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I'm still new and grasping certain terms with BPD and recycling is one that has me confused.  My STBX uBPD and I never broke up before (like actually moving away in separate homes)until she left this year after I had unknowingly triggered her fear of abandonment last year by threatening divorce.

Is being separated relationship recycling when I was staying at my sisters when we needed a break and then wife was asking me to come back home? I can see the idealization during the honeymoon phase and a year later she separated and went to her mom's for a month with the kids. We separated 5 times in our entire 8 year relationship.

So from what I understand about recycling it's like trying to go back, doing something different and getting the same results. On the other hand I hear people saying that the ex is out of the picture and in another relationship but has you on a shelf for a rainy day, in case the current r/s doesn't work out. Then they may re-engage you.

Can someone explain this to me or do I have this all wrong? Were my separations recycles? I was separated for no more than a month at a time, usually for a couple of weeks, but this time I have been separated for almost 7 months after the ex really moved out, she is filing for divorce (she has shown nothing to actually do any work towards divorcing) and she is in a committed relationship with the guy she started having an affair with while married to me.

I'm seeing recycling as two separate things and it has left me confused.  

sorry your dealing with this hand in there it gets better.

recycling is a tricking thing to grasp but its sound like you have been recycling with her. when you were apart before did she have other men then?

are you wanting her to recycle again?

have you taken a look at yourself and why you go back?

She did not have other men when we were apart/separated not in the 8 years we were together, that is to say until the last 8 months of the relationship. She was detaching, planning and had an exit relationship.

So she secretly started seeking another man a couple of months after the last separation. During this separation we had gone to couples counseling again and this is where she had brought up D, but in a manner where she was serious.

This is the first time we have broken up, are legally separated and living in separate homes. The divorce papers on either side are not drawn up yet. She was really deflecting divorce talks when she is the one that wanted to initiate the divorce in the first place, if that makes sense. I think that that falls into fear of abandonment or she's playing me to use me again if her bf doesn't work out. But it's been 7 months since she has left. I don't think he is ready to take the kids on fulltime (4) because she hinted at moving in with him, but she was asking to leave the kids with me in the evenings and the weekends. So she would move in with him in his house, but leave the kids with myself.

Do I want to be recycled again while or after she is in another committed relationship with another man. No. I took my vows seriously and that's a deal breaker for me. Do I want to get discarded again and be ignored like an 8 year r/s never existed, no. Do I want to feel this deep emotional pain again because of her, no. I'm not done grieving yet, but I'm not going through this again and her crazy making behaviors. I feel stronger day by day, NC really helps. I'll work on myself and find someone that doesn't just think that marriage and divorce are just papers.

I was going back to my wife when we were separated, because it was simply that, a break, reflect and reconcile and I was going back to keep the family together for the kids and trying something different to expect different results or success and neither happened. I got devalued and discarded.

In hindsight. I'm starting to think that from idealization to the first separation and reconciling was recycling, and every other separation was recycling as well if that makes any sense. But there were no extra-marital affairs on either side. Maybe emotional affairs with the ex? PA with this guy while we were still together for sure. Only one exit affair.

Recycling is breaking up - ending it - then getting back together.

Therapeutic separation is when we separate with the intent of reuniting.

Trial separation (sometime called trial divorce) is when we separate with the intent of testing separate lives.

Thanks for the info and clarification Skip. Thanks everyone for the input. I've been working on myself and why I needed her validation and was hesitant to leave because of comfort and not having the courage to end it. Recycling comes up often on the boards and I had therapeutic separation mixed in with recycling. I have never been recycled.

This is a good question and I have been wondering the same thing. Over the twelve years together there were numerous times that my ex would rage at me, tell me it's over, I needed to leave, yadda yadda yadda. I knew she didn't really mean it, that she was just angry and felt that way in the moment. I would go stay with family, the longest I ever stayed away was a week, and once she calmed down I would go back home.

Are those episodes recycling?