BPDFamily.com

  Friends,

I have a new feeling today that I wanted to share with you all.  I also wanted to record it in case I am not feeling this way tomorrow or any time in the future.  Which I know may happen.  And also because some of you may understand.

The past few weeks I have been feeling like "my old self" the Bananas before the relationship with my uPDex is coming back. 

Today, for the first time, I feel like a BETTER Bananas!  And it was my experience with my ex that brought me to where I am now.  Before today, through all the therapy and posting here, I still felt deep down, that I wish I had never known my ex and wish I never had to go through that awful 3 year experience.  Today I feel different.  Today I feel grateful for the experience because I really love who I am today. 

Never thought I would be writing a post like this, I really want to keep working on this, keep it going it feels good!  Anyone felt anything similar?  Or am I really Bananas?  lol

Hi new bananas!

Perhaps you are in metamorphosis for pineapple or mango?

Seriously, I am happy with you! Sounds like a turnaround. Do you have an idea what helped you through?

Haha! I don't think I will change my name again. I changed it once for safety.  I call myself Bananas because my ex was always calling me crazy.  And thank you!  And Well yes, I do have an idea.  Three things happened in the last few days. 

First of all I had a conversation with an ex of my ex that answered some questions for me.  I feel that I was far enough in my detachment that instead of triggering me it brought me further along in detachment.  It gave me some peace actually.  And it really cemented the idea for me that my ex is mentally ill. 

The next thing is I had a conversation with my Mom.  A little history: I have been given the role of the family "fixer/rescuer" since a young age.  My parents have relied on me and even rewarded me for fixing all the family problems.  I am trying to get away from this role, and therapy is helping me with that.  The men in my family all have heavy N traits and I believe my brother is NPD.  (That is a story for another board... . I'll keep it short here) My Mom likes to unload on me about my Dad and my brother.  These conversations can go on for hours, I usually can't get a word in.  Well my Mom and my brother are barely speaking and my brother is using his kids as pawns, it's a real mess.  Of course my Mom expects me to fix it.  In the past I would get to work fixing!  But not this time.  Instead I kept the phone call to under 15 minutes, gave my Mom some tools to use (I taught her SET, which I learned here) and hung up the phone.  It felt good actually.  First time ever for me.

The third thing, I have been journaling a lot, mostly writing letters to my ex that I don't send.  Before today the letters were sad or angry.  Today when I sat down to write a different letter came out.  It was a letter of forgiveness, and appreciation of sorts, for putting me on this path to healing.  I still have a lot of unresolved issues from some trauma in my past that I have to work through, but I feel like I am getting stronger everyday.

I thank the universe for this Board!

Surnia, you crack me up!  lol

Bananas,

You are not bananas at all (except you are)!  Congrats on your new "old" self.  I relate to so much of what you wrote, including some of the FOO issues.  I remember not too long ago when I realized that I was "back."  And yet, it's a different me this time.  Some battle scars, some green sprouts. 

The main thing I feel these days about my r/s with pwBPD is gratitude.  As hard as it was to experience, it was a gift that I really, really needed. 

Keep up the great work, this is a new life for you! 

Thank you heartandwhole.  That is a good word.  I didn't realize until doing the work after this r/s that every serious intimate relationship I have been in has been walking on eggshells.  In my 20s, I was married, my husband was dBiPolar, alcoholic and I now suspect some BPD, (he used to cut and attempted suicide twice), In my 30s I spent 10 years with an uBiPolar alcoholic, and now this relationship in my 40s.  I was so used to chaos, I didn't know any different.  And my need to fix and rescue is so ingrained in me from my childhood, I never sought out healthy relationships. 

It will be a long time before I feel healthy enough to enter into a new r/s, but I'm OK with that, learning to be alone and starting to enjoy my own company.  :) And I will be looking for a healthy partner next time!

My grandmother used to always tell me that out of bad things comes good things.  Sometimes it takes a long time to see it.  And when you are in the bad it seems impossible that any good can come from it.  But if you are patient and present, you will find it.   

Hi bananas

thank you for clarifying what helped you out. All three things are very important. This can be also interesting for others here.

Great how you can clearly see our role in your FOO and change it now.   |iiii

Bananas, you are doing the work and it does change us when we simply radically accept the life we have, the past we have, the emotions we have - the result tends to be the feeling you describe... . you deserve happiness.

I remember when I first felt what you described - I reminded myself, "this too shall pass" - but the thing is, it doesn't go back to where we were - when we change, we change.  Life has emotions, surfing those emotions becomes less challenging once we process that core stuff.

Having chaos a constant was something I can relate too - now, I love my peace... . it took time to go through the work, but so worth it.

Nice Post - Thank you for sharing!

Peace,

SB