BPDFamily.com

I am sick of it all. The BPD behavior of my soon to be ex husband, the courts, the lies, the nightmares I have about him and still missing the man I married.

This all started in February, I caught him cheating on me and put him out of the house. Then he refused to contact me or talk to me. The he turned everything around and made it all my fault. For 4 months I tried to talk to him and resolve issues. He turned on me like a rattlesnake spewing venom and pain at me in his every word.

I was am still am devastated and heartbroken by all of it. He has already shacked up with another woman and is spending thousands on her while my daughter and I struggle to get by. He is bringing me to court, there have already been restraint orders and lots of threats.

The police were involved for about a month. He has a real scumbag lawyer who keeps feeding him bull so he will keep paying the fees.

I have nightmares and dreams about my husband. I think about him the moment I woke up and he is the last thought at night. I can't stand this anymore.

I am in therapy, stay busy, have a great support network and a lawyer.

He makes no sense at all. I just want to ask him "Are you done yet?" but fear retaliation and court issues. Can anyone get them to make any sense of themselves?

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Thanks.

The only thing I can say is that you will make it through this storm and you've got to make a plan to not be reactionary to his punitive behavior.

Do not react to his antics; they will only give him something to feed on. Silence is always the best medicine for someone who wants to drag you into their personal hell.

Take it day to day and have a plan in place to better take care of yourself. Exercise, go for runs, cook a recipe, go to the library, focus on keeping healthy lines of communication open with your daughter... . you get my drift... .

I know that a unexpected divorce is tough and finding out that your husband is a mentally ill even tougher. But at least the truth of his character has been revealed. You may not see it now but him not being in your life is a blessing. BPD affects families in very negative irrevocably damaging ways. I know you're sad that he's gone but see the blessing in not having his toxic ways around you and your family.

Spell

NC / silence is the best way.  It's only a game if two people are playing!  Keep this in mind.  It is much easier said than done, but YOU have to come to the understanding and acceptance that it is always about them and their feelings and your feelings don't matter to them, as this is demonstrated by their actions!  You cannot possibly get blood from a stone ya know?[/quote]
I know that a unexpected divorce is tough and finding out that your husband is a mentally ill even tougher. But at least the truth of his character has been revealed. You may not see it now but him not being in your life is a blessing. BPD affects families in very negative irrevocably damaging ways. I know you're sad that he's gone but see the blessing in not having his toxic ways around you and your family.

Spell[/quote]
Remember that this is a process.  Healing will not happen overnight.  Take time for yourself, step back, and try and develop an understanding of what has happened.  Remember that you are also reclaiming your life here, setting boundaries if you will, regarding how you will allow this other person to treat you!

It is a horrible feeling when you realize that the person that you married isn't that person you thought they were... their true character comes out and it knocks the wind out of you.  I've been there... .

BUT... . now begins your second chance... . it's an opportunity for YOU!

You may not feel it now, but eventually you will see how this may be the best thing that has ever happened to you!

Just my thoughts!

MCC

So Hurt,

Reading your post really did take me back - I remember that feeling - just freaking exhausted by the ridiculousness and wanted the divorce final so I could at least properly grieve and move on.  I wasn't the one who cheated or created the chaos, so why on earth did it have to be so drug out.  I was sick of my ex's attorney and the entire legal process.  You are not alone in your feelings.

Focus on the end, get a court date as soon as possible as it gives you an "end".  In the meantime, it sounds like you are handling yourself the best you really can... . you are stronger than you realize and you will get through this.

,

SB

Big ditto to everything seekingbalance wrote.

Worst. Thing. I've. Ever. Gone. Through.

Period.

But it did end. Never believed, felt, thought it would - especially during that first year - but it did.

Took moving out of state and going complete NC after 2 years just so I could stop the constant onslaught long enough to process everything I'd already experienced and actually have the time/ability to focus on my own recovery.

But I did it. Am doing it. Am getting there.

You can, too.

