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Hey guys  , I've been a member of BPD Family for over a year, and this is my first time posting on the Undecided board.

2 months ago I went NC with my dBPD gf, and I fell into a deep depression. Life became too painful to handle, and recently, I wrote my gf a heart filled letter, telling her that I love her, and she responded, and we have been texting for the past week or so. Yesterday, we met, and she was very kind, telling me she loves me, wants to be with me all her life.

When I reconnected with my ex, I instantly felt happier, but being with her is SO hard  The thing about my girl is that compared to what i read on these boards, she is not as mean as some of the other pwBPD. She doesn't lie and she's not a cheater. But she is EXTREMELY low functioning. She can barely hold a job bc her anxiety is so severe.

She demands that I text her all the time, and I have to text all day long. If I don't, she starts to have severe anxiety attacks. Also, she wants to see me every day, and she will never take no for an answer. Today, we were supposed to meet, but I had a very severe headache, and wanted to stay home. When I told her that, she started to weep uncontrollably, started telling me somewhat suicidal things, and pleaded and hysterically begged me to meet her for like an hour over the phone. I kept saying "baby, I love you, I want to see you, but I feel very sick". She told me that I don't understand how anxious she is, that I don't care about her...

I feel pretty guilty about this... And I feel so sorry for the poor girl, she is suffering...

Also, I'm stuck. Without her, I feel depressed, but with her, I feel like I'm in prison. I can't be myself around her, I have to do everything she says, my schedule has to be aligned with hers, if I want to go to bed  but she is not going to bed, I have to stay up and talk to her, otherwise she becomes hysterical.

I dunno, I feel stuck, I can't win either way. But I know that the way she is now, its next to impossible to with her...

I don't know what to do...

For the most part, in the past, I knew what I wanted: stay, leave, get her back.

Now, I honestly don't know what I want.

Also, since she is so low functioning, I'm starting to suspect that she can't be with me, for her own sake. When she is with me, she gets anxiety attacks, starts to hyperventilate... Because of that, its very hard for her to do her job at times. She gets so anxious that she can't go back to work.

She claims that she needs me, that her life is bleak without me, but maybe she is better off without me. And then there is the issue that she is overbearing, and I'm not going to be able to take that kind of treatment forever...

I don't know what to do, do you guys have any advice?

I don't know if this has any value to you but I decided recently that I spend inordinate amounts of time agonising over making a decision when might be more helpful to focus on healing the issues that lead me to him in the first place. I have been wondering if I was healthy and well, emotionally, choosing might not be so difficult. So I have been spending more effort figuring out what I get from my dBPDh that is of such great value that I would tolerate the intolerable and then what that might say about me and how to address it myself. If I don't need what he provides anymore, breaking the habit might be easier. Of course, it might take a while  :).

Just a thought... .

Cska those are pretty big demands.

Have you had a SET or DEARMAN talk with her? 

Green Mango, I practice SET all the time, as well as DEARMAN. But in DEARMAN, I'm horrible with Asserting. The problem is that it's very hard for me to not go back on my assertions. Anytime I say no, she becomes hysterical, starts to hyperventilate, and I tend to backtrack to calm her down. (I can't bear to see anyone in such a state.) She also starts telling me heartbreaking things like "I can't stand the anxiety anymore, I hate my life", and I tend to backtrack.

Finally, when we are together, and I make an assertion, she grabs me, becomes hysterical, and doesn't let me go until I backtrack. And what do I do then? I can't (and won't) become physical with a girl. And she's pretty strong, so when she grabs me, its kind of hard to leave without becoming physical. I even wear my 'bad' shirts when I go see her because there is a big chance they will become torn by the time I get home.

So I start to avoid seeing her in person, and she senses that and becomes even more anxious...

So I don't know what to do...

She's not a bad person, she just does these things because she gets anxious, and I don't know how to deal with it. Its too hard for me to have to carry her throughout all of her anxiety attacks. And I'm not doing her any favors by doing that bc she won't be able to develop tools to cope with her anxiety.

During the past week, I was finally able to fix my sleep schedule. Now, since she doesn't let me go home when we meet, I'm afraid I won't be getting enough sleep. And when that happens I get migraines. I absolutely need to put my foot down.

Sorry to hear of your problems cska.

I would be preety sure her hyperventilations along with her hysterics are all self induced to manipulate you into doing what she wants.

Put the foot down and see what happens   Your health is a stake here.

So sorry to hear this, cska. 

I can relate with it, I had a lot to learn about boundaries and being assertive. 

I agree with others about boundaries and being assertive. The thing is: The more we give in the harder it gets to get out of it.

And with time there are a lot of things, the physical, the sleep, the phone and perhaps more. I would recommend to start with one, what is the most important for you.

What about attending a CODA group?

Cska it can be hard to stay the course after setting down your own expectations.

If you say one thing then she freaks then you cave it reinforces that you'll cave.

