BPDFamily.com

I am new to this site. I am seeking help with my mother. I am not 100% sure she has BPD but I see a lot of the symptoms and experience a lot of her rage and hate followed by her making me feel guilty for doing exactly what she asked me to do and that was leave.

She is the personification of I HATE YOU, Don't leave me.

I have sought counseling for myself just so I can make sense of it all. Things got better, but whenever I establish boundaries it blows up in my face. She get notions and runs with them with complete disregard to what she is doing and who she is hurting.

We are currently not speaking per her request... . which she quickly got enraged that I followed along with. She cannot see my position at all. I just got married 2 weeks ago and the day after my wedding things imploded. It's awful. It's painful. I was hoping to locate a local support group that I can attend. I live in San Diego, CA.

Hi shauna, and welcome to bpdfamily!

I'm sorry to hear that your struggling in a difficult relationship with your mother. It's always tough to feel negativity and mixed messages coming from the people closest to us.

I'd like to tell you that you're on the right track -- just being here and taking this first step to post on these boards indicates that you're someone who is willing to take the initiative to try to figure out what's going on, in hopes of ideally finding some resolution. So many people here have gone through so many different types of situations with their loved ones -- myself included. I'm sure that you'll find the people here to be open-minded and willing to listen -- and I hope, like me, you'll find some peace of mind as you read the materials here, and interact with the other members. As one of my fellow ambassadors on these boards says, "You've come to the right place for support!" (Reg)

I'm glad to hear that you've sought out counseling for yourself -- it does help to get an objective perspective from someone who is professional trained to provide feedback. Or, as I'm sure you've experienced already -- sometimes it just helps to have someone who will sit there and listen to your story.

BPD is a tough thing to diagnose -- it's totally normal for you to wonder whether or not your mom really suffers from it. Regardless, you deserve to be treated decently and sanely by everyone in your life, including your mother. She doesn't get any special dispensation to mistreat you, just because she's your mom.  

You can learn more about what BPD looks like here: What are the Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder? (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm)

Reading that will likely lead you to have more questions, so you may want to go here to get familiar with how these discussion boards are set up (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70490.0).

Another article you may want to read is: How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a108.htm)

After that, you may want to see what people are talking about over at the Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw (http://www. Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw) board -- and feel free to start your own "thread" by posting more of your story there. When you pick a specific board to focus on, your posts will get read by a lot more people, and you'll likely get a lot more helpful feedback and support. Of course, you'll always be free to move to the other discussion boards, as well -- but most of us find that depending on what kind of r-ship we're in, and what the status of that r-ship is, we spend most of our time on one board or another.

Lastly, congratulations on your wedding! I hope you and your hubby are finding it possible to enjoy the beginning of this new phase in your lives together, and that the troubles with your mom aren't keeping you from being happy during these special days.

Again, welcome -- we look forward to hearing more from you.

Hang in there,

eyvindr

Hi, shauna!

I just wanted to add my welcome. Mothers with BPD have a notoriously hard time coping when their children get married and have babies. These milestones signify that a child is ready to separate and survive on its own. That is very difficult for people who are terrified of abandonment.

I'm glad you are here and also that you have a Therapist for support.  I hope you will keep reading and posting.

Wishing you peace,

PF

Oh boy! i feel ya on this one. My mother had NPD/BPD traits, but i had no idea what that was until after she died. So you are waaaay ahead of me! And my therapist has been such an awesome resource for me, since she helped me figure out what was going on with my mother and then my husband because, wouldn't you know it, he has some of the traits too.

There's just so much drama with a pwBPD, and like Eyvindr i hope you and your new hubby can enjoy the newness of your marriage with relatively little drama from your mom! :)

Just wondering, are you using your real name? bpdfamily takes the privacy of their members very seriously, since some of the boards are visible to visitors. The new members board is NOT visible, but they try to keep any identifying facts like real names or places (like your location) private so you feel safe sharing and aren't worried about anybody "finding" what you've written. Let us know and we can help you take care of changing it to something anonymous. You know, to keep the drama down.

And  *welcome*