BPDFamily.com

When my exUBPDgf started to devalue me... . I was in the middle of a few portraits I was drawing.

I sketch/draw people's faces as a personal hobby of mine. Has deep meaning for me.

One of the portraits was of my exUBPDgf.

Since devaluation... . and the eventual discard of me... . I have not been able to draw, let alone even complete any of the pieces I was working on.

No desire to do so.

I feel hollow. Pencils feel foreign in my hand.

It was something I would do for hours on end.

I can't even look at it now.

Almost like I abandoned my creations.

Her unfinished portrait... . I had to cover.

Would bring me to tears.

I don't recognize the smile in the picture... .

Let alone in the beginning of the smile I had started working on in her portrait.

Am I depressed? Most likely.

I am not in a good place right now.

My artwork unfinished... . is a reminder of that.

I feel for you. Out at dinner last night I had a look through the photos on my phone to prepare for a court case and it made me sick. It's Father's Day today and I realised her children will be with their respective fathers freeing her up to stay at one of our holiday houses with the new guy. He will probably be riding my bicycle which is there and I don't even have the keys. Leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

The smile in the photos is fake, as is everything else. I know that destroying the unfinished portrait of her isn't going to help you finish the other artworks but I'm wondering what you think you might do with it?

Aussie,

I cant even imagine how incredibly painful that must be for you.

You are strong to have endured that and still kept your head up.

My pysche would have imploded at such a thought... . I wouldn't even be able to handle that.

It pains me to see others having to endure continued contact.

I am really sorry.

For now the piece just sits there covered... . i honestly dont know what to do with it.

I couldnt look at her smile. It only existed for a brief period of time.

Momentary. She didnt smile at all the last time i was with her on my birthday.

My unfinished artwork... . Frozen in place.

Ironmanfalls

A big, big hug!

I really feel for you, and I am concerned about your wellbeing. You are going through very rough times, your energy is low. 

May I ask you, do you work with a T? If not, I would consider this. Feeling depressed is something serious.

What do you think about it?

Surnia,

Thank you for your kind words.

I was diagnosed back in 2009, 2010 with major depression.

I have since recovered. Took me a long time.

Right now i am not at that point i was years ago, and am trying not to slide that far down.

Its really hard.

I know i need a T... . I just cant afford that right now.

My artwork(discovered i could draw in the lowest point of my life, see above in 2010) is what helped me recover before.

Do you have any idea what is different now that you could not rely on your drawings like before in 2010?

Perhaps you may try this website: Moodgym (https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome)

Its a selfhelp program for people with anxiety and depression. Its not the same like a real T but more than nothing.

The impact of having gone through a relationship with a BPD disorder twice is only difference.

My previous relationships did not exhibit any behavior even remotely close as to what I endured.

Thank you again, I never heard of that website but will definitely give it a try.

I try and keep a routine of going to work and attempting to concentrate on that... . and reading what others have gone through on this forum.

My closest friends have stopped listening to me.

Does this hurt me? Yes.

I get that they can only hear so much, but to stop altogether just further invalidates me... . almost feels like a continuation of the invalidation that I experienced in devaluation.

They have every now and then attempted to contact me and ask how I am... .

But... . I know the reply they only wish to hear is "I'm ok"... . Nothing further.

That further invalidates me.

I can no longer speak to them about this.

As a consequence, I have shut myself off.

I know it's unhealthy.

This has been so taxing on me.

Hi Ironman, I'd like to second Surnia's suggestion of checking out moodgym. I've gone there and tried it previously before being involved on the forums here. It is worth at least checking out.

I understand that friends can usually only listen to so much. They usually eventually get to the point of saying "just get over it", but as we all know that is not good advice at all, and in fact, what most people want is somebody to simply listen to them. I think the forums here are a terrific resource, but it is not exactly the same as face to face contact with friends. I'm not sure there was any advice I have for you specifically, just saying a lot of people here empathize with you. 

I like the metaphor about a half finished portrait.

Because you only knew half of her and you will never know the full her. She doesn't even know it herself. So eventhough the portrait is only half finished, it is as complete as it ever can be.

Hi Ironman, I too felt that my friends were shutting down, OR pressing me to get over it, to realize that hoping or wanting her is foolish, etc., and at that time, my T acted really good, she told me that it was OK to wait for her, to be clinging to the memories, for as long as I wanted, it was my decision, and my feelings, and I was free to do what I wanted. I felt really validated and relieved that I could still be carrying all that stuff with me. That´s why they´re therapists, they recognize the subtle things that happen to be important. At least the senior ones, the ones with most experience, I think.

I´ve been reading posts of yours, and I think that you manage yourself well, you´re building the meaning of it inside you, and I think that you will reach the point where you can see that you´re right for feeling that way, that it isn´t you that are wrong, and where you understand that she doesn´t hold the key to your happiness. You won´t tumble forever :)

Learning,

I just wanted my close friends to listen to me.

I have kept them at arms length now.

Any further invalidation from them, I cannot bear.

My energy is sufficient to getting me through one day to the next.

My ironman suit still remains non functional.

Thank you for your kind words.

Huh,

Thank you.

The metaphors/symbolism I tend to write on here is my way of visualizing things.

I see it all around me. In movies, images, poems, etc.

It saddens me that a half complete portrait is as you say the most complete she will ever be.

I spent so much time and energy trying to get to know her.

End result. She left regardless. Twice.

Even with knowing about her disorder... . made no difference.

There are times I even wish I didn't know about it.

So chaotic.

Whatathing,

I am sorry you experienced that too.

Validation has a big impact.

I just need it to make sense.

My empathy requires that I get to the root of where this all originated.

I felt her pain.

I had no idea how deep it went.

Saddens me beyond words that a lovely human being was compromised like that at such an early age.

Her parents and/or whoever else did this to her... . their actions have serious consequences.

I happened to stumble into that when I was introduced to her via a mutual friend years ago.

Thank you for reading my posts.