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A few days ago, I started a thread on hypervigilance in my relationship. It's been 5 weeks since the breakup with my uBPD-ex, and I've maintained NC. Seeking Balance posed a question:


In the earliest parts of my childhood, I remember feeling the need to brace myself and feel prepared for things. Outside the house, my parents were respected and well-liked (at least to my child eyes). Inside the house, it was less predictable. I remember paying close attention to their tone of voice as some indicator of what might happen. Most of their more in-depth conversations were done behind closed doors. Often there was a frantic quality in their tones of voice. In their bedroom, behind closed doors, they'd talk about problems, gossip when they got along. Other times, they got into fights. Sometimes, I'd be startled with the sudden bang of a wooden chair (or other piece of furniture) thrown at the door. And sometimes my mom would leave the room, and threaten to call the police. I remember my sister (3 years younger) and I playing some silly game then suddenly hearing one of those sudden bangs and getting quiet. We would pause, look at each other, and not say too much about it, perhaps it was just too scary to even talk about.

When my dad was away at work, I felt close to my mom. Some afternoons, she'd take us kids to the library and we'd have calm quiet time. We could joke around. When he'd come home, he'd relate to us kids, but often the feeling was that it was through our mother.

So the fights seemed to continue to happen more often. When I was around 8-9, they seemed to reach a point where things were getting really weird. They went out on weekends. When they'd get back, sometimes it would be muffled talk. And sometimes, it would be, well, a fight. Sometimes, the fights were about my dad's suspicion of my mom's cheating. And sometimes, it was about how he was convincing my mom that she was losing her mind. For the next three years, there was this great sense of the house being in limbo. Literally, the house was going through changes - a new room added, new carpets. Several months later, they're looking at buying a new house. Most of the houses they looked at were new and had a cold feeling to them.

My parents were both high-strung, each in different ways. My mom sometimes had very dramatic (almost hysterical) responses to things - gossip, a bad behavior, any kind of surprise. As an adult, I learned that she did in fact have something terrible in her childhood - she was raped as young child. This explains a lot of the underlying feeling of fear I'd pick up from her. It would explain why she tried so hard to shelter us from, say, strangers. It also set up a dynamic where I felt I had to watch closely for any signs of emotional withdrawal or disapproval. And sometimes conversations my parents had behind closed doors, were, in fact about concerns about us. I hated being talked about. And from about age 8-11, my paranoia only increased. I began feeling like I watch things closely, not just at home, but outside the home - at school, by neighbors I didn't know so well ("strangers", and perhaps if some strange vehicle were parked nearby.

There were mixed signals for the next 3 years. On the one hand, they were looking at a new house. On the other, there were more violent fights and threats for divorce. Then, one day my mother picked us up from school, took us quickly by home to pack up a few days' worth of clothes, then broke the news - she filed for divorce. I learned that she had been having an affair for at least the last year of their marriage.

By keeping myself alert, I felt like I had better control of myself. I was constantly thinking of worst-case scenarios, as my parents continued to get absorbed in their own rants and fights. If I did show anxiety, I would get criticized or belittled. So, I had to hide it. Years later, I find myself in a relationship with a girl who felt like home. And I am finally admitting that, throughout the 14 months we were together, a lot of the old core issues resurfaced. This is a major detox process. In the next thread, I'll focus on assertiveness in childhood. Thanks for reading!

EDIT: So sorry, I got so caught up in this, that I completely forgot... .

If you've read this far, have you had a similar experience?

I suppose this could be filed under that feeling of "walking on eggshells". In this case, it was feeling like I had to watch things closely and control my responses. And, as I'm pointing out here, this pattern seems to have started in childhood.

DeRetour,

This is a very insightful account, I'm glad you shared.  I am sorry that you had to be so vigilant as a child, it is stressful and sad to be on alert for danger when so young, and I can understand your thinking that you needed to be careful.  I can definitely relate to your situation.  I remember listening intently to the sound and number of "pops" the opening of the beer cans made, and also listening carefully to when and how the front door was opened downstairs.  The sound it made, the seconds it took, told me if my father had been drinking or not.

And then, in our relationships with pwBPD, we use the skills we developed as children to cope.  Back then, we did the best we could, it was about our survival.  The problem is that today, as adults able to care for ourselves and not in danger of "death", we use those same coping strategies and cause ourselves pain. My r/s with pwBPD really showed me the extent of my childhood fear, and it was shocking to discover.

