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 One of the biggest benefits falling out of my failed BPD r/s has been working the ACA (adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families). I did my first meeting right after the r/s ended almost 11 months ago. I also started working CoDA. For me the real healing is in ACA - CoDA gives me skills to live day to day.

Over these 11 months i do at least one telephone meeting each day and do a f2f combination ACA/CoDA meeting a week. I have come out of denial - my childhood wasn't a good or functional as I thought.

In the r/s she would suddenly "split" and run - something small I said or did would trigger her. This was a frequent thing. It would create Huge abandonment feelings in me. Then she would return after what she called time outs. We would make love and everything would be fine until ... . the next time. A year of this ground 25 pounds off of me - I was a nervous emotional wreck.

She finally did a last run away ... . back to her husband (I didn't know she was still married til the very last). The betrayal and cycles of abandonment left me devastated.

But now I know why! My dad was a traveling salesman who left every Monday, when he return he would sleep all weekend (hungover). When he was away my mom would threaten me with leaving to control or punish me. There are many more details.

So today I am going to a monastery and doing a ACA 4th step (Tony A style): "We made a searching and blameless inventory of our parents because, in essence, we had become them."

I will write this out today and tomorrow morning and then in the afternoon do my 5th step: "We admitted to our Higher Power, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our childhood abandonment.

I have done several AA 5th steps at the monastery. It is a very wonderful place and the Franciscans are amazing wise and kind men. But this ACA work is fundamentally different than my AA work and very healing. It is my 'solution'.

I see now why I was attracted to the ex: "We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs. That is ACA's laundry list trait 4. I see being in a r/s with a BPD as no different than living with an alcoholic AND I was recreating my mothers abandonment. Very, very unhealthy. I had abandoned myself

But I am healing each day and coming to find my true self. Much of that is in my inner child who I have ignored so long (he was terrified of the ex). My fifth step is a chance to let him speak. That is a gift to him from my newly emerging loving parent. And I can be grateful to the r/s for bringing me to today.

Brent

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Such an awesome post Nolison. Thank you for sharing this.

Bingo.

such courage, strength and hope in this post nolisan.

Thank you for sharing.

SB

That sounds so beautiful and healing. And inspiring too. I like to think that we all have an emerging loving parent in there. It feels good when that part of us stands up and steps forward doesn't it.

Enjoy the Monastery, it sounds lovely.

Love Blazing Star