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Right now it is irrelevant if she tries to return or not - I am not going back into this madness with her.  I tried EVERYTHING to have peace with her - even telling her once that we were on the same side... .and I could tell by body language she didn't believe it. 

I've been in an affair with this woman... .telling myself over and over her behavior was from confusion on her end being in love with a woman - a first for her.  She made me believe at one point she wanted a life with me - about destroyed my own marriage preparing for it... .Absolutely stupid on my part.

I am hurt beyond hurt that I trusted a 3rd party to involve themselves with us... .someone who has helped many other couples learn to look within themselves to fix what is broken.  She convinced me that if my ex and I were to start over I had to tell her I was with other women during splits we had - and I knew... .I KNEW in my gut this was not wise advice ... .but I trusted her to know where my ex was at.  She knew it was coming and confronted me and demanded the truth.  She talked with me for 4 hours and was understanding and forgiving.  She was so happy we were starting over and having a better future. But when the hurt of what I did hit - she left me 2 days later.  Told me to never contact her again.

I have wanted to discuss this with the mentor - who has been unavailable since this fell apart.  She seems to not care that I was so hurt that I didn't get out of bed for two days.  I start therapy Tuesday - I feel like everything I knew was taken away and even wondered if I was a bad person and was just getting my karma... .I have replayed this entire relationship over and over.  The pattern of love, disengagemet, conflict ... .separation and then renewal - over and over and over again.  Sometimes N/C was me - sometimes it was her.  I want to yell, scream and tell her she about ruined me... .but I know that is futile and she doesn't care.

Worse yet - I don't understand my mentor's silence... .I feel played and set up.  Then again - even if she had not pushed me to tell the ex - we probably would have just kept recycling - so maybe she did me a favor.

I need to put my family back together.  I need my husband to see me whole again - and to give him all the love that was once just for him.  I carry a lot of guilt here and realize what truly matters.  Every other relationship in my life is healthy, whole and normal - free of drama... .so I seriously don't think its me. 

Is it?

Bauers220

Wow, there is a lot going on right now in your life. 

Its very hard facing that we believed someone who is not able to follow his own words - for what reasons ever! I can so relate with it.

You are calling it stupid. Its also human, sometime we *try and error" - do you think you can forgive yourself?

Good you decided to start working with a T! Perhaps this may help you to understand the bigger picture.

About the mentors silence: Perhaps you can have a talk some day with her about it?

We are here for you!