In therapy I am learning that I don't need to be hyper vigilant in relationships.  I can come back to myself and trust that I am not in mortal danger if I am hurt or betrayed.  And when the painful times come, I trust that today I can feel what I feel and it won't kill me - it may even help me.

DeRetour,

You have shown courage and strength in going this deep on this question  |iiii

Children absorb everything around them - the good and the bad.  Children naturally assume everything is about them and the quality of their connections teach them how to survive.  You survived in the way that worked for you - a testament to your strength.  However, this same skill is not really healthy for a truly healthy connection (as I think you had as the premise in the original thread).

I had no idea I was so attracted to chaos in my times of crisis (as H&W talks about)... . I think this is why "experts" say don't get into new relationships during stressful times - most of us had less than great initial connections, thus our natural coping gravitates to the unhealthy.

I am different now - I validate myself and my emotions rather than external sources.  As an adult, I have learned how to basically "reparent" my core... . sounds crazy, but it has worked.

Having to be in control or perfect to give the illusion of control in avoiding pain is exhausting... . learning to let go, you will be ok - this can really be freeing.

The greatest strength is the ability to be vulnerable and flawed - IE:  Human

Very impressive DeRetour - what is your plan for working through this?

Best,

SB

Heartandwhole,

I'm sorry that you too had to watch things so closely as a child. It's good to hear that you're working on this very thing in therapy. I know how frustrating it can be. I like what you said about trusting that you can feel what you'll feel, knowing that it not only won't kill you, but might help. I do think about this often, when facing situations that activate that feeling of having to brace myself and prepare for the worst. Fortunately, I begin therapy tomorrow. Hyper vigilance will definitely be something I want to address over time. I want to be able feel completely safe in my body.

Heartandwhole, thank you so much for reading and sharing.

deretour

Yes. And the thing is, I truly thought that I was over the hyper vigilance, having previously gone to therapy for a few years. In this relationship, however, it must have creeped up and had a serious crescendo over those 14 months. Because since the breakup, I've realized that I have a whole lot of it now.


I didn't really think of it as chaos at the time, although... . now that I think about it, there was a lot of excitement at the beginning, before we even got into a relationship. My gut was telling me that things weren't right. People in healthy relationships don't go through physical withdrawal symptoms when their loved one is away or running late! So perhaps that counts. Hm. Right now, as sad as I feel when I'm walking among happy-looking couples holding hands, I know that I'll need some time to just work on myself. Besides, it's hard enough even leaving home and face people.


SB, this is good to hear. It also gives me hope that this is a surmountable goal.


So, I begin therapy tomorrow. It will be good to address these core issues.

If you have a moment, two questions on something related to therapy: What's the name of the DBT book that helped you understand pwBPD thinking? And, do you think DBT might be a good modality of therapy for a "non"?

SB, thank you for asking that helpful question in the "Leaving" thread, as well as your insightful feedback here!

-deretour

Good for you - I am always impressed when people decide to work on their issues.  It is not easy, but so worth it.


I read A LOT of information - I needed to understand so I could really "get" it wasn't about me.  Once I got honest about it all, I realized my mother has strong PD traits also.

Marsha Linehan's work is fantastic for the facts

Tami Green youtube (all of them) really humanized it from someone high functioning to the outside

The Buddha and The Borderline - again very real, humanized for someone fighting for their recovery.

Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder is quite good too.

Splitting by Bill Eddy from the legal perspective


DBT is currently used with all kinds of addictions, especially with teens.  I think of it as emotional kindergarten with skills that are helpful for anyone.  DBT self help website gives a good overview as does the DBT workbook.  I don't think full out DBT is necessary for a non, but learning the skills and practicing with a T is only going to help identify emotions and change behavior.

DeRouter - it's funny, once I accepted this was all real and accepted that I needed to let myself "be" in my emotions as I processed, it did all get a bit easier.  I had been in T in the past, but it wasn't until I truly understood the dynamic of having an invalidating family environment did I realize how deep my attachment/connections were ingrained.  Change takes extreme awareness IMHO.

Peace,

SB

SB, This is one of the reasons I've been working on gaining a better understanding of the illness as well.


Just watched a few short Youtube videos of hers - articulate and easy to follow. Thanks for this!


Ah, this is a good challenge. Thanks for the reminder. When I had previously gone to a therapist, he would remind me to "hang out with" my emotions, as opposed to simply thinking thoughts.

Thanks SB!

deretour