Look at how strong you've already been. Look at how much you've already accomplished in terms of the simple logistical problems involved in separating your life from his. The divorce is just another hurdle you have to take a deep breath, concentrate, push yourself toward, and clear in this race to win back your life again. You'll make it ... . and there'll be time, I promise, to rest/pace yourself once you start to feel safe enough to actually do that.

Big hug.

- TC

Thanks for your support. it is soo frustrating to have to take so much time and energy to deal with him and all the chaos he has caused.It has been so painful and exhausting at times. I am trying so hard to get back to my real life and just leave him alone.

He is hiding behind his new girlfriend, the courts and his scumbag lawyer. I realy do believe God is on my side. everything he has done to hurt me in the courts just keeps blowing up in his face. It is so difficult to be adversarial to the man I loved and married. He is no longer the man I married. That man has died.

I never knew he could be so cruel. We both have restriants orders onus. Mine is up in another month. His won't be gone for a full year. I just want to say to him "Are you done yet." Like you say to a kid who just keeps making messes. I am very afraid to talk to him because he has become so mean and abusive. He throws flames of heated words to singe my soul.

I have NC with him right now. It is also difficult to have to portray him as the bad guy in court. I am a very loyal problem and never call the police or courts to solve my problems. We were raised to work it out amongst ourselves so this is so against the grain for me.

This behavior has no honor and dignity and I have so much of it. I just don't want to take the low dirty route. I keep waiting for him to wake up to his senses and elevate himself out of the hell whole he has caused himself and his loved ones, especially me.

The house went up for sale yesterday and I am having two showings. I am looking forward to a move and a fresh start. He was suppose to be part of these plans. He was part of the dream. I really think we will be gone by winter.

When this house sells and we are gone, I am sure then he will cry. Just hang in there with me people. I would be so lost without all of your help and kindness. You help me to see the method of the madness and I am so grateful for it.

Please continue with your and insight. I truly appreciate every comment. God bless and enjoy the peace in your life, Thanks

I was married for a dozen years before we had a child.  Then she had trouble as though she couldn't love both of us and so she chose 'her' son.  She did change gradually over the years, but childbirth and those early years were beyond belief.  Like your spouse, mine changed so drastically, it was as though I never knew who the new person was.  When I got the police involved, then it was Over.  I did try a couple times asking if she wanted to reconcile but was snubbed.  We too had protection orders from each other at the beginning.  Since we shared a child but she was blocking my parenting, I couldn't walk away as she insisted.  I had to be an involved parent.  I had lost her - and it was crucial that I accepted that - but I couldn't let her chase me away from my child.


No, you can't reason with him.  You can't reason with unreason.  And if later he is seemingly 'reasonable' you would still worry how long it would last and what he was really wanting.  The trust is gone.  And now he knows you know who he is.

He is not a kid, he's an adult.  He has consequences.  Let him face them.  Don't sabotage yourself.


Most members here too are naturally forgiving, nice, wanting to fix rather than cause problems.  But when you deal with someone who is - no other way to say this - fighting against you tooth and nail, you can't afford to be too nice or too fair or too whatever lest you risk sabotaging yourself.


No, we know you won't play dirty, but you do have to stand up for yourself by setting firm boundaries for yourself to either minimize the damage to you or to get it to end.  It's okay not to let him get away with his blaming, blame shifting, manipulations, character assassination, but do consider when any actions you take will help you long term or just keep you throwing barbs back and forth.  Some things you can't stop him from doing but on the other hand you can't let him walk over you either financially or emotionally.


I wouldn't count on that.  You're expecting some level of insight in him and closure from him.  He will be and do what he will be and do, you can't have much influence on that.  As for closure, he won't give it to you, you have to 'gift' that to yourself.

We are here, we've been where you are.  Ben there, done that.  There are better days ahead.

Is he the father of your daughter?

That will affect how this plays out for you. Although it sounds like she is your daughter, so maybe this isn't an issue in your divorce?