fewer people have insurance now than before, because of cancelled policies.)  In time it may become expected that everyone will have some form of insurance, but that just isn't the reality yet, so it seems reasonable that the court did not assume that of your ex.

I find it very surprising that the court would use the word "lying" - not "Mother may not be completely honest in her answers" or something softer like that.  Seems like the judge has come to a very solid conclusion about her honesty (and yours).

Congratulations - this sounds pretty good, and probably sustainable.  Maybe you won't have to focus on court anymore... .

Really good news, FD. Glad to hear court leaned your way! What a nice way to start the new year.

Is your son with his mom for the break? Is your ex likely to to dysregulate when she gets the news? (Or now, if she already received it?)

I'm confused about court ordering counseling for the mother -- does that mean with your son?

Congratulations on getting something done! I know it isn't everything you wanted but you are right that courts simply will not give one party everything they want. It does seem you will be the parent with the most influence on your child's life and that is absolutely the most important thing.

I'm not surprised you got the run around about child support though. In my extensive reading of family law cases I've found that the court often finds ways around doing things they don't want to do, even if it is unfare and never would have happened in the reverse.

The court may have called her a liar but ultimately she lost nothing by trying to lie. The court just moved forward making an assessment based on the truth.

Well, it seems to me that by putting that into the record, the court may be telling her that in the future, what she says won't be taken seriously.  So she may be - I hope - less likely to want to engage in legal battles.

Well, the objection period ended Monday and today the case is no longer listed as ReOpened, it's Closed.

EDIT:  It's not an optimal order, but my lawyer convinced me that some of the reservations I had initially weren't really issues, so it's very close and it's definitely liveable.  It might even last.

Looks like I'm back into the post-court phase again.  Ex's lack of self-control in phone calls - as emphasized when played in court - has resulted in her sticking to texting.  She's never used emails or admitted to emails access (truth: she blocked my email address just hours before we separated way back in 2005) and starting with the new school year she won't talk on the phone.

My L said her L said the highlight of his career would be when this case ended.

And you have a good way to archive those texts?  So if you ever need them you'll have them?