BPDFamily.com

Hi guys,

I've been going on about this silent treatment and using of Divorce as a scare tactic on me... .

After 4 weeks of silent treatment and a few seconds of screaming for no reason... . I was leaving him alone and not pressuring him to stay or to abandon this marriage... . then, he wants to talk but i was "leaving him alone" when He told me to let him be... .

Anyway, the chat is to try one last time to resolve things so that he will no go to the legal people... . he told me that he has been getting legal advice, i dont believe it as lawyers are shut on saturday afternoons and he is too cheap to "waste money"... . anyway, i want peace, hence we need to "chat" but i dont want to totally give in to all his verbal abuse... .

What's the plan guys?

i have some itching issues like, 1) are we migrating? (he told me so since years ago but always held back, i sense that this time he wants to as hes fed up with his friend in his house in his home country)

2) i cant be treated like a door mat or be blamed for everything wrong.

3) this is destructive for our son,

4) stop saying that im a money sponge when i am a thrifty wife

5) stop using divorce as a threat to scare me into submission

6) i want to do family things, not living a life like he is a bachelor and i am a single mom.

after writing everything down, i realised that the chat will be about himself and how much of a disappointment i am to him, and its always my fault, or that i bring about it myself... .

Question: do i listen and validate his feelings, then use a little empathy while dropping the truth about the situation?

If he circles around the few old disappointments of me ( dating 1-3 years ago) i do not defend and i validate his feelings and what do i do ?

walk away? the apartment is a small place.

I suggest you pick one issue that you want to address in this chat.  I know you have a lot of issues, but it's often helpful to prioritize and hit your most important issue first. 

As far as verbal abuse, it's best to simply start applying boundaries there.  If he screams or rages, calls you names or swears at you, etc. you simply (and calmly) explain that you can't continue the conversation, and walk away.  Don't re-engage until things are calm.

Read up about SET and DEARMAN and practice what you want to say (here if you want) before you have this chat. 

Thanks briefcase... .

There are so many issues of which ive mentioned an defended myself countless times... .

Thinking it over, i may never get any of those addressed... . item 1 is mostimportant... .

But i can predict his reply... .

Nonetheless i ll focus on that and try to draft practices later here...

About circling the past, we all know he will never be the same as the first 6 months of courtship... .

Strangely he kept saying that i cheated him by changing myself... .

Do i walk away once he circles ?

I only take a time out (walk away) if the conversation turns abusive - yelling, name calling etc.  I had to learn to recognize it.  Otherwise, I let my wife express herself, even if she's angry or unhappy.

Update:

He instigated the conversation and reminded me that we were scheduled to talk.

to cut the long story short, he told me that this was the end, there's no where to go. after tears and upset, i told him i accept and for him to proceed.

moments later, he takes out the pension plan for "our" future... . and speaks about "our" future house... . i replied straight faced at every question thrown at me and even tried to reply in past tense only for him to speak in present tense... .

it seems like red light is now amber again, and i do feel like a fool after he brakes me to convince me that everything's off, he hooks me back again!

was the book titled "i hate you, don't leave me?"

Validation and SET works very well, as many members swear by it.

For those whom are just starting to use these tools, my experience is a delayed positive reaction of 20 minutes after the chat... . so don't give up and hold back the name calling and swearing just for that 20 minutes... . or they will have another reason to explain why we are evil.

So even though he said it was the end and made you cry he then did an about face?  20 minutes later you got a positive communication with him? 

What does that mean?  Where are you now?  Still in limbo? 

This wasn't the first time that he said this was the end and made me  cry or become loco... .

I was using validation and some SET,  during our talk... and gave up on everything when 20 minutes later he told me about of future plans and said he cancelled his legal appointment thatday... . I'm still at his house with our son... . he is talking a little, I don't want to push anything... we are now practising communication after a months worth of silent treatment... .

This is a huge improvement compared to previous times... . also this was the biggestddrama compared to previous outbursts... .

It just shows he knows how to get me into disarray and I did not protect myself by engaging and not setting boundaries... . :)

Were any of YOUR issues you listed resolved ?

Hi eeyore, i picked the most important issue , the rest has to come later... . i stoppped and showed him not infront of our son, where he switched tones easily from angry borderline to funny kidding dad... .