BPDFamily.com

Hello All... .

My sister in law has a 20 year old son who might be Borderline. He verbally abuses her because he claims she is crazy and blames her for his miserable life. She's a screamer so the Dad left 2 years ago because he just couldn't stand the constant yelling and screaming anymore. Yes, my SIL is borderline and either doesn't know it or doesn't care. Her son has a 2 year old little girl who doesn't live with them but is at the house almost every weekend. Mom doesn't hold this young man accountable for anything. She takes care of the baby when she's there because her son sleeps till 1pm. He calls her horrible names and she screams right back at him... . the cycle continues. She was just diagnosed with Neuromyelitis Optica, an auto immune disorder that attacks the nerves. He doesn't care that his Mom's in pain. He won't even drive his Mom to her doctor's appointments. The house is a pig sty but the 20 year old doesn't care. The other day my SIL found his bong on the kitchen table.

That's the short of it. My wife is an absolute wreck. Everytime she goes down to help(it's about a 2 hour drive) and she usually ends up losing control of her emotions and comes home crying. Some of you might recall that my wife runs a Family Connections group in our area. We have a 29 year BS who is doing OK at the moment.

This situation is soo out of control, my wife doesn't know where to turn to get her some help and she may not even want that help! Is there anyone out there who might have some words of wisdom. I see this situation with my sister-in-law ending very badly if "something" isn't done soon.

RG

Hi rgg,

The system would be different where you are to where I am. I would ring the child services people here who would investigate the situation (it can be done anonymously). It would then go into the social services system. I would suggest that the household was abusive, the child suffers from neglect and there is a fear of violence. I would want to ensure that legal processes for the child's welfare were in place.

I personally (hard hearted person that I can be) would not try to help the adults here. If they asked for my help, I would do what I could, and I would want them to know I would want to support them, my boundaries would be solid. But, I would do everything I could for the child. I would devote my weekends to being able to be there for him for an intensive short term, and hope that things improved with the involvement of the authorities. I would be prepared to do all I could for the little one. Offer to take her to the zoo, to go shopping, the swimming pool... . anything to get her out of the house to provide some relief and to let her learn that there is a calm adult in the world. And hopefully establish a relationship with her.

I would want to let the authorities know that I am around so that I can have input. If I were in your shoes, I would not want to bring the poor baby into my home permanently - because it would bring in the father and gradma too and I would want my own family to be solidly BPD 'free' - I would be thinking of my own son who would be vulnerable to the changes this would mean.

What I would do would be different to the responses of others, and probably yourself. It depends on: what resources are available in your community; what level of responsibility you feel to the adults in the situation; what your values based boundaries say to you. My community is reasonably good with child protection and I know how the system works; I feel no responsibility to adults when it comes to child protection; my values say I must do what I can to protect the child.

good luck rgg

Vivek