BPDFamily.com

My daughter lives with her S9 and his dad.  She had a rough childhood with both her dad and stepdad having mental problems.  There are also serious mental disorders on my side of the family (my mom, sister, 2 cousins, grandfather, and more).  She was a moderate drug user in her teens and twenties and had some bad relationships.

She has been in and out of counseling since she was 13 and has been through a series of testing.  The only conclusions from the testing is that her IQ is quite low and that she suffers from chronic anxiety.  She has tried and stopped taking dozens and dozens of different meds.  She is on a low dose of Seroquel and Effexor.  She tried CBT for a short while but was unable to stick with it.  It was too complicated for her to follow and she became uncomfortable going. 

  She does not get along with people, believes that she is right and everyone else is the problem.  She has had 50 plus jobs in 25 years.  She always starts out enthusiastically (which I give her credit for) but after about two weeks things start to break down quickly.  She can't keep up the facade and slips back into her true self. Then she is devestated.  She has no friends to spend time with.  Her moods can change several times within a day.  She is very needy, gets nasty and rages, blames others for her problems ( she says she doesn't understand why other people don't see things the way she sees them), can't take any criticism as she takes everything personally.  She either refuses or just doesn't get it when it comes to finances, she has filed for bankruptcy twice.  She feels she is entitled to drive a nice car, is obssessed with her hair and appearance.  She is also a hypochondriac in the worst way.  There isn't a day that she isn't sick with something or another, calls a doctor or pharmacist almost daily. Now she is convinced that there is something wrong with her son.  She is either talking about her ailments or looking them up on the internet.   

She calls me every day, more than once, just to get things off her chest.  She has no interest in what others are doing or feeling, just about herself.  Why do I still listen?  At this point, if it wasn't for my grandson I would  let go the rope.  I fear for his emotional well being (I do have hime overnight at least once a week).  None of the meds or cousnseling has been of any help, this just goes on and on.

She sounds like our son 26. He is divorced and his ex is trying to have his parental rights terminated. We live 2000 miles away. After visiting with him I am wondering if it is probably best for the child . We are trying to get grandparents visitation. I totally understand where you are coming from. How does her husbnd deal with it?

Hi Rosie   I am glad to see you on the boards here.

Behind the words in your story is so much pain and hurt for you dd (dear daughter). It is so sad to feel we have to let go of our children. My dd is 32, and her situation is different in that there is no relationship (that I now of), no grandchildren, no jobs even for a short time - well not since she had her last big melt down. But it is the same in that we both realise that we cannot fix the problem.

Rosie, have you explored the concept of validation yet? While we cannot fix the problem, we can work on developing a better relationship with our children. That's when we use the skills that are so helpful for this (validation and boundaries setting). There are powerful concepts behind these skills and they are not as simple to practice as they seem to be... .at least that's my experience.

There is a wealth of resources and experience here on the boards, and we can talk your head off about anything to do with BPD I reckon 

Do you have any questions at all?

Cheers,

Vivek    

Hi Vivek :  For the most part there is no animosity between my daughter and me.  As I mentioned she calls daily, honestly, sometimes five or six times a day.  She needs to vent her anxieties and her anger.  Mostly these days I listen (validate) and occasionally give her suggestions trying to ease her negative feelings.  If I question or criticize she becomes angry and will hang up on me.  She is not shy about her worries over herself or her son and will talk to anyone who will listen.  It's a one way street with her and sometimes I get so angry and so exhausted.  I have always worried that if I wasn't there to provide this release for her that something terrible would happen.  Do I understand her, no, but I do know she is sick.  No one else can deal with her consistently, even some of her doctors have told her they won't see her anymore.

She is not married to the father of their son but they do live together (10 years now).  Occasionally he calls me when he has reached the point where he can no longer bear it.  We talk about her eratic behaviour as well as concerns about my grandson.  My daughter does not know he calls me.  She has made it clear that she does not want us to talk to each other.  She would consider me disloyal to her and would become furious. 

Walking on eggshells - you bet.  She obssesses about the appearance of her hair and of her health.  To say she is a hypochondriac is an understatemnt. 

Hi rosie,

I expect whenever you question her or criticise she hears 'mom being judgemental' when all she wants is for you to accept her (well really she might even say that's all she wants, but it's more than that isn't it?) ... .

Thing is, I believe that unless the person is actively involved in trying to get treatment, there is nothing we can do except validate, stick to our boundaries and work on changing ourselves. With adult children it seems to me, there is no chance for us to do anything else. We cannot help them, we cannot fix the problem, we cannot change anything (except ourselves) - all we can do is support them and be careful not to enable them.

Rosie, you mention that you sometimes get so angry and exhausted. This is not good for you. Perhaps you would benefit from revisiting boundary setting. I understand that you worry for her if she doesn't have you to ring, but perhaps you need to find a way to limit the personal cost to you of those calls. Have a look at this link and see if anything here is helpful, ok?

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries)


Vivek