BPDFamily.com

I keep hearing on these boards that the purpose to no contact and minimal contact is to detach/heal/become indifferent.

Some members are in NC for years. I would think that the detachment/healing/indifference would not take years to aquire.

Why so long? Does it become a different tool with years behind you?

I have also wondered why it takes so long. I would suggest it depends on the amount of damage done, your level of enmeshment and co-dependency in the relationship. Add to that the isolation, the injustices, the lack of respect, the smear campaigns, the cheating, the rages, the violence and the overall bad behavior that you have endured, how you have suffered in silence and you have a ton of issues to deal with.

One benefit for me in reading these forums is that while I had a thought today that could have infuriated me, I reminded myself that she has a mental illness and blaming her was futile. I got over it in a split second. If I can maintain that line of thinking I might heal quicker but there are a lot of things that will come to mind so the question is when will it end? The answer: when we have fully understood BPD, when our reason for being in such a relationship has been fully understood, when we recognize we won't be doing do that again. That might be like asking, "how long is a piece of string?"

Mutt,

Why so long?

The devaluation phase... . Hell on earth.

Especially if you have experienced more then once.

Also... .

The very fact that you end up encountering that other side of your SO.

I don't ever want to interact with that side again.

Awful beyond words.

Hi Mutt,

I think that some people just don't initiate contact after a certain amount of time, because they've detached and moved on in their lives, and assume that their pwBPD has, too.  Also, in my case, I don't believe that pwBPD and I can have a friendship/casual relationship (already tried several times), so we don't really have many options.

A relationship/breakup with someone with BPD can touch core wounds that really take some time and help to work through.  It can literally feel like an addiction, so for some it's just better to go cold turkey for awhile, to get some balance back in the body and mind.  If you're all strung out, it's hard to do the work of feeling and healing.  

NC is the most useful thing you can implement into your life until you can figure how to get yourself to the moon!

It really is a simple as that.

I'm assuming that people here move on unto other relationships. I don't plan on dating until after a year we've been separated. My mind isn't even there yet for searching. I've had break-ups before but this is my first marriage and it's something else. The most pain I have ever felt. I can't see being in another relationship and being NC for detachment/healing. I can see it more as protection agaist getting sucked back into their lives for soothing. I don't even know what I would say about my ex to an SO. I'm in NC for such and such a reason, like she's really bad news?

Yeah, NC is great. I am around seven weeks mutual NC with my uBPDex bf. It's less hard each day. I find that when things are going well in my life in other areas -- making new friends, had a good day at work -- the NC pain is not bad. When I'm stressed, NC is excruciating. But I like that I can be proud of holding to NC. It's a challenge I have set up for myself since the breakup. It's like a game I have to win. Also, my ex and I ended badly, to the tune of where he wants nothing to do with me; full rejection. So he wouldn't want to hear from me anyway.

I did NC after a bad breakup from a prior r/s (a non-BPD guy). I arbitrarily chose a one-year NC rule. I cut out  people associated with him and went NC with them too. For some reason I just thought: do this for a year and see where you are.

I have to say, it was an excellent decision. In that year I worked out a lot of anger and sadness about the breakup and I truly let go of the guy. I'm hoping to do the same with the recent BPD b/u.

I don't know about you, but me leaving her was a huge relief; the abuse and the disrespect stopped.  And then of course my heart protested for a long time, since I was very much in love with my fantasy of her, a version of her that showed up during the idealization phase, a fiction it turns out, but one I was emotionally addicted to, and that had kept me sticking around and tolerating all the abuse.

But removed from the insanity, the focus has shifted from her to me, and I've learned a lot about myself as I've healed, it's been a year, and looking back now, not only do I not miss her, I don't like who she really is at all.  The point being more will be revealed and you perception of things will change as you get back on your feet.

It's said it takes 50% as long as the relationship lasted to fully grieve it and move on, nothing magic about the number, but many folks concur, so it's something to think about.  Power to you!

I remember right up until the end wishing that she would go back to how she was before I had noticed there was a change a few months into our relationship. I remember the exact situation where she became slightly different, and it still sticks to me until this day.

I'm speaking from a perspective of someone that was oblivious to the possibility that I was dealing with someone with a mental illness. It was one factor for hanging on. Where did this down to earth, loving, caring and compassionate person go? Is she going to come back?

I'm only day three of minimal contact. Can't go full NC due to kids. I made it clear to her to not e-mail me unless it's about kids. I opened an e-mail address just for communicating about kids. No texts and only call if there is an emergency for the kids. I told her to send the kids out for pick-ups. Any parent teacher interviews and school functions are to be done seperately. It's tough, but there's more of an upside I think. I feel less panicky and tension. I feel calmer, clearer and more hopeful. I understand it takes time and from other peoples inputs that it's easier with more time in. I've promised myself 6 months of minimal contact. There is no reason to interact with her other than the kids. It gives me a much needed break from the nonsense to reflect on myself and what I contributed in the r/s, childhood issues that are roadblocks to a healhty r/s and why I put up with some much abuse from another human being.

That.

I was present the day my exUBPDgf changed in round 2 of relationship... .

Whatever she was up until that point... .

Vacated.

That was when the morph began.

That was when her missiles started to be launched at me.

I was present for the full on transformation.

I never want to see that again.

|iiii

Sounds like you are making a good effort for yourself and for your children, Mutt. 

As to your original question about "how long", it probably takes however long it needs to take? I'm guessing each of us will know once we reach a certain point in our journey of healing.