BPDFamily.com

I was wondering of anyone had any experience on the signs to look for when a BPD begin to detach from her new S/O?

Is it based on previous pattern of behavior? Does anyone know of any studies of how long it generally lasts?

Any inputs would be greatly appreciated.

Speaking for myself and my uBPDex, one component was sex. She started lamented about headaches and pains. She stopped having sex with me after our last child was born and projected on me that I'm the one that was denying sex (like I control that) That was over 2 years ago.

with mine the sex slowed down a little nothing major, but the pasive/aggressive insults started, little slights that starting escualting to full blown insults. at some of the other times she would start wanting to put distance between us. This all would result into full blown rages and then the push away would start.

Honestly, there is not a one size fits all for this because every dynamic is different.  Some people naturally are better at validating emotions, others are more direct - as such may trigger a pwBPD quicker.

One thing that is pretty much on point is from article 9 - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

PwBPD are masters at "faking" normal - so you might not even know that there were problems until it is too late.  False Belief #2 talks more about this.

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening.

When any relationship breaks down, it’s often because the partners are on a different “page” – but much more so when your partner suffers with borderline personality disorder traits.

Unknown to you, there were likely significant   periods   of   shame,   fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship.

A strong indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

My ex is a master of being subtle & using social media to have a 'private' go at you.

Such as... . I've heard at the weekend her & the new guy were out with ex's sister & there was some kind of trouble on the way home at the end of the night. My ex's whats-app profile pic now has some pic of a woman with a slogan underneath reading "Mean girl? Oh no honey I'm what they call an honest BITCH".

Not very classy, and not even correct (she's far from honest). But I'll go with the bhit bit!

It's not something you'd put up as a profile pic if you're still honeymooning a new partner, you wouldn't want them seeing you profess stuff like that about yourself.

It's far more likely to be her showing him she's quite happy with her side of whatever's gone wrong & she's not backing down. It's public to hurt him. And VERY childish (BPD to a tee).

There's always something going on in the background with their new relationships. ConfusedHubby, when it starts to go belly up you'll spot the little signs my man! You know how your ex works, I know how mine works & although we can't predict their unpredictability, eventually we can read their behavior. And it's easier looking in from the outside!

My ex started distancing by not wanting to go out and do anything. She would have physical ailments and use that for reasons of not wanting to be intimate in the bedroom. Less affection. Less communication about the relationship. Started snapping at me for little things (unintentional) both in private and in public.

What I have experienced over the last three months is she either becomes more responsive or contacts me when things are bad between her and the replacement.

Responding to this thread is difficult because I was sensitive to the changes in my ex when he started detaching and it was painful seeing the beginning of the end.

The signs he gave me were:

--avoided sex

--avoided meaningful conversations

--texts and phone calls were shorter and less frequent

--stopped including me with his friends

--picked more fights and was quick to anger

--nit-picked me more

--drank more

I was wondering the same thing myself... . I got a text tonite from the new girl and she wanted to know if I talked to him lately. All I replied was no and she said thank you... . so I am now wondering what is going on... . I didn't want to ask and I just reply with a one word answer. Saturday my phone went off also and it was a text that said bal and I was like who is this and she replied oh my phone dialed your phone I was checking my bank balance. Who texts for a bank balance... . I don't know what is going on but leave me out of it... . I am done and don't want anything to do with them... . but I am still curious to know if its starting to go belly up and the love of his life will be no more... .

the signs for me that her next r/s were going sour:

--she would contact me and talk to me in a respectful manner. meant she wanted something.

--borderline flirting with me, or simply flirt with me. totally disrespectful to her new "love of her life"

--her telling me that her (now ex) bf sent her insane text messages all night berating her, calling her every fowl name under the sun, then wanting me to feel sorry for her

--me hearing from neighbors/friends that her next next ex stole all her credit cards and IDs

--me hearing from other friends, them calling her foul names or saying they felt "dirty" but couldn't understand why just from hanging around her. this actually really hit me hard, it wasn't a triumphant moment at all, even if it did confirm my thoughts on her behaviors  :'(


towards the end of our r/s though, jollygreen hit the nail on the head--she'd lie and make excuses, fake rage, fake fear of physical violence from me, whatever to justify distancing us:

thanks goldy, I would also add something similar to peas.  My ex began drinking, and smoking more and more both grass and tobacco.  All three things she said she'd never do again at the beginning of our relationship because her words "it makes me a terrible person."  Three years later, I now understand.  Also ironically things started to go haywire three months towards the end.  This seems to be a trend.  I guess you're asking more for what they do when they're with someone else and it falls apart. I haven't really experienced any contact because I am strict NC.  But this was what I went through and can imagine that this is the same with their new knight in shining armor.

Mine would just say over and over and over he was leaving til I would blow and kick him out

He became nasty to me. I didn't matter. At all