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Up till now any contact has been me being the puppy dog... . To a degree at least... . Today I emailed this:

I'm sorry your mom treated you the way she did growing up. I'm sorry she didn't love you like she should have. I gave you all the love a man could. You saw my innocent actions as something bad. I realize looking back just how crappy you treated me. You were rude, disrespectful, childish, selfish, manipulative... . I don't even know if you're aware that you were because you learned those behaviors from you mom as a child. The guilt she I stilled in you for so much... . You pushed me over 5 months to snapping back as an interrogator does a prisoner... I finally broke. If it weren't for me knowing you 14 years and my dad passing, I'd have walked away at the first few red flags you gave me. But I stayed and allowed my self to be abused emotionally regularly by you without you even seeing it. I know your heart is good, therefore I believe you are unaware of just how bad you were to me. You caused the fights... . I found a letter where I wrote you telling you how scared I was to just talk sometimes... . You did that, not me. I'm sorry I stayed so long. Please look back and try to reflect. No one deserves to be treated the way you treated me. Fix yourself before you find someone else. Your negative beliefs about me are just not true. And you're responsible for so so so much more than you think. Most of it really, I loved you like no other... . And you walked all over me and I'm sorry I let you do that.

I'm seeing someone, so I won't be trying to contact you anymore. If you need help, I will help you still. But that's about it.

Please reflect and grow... . You have such potential to be an amazing partner. I believe in you still after everything.

Best,

(My name)


So not sure... . I really hope she reads it. But maybe not. Any thoughts?

I texted her to say:

Sent you one last email. I hope you'll read it and take it to heart. I won't be contacting you anymore.

what is your goal from the email?

Idk... . But I got a call from the police... . Unbelievable.

Oh man. I'm sorry to see your ex couldn't just accept the last e-mail and move on. Calling the cops is so juvenile and paranoid. 

That also worries me. When my ex and I broke up the final time he threatened to call the cops on me, which is beyond ludicrous. Somehow when we stand up for ourselves to pwBPD, it warrants calling the cops. When we speak truth to them, they run to law enforcement. Give me a break.

I have been doing NC for six weeks with my ex but my e-mail got hacked recently and a phishing scam was sent to all my contacts. Now I hope he doesn't call the police on me for thinking I am trying to contact him. I also don't want him to think I want to contact him because I don't. When he and I would break up in the past, he blocked me every which way, so I'm hoping with the last bad b/u he blocked me on e-mail and it's still blocked and he didn't receive the hack phishing.

I'm absolutely shocked right now... .

So, you sent an email to someone without knowing why or for what purpose?

The police said what exactly?

Perhaps a silly question, but... .

How do you know for sure that it was truly the police?

I have sent similar things at times.   The problem is they can't see they are the problem.   You will just get more blame.   I think it just adds fuel to the fire.

I'm sorry to hear it, Relentless.

These things -- we seek closure, because it's a normal thing to want. We forget, though, that their brains don't work like ours do. Which is why we are so often stunned and gutted by the responses we get from them.

I'm sorry she called the police. Sending someone one email is hardly a criminal act.

I have come to assume that the only shocking thing a pwBPD could do is act "normal." I am not shocked she overreacted. I would be shocked if she was accountable or courteous. That's a hard attitude to maintain because it goes against most people's nature.

Well, I think you know what you must do now: Do NOT send any more emails, or communicate in anyway!

I'm guessing she actually still does expect you to email her, even after the police nonsense. Scratch that, because of the police nonsense.

Do yourself a favor, surprise her. Do Not email her.

Take care of yourself now. Be smart.

Relentless did you send this out of blue?  Was she trying to communicate with you and this was your response?

when you said you were "seeing someone", did you mean dating?... . because that could be what set her off into a rage that resulted in calling the police

Relentless,

I am so sorry you had to experience further pain and trouble by her getting the police involved.

The only thing you can do is stay NC.

Close all portals to her.

Otherwise more pain and worse things await.

We are here for you.

I feel for you Relentless, her getting the police involved is definitely uncalled for. However, I am not surprised she called the police. To your BPDex, all she can see from the letter is that you're attacking her, none of the positive things you said matter because she only see things in black and white.

Relentless, I totally understand where you're coming from in your letter. She meant so much to you at one time but treated you badly, and you want her to see her role in the dysfunctional relationship, how she behaved poorly, and for her to acknowledge she acted badly and then as a result choose to seek help to heal herself. A lot of people want this for their BPDexes, I know because I'm one of them! So it's not just you. The problem is she cannot accept the blame and the resultant shame that arises from that.

