BPDFamily.com

Just read àn older post about this,... . do we have to initiate all the time?

By showing that i want it, he deliberately says no all the time ... .

I said no in the past as i gave birth and have been doing all chores... .

Now he wouldn't touch me for a month... . wedding ring off into the drawer... . not sure if he will ever put it on again... . i just acknowledge it... . but be indifferent... .

I told him before, the more i want something, the more he takes it away from me... .

Does this sound familar to you?

Yes, all too familiar.

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If it's any comfort, I find that it helps to not think in terms of them Using Sex As A Tool.

Why? Because using a tool is a logical activity where methods are consciously employed to meet a thought-about goal. Nothing in that sentence describes BPD.

I think of it as: they unconsciously ruin our sex lives with their crossed wires concerning intimacy issues. I do not lay blame on them, because they are not making clear-headed choices when they lay their painful traps of vacillating between cold-shouldering us and rage-blaming us for never initating. At any given time they are so immersed in their stew of emotion, whether it's the black side or white side of the mix, that they are frankly not aware of the existence of the other side. They don't plan it when they find themselves on that other side, it just happens. And as it happens, neither side leaves much room for healthy normal sex... . and sex is often a huge trigger for dysregulation.

One day at a time, riding the BPD roller coaster.

Great line.  One of areas we need to work on for ourselves, is the expectation of logical and rational behavior.  That is, to learn NOT to expect it.

That being said, some behaviors are predictable.  Learning to recognize the emotional triggers help with predictability.

Ha ha (insert pained face during forced laughter here), that's right. Now if only we could use that knowledge to prevent the bad reactions to the triggers... .

The sex is an important point for me, as it can be a huge trigger or a therapeutic re-connecting. I think it's a poorly understood but critical and complicated component of having a r/s with a BPD.

You cant prevent how someone reacts.  Trying to, would mean walking on eggshells all the time.

What you can control, is how you react to it (both outwardly and inwardly).  For me, learning more about my partner helped me predict how something might affect her.  Then I am able to adjust my own behavior a little to reduce the impact of it.

Sorry if it feels like a one sided relationship.  In many ways, it is.

I posted this on another thread that reached the space limit so I thought I would post here since it is somewhat relevant to this subject. 


Musicfan... . I seriously had to see if this had been my post!  This describes my sex life with my husband to a T.  Sex = control, no doubt in my mind.  H can be pissed at the world and 10 minutes later come to bed and initiate sex.  He blames the problems in our marriage (including his "anger issues" on the fact that I don't have frequent enough sex with him, especially that since I don't initiate sex that means I hate sex and have no interest in it. 

We had a long "discussion" several weeks ago about how awful I was making his life by not having/initiating sex with him.  When I told him that it's hard for me to want to have sex with someone I am not emotionally attached to, he told me that I needed to separate the emotions from the sex and just have sex for the pure enjoyment of having sex for the sake of "saving" our marriage and making him a happier person.  When asked what he would do to aid in this "fixing" of our marriage, he responded that it was all up to me and he was not going to make any efforts whatsoever, because he has been trying so hard for the past 3 years but I haven't been perceptive to any of his efforts.  For the record, there have basically been no efforts, at least from my perspective.

H never touches me unless it is in a sexual, groping way.  We were on a long car trip over the weekend and he wanted to hold my hand, which would have been fine except that his version of holding my hand involves having his hand between my legs groping at my crotch (with our S8 and S12 in the backseat, no less).  Then he gets mad when I push him away, and acts like I am the one with the problem.  I have told him over, and over, and over, that I don't mind if he touches me but why does it ALWAYS have to be sexual?  He never hugs me, only comes up behind me and grabs my butt or breasts while I am in the middle of cooking supper or doing something  - I think he does it because my hands are busy and I'm defenseless.  I have asked him repeatedly not to do it but again, I'm the one with the problem.  H constantly makes sexually provocative jokes, turns every comment into something sexual, grabs me in sexual ways and randomly says things like "wanna be tied up" or "have you gone 'toy' shopping yet" or "are you wearing a thong"... . I have specifically asked him not to say these things to me but he continues.  When we were dating we would drive past an attractive woman and he would say "I bet she would look great sitting on my face".  Again, asked repeatedly for him to stop because it made me really angry and upset but he always said he was "just joking" and I just needed to lighten up.  Sex has always clearly been an issue with him and I am so past done with it.

The only time H ever tells me he loves me is after we have sex. Then he wants to cuddle and be all affectionate, which makes my skin crawl.  Over the weekend I gave in to sex both Saturday and Sunday night because I didn't want to deal with him having one of his "lack of sex" rages.  After Saturday night, I didn't expect him to want it on Sunday night as well, but he started making advances as soon as we went to bed.  I tried gently moving his hand from all of the sexual locations several times and he eventually said in a snotty way, "so do you just want to go to sleep or what?"  This is code for, if you don't want sex I am going to be really pissed off at you and keep you up all night talking about how much of a prude you are and how much of a disappointment you are as a wife.  So I gave in for the sake of avoiding that argument.

Afterwards, I cried silently as H tried to cuddle up with me and have his arms and legs draped all over me.  It makes me angry and sick to admit that this is happening in my own marriage.  Worse yet is that he is clueless as to how this has affected me over the past several years. He is incapable of understanding where I am coming from - I have tried explaining it to him but he is unwilling to get it.  I was molested when I was 6 and he insists that I am the way I am because of that.  I honestly don't believe that is the case.  Sure, maybe I am more likely to feel "abused" or used because of what happened to me as a child, but I don't feel as though that has had some horrible long-term impact on me, meaning I survived that and don't dwell on it every day.  What really makes me angry is that H probably thinks that our marriage has taken a turn for the BETTER because I gave him sex 3 out of the last 6 nights.  Ugh.

My biggest fear is that I will not ever be able to have a normal sexual relationship with another man.  H even told me as much... . that he "has concerns" that if we split that I will do the same thing to another man (deprive him of sex).

The bottom line for me is that there is absolutely NOTHING to the emotional side of our relationship.  H is incapable of having a truly emotional tie to anyone.  He doesn't even know what to do to try and get that.  Because of that, our sex life is basically non-existent.  I have told him that our sexual needs are different and maybe it would be best if we split and found others who were more in line with our personal needs (which is when he told me I would ruin it for all future relationships as well).  But, as soon as I mention splitting up, he backs off quickly and tries to "take back" certain things he said.