BPDFamily.com

This was an interesting weekend... . I've been listening to several books about BPD and how to deal with it as a non... . I've been learning about validation, SET, DEAR, etc. And I've been trying to use them more.

My wife has been coping with the fact that she has this disorder, that she doesn't feel like she can talk to anyone about it (her mother most likely has it and wouldn't understand, not a lot of family members she can talk to and not a lot of really close friends that she would feel comfortable talking about this subject, she also feels like the stigma attached to this is worse than even schizophrenia), and she's dealing with several family issues and health issues. Personally, I think she's been holding together pretty well all things considered.

She finally reached a point where she felt like she was going to end up crying at the hall unable to control herself and she sent me an e-mail letting me know. I text messaged her asking if I could call, she said that I could. I listened to what she had to say and managed to use SET pretty well. She said she finally felt like her feelings were validated (which is kind of the point) and that she was able to get back under control.

Later that night, I could tell that she was still a bit dysregulated. So we talked some more, I don't think I was doing as well with SET as I had earlier, but she was able to tell me what she needed at that moment, rather than just getting further frustrated and more dysregulated (which is how these conversations usually go). I needed to stop sounding so clinical and relate more of what I was feeling to her (while continuing to use SET) the conversation got much better and I think we avoided a pretty big potential fight that could have been very bad.

Another interesting point was that she kept stating that she was worried that she was going to make me mad or upset. I tried to explain that she doesn't control my emotions and that it's up to me to regulate those myself. This was and is a very difficult concept for her, because from her point of view other people do almost directly control her emotions. I, on the other hand have found it very empowering to take back ownership of my own emotions (and yes, I know that won't always be easy). There were several times when she was upset over something or other this weekend and I reminded myself that those were her feelings and I didn't need to take them on myself, so I didn't.

So, just starting out I can see how things can get better using these tools. I'm pretty excited to learn more and get better at it so it become easier rather feeling like I'm just repeating the same sentences over and over again to avoid that "clinical" feeling that can come across. Lots to learn!

The more you practice, the easier (and more natural sounding) it becomes.  You are off to a good start.  Have you had a chance to explore boundaries yet?

I'm working on boundaries. I still haven't figured out exactly what boundaries to set. I know I need to set some around her self harm, trying to decide when I should call 911, etc. I have recently set aside time on the weekend for me to go shopping to the local comic book store, so I can go in, look around and hang out a bit instead of having to run in real quick on my way home from work and that has been a nice bit of time just for me. So I'm getting there. I've got a lot to learn. I'll be starting to go to a group class for people with family members who have mental disorders this weekend and I'm looking forward to that.