BPDFamily.com

Hi All

I just wondered if anyone has practised the SET communication laid out in the 'i hate you don't leave me' book?

Support, empathy & truth.

Has anyone seen a marked improvement in communcation after using this method?

Thanks

Tx

 *welcome* it's great to have you here, and asking about SET!  Many of us here are interested in learning new ways to communicate with our loved ones who have BPD, you'll fit right in too.  And yes!  SET is a highly recommended techinque on our site.  We use it and discuss it all the time.  Here's our workshop on SET (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict). 

Oh yes! Much improvement. Feel free to practice on us, or write out your SET here for a particular issue and we can give you some feedback.

Love Blazing Star

It would really help me to get your opinions on a letter I am writing to my uBPD ex. We bumped into each other on Friday night after a year of not speaking. We spoke for 2 hours and he opened up to me about how he was feeling. He was clearly in a very bad way. However, I think he finds contact with me hard, because he thinks I will be shocked by ‘who he is now’ and on some level I think he wants to protect me from this. The conversation in the main was calm (I tried to remember everything I had learnt about BPD) but of course I made a few slip ups which caused him to be agitated. He expressed a want to be friends and see me more – but later in  the conversation he said I should just forget about him. It was clear to see he is a great deal of pain.

I am aware of the risks regarding reconnecting, however, I would like to try and at least help him. I am a lot stronger now and I know I can deal with it. He doesn’t have anyone else who will care to notice or help him. However, the big issue is that he needs to feel comfortable in contacting me. It is his Birthday next week, I would like to send him a card with this note inside. Please could you let me know if this is the correct use of SET and if you feel it might help?... .

"It was good to see you the other night. I care about you very much. So I enjoyed catching up and listening to the things you said. It sounds like you have had a lot going on this year, like your surfing competition, which is really great, i would love to hear more about that one day. It is a great achievement and I am very proud of you.

You mentioned that you feel empty, like everyone hates you and you want to leave Cheltenham. this must be very frustrating and hard you. I'm sorry you feel that way, i cannot imagine what it must be like. But I care about how this must be for you.

If you carry on feeling this way it could get harder to achieve the things you want, like moving away and having a career in watersports. If you like, I can listen and maybe give some suggestions and ideas.

If you would like to be in contact my number is XXXXXXXXXXXX. But that is of course your decision.

Either way, I will always be there for you."

Tx

Hi T,

I like your SET. I am not sure about the last bit though, to me it sounds a little preachy/I know better than you. I would just leave this out, a simple 'I am here if you need me' and your number is enough I feel.

An awesome book to read is "I don't have to make everything all better" which has really helped me with validating and using tools like SET.

Love Blazing Star