BPDFamily.com

My kids are very young.  Daddy has every other weekend.  My older son is starting to say "I want Daddy" on occasion.  I wonder what one says in this case?  I wonder if he knows there's something wrong, or if he has adapted to daddy not being in the house like he used to be?  I have no idea how it's affecting him to not have both parents around.  I try to keep him busy and happy.

My kids, s11 and d10, seem ok on the outside. But I know they are hurting badly from what their mother did to them and their sister. Only seeing their mom for an hour in the last three months has been really hard on them. My daughter keeps her feelings bottled up. She has a hard tine even talking to her mom on the phone. A couple weeks ago I asked her to think about how what her mom has done has affected her so she can tell mom how she is feeling.  Last night I asked her if she had anything to say yet and she said no, that it hurts too much to think about. My son does better with talking about his feelings and now that you brought this up I think it us time I encourage him to tell his mom how he feels.

Im just thinking out loud here but is it a good idea to have the kids tell her how they feel? I know if it was a normally functioning adult then yes but in my case the kids can and do tell their mother but they are all getting to the point also where they dont because she will disregulate and rage instead of even hearing them.

All of my kids are starting to voice their feelings which I think is great and I do my best to listen and let them Know I understand. This took a while though, Its been almost two years since mommy started being gone and they are coming out of their shell. My youngest is 7

How old are yours?

I think that also makes a difference on how easily they will take it and or talk about it

Mine aren't really old enough for big conversations yet.  I guess older kids handle it differently at different ages.  All my kids know is that daddy doesn't live with us.  Only the older one may remember that he used to, and I imagine he wants to see him more. 

Plenty of kids have grown up fine with largely just one parent, but I still wish I knew what to say.

We're about 4 years post split.  Their mom left, I am raising S9 and D12.  Lately, D12 has been struggling with accepting boundaries and limits.  For instance, she was grouchy and disrespectful on Sunday morning about chores, responsiblties -- arguing about them, etc.  Eventually, I told her to go up to her room, no TV or electronics, I was going for a walk with my fiancee, and we would talk later.  She had a really hard time accepting that and felt abandoned when I went out for an hour.  When we talked later, we realized that taking time apart when upset is threatening to her, because it reminds her of everyone running away.  Her mother ran when upset, I would respond to drama when living with her mother by going away and closing the door, etc.  So, she has a hard time understanding the difference between waiting to have a conversation once everyone is calm and avoiding. 

This is your own guilt talking. 

When my kids were little, I validated these feelings. "I miss Daddy" or "I want Daddy" was met with "Buddy, I'm sure you miss him and he misses you too. Two more sleeps and you get to see him! Do you want to call him? Draw him a picture?"

They should never feel bad for missing the other parent... .because it's OK to miss the other parent, even when they are being perfectly taken care of. It's pretty normal for a kiddo to struggle a little bit in this.

It's also OK for us to feel for our little ones learning how to cope in two homes. This part is hard on the kids and they have their own grief process to work through.   

And they eventually do. I have 5 great kids in my life who are resilient little creatures who are very much loved by lots of people (moms, dads, stepmoms, stepdads).