Somebody wrote, and it might've even been a pwBPD that wrote this, that a pwBPD is like one big nerve ending. We nons often see them as cold and calculating, but the behavior that we experience are maladaptive coping strategies to deal with the highly charged emotions they feel. So in a situation where a non like you or me might feel discomfort or mildly upset, a pwBPD might have a very heightened fight or flight reflex pumping through their system, and then they have an extreme reaction beyond what most people think the situation would call for. Like calling the police on somebody who sends them an unpleasant email.

I believe writing a letter like this is more for us than for them (the BPDex). We get out our feelings, we express part of our interior monologue, just getting it out into something visible like a written letter is different than the thoughts merely bouncing around in our heads. I've seen other people write on the forums that they write these letters to their BPDexes but never send them, that it helps/helped in their own healing.

Relentless, you didn't do anything wrong. Hope you are doing okay.

That is a fantastic way to put it and it explains a lot of their actions. Their hypersensitivity creates so many problems.

@ seeking, I was finally taking a stand and sending an honest but loving email... . I wanted what Learning curve described. I was in the midst of it happening and literally talked to the police like 2 minutes before responding.

It was not out of the blue, I hadn't contacted her for two weeks, then over the weekend sent a nice text hoping she was ok.

Today I sent that and the text saying I was done. But I meant everything as best I could.

It was the police because I called back. And the number was the police. It's legit.

I'm in shock even though I shouldn't be. I guess I'll probably never hear from them again... . Friends 13.5 years then dated 6 months. Crazy... . Just crazy. I texted her dad to tell him I didn't belittle her... . He texted back STOP CONTACTING US.

I'm heartbroken on so many levels right now... .

Thanks everyone.

Relentless - I am sorry you are so hurt.

I know it is not fair, but that family does not seem to want contact of any sort.  Please take the police warning and stay away for your own good.

Do you have some friends you can hang out with or something planned that you can do to take your mind off this?

I keep checking here. Reading. I'm absolutely devastated. I truly don't get how she made me promise to never go away countless times, and I believed it all... . All the times she said she would get better. It's like she can't see with normal vision. I'm at a loss for words.

I wish I never would have done a urging intimate with her. I keep thinking of all the good I did to her and for her... . How much time and love I gave... . For it to get to this... .

Will she ever realize what she had? I never gave so much to a woman... . Knew her 13.5 years... . Had a magical night and fell in love. ACTUALLY believed it was some Nicholas Sparks "Notebook" stuff goin on.

Ugh... . I would not take her back... . But I still wish she would come back one day... . For anything.

I know it is hard - especially since you were friends for so long.

what exactly did the police say to you?  Did they file a restraining order?

No, the guy was real cool. I told him a bit of the story, lucky for me, unlucky for him, he knew about BPD... . Said "oh oh yaa" when I asked if he was familiar with it. Followed by "got it in the family, deal with it all the time"

We talked for a bit, he said for me not to contact her and it would be all good. He seemed really understanding. He said she might snap out if her crazy delusion one day, but that I shouldn't contact her. If she contacts me first then it's cool.

Idk if that will happen though. She moved away for 4 months. She will be back around Xmas time. It's all so effed up.

This is one of the most profound things I have read on here and explains so much if you really look at it this way.

glad he was cool - it worked out well for you then.

Man to man I feel for you.  Its horrible I know.  What you need to do now is go somewhere and talk to some trusted friends or family that you haven't had time for lately because you've been embroiled in this drama.  It will feel good to talk to others and also check up on old buddies.  At some point you are going to have to sit down and make a plan for what you want to do with yourself from this point forward, the current path isn't going to cut it.

Posting and reading here will help as well.

Ouch.  I know that has to be hard, Relentless. 

This is hauntingly familiar:


My ex once said when he was dysregulated, "I've got a raw nerve!"  He was all fired up about something between us that would be a non-issue for most people after one of his therapy sessions.  I became cautious of being around him after his therapy sessions after that episode.

Thanks everyone. I'm just in awe of it. The only two things I sent were what I posted here... . No adjustments... . Copied and pasted. The stuff I said about her mom is stuff she told me and from what I remember knowing her way back when.

It's hard to think of all the good times and the intimacy we shared leading to this... . I'm just hurt and numb right now. Idk what to think or do.

I still hope she realizes things... . I mean I didn't do anything really... . Did I? Maybe I wasn't this grand Bf that I think I was.

You may want her to do something she isn't capable of doing (realizing her part of the issues; realizing how hard you tried, realizing what's being throw away [relationship/love]).

It's not you.  It's her issue.

It doesn't matter how good or bad of a BF you were, it's her issue.

Don't feel bad about writing the letter.  From time to time, I've wanted to do the same.  Many of us "want to be heard" (look for the article on what keeps people stuck on this site).  There is a self-serving goal to writing it though.  We, as the "non", are attempting to get them to "see the light" and change, so "we" can get back to the idealization phase.  To me, this is false hope, the #1 reason people attempt to salvage these relationships and recycle.

When false hope dies, true healing begins.  It takes a lot of time and effort to get to this point - at least it did for me.

Thanks Recoil and everyone else... . Anyone have people try to come back after some time? I guess she was just mirroring me, but it felt so real. Her parents said she never talked about a guy like she did me. Idk. What a mind game. I don't get how she can just stay like this forever a d not miss me eventually... . But hey, now maybe... . Idk.

I don't want her back. I could never trust her again. I hate that I gave so much only to end up here... . I am ashamed I ever did anything intimate with her... . She wanted to wait, so we didn't have sex, but other stuff that I didn't do with very many people or much at all. I never had so much passion to kiss someone.

I can't get those thoughts out if my head. I don't get how she can just walk away and be a complete jerk to me after I was there for her for 14 years, and for the last 6 I did everything for her... . Did she lie? She said she needed me so much. I didn't do a thing to earn this treatment. And I know this, but I FEEL like a complete failure. I felt like I was the best bf ever (and it was specific to how she made me feel, I never was that good for another). And yet I ensured her abuse which she is blind to.

I thought my email overall was pretty nice and caring... . With the hard truth built into it.

Thanks everyone who took the time to read this all... . Anyone have crazy stuff like this happen then still get contacted down the road? I'm more curious than anything.

Because she was never really, truly there... .

You're hurting, Relentless. Here is a hug for you. 

If it's any consolation, I think you were most likely a very caring and loving person who tried your best to love and care for somebody with a serious mental illness. That is the truth of many of us here. The other truth is that she is "crazy", a not so nice term for the mentally ill but maybe it drives the point home? To you 2+2=4, but to her 2+2=a duck smoking cigars or whatever she feels it is at that moment in time.

The way your ex processes thoughts and feelings and reacts to them is dysfunctional. Whatever she feels at the time is fact to her. So when she feels angry at you, whatever you did for her over the last 14 years has no bearing because she also processes everything in black and white terms. If she was to realize that she hurt you, then she would also feel intense shame, and to avoid that, she cannot accept it and places all the blame on you. Can you remember back to any times where what she said was totally opposite of the facts? That was part of her maladaptive coping strategies.

I agree with what recoil wrote. It's not you. The only thing that is you is why you stayed with her so long. When you figure this out and come to accept it, that is probably when you will feel healed. I know I myself am not fully there yet, but it feels like a journey worth undertaking.

A new classic, right there.

Oh ya. Plenty if times she said things that didn't match up. Or she would change the things I said. One night she was cursing me out, and I said, "If you can't respect me, you should leave." She remembers me yelling at her to "get out". She's convinced, and that wasn't the only time she remembered something different than it was. It was super rare if ever she fully took blame. Once it twice, but it was through some warped rationale.

There are plenty of reasons for me to have left... . But I stayed because I loved her and she said she would get better.

I still in the back of my head hope she gets help and looks back and realizes that she abused the crap out of me and that I stood by her and met all her wants/needs more than most would (because my dad died weeks before we started dating... . And I think that played a huge role in it all for me putting up with everything).

Thanks learning and everyone. Anyone ever have worse happen or similar only to have them try to come back One day? I'm actually hoping she does not try to... . Because I worry I would give her a chance down the road... .

Idk. Time for me now... .

Thanks. I'm sorry for all experiencing this pain. I wish I wouldn't have broken NC. They all hate me now, who knows what she told her dad. I miss the good times... . And I worry I won't find another that I truly love kissing like I did her.

Relentless I remember plenty of those mixed up reactions to conversations.  Yelling when you weren't, things said that werent, etc.

This is part of the disorder.  It cam throw you for a loop.

Which way from here since you sent the closure email?

Relentless--Within the eye of the hurricane all appears calm, yet the swirling storm engulfs any static position lying in its track. As nons, despite empirical evidence of collateral damage, we chase that eye. We assume the risk--for desire.

All things change. All things are in motion. All relationships are transitory. Some are more transitory than others.

It is a relational disorder, in which the circuitry to accept responsibility for byzantine behavior is maladapted. The ties that bind, unwind, uncoil, and become serpentine. The once loving Dove, now appears reptilian, and strikes. In a moment, all has changed. In-the-blink-of-an-eye. When relational ties become so disjointed and the individual segments in the relational chain exist in an incoherent state, emptiness sets in. To be alien. To feel alien. Followed by all consuming need.

To question why is all-together natural, but the non is rarely culpable to a any significant degree. We choose to linger, or leave, that is the extent of our input. Those are our individual choices.

To say that that those truly diagnosed, left untreated, are not in pain--is a fallacy. For we know, that we would not wish this disorder on any of our loved ones. As it stands, we have all become too well acquainted with suffering. Ripples in the pond.

When the circuitry that controls meaningful relational bonds, are substantially impaired, shame sets in. Desperate need drives the disordered engine, and unhealthy coping tools are not perceived as choices, but as compulsions. Those compulsions beget shame. What we perceive as their volitional choices, are the instruments of our suffering. And so which came first the chicken or the egg?

To question, their needs vs. our needs, is to imply that we know their needs. We can only know ourselves. The closer one gets to truly peering inside their Pandora's box of needs, the more apparent it becomes that these extremely eccentric and bizarre souls were never intended to be possessed by others. I know that hurts. That is why we are here. In certain contexts acceptance is a wonderful word. It has a broad application, in these matters. It allows our suffering to diminish, because it ultimately tempers desire.

Go easy on yourself. Let things be.     

         

Bravo, Conundrum! Very eloquent post, and quite insightful.

Omgoodness I use to tell myself this exact same thing. You know what I figured out? That her parents know there's an issue they just don't understand it, or know that it's serious, at least in my case. without question time has a way of revealing truths, it is ever moving. Shut that negative voice that's telling you these things down, it's lying to you.

What I also figured out, and this is important, while we were on again, off again, whenever my ex was upset with me and her parents got involved... it wasn't because they were angry with me, though it sounded that way, instead they were upset because they didn't know how to handle her out of control emotional outbursts about me. There is a difference. Bottom line they wanted me to rescue them, if things were ok between us, she was fine and they could continue to bury their heads in the sand.

Thanks so much to everyone. I'm still struggling a bit... . Thinking of the first time we did things... . And how much fun we had when it was good. The few times she did something for me... .

I'm doing well. I know I treated her amazingly well.

I just hope she doesn't try to come back after I moved on and attempt to ruin something good in the future. She probably won't, but then again I was sure she would never do this let alone break up with me and cut me out indefinitely.

Her dad texted me STOP CONTACTING US... . I am done and won't even try. It was so hard to read, because I have only good intentions and mean only to help.

This thread has helped immensely... Why do I still want her to come back one day? It's crazy after realizing how hitty she treated me.

I'm sorry Relentlesss, I understand how hard that was to read. The fact her dad contacted you further shows she is not an adult handling her own affairs, on her own. Ok not an affair, you know what I mean. You did not contact "us", you contacted your ex. You are an adult and unless there was some sort of no contact order you didn't break the law.

Struggling here, too, Relentless. It's our thing, for awhile. As a daughter of a friend of mine recently said, "We're all just riding the struggle bus!"

You want her to come back because you loved her. There's a vast chasm between the woman you fell in love with, and the BPD alter-ego, if that's even fair to say. You love the woman. But she doesn't come without the BPD, unfortunately.

The light at the end of the tunnel is that there are lots of women who don't have BPD. Might take awhile to find one, but that gives us the meantime to work on ourselves, because we can all improve.

Hang in there. Keep posting.

Are you saying he fell in love with the good facet of his pwBPD? I think we fall in love with the whole package. I somehow loved and became deeply attached to both the good aspects and the flawed behavior of my uBPDex bf. Maybe his complexities were more interesting to me. Exhausting, yes, but I think they brought me closer to him because I saw how vulnerable he is.

I agree with you, peas. In fact, I used to pretty regularly tell my ex, "At least you're never boring!" I always thought she was fascinating. My problem became that, as more and more of the dark side of BPD encroached on our day-to-day existence, it wore me out. I don't find misery fascinating -- I find it exhausting, as you say.

But she kept reassuring me that, if I would just keep loving her, she would get better. And then she'd dysregulate, because no matter how steady I was, in her mind, I wasn't providing enough love or validation. Which, to her, translated into me withholding the love and validation that she felt she deserved. And, once she was dysregulated -- which happened fast -- no amount of validation was enough -- she rejected it all outright and demanded apologies for my failures and new guarantees that I would somehow never do anything that would lead her to worry again. Madness.   

Thanks again everyone. I unfortunately had a nice dream last night where her and I were together. Sucked to wake up and have a smile on my face. Though much better now than a few weeks ago.

Who knows what the future holds... . I know I'm going to work on me. I feel like if pwBPD mirror us... . And we love being around them... . Then maybe that just shows us we are awesome and we should love ourselves the way we felt loved by them at their best.

Hope everyone is well.

Very insightful Relentless  |iiii

I read Relentless O.P and it is exactly what I want to say as I read it. And then i read the above 2+2 quote and the tears forming in my eyes just stopped because of this quote. Thank you.

Awesome! Great insight, Relentless, and thank you for pointing that out!  |iiii

Hello Johan, thank you for the kind words. 

It's okay to cry when you feel like it, and it's okay not to cry when you don't feel like it. It's always okay to be you because who else is cut out for the job, eh? Best wishes to you!