Is she in therapy? 

Green Mango, yes I know, everything has been steadily getting worse because I kept caving. Its hard not to cave, I do try.

I'm on the phone with her now as my typing this. She is crying, and keeps saying that she can't do this anymore, she can never be happy. She keeps saying "whats the point of anything, if I'm always miserable. I'm really scared. I can't do it anymore."

She says she is shaking, her hands feel numb.

She sounds suicidal, and I asked her about it, but she said she is not going to do anything. I keep telling her to go to a local crisis center.

She keeps making a demand that I do not feel comfortable doing, I'm holding my ground, but it's hard.

Yes, she has a CBT therapist, but she said that when I wasn't with her, she didn't need a therapist, but now she can't handle it. She is still with her, but she told me her therapist is currently on vacation.

It is hard not to cave.

How's the validation going? 

Can you post on staying too with how to handle this specifically?

Your job is to love her.

The clinician's job is to be tackle her mental health.

You both recognize her extreme anxiety.  Ask her to direct her needs to her therapist.  Therapists on vacation will always leave emergency numbers... . they ALWAYS have back up therapists/doctors.  They don't just take off without leaving a safety net for their patients. 

You will need to persistently tell her that you can love her and be emotionally supportive and will be.  Energy and Time and not infinite.  These are limited resources and a great deal of these resources have to be spent on earning a living in order to fulfill the very basic needs of food, shelter and clothing. 

Inevitably, the human biological needs for food, shelter and clothing come before the "emotional" needs for love, affection and companionship.  You can only devote to her your time and energy resources that are left-over after fulfilling the basics needed for just survival.

Your directing her to use her therapist as an emotional crutch is not abandonment... . that is what is the right thing to do.  You have to put her in the hands of the people who are trained. 

You may set personal limits on when you will check your texts in a day.  For example, tell her that you will check your phone only during your breaks.  Or only once a day.  To help her through emergencies, give her the numbers for Ambulance Service, Suicide hotlines, police, her own family members, her therapist and the emergency phone number for the back up of the therapist.

In order to be "there" for her, you do need to put the oxygen mask on yourself first.  This is the kindest thing you can do for her... . the most loving... . is to take good care of yourself so you can be available to her.

Hope I have helped a little... .

Green Mango, validation is ok I guess. I try to validate her feelings without actually agreeing with her as much as I can. (Although I do need to improve.)

pallavirajsinghani, thank you for your reply, its really refreshing and encouraging. You're right, I recently realized that I do need to look out for my needs, because when I don't, I become snappy and angry, and that is very very bad, seeing as pwBPD take everything very hard, even a small snappy comment.

Today was a long day. I didn't give into her demand, and she became hysterical and suicidal. I recorded her hysteric conversation with me, and then took her to the crisis center. (It was hard, she didn't want to go, but I called the police, and then she agreed to go b/c she didn't want the cops to take her.)

At the crisis center, I talked with the therapist, and played him the tape I recorded, and he said that she has to go to the hospital. At the hospital, she was involuntarily admitted into the psych facility.

She is safe now, but I know that at home, her parents will be mad at her for going to the hospital. They don't understand mental health and they will give her a hard time at home. (Thats what happened the last time she was hospitalized.) But I don't think I had a choice here. Its so hard for me to maintain boundaries, that when I say no to her, thats what happens, she has to become hospitalized.

And I validated her feelings, and tried to do SET and DEARMAN, but she still can't calm down her hysteria and suicidal thoughts.

cska,

wow, this is a great change! You did the right thing in my opinion. Validating her and standing your ground.  |iiii

How do you feel right now?

cska:  My heart swells with pride after reading your post.  You did absolutely the right thing.  That's exactly what I meant:  You can support her and love her and take her to the crises center, but you cannot do for her, what the  personnel trained in the mental health field can do. 

Continue to record the conversations as playing these records are indeed the impetus for the mental health personnel to take action.  Otherwise, it typically becomes the scenario of "the jealous boyfriend just wants to get his girlfriend in trouble."

She may be angry at her hospitalization and her parents may be angry too.  If they direct their anger to you, then calmly tell them that whenever you witness such self-destructive behavior, you will continue to involve the appropriate personnel for her physical and mental safety.  You don't need to make yourself a target of their anger and nor do you need to justify or explain too much.  They are not a jury and you are not an accused.  Calmly state your position and leave it at that... . the communication techniques (like not JADE'ing) apply in all human interaction, not just in interactions with a mentally disordered individual.

Do take very good care of yourself.  Give yourself sufficient physical and mental time out.  To reiterate, this is not abandoning her... . this is to take care of yourself so you can be there for her.

p.s.  Do not erase the recording.  Keep it safely some place.  It's purpose is not to embarrass or denigrate her... . it may be helpful in future if a pattern of instability needs to be established in order to get her proper help.

